Slowly, but steadily, two months passed by. Each day stretched on forever. Each following day felt longer than the last. Each hour, each minute, each second, seemed to be packed with event after event after event. Whether it be visiting the park on sunny afternoons, bathing in that still present field of flowers that surrounded the now repaired subway entrance, or simply walking through the city without any single goal in mind, I never sat still for long.

I was always moving. I was always doing things. I didn’t have much time to think about the passing of time. Each day I would fall asleep with an entirely new photo album of memories only to wake up the next day and make an entire book of new ones.

Incredible.

It was incredible to say the least.

My title was of the domineering kind. Even I can’t deny – and I never would – the amount of pressure I feel simply by having it. Luhan had warned me of this, they all did. The Guardians told me not to be let down if my title was too much for my fellow Exotians to overlook. They told me that all it would take was time. That soon, my intentions would supersede my title. And, I knew they were right. I wasn’t looking to rush things.

And yet, after a mere two months, what I had wanted happened. Because I wanted it enough, it happened. Because it seemed I underestimated them, the Exotians. It was an underestimation that I regretted ever having. It was an underestimation that left me so proud I couldn’t help but see the cup as half-full.

Because it was as though everyone knew me and no one knew me at the same time. I would walk down the street with Lay and Chen. I would go to the park with Xiumin and Tao. I would visit the subway flowerbed with Baekhyun and Kris. And, even though they were still wearing those ceremonial robes each and every time, even though my face had been broadcasted so much to the point where being recognized was inevitable, I didn’t feel different.

Every time we would go out, we would be greeted with a casual bow and a smile that we would return with fervor. As though every child to every grandparent were acquaintances of mine. As though we all knew each other to the point where formalities weren’t needed, I didn’t feel like the Seeress of Exo.

I felt like an Exotian. Simply one of millions. And, it felt good. It felt good to, despite all the changes that were occurring in my life, despite the short span of time that’s passed, still be an Exotian. To still be considered as one of them, just like I had wanted to be all along. To see the smiles on each and every Guardian’s face for two entire months. To see them shine so brightly despite being cloaked in black. To see the Exotians smile back at them. At me.

Incredible.

It was incredible.

My chest swells from all of the warmth that pours down on me from the unblocked sun above, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much no matter how numb my facial muscles become, my legs feel like Jell-O as I fail to contain my anxious excitement each and every morning I wake up.

And before I knew it, each slow, wonderful day piled up.

And before I knew it, two months had passed, just like that.

Incredible.

The word doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.

Slowly, but steadily, the balloon was close to bursting.

Too close.

Rude awakenings are something I’ve gotten used to. They’ve occurred so often to the point where they’ve become a staple. I’ve had each Guardian at my door at least once every morning – though the one who knocks on the bedroom door is usually, so usual I could count on it, so usual I would bet on it, the time controlling Guardian, Tao. And yet, I’ve reached a point in which I can no longer classify them as “rude.” I’ve reached a point in which I can’t help but spring up in attention as soon as that light tap raps against my door.

But, today, this particular sunny morning, I wasn’t “rudely” awakened.

Today, I woke up on my own.

I woke up with a start, my face lifting from the pillows I had previously been buried into. My hair was a disheveled mess in front of my face. My eyes were foggy with their own dew. My limbs felt like there were stuck in viscous honey. My curled toes failed to unfurl, unclench, even when I sat back on my heels. My heart was beating so hard, so fast, I could only hear that thump, thump, thump ringing in my ears.

I hadn’t woken up like that in a long time. So suddenly, as though something had jolted me awake. In such a position, as though I was previously fighting with all my might to stay asleep despite the thing that woke me up scraping at, clawing through, and tugging at the hinges of the door to my subconscious. And for awhile, I just sat there.

I just sat there and watched.

I watched the blurry images flash by, so fast, as impossible to see, as a speeding bullet train. And it didn’t hit me right away. I didn’t understand what was happening, my tired mind simply a passenger to what I was experiencing. Only when that knock vibrated against my eardrums, background noise to everything I was hearing, to everything I was seeing, did I put two and two together.

I called in the person at my door quickly, urgently, and they answered the call just as quickly, just as urgently. I wasn’t surprised by who it was. I wasn’t surprised to find that newly dyed head of hair, those narrowed eyes hollowed by light black rings, staring back at me. Conflicted. Confused. Worried. His questions flew by, going through one ear and out the other. Not because I wasn’t listening. But, rather because I couldn’t comprehend them. Because I couldn’t grab onto them. Because it seemed as though he was speaking a language I didn’t know.

So, because I couldn’t grasp onto them, I grasped onto him. I let the fingers of my hand latch onto that space between his neck and his shoulder, the other clenching down so hard onto his hand my own skin began to burn. I was hurting him. I knew I was. But, I needed to touch him. I needed to grasp onto the images which so rudely awoke me before they were gone.

I’m sorry, Tao.

Please understand, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please understand, I didn’t want to hurt you. Please make me understand, because that look in your eyes puzzles me. That look in the eyes of the you who is staring at me in those images that keep flashing by. Conflicted. Confused. Worried. And, disappointed.

It stings, Tao.

Seeing you look at me like that, over and over again like a broken record, pulls at my heartstrings each and every time those images repeat themselves. Even if it’s the situation around you that bellows like thunder in the background, a storm occurring somewhere in the distance of the sunny, blue skies you stood under. Somewhere far away. Somewhere too far out of my reach to grasp onto. Even though I feel so far away, a thin, black veil separating us, coating my vision in gray, making me feel as though I’m a second person to it all. Even if that’s not how you’re looking at me now. Despite it all, I don’t like the whirlwind of feelings that’s swirling in your eyes.

I’m sorry, Tao.

I’m sorry for what I’ll do to you.

I’m sorry for what I did to you.

Pulling you close without your permission. Holding you in my arms as though you were smoke, a fleeting image that would disappear at any second. I felt like I would lose you. And I don’t want that. That’s the last thing I want so please, and thank you. Thank you for holding me back, even if I couldn’t hear the words you whispered beside my ear. Even if, in the future, those words would seem like they existed somewhere hundreds of miles away.

Thank you, Tao.

I had had another vision.

Tao was there, under a sunny sky, a storm occurring somewhere far away, my eyes coated in gray. Conflicted. Confused. Worried. And, disappointed. All of it reflected so vividly across those deep black irises.

I had had another vision.

And I didn’t understand it.

And I wouldn’t understand it.

Even when it came true.

Explaining how he felt now was difficult. In fact, words didn’t even seem to begin to explain it all. Yet, the closest he could get was fear. Fear over the way her voice called to him from inside of her room. Fear over the way her eyes seemed glazed over, hazed over with something only she could see, as she gripped onto him. Fear over how frail she felt. How easy to break with a single, sudden, unplanned touch.

She was fragile as she held onto him, her blunt nails digging into his skin, breaking through the tissue. Her other hand gripping onto his neck, causing a tremble to travel down his spine as her fingertips were cold to the touch. Chilling to the touch. As frozen as ice that could only hold so much weight. That could only last so long on a sunny day such as this one.

She was melting away, slipping right between his fingers. So, when she pulled him to her, when she forced his knees to bend, forced him to climb onto her bed with her and held him in her thin arms, he held her back.

Because he was scared.

Fearful.

Fearful of the same thing she was. Of the same, ambiguous, unknown thing she was.

He knew what was happening. Right at that very moment. It was something that had failed to occur for a long time now. It was something that would undoubtedly leave her looking the way she was, her touch feeling the way it was, for the rest of the day. She was having a vision. She was looking into the unpredictable future that ultimately never failed in the past to leave her in a state of disarray.

He could have said something. But, his teeth bit down on his tongue, stopping a single word from coming out. He could have asked her what it was that she saw. But, did he want to know? He could have told her it was going to be okay. But, he didn’t believe it was.

Maybe that’s what caused his canines to release his tongue from their hold. Maybe that’s what caused his next sentence to come flowing from his lips, unfiltered. Impossible to stop. And once more, the way he felt was unexplainable.

“Don’t leave me.”

Time.

Time seemed to pass so slowly as her fingers curled into the fabric of his clothing, her body relaxing. As her chest shuddered against his own, the after effects of whatever her vision had done to her waning away, stopping their assault on their sunny shores. On those white sanded beaches that seemed to disappear, to be washed away so effortlessly, with each passing second.

Time.

For some reason, he didn’t feel like he had any.

“Things are looking good.”

Kris’s words echoed through the black room, his white smile gleaming on his face. There was no immediate response from either of the two other people in the room with him. As a result, he ended up speaking again, his tone one of confusion.

“Are they not?”

Suho laughed, unable to hold back his amusement at a Kris who was seeking approval, “Of course they are.” He was on the receiving end of Kris’s elbow, the taller Guardian nudging Suho in jest.

Luhan nodded, in agreement with the two, “The Council has yet to repeal our proposal to return the governmental body that is the Seeress of Exo to it’s previous state, prior to the People’s Riot of 4814. Without a doubt, as wide-spread public opinion is at an all time high for both her highness and the Council’s allowance of her sphere of influence, there is not much they can do to us without harming their own standing. Exotians are unfazed by the reintroduction of the Seeress of Exo so it is only a matter of time before the Council’s Court accepts her current standing. But, more importantly, the Exotians are content with her highness’s position as the Seeress of Exo.”

“Exotians are content.” Suho concluded, his focus on Luhan’s words undeniable but the impact such a statement had on him made him less concerned with what came before it.

Kris shifted his hands into his pockets, his shoulders slouching as he spoke dreamily, as though his current reality was reflected in his next words and he couldn’t have been more content that it was, “You can’t beat contentment.”

“Should we do something special tomorrow?” Suho suddenly asked, his eyes lighting up despite the lack of light itself in the room. Kris shrugged noncommittally, though he appeared to be pondering the proposition as Suho continued, “It’s been almost four months now since her highness first step foot into our Hall. It’s not exactly been a year or even half a year yet but still, we should do something, shouldn’t we?”

Something. Anything. Suho, like Kai, like all of the Guardians, wanted to give back to her highness, his Seeress. She had done so much for them by simply being there. She had done so much for Exo planet and the Exotians who lived upon it by simply existing.

Her presence was enough for them.

And surely she would say the same regarding them. She would urge them not to celebrate something so small. But, it seemed then that she wasn’t seeing it. It seemed then that she was only seeing a part of what she had been doing. To Suho, to Kris, and to Luhan, the three who knew well of what occurred outside of the capital, outside of the city, what she was doing was worth celebrating every day she was alive.

The grass was green. The sun was shining. The sky was blue.

The color gray seemed nonexistent.

She had brought color back to Exo planet. Vivid hues springing up from the tip of the North pole to the peak of the South. The planet was rejoicing. The people were rejoicing. The Tree of Life had granted her approval in the most simple, most beautiful of forms.

This, all of this, deserved to be celebrated.

“Some would say celebrating so early would be jinxing ourselves.” Kris commented, his lips pursing forward.

Suho huffed, eyeing the taller Guardian with narrowed slits, “And what do you say?”

And a smile lit Kris’s face then, his jests coming to an end, “I say it sounds like a good idea.”

“Where is her highness now, Luhan?” Suho asked, taking steps closer to Luhan – who had remained quiet during their entire exchange – in order to see what he was seeing through the translucent orbs hanging midair in front of him. He didn’t say a single word regarding Suho’s idea; he found his own opinion to be so obvious it needn’t be stated at all. He merely answered the question posed to him.

“She went out with Sehun three hours ago.” Luhan peered over his shoulder at the ball of excitement that was Suho, “So, if you want to speak with D.O about preparing something special, I’d suggest you do so before she comes back.” 

“I’ll see you two at lunch.” Suho left the room quickly, not delaying to ask the question that Kris proceeded to. Not wanting to waste time, he hadn’t even heard the start of the conversation the two Guardians of the Moon had then. The rather short exchange that should have been questioned further even by those involved.

“She only left with Sehun?”

Luhan nodded, “Don’t worry. His protectiveness is on par with Tao’s when it comes to her safety.”

Kris shook his head, “I’m not worried. I know the kid won’t let a single fly land on even the tip of her finger much less let anything happen while they’re out. I’m just wondering exactly how much more that boy will stoically fawn over her after the day’s end.” He would have laughed then, he should have laughed then, as Luhan had. Yet, instead, he paused, biting down onto his lower lip as he remembered something. As he recalled another short conversation he had had with the very same person Luhan had just mentioned, “Tao had said he wanted to go with her today but, as we agreed upon last week, I sent him out to Sector E instead.” 

Tao was needed in Sector E. His responsibilities lied elsewhere. To Kris, it was as simple as that.

“He went with her yesterday.” Luhan supplied, even though he knew Kris already knew this piece of information. The Guardians were taking turns when it came to walking around the city with her highness during the day – nighttime being too dark, too dangerous, to venture out during with the Council’s reaction still unaccounted for and most notably, quite unpredictable. Rather, Luhan had said it to himself.

His words were for his own – then, careless – mind which pondered the reason Tao would want to accompany her once more; his own adoration of her aside.

“He was adamant about it, too.” Was all Kris left the pondering Luhan with as he exited the room, his deep voice only mumbling out the sentence. His voice only dancing around the invisible question.

The question the two should have been asking.

The question that due to simple reasoning and simple days, failed to come to either’s mind.

The question of, why?

Kai had found it.

Two months of searching. Of evading. Of guilt and trepidation in the face of being caught, and he found it. He found the small piece of laminated paper that now lay gingerly in his hand. It was a small piece of her past. It was a small peak into her past. And, if he presented it to her, she would tell him of the story that followed it, would she not?

He expected many things.

Everything would be delivered as neatly and efficiently onto him as he delivered it onto her. Everything would begin to make sense, even if started with just the little things. It would open a conversation that would last well into breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It would trigger another talk that left him feeling weightless and worriless. She would give him that smile that left him regretting that he couldn’t find it amongst the millions of faces above before now. To say his affection for her by now was large was an understatement.

He expected many things.

He expected his adoration, his intention, to be in the right place. Life was funny that way, he found. Life was unpredictable that way, he found. Life seemed to have a new curveball to throw his way, he found.

It all started with his wonder. It could have ended there. It could have ended with the disposal of that which he held in his hand as he knocked on her door that rainy morning. Her voice ushered him in, soft and timid. She was half-awake as he approached her, what he thought to be a precious memory in hand.

She mumbled his name and a greeting of “Good Morning,” rubbing her drooping eyes. A large yawn escaped her and he couldn’t help but laugh lightly at the sight. She had slept well. Or, rather, her body was instinctively preparing itself.

Because it knew. It knew what would happen next. It knew Kai was going to present the piece of paper like a trophy, like a great achievement that he could then attach as a new badge to his sash already filled with other like acknowledgements. “Surprise,” he had said. He explained himself only briefly, only vaguely saying he had found it in some old records in a dusty old room, leaving out how long it had taken him to find that one piece of paper for his own ego’s sake. How difficult it was to find it. How seemingly impossible it was to find it.

He treated it like everything and like nothing at all, that piece of paper.

That picture of a man and a woman, standing side by side, smiles on their faces.

A picture of his Seeress’s parents with a date etched in the back that placed it almost two years before she was born.

Surprise, he had said.

He was genuinely surprised with what happened next.

He expected many things and yet, everything he received was unexpected.

Everything he received left him feeling heavy.

Worried.

Guilty.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t say a single word about it then. Maybe because he was trying to deny the occurrence of that shift he watched occur over the span of mere seconds. Maybe because he didn’t want to admit his selfishness.

Maybe that’s why he became selfless from that point on.

That was the moment in which the contradicting duo was done away with for good.

And yet, that was the same moment in which Kai changed for the worst.

I should have been happy. I should have been ecstatic. I should have felt relieved. I should have been smiling up at Kai as though I knew how to do nothing else. I should have been many things. And yet, I wasn’t any of these things. Despite how I should have felt, how I really felt contrasted so much that the two laid upon different sides of the spectrum. Two parallel lines that would never touch. I couldn’t even begin to jump ship, to hop onto that other line.

Because right now, I felt sick.

I felt like throwing up. I could feel the bile itching at the back of my throat, burning my voice into oblivion, making me unable to say a single word. I could feel my head pounding against the walls of my skull, sending chills down my spine. I could feel the hairs at the back of my neck stand at attention, goose bumps running over my skin like cold rain, prickling at me to the point that each and every piece of my exposed skin screamed out in agony.

This was how I felt.

This was how I felt as I looked down at the photograph in my hands, a woman with brown locks and a soft smile staring back at me. A man with quaffed golden brown hair in a suit and tie with lively brown eyes grinning as he held onto the smaller woman.

These were my parents. The woman who died giving birth to me. The man who died during the People’s Riot for advocating that the Council should not impose themselves upon a Seeressless planet. These were my parents. My dad was tall, just like I imagined him to be. My mother looked kind, just like I wanted her to be. The image I created of them was seemingly real. These were my parents.

And yet, my stomach wretched, lurching upwards from my torso, pressing down against the tight, warm balloon in my chest. I found it hard to breath, to even attempt to open my lips to do so. To even inhale through my nose to do so. I was being suffocated. Drowned in the reality that I so easily held in between my fingers. Smothered by the reality that made me feel anything but happy.

Which didn’t make sense.

Reality didn’t make sense.

Reality made me want to run away. To run away from all of it. From all of that which didn’t make sense. From all of that which made me unhappy. But, where would I run to? Where could I go that that which so blatantly stared me down disappeared? Where could I go so that I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore? Nowhere. That was the answer. Nowhere.

Reality is harsh.

I think that was my moment of weakness. I think that’s when I realized exactly what reality was, exactly what my feeling meant, and I felt like escaping from it all. That was when I let my guard down. That’s when I let everyone down.

That’s when black invaded my eyes again, blinding me. Burying me beneath burning cinders. Dragging me down deeper and deeper and deeper and I let it. I let it drag me down. Because I was scared of what I didn’t know. Because I was scared of what I now knew. Because I wasn’t as strong as I originally thought I was. Because I overestimated myself, something I will forever regret, I was left feeling tired. I was left feeling exhausted. I was left feeling more helpless than I had ever felt before. I dragged my feet along my parallel line, sinking slowly to my knees. I didn’t want to walk anymore. I wanted someone to carry me through it all. So, it was easy to do it. It was easy to look on at the path I had ahead of me and simply give up. And, in the end, I did.

The balloon popped.

And I relinquished everything to her.

A/N: 

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