Youngjae smoothly slid in the van, his vision still hazed and blood still streaming out from his sullen lips. He clasped the badge tightly on his bare hands, ignoring the fact that they were shaking.

From guilt and remorse. 

"Officer Youngjae, you did well."

"Thank you," Youngjae silently said, voice rasped, ignoring the flinch he once again let out when his fellow agent touched his shoulder in respect. His breath hitched when they all fit on the van, revealing his inner claustrophobia. He felt too tight, too breathless- too exposed. It's very uncommon for him for the past months to be in a small space with so many people. Yongguk would never-

A sharp pain stabbed on his heart, the realization that- that he- betrayed them. Youngjae betrayed them- his own brothers- he broke his own promise to them, for them to be together, forever- they provided him with care, with friendship, with the bond he never once experienced before, and yet, he's here, safe and sound, while they're going to jail-

While he was going to be awarded for a 'good job'.

He clenched his fist tightly, the sharp contours of the badge digging on his own flesh- he was sure blood will silently creep out from his palms, and yet, he didn't stop it from happening. His fellow agents were laughing and chatting at a once again successful mission- and he's there, mind buzzing with confusion- why?

He should've just shoot himself down in the scene, he should have been killed by them- but he's alive, very much breathing, and safe.

But I don't deserve to be safe.

I don't deserve to be alive.

I don't even deserve to be breathing anymore.