Retrospective

Definition         Adjective 1 looking back on, contemplating, or directed to the past;

                                            2 based on a memory

They say that knowledge in retrospect is a poor form of knowledge but still better than none at all.

If that were true, I don’t know how it is better for me learning this lesson.

My name is Kwon Jiyong. This is the story of how I fell in love with a girl.

We called her Stargazer just like the flowers she loves. Her real name was SandaraPark.

She got that name since her head is always lost in the stars. It all started when we had our camping trip in middle school and the class was able to see a meteor shower. After that she involved herself in watching the heavens, for what I don’t know.

Our class, me included, behind her back for her obsession with the stars. She even had her own club with her fellow stargazers.

I have known her probably since kindergarten since we always had the same classes. She hasn’t changed much, with her hair always in an apple hairstyle. She could’ve been as pretty as the other girls, only she doesn’t bother fixing herself and only if she doesn’t have that weird hobby.

I was a popular student being one of the jocks in school. I have girls falling for me left and right. But academics were my waterloo. My grades needed some boosting up especially in Physics otherwise I would not be able to graduate.

The guidance counsellor advised me to take tutorial lessons. “Sure it would be easy” I thought to myself, knowing many girls would volunteer.

Unfortunately, pretty girls in our school don’t happen to be smart.

“Aisht! How unlucky could I get? I have to find one of the geeky girls to tutor me.” dreading the idea.

Suddenly as if the heavens heard my dilemma, I saw Stargazer pass by.

“She hangs out with the other geeky kids and is in good terms with Mr Choi of Physics since he is their club adviser” I can hear the cogs in my brain working and finding the idea plausible. 

We don’t talk much but I borrow notes from her all the time and she doesn’t seem to mind.

I immediately ran after her. “Sandara! Wait!” I called after her.

She turned around, her hair flipping behind her. “What?” she said.

I was tongue-tied, ill-prepared with her hair flipping. For the first time, I saw her in a different light. Like a switch was lit somewhere and suddenly I see someone beautiful in front of me.

“What now?” she repeated breaking my trance.

“I’d like to ask a favour” I said “Could you tutor me?”

Her eyebrows raised in question. “Are you sure you’re asking the right person?” she said. “This is the first time, you actually asked me anything aside from my notes” she said.

“You see, I’m really deep into failing. I would not bother you if I have any other choice.” I said. Did that come out right?

“Ah, so you only came to me because you have no other choice?” she said with her eyes turning to slits. “But what about my choice? What if I don’t want to?” she said.

“Please, please reconsider. My future is at stake here and I don’t want to disappoint my parents” I said.

Her expression softened. “Consider me doing this favour for them, ok?” she said. “I just have one condition”

“Sure name it.” I was relieved by her answer. Anything she asks me would be easy right?

“Don’t fall in love with me” she said, her eyes looking deep into mine.

If only I didn’t know her I would’ve thought she was kidding. A minute must have elapsed and still I was speechless.

“Gotcha!” she said and smiled.

“Ah! You almost had me fooled.” I said. 

That was how she came to be my tutor. I didn’t realize it before but I know now, she already gave me a warning.

Sandara tutored me after classes every Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and for the whole day on Saturdays. Tuesday was for my Basketball practice while on Fridays, she and the other stargazers would meet.

I have memorized our routine now. On Mondays, we meet at the library, Wednesdays, we’d be at my house and on Thursdays and Saturdays, we’d study in her house.

I have never really bothered to get to know her before but I realized she’s really nice and innocent, much sweeter than the other girls in school who are always acting cute and bubbly but were actually plastic airheads.

When we are in each other’s homes, we usually stay ‘til dinner. My parents like her a lot. Saying she was a good influence on me. And when I eat at their house, her parents seemed to be fine with me always being there.

When we are together I always end up talking about myself to cover for the silent gaps. I have already told her everything about me from my childhood to some of my secrets I only share with my guy friends. I don’t know why but it seems easy for me to pour out my thoughts to her. She would smile or laugh at my stories but she never volunteered anything about herself.

One Saturday afternoon we were studying, I got bored because I have already mastered the equations. I wanted to chat with Sandara and ask her some questions since she have yet to share her side with me.

“Sandara, I’m bored.” I said. “Could we do something else today?”

“Like what?” she asked.

“You could tell me something about yourself” I said hopefully.

“Hmm…” she was pondering over this. “I think it’s better if I show you”

We ended up in their backyard where she invited me to her treehouse. It was a cute little hideout. She had planted stargazers, her favourite flowers, on a pot outside her window. I was more amazed with what I saw inside.  She had turned it into a tiny gallery. Turns out she always looked at the heavens to take photographs of the celestial bodies. They all looked beautiful. I was amazed to see this side of her.

She invited me to try stargazing with her. That night we got lucky, the heavens sent us a shower of stars.

I don’t know how it happened or when it happened. I must have been feeling it for some time now. I looked at Sandara with her eyes shining like the stars and realized I have fallen for her.

“Sandara…I love you”

“Jiyong…I---

She did not finish what she wanted to say. I pulled her close to me and pressed my lips on hers. It was sheer rapture for me like her lips were made for me. I pulled from the kiss feeling breathless.

I looked at her with hopeful eyes hoping she feels the same.

“I’m sorry. I can’t” she said looking pained and ran away from me.

Sandara did not come to school after that. She has earned enough credits that the school let her graduate early. And her family went abroad according to her neighbors.

Thanks to her tutoring I managed to get by and scraped enough grades to pass and graduate.

I was surprised when a package in the mail was sent to me. I opened it up and found the pictures Sandara have taken, with it was a letter.

Dear Jiyong,

I am sorry for being a coward. I could not face you in person and tell you myself. I am gone by the time you receive this letter. You said you liked the pictures I took so I’m leaving them with you to remember me by.

Do you remember the time I told you not to fall in love with me? It was not without reason. I’ve been having heart problems so I have to go away and have my heart fixed. I don’t want to be unfair to you not knowing if we have a future together.

I love you too but I can’t

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Sandara

They say that knowledge in retrospect is a poor form of knowledge but still better than none at all.

If that were true, I don’t know how it is better for me learning this lesson.

I wanted to say that I have learned to believe a girl when she tells you not to fall for her, but I can’t. I have no regrets.

I only know one thing and that is to love only her.

My name is Kwon Jiyong. This was the story of how I fell in love with a girl then lost her.