‘I don’t see you. I’m not staring at you. You aren’t walking towards me at this very moment.’

My body was frozen, my heart pounding with a mix of fear and happiness for here he was, the man of my dreams – or nightmares.

Even now, as he crossed the threshold of my bedroom door, drenched in blood and staring at me with the most intense look, I couldn’t decide which he was. I didn’t know if I wanted to run away from him or towards him. I felt the need to bury myself in his bloodied arms and kiss the scowl off of his face.

“Kris,” I finally spoke out loud, managing to find my voice.

“Miss me, Yeollie?”

His voice. Oh God, his voice.

I stood, untangling the covers from my legs, and hurried towards him.

“How? Am I dreaming?” I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I could have drifted off. I wished so badly that I wasn’t, though.

He grabbed my wrist then, and brought my hand to his face and I could’ve cried like a baby. My Kris. He was here and I was touching him.

“Baby,” He whispered and that was all it took for me to throw myself into him, hugging him with such intensity that if he wasn’t dead before, he soon would be if I didn’t let him go so he could breathe.

“Kris. Kris. Kris. I missed you,” I loved speaking to him, I loved saying his name, I loved him so much.

“Baby,” He repeated again and I couldn’t help but be reminded of what had happened before Baekhyun led me back to my room and told me to wait while he cooked me breakfast.

“Shh, what did you see, baby?”

“It’s okay, baby, you were just seeing things.”

I pulled out of Kris’ arms, despite how much it hurt to do so, and looked up at him.

“Baby?” Those words didn’t come out of Kris’ mouth. And I had to blink twice before I could see Baekhyun standing in the doorway, a tray piled with eggs and bacon and toast in his hands.

I looked around but Kris was nowhere to be seen. My heart sank.

“You okay, Yeollie?” Baekhyun walked past me to the bed and set down the tray and I could only stand there in shock.

“Come here,” He said, and my legs moved of their own accord. I felt numb, but in agony at the same time.

Baekhyun had gotten once slice of bread, half an egg, and three pieces of bacon into my mouth before was finally out of my state of shock. “These are good,” I commented through a mouthful.

He looked up at me, relieved that I was acting like a living being again. “Thanks, I know that he-“ He cut himself off, looking horrified at what he nearly said, and I could only smile sympathetically. It was alright, I already knew what he was going to say.

Kris would make this for me for breakfast, however to a much smaller scale, claiming that I didn’t need all the extra energy. I Baekhyun’s hand and took another piece of bacon. Kris only gave me this much food the morning after we’d had a fight.

“It’s okay,” I said, nudging him to show that there was no harm done. That was when I noticed something peeking out from under my sleeve. Curiously, I uncovered my arm and my heart leapt out of my chest when I laid eyes upon the red handprint staining the skin. I couldn’t contain my scream of surprise.

“Yeollie? What happened?” Baekhyun grabbed my wrist, examining it carefully. He turned it this way and that, trying to figure out what caused me to scream. “Chanyeol?” He looked at me in confusion and I realized with horror that I’d been seeing things again.

“I don’t know. Sorry.”

I lowered my head, feeling extremely exhausted.

Baekhyun, however, seemed to realize what had happened and pulled me into his arms, my hair lovingly. He didn’t say anything, just continued to feed me until the breakfast was done.

“I’m going to put this away, are you gonna be okay?”

‘Here? Alone? God, no. ‘

 I nodded.

“Okay,” He didn’t look so sure, but he left anyways. I stood, walking to the ensuite bathroom, and the sink. I knew that there was nothing there but I submerged my hand anyways, turning the water first scalding hot, and then freezing cold.

***

March 15^th, Kris was now missing for one month.

I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. It was partly out of tired resolve, partly out of fear that I didn’t dare look anywhere else. I didn’t know when the next puddle of blood or dead body would appear in the corner of my eye and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

Baekhyun seemed to only be growing more and more worried for me as the days went by. Since the hallucinations started, I was much quieter. I moved around mechanically, emotionlessly, almost acting like a dead body myself. Between these moments and the times when I would break down in tears and hysterics, I was sure that Baekhyun thought I was a basket case.

Then again, he was probably just chalking it all up to grief. The boy would stand by me even if I was a raving lunatic.

I had to smile at that thought, I was glad to have someone who I knew would support me through all of this. I heard a door slam and shot up from my reclining position. Baekhyun wasn’t home now, that much I knew. He had work for at least a few more hours.

“Hello?” I called out, my voice surprisingly monotone.

There was no answer and I got out of bed, my limbs moving on autopilot as my mind swam with questions of who it could possibly be.

It wasn’t until I reached the source of the sound, the back door, that I realized what was going on.

“Please, no…” I watched the backdoor swinging open and shut, the stains of dark red on the doorknob.

I walked over to it just as it closed again with a loud bang. I placed my hand on the wood, preventing it from swinging open once more. I knew that this was impossible, there was no wind to cause the movement and the door was simply too heavy anyways. When I was sure that it was over, I glanced down at the doorknob and sure enough, it was spotless.

I was back in bed, curled up under all the blankets before I even knew that I’d moved.

***

“Chanyeollie, Kai came to see you,” Baekhyun opened the door and sure enough, the younger boy poked his head in.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Kai’s voice was soft, gentle, but I couldn’t feel it in me to respond with much more than a dull ‘fine’ and curl up under the covers once more.

“We should go,” Baekhyun was quick to say, ushering the other out of the room and shutting me in silence.

***

“I’m worried about him, he just lies around all day and did you see his eyes?  So blank. Like there’s no one home.”

I opened my eyes to voices coming from the hallway. Was Kai still here? When did I fall asleep?

I checked the clock to see that it was nine p.m.

“He’s still upset about Kris, you can’t blame him for acting a little depressed.”

“A little depressed? I think he passed depression a long time ago.”

“Kai…”

“I know, I just want him to be happy. I think he needs to get out of bed and talk to his friends for once. He was isolating himself before Kris left and now it’s a thousand times worse. At least then, he had blondie.”

“And now he has me,” Baekhyun argued.

“Now he needs all of us,” Kai retorted.

I didn’t really need anyone, I told myself before I closed my eyes and mind to their argument.

***

Two more days passed with me on autopilot, moving around like a puppet on strings or a robot programmed to eat, sleep and respond politely to questions before shutting the world out once more. I was afraid to go anywhere in case I would see things again, I was afraid to speak to anyone in case they weren’t real.

I wondered if Kris was even still alive, although by this point it was sure he was dead. And it was my fault, wasn’t it? That was what all those visions were telling me. I drove him away and he somehow got himself killed.

I frowned. No, that wasn’t it. I knew that much.

“Chanyeol, you haven’t touched your dinner,” Baekhyun called across the table at me.

I looked down to see that indeed, the plate remained untouched. I had to laugh a little in my mind, you’d think that my hands would be shovelling food into my mouth anyways. I wondered if I was always this spacy; I mean, sure, before everything I would often say things without realizing that I said them, or do things without noticing. It had really only gotten worse. It was like my mind was disconnected from my body sometimes – most of the time.

“He’s dead, right?”

See, I didn’t even mean to say that.

Baekhyun chewed his food quietly, as if unsure of what to reply. Would he lie to comfort me? Or would he say the truth that dangled over everyone’s heads like a sword.

“Probably.”

And there it was.

I looked up at Baekhyun and our eyes met. My heart pounded suddenly as a realization I had yet to make washed over me.

He was tired, I could see that much. Had my monotonous existence become too much for him? Would he finally snap?

“You should go to bed.”

I stood up, my limbs mechanic and I placed my untouched plate by the sink.

“Goodnight, Baekhyun.”

“Goodnight, Chanyeol.”

Like well-oiled gears, we both got ready for bed, moving around each other smoothly. When had living with him beside me become second nature to me? It was as if I’d been here, next to him, my entire life. It wasn’t too bad, I told myself, living like this.

I could probably forget all about Kris and go on like a robot in Baekhyun’s arms. I could move on easily while never moving on at all. I could live a perfect half-life, like clockwork. So immersed in my thoughts, I reached for the toothpaste at the same moment he did.

The second our hands touched, he jumped, flinching and drawing his hand back as if he’d been burned.

And so unlike clockwork, we collided.