Dear Diary,

Let me introduce myself.  I am Sandara Park of 2ne1, singer, endorser and a N.B.S.B.

(No Boyfriend Since Birth)

I guess you'll be my confidant from now on. Better learn to keep my secrets okay?

Dear Diary,

This may sound weird but could a normal person actually enjoy being alone? Because if it were the case, then I am probably not normal. And if I weren't normal, I don't really mind. Normalcy and mediocrity does not suit me. I prefer to be different, unique, but not in a freaky way.

Being alone for me does not mean lonely. I've been lonely before despite the crowd of people. Although when I am alone, loneliness would sometimes find a way to creep in.

When I am alone, I find more freedom to think, to ponder, to dream. My thoughts are clear to me. I hear myself better sans the noise. And sometimes I think I could hear my heart, it's hope and wishes, it's longing and fears. I would also feel more connected somehow, to my surrounding. I'd feel the warmth of the sun, the cool wind; hear the rustling of leaves, the drops of rain, the hubbub of nature.

Despite my being comfortable with being alone, I am not adverse to friendships and other relations. I am not a hermit. I treasure my family more in the world and I am very loyal to my friends. It's just that they could be so annoyingly noisy and nosy that I wouldn't mind some alone time. And my life could get so busy and hectic most of the time that I would want to escape.

The part of being alone that would have to be when everyone is paired up with someone except you. It's like Noah's ark except you get left behind in the flood.

I guess I just feel envious of others because they already found their counterpoint in life, while I am still waiting, not knowing love. But other than that I think I’m just fine with being alone. I mean I'd rather be alone not knowing love than having known love and losing it. That would be the kind of alone I am most afraid of, the kind that could put a hole in my heart, cause me unbearable pain, and possibly kill me with grief.

Maybe I'm just a scaredy cat, choosing to be alone and ignorant of love. I fool myself thinking that this is better. I live with false bravery, enduring, enjoying being alone.

But until I am ready to put my heart on the line, I would never know sweet sorrow nor perfect happiness. Never know love. Never know my counterpoint in life. Never ride that stupid ark. Still stranded in the flood, alone.

Dear Diary,

Why do I feel lonely in a crowd?

Even when I try to keep myself busy something seems to be missing.

A part of my heart feels restless, anxious to find something (love?)

or someone (is it you?)

Is it love?

Would love complete the emptiness? And if I am incomplete, do I really need to be whole? Can’t I live my life wandering incomplete?

In the first place, why was there emptiness?

Has the emptiness always been there unnoticed in my heart? Will I feel it only at a particular time? (like now?) or is it because I compare myself to others? (thinking they have the best in life) Or are they also like me? Confused but hoping just the same.

Is it you?

How would I know if he’s the one? Would God give a sign? And if He did, will I see it? Or let him pass while I’m looking somewhere else, too blind to see what’s right in front of me.

Is there really the one? The one who’s meant for you?

The one who’s heart beats only for you.

The one who’s quest in life is to find you too.

The one who’ll grow old with you.

Your soulmate, is there?

And if he is the one, and there is a sign, How sure am I that I’m the one for him? And how sure is he that I’m the one for him?

Did I also have the sign? Did he pray for me? Has his heart also been restless and anxious to find me?

Did he also wander around incomplete? Waiting and hoping for that day that we will be whole?

.

Will I find him? Will he find me first? Will we ever find each other? When? Where? How?

Will fate provide the answer?

No matter the answer, I will not worry.

As long as it’s him, (the one), the time, place and manner in which we meet will always be right.

And if it is really him, I know that he will agree.

Dear Diary,

What is love?

I find myself contemplating the same question many poets and writers have asked themselves.

Scientists have discovered the laws and equations that govern the natural world. Philosophers have stated their ideas about life and humanity. Psychologists have dwelled on the subconscious. But there are no experts in love, is there?

There are many stories, movies and songs about love. And a day has been set each year to celebrate it, Valentine’s Day.

However, thinking that love has been made commercial worries me.

Nowadays, good romance seems to be hard to find. People’s attitude has become focused on hurrying up and getting it quick. Whatever happened to courtship?

I’m not that old-fashioned but I love the idea of being well-thought of and respected that a guy would wait for me. A girl should know her self-worth and never surrender to empty sweet words.

So what is love?

It’s having strong feelings of affection for someone; staying with them through their ups and downs; knowing them fully for who they are, taking the bad along with the good; allowing them to become a better person but acknowledging their weakness and faults.

It’s coming home after being away and lost for a long time.

It’s smiling when you think of that person and feeling contentment when you watch them sleep.

It’s the butterflies on your stomach and the frantic beating of your heart you get when you’re with them.

It’s the pang of missing them when they’re away and the sudden void that’s left.

It’s staring at each other’s eyes and seeing your reflection knowing that he could see his on yours.

It’s seeing the world for the first time through somebody else’s eyes; realizing you have never appreciated how beautiful the world was until that person came along.

It’s thinking for two, instead of yourself.

I am still lost what love is. Until I could learn for myself, I’ll keep on waiting for that day.

Dear Diary,

I have never been in love. I turned 26 today and as I look back at my life I find myself wondering whether I missed out. I know it would seem weird getting this old without even having been in love. It would also sound pathetic, but in the end I’ve decided that I don't regret the decisions I've made.

You see, as early as elementary school, I’ve already been ambitious. I have decided for myself that I wanted to be famous. And every step I've taken in my life was to work for that goal, including concentrating on my training and avoiding all distractions.

It's not as if I avoided men on purpose. In fact, I have liked 3 guys in my life but it was never meant to be. I’ve always been the friend-type not the girlfriend. I am the one you'll go to when you need someone for help, someone to talk to or someone to hang out with. I am pretty fun and interesting in all aspects but maybe it wasn't enough.

I also remind myself to pull back from liking a guy too much. I've always been afraid of commitments not because I'm unfaithful but because I know how big a deal it is. I don't want to be unfair to the guy because I can't give him my time.

I know this would make me sound clinical, but I use my head more than my heart. And I don't dwell much on heartaches, I’m not the type to wallow in pain. But I do write to remember what I felt.

Don't get me wrong, I am still a romantic at heart. I cry when I read a book or watch a movie. I still dream of a perfect love. I wish for him on a shooting star. But nonetheless, I am content with what I have now. I am an idol to many fans. I have my family. I have friends. I feel really blessed. I am 26. I've never been in love but I'm happy.

Dear Diary,
 

I take back everything I’ve said. I am in love.

How did I fall in love? I don’t know myself. One day we were friends, and then suddenly we’re not.

Could the precise moment love is realized be pinpointed? Or is it a lot of moments that eventually lead to love?

Is it the way he says my name that sends flutters to my heart or the way he showers me with his attention as if I’m fragile?

Is it the nightly calls he would make before I go to sleep or the bright messages I get in the morning when I wake up?

 Is it the songs he would write as if they were about me or the way he would hug me like he would never want to let go?

Is it his soulful stare making me see through him and him through me or the way the spaces between his fingers fit perfectly with mine?

Maybe it was his smile that stole my heart or the time he told me loved me and gave me his heart.

Whichever moment it was, it has led me to be in a happier place. I still like being alone sometimes but I no longer feel lonely. I already found my counterpoint in life. Maybe it’s true what they say, two is better than one.

When the world floods over and people get asked to be paired up, I already have someone to be with and I could finally board that stupid ark.

Who is he? His name is Kwon Jiyong.