pyr·rhic

 [prk]

adjective

a victory or goal achieved at too great a cost.

I don’t want to talk.

Leave me alone.

Breathing was not an option anymore. Everything hurt. Every single vessel inside my body. Fear tore me apart. I couldn’t stand this, this feeling of complete uselessly. I was all alone in a dark room. My hands were tied, tied to…

I tried to speak, but my mouth was taped. I tried just moving my lips, but nothing worked. It was hard keeping everything apart. It was way too dark to even notice whether my eyes were either open or closed.

All I could think about was The Gasmask.

All I could think about was Tao.

All I could think about was…

Yesterday.

It was the moment I realized Tao wasn’t inside the room. The moment I lost myself and knew that the doctor was right. I started laughing and felt my body do the same thing all over again. Over and over. I fell on my knees and leaned to the right, tumbling over, my forehead glued against the carpet.

“W…W…W-w…” sweat started dripping, tears started rolling. I was having an attack again. This had happened so many times to me, but seriously, now wasn’t the right time.  “Wu…”

“So…r…” my head was splitting open. Or that’s what it was like. It was cleaving open and somehow I was able to crawl towards the bed, grabbing for the thick blanket, my own lifeline. It was the only connection I had with the real world. The world I needed to live in, even though it was hard and I didn’t really want to.

I grabbed for my scar, started shrieking and trembled all over. Everything was red. All I could see was blood staining my hands and I needed to get rid of it all. I kept crawling, letting go of the bed and spotted the bathroom door.

The anxiety evolved into hyperventilation, but I couldn’t care less. I was bleeding! My scar had been torn open and I was going to die here. I didn’t want to die like this. I was the only thing left of us. I couldn’t die.

The carpet was stained with the scarlet fluid. I was draining and by the time my hand touched the door, I pushed it open and crawled towards the shower, trying to get rid of my suit. I the tap and let the water flow, finding my way into the tub, still barely breathing.

The water was cold when it touched my skin. I grabbed for my scar and inhaled deeply. I needed to keep this body alive. It was the only thing that made me able to atone for the gruesome sin I had committed.

As always I fell asleep, the tiring anxiety had worn me out. I was nothing anymore. I couldn’t go on like this forever. The source of my energy was finite.

I was finite.

“Kris?”

“Kris?”

“My god! Kris!”

“Please!”

“Wake up!”

“Kris…”

“Yifan…is that you?” my own voice sounded strange, a bit out of this world.

“What? Kris?! Open your eyes!” the voice was young, full of life. I didn’t know him like that. Strange.

“Don’t you worry, love.” I whispered and saw nothing but darkness. “Don’t worry anymore…”

“Kris…”

“It’s just the end o