He was calling me, I knew he was. I could see it as my phone lit up over and over again with his name on the screen, but I ignored it. Baekhyun and I had been idly chatting, watching some TV and doing a great job of never mentioning the topic of Kris, but it was growing increasingly hard to ignore the big blond elephant in the room.

“You gonna answer that?” Baekhyun tentatively asked after my boyfriend’s third attempt.

“Not really.”

Baekhyun hadn’t asked me why I was at his house instead of with Kris on Valentine’s day, but I could see that he wanted to.

The ringing stopped for a third time and the silence was suffocating. “Why are you ignoring him?” He asked, moving closer to me on the couch.

I wasn’t sure anymore. It was immature of me to be upset with Kris, right? I should just appreciate that he was trying to contact me now, right? It was only 8 pm, we still had a night ahead of us and maybe we could at least enjoy that together, right? “I don’t want to talk to him.” I guess not.

“Did you two fight?” No.

I thought about my relationship with Kris. The string that held the two of us together was fraying and it was all my fault. I was pushing him away, hacking at the strong with my insecurities and neediness and I had probably pushed him into someone else’s arms. I had the most sickening feeling; I could see the string snapping very soon.

A few minutes of silence passed, which Baekhyun took for a yes. “He hurts you, Yeollie, I can see it. I don’t know what he did to deserve you loving him so much but he’s not worth it all, you know that right?” No.

“I would never hurt you…” He didn’t hurt me, though.

I looked up at Baekhyun, feeling the need to defend Kris but was shocked at his proximity. Baekhyun was close and I was feeling the strongest sense of Déjà vu, and my phone lit up again, the ringing making us both jump and separate before anything else could happen.

“He didn’t hurt me and we didn’t fight Baekhyunnie,” I had finally found my voice, “He’s just making me crazy but I know he’s not doing it on purpose. I feel like I’m dying when he’s not with me and I know that’s not healthy-“

Baekhyun cut off my words, grabbing my shoulders and pressing his lips to mine. “Stop talking about him, stop being upset over him,” He whispered.

I pushed him away and grabbed for my phone just as the ringing stopped.

We both froze, looking at each other and the tension sparked between us like electricity. I was up on my feet in seconds and running towards the door, dialing Kris’ number quickly as I hurried to grab my jacket off the table.

“Chanyeol, please don’t go, I’m sorry!” Baekhyun grabbed my wrist, pulling me around to face him.

“Hello? Yeollie?” Kris’ voice was frantic on the other end and my heart leapt when I heard him.

“Chanyeol, listen to me!” Baekhyun dragged me back to the living room despite my protests, distracting me from my boyfriend who was now calling out in confusion over the small device. “I love you and I’ll do anything for you but I can’t let you go like this! Everyone can see the way you look at him and it’s horrible Chanyeol. When you talk about him you get this look in your eyes and it scares me to see you love him so much and I wish I could make you stop.”

I pulled away from him, using as much force as possible to attempt to escape his grip.

 “Baekhyunnie, please,” I pleaded, dropping my phone when I had to use my other hand to pry his fingers away from the bruising grip. “You’re my best friend and I love you but not in that way, can’t you accept that?” I didn’t know what to say to him anymore, I wanted to grab him and shake him and hit him for thinking that he could make me let go of Kris.

“It’s not about that, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun shouted and reached for me again, causing me to jump back.

Suddenly, the door opened and an out of breath Kris barged into the living room. “I came as fast as I could,” He panted, and I was shocked. He must have run all the way here from Tao’s, but that was at least ten minutes away on foot. I had only answered his call five minutes ago.

“Tell him Kris,” Baekhyun spoke, turning towards my boyfriend. “Tell him how scary the way he loves you is. It’s unhealthy and you know that, Kris, tell him.” He was speaking quickly now, desperately almost.

I felt uncomfortable. I just wanted to get to Kris and go home because the tension in the air was so thick and electric and I was scared of what would happen when it broke.

“Did he hurt you?” Kris asked, ignoring Baekhyun’s words and turning towards me.

I shook my head quickly, my heart pounding a million times in a second.

“Why did you come here?” He asked, still out of breath.

I didn’t answer; I knew Kris wouldn’t like what I had to say.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?” He continued after a few seconds.

“You were with Tao, right?” Baekyhun interjected, suddenly realizing the true reason I had invited myself over so abruptly.

Kris’ eyes sparked with realization and he turned to me. “Were you jealous?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day,” I didn’t like the accusing tone.

Baekhyun’s eyes widened, it was almost as if he could see what was coming. He quickly left the room and I heard the front door shut before he came back. Maybe he didn’t want any neighbours to hear if things escalated into a large fight, which I didn’t doubt would happen.

“You don’t understand-“ Kris shook his head with a light laugh and I suddenly felt furious.

Did he even care? I had been dying inside all day and he was laughing it off like it was nothing. “No, you don’t understand. Do you even care about me Kris?”

“Yeollie, I do, just let me explain-“ Kris’ body was tense now, agitated. That didn’t even begin to describe the way I felt.

“No! I’m sorry Kris, am I being to clingy for you?” My voice had risen to a frighteningly loud tone and Baekhyun watched the two of us closely.  “Can’t I just ask for one day-“ I could feel all of my emotions from the past year crashing down on me. How much I had needed Kris before we got together, how much more I needed him after.

“One day?!” Kris was shouting now too, his eyes wide in disbelief. “You’ve had one year! All I asked for was two days with Tao, two days and you don’t even know what I was doing,” Kris’ voice grew cold and my heart lurched.

I could feel it, the frayed edges of that string, of our relationship, everything was unravelling fast and I couldn’t breathe. Our first fight was nothing compared to this; now, I felt like not only our relationship but my sanity was on the line.

I knew that I should back down, I knew that I was only adding fuel to the flames but I didn’t care anymore because it, I loved fire.

“You were with Tao, right?” I challenged. “What were you doing with him?” My tone was full of accusation and I had meant for it to come across that way.  I saw my boyfriend’s eyes widening even more, he seemed surprised that I would even say that, and even slightly hurt. I felt guilty for a moment, but then realized how hurt I had been for so long.

“I cannot believe it. Are you accusing me of cheating on you?” Kris looked livid. I must have looked the same way.

“Are you cheating on me?” I replied, stepping towards him, feeling the anger oozing out of my pores.

“You’re ing kidding me,” Kris scoffed, answering my movements but stepping forward also.

Baekhyun tensed, I saw the anger in his eyes. I knew that he would defend me until the end; I also knew that in this moment, he was the only one who hated Kris more than I did. That thought didn’t comfort me, however, but instead calmed me.

I realized then, that Baekhyun truly saw Kris as the bad guy here. That wasn’t true, it was me. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to apologize, to tell Kris I loved him, and to have him hold me and tell me that it was alright.

Baekhyun looked like he would rather die than allow that after what he had witnessed here tonight.

Kris had hurt me, but he didn’t mean to. I knew that now. I just wanted Kris to hold me, to tell me that it would be okay and I promised myself that I would never let this happen. I would be normal for him. I didn’t want to be as crazy as Baekhyun thought I was, I never realized how much that accusation hurt me before. I needed to stop things before Kris saw me in the same light because I knew that that would just kill me. I couldn’t let him think of me as crazy, I needed him to help me be normal. I wanted our relationship to be okay, no more fights, no more of this stupid paranoia. I wanted to make things right.

I opened my mouth to apologize but before I could even speak, Kris was right in front of me, breathing in my angry breaths, staring down into my eyes. I had never seen him so mad. I closed my mouth, feeling scared and fragile and ready to break down into tears. I needed forgiveness; I had really ed up this time and I silently prayed that Kris would forgive me.

“Kris I’m sorry-“ I had barely gotten the quiet words out before he cut me off.

“You’re ing insane.”

And with that, I felt the threads holding everything together finally snap.