‘You’re a monster, a murderer. You make me sick.’

D.O. was silent when I was led into the room today. It was the first time that he had been brought in before me. I wondered if this change was significant.

“How are you today Chanyeol?” He asked quietly after a few moments of silence. Of course, I didn’t respond.

“So you spoke yesterday,” He eyed me carefully as I took the seat across from him, drawing my knees up to my chest as per usual. “That’s what I heard, they found you talking, whispering to yourself at night.”

I refused to look at him now; he was acting as if I was insane.  

“Would you care to tell me who you were talking about?” D.O. shuffled some of the papers in his hand. His tone was more casual than questioning and I had to wonder if he already knew the answer to his own question.

He barely waited before continuing, already seeming to know that I wouldn’t be speaking at all. He cleared his throat and read off of his file.

“Kris Wu’s body was found the morning of March 20^th, buried in the backyard of Byun Baekhyun.”

***

I had spoken with the police countless times already. At first, they thought that it was a possibility that he just ran away, but it had been almost a week and they were finally entertaining the idea of foul play. I watched the officer walk back down the front lawn and to his car before shutting the door with a sigh.

I had insisted on staying home alone the third night after Kris’ disappearance, but my nightmares kept me up again. They had gotten so bad that I was now staying at Baekhyun’s house. However, as the days passed, they only got worse.

Scenes of me watching Kris get murdered turned to me holding Kris down as he was stabbed repeatedly with a knife, to me bashing his head into the edge of the kitchen counter until his skull was just shattered fragments of bone and blood.

I tried to keep the contents of my stomach down for once as I made my way over to the couch, quickly texting Tao to see if anything had come up that I didn’t know about yet. Since Kris’ disappearance, Tao and I had grown much closer, but I still never told the younger boy of my suspicions. He seemed to need me right now, and quite frankly, I felt the same way. We both loved Kris – in different ways, I hoped – and now we were supporting each other as we tried to figure out what was going on. But one thing grew more and more apparent as the days went on, Tao was definitely right.

Kris would never put us through this much worry and stress, I knew that now, and no matter how much Baekhyun insisted that he had simply run away or left us, I could feel the truth burning at my insides.

“Yeollie, I’m home,” Baekhyun called out, walking in through the front door and smiling when he peeked through the doorway and found me on the couch. “Is this how you’d wait for Kris when he was out?” He joked, and with a jolt I realized how closely I was imitating my once daily actions.

I stood quickly and the smile fell from his face. “I’m sorry, that was horrible,” He said apologetically. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive or anything,” He took my hand and squeezed it tightly, reassuringly.

The way he looked at me, the way he held my hand, only made my heart ache. “I want him back,” I whispered. The days had turned into a roller coaster of emotions and my already fragile psyche couldn’t hold much more of this before I snapped, I figured. “I miss him.” I hadn’t realized that I was crying until Baekhyun was wiping away my tears.

I wondered how this scene would have played out if I was sure that Kris had just run away. Would I still let Baekhyun touch me like so softly, gently, lovingly? I would probably be more inclined to, I reasoned. But now, with the thought that he might be hurt or dead, I couldn’t bring myself to take any more comfort in Baekhyun’s caresses. I felt like I had already stolen too much when I allowed him to hold me those first few days after Kris was gone.

I felt guilty, like I was cheating. I tried to tell myself that that was the least of my guilt.

***

My hands were around his neck in an instant, and the force of my attack had knocked him backwards. He flinched in pain as his back came in contact with the corner of the table, but I wouldn’t let up. I was mad, furious, I couldn’t control myself. As if I were a man possessed, I enjoyed the knowledge that he was slowly suffocating beneath my fingers. Kris gasped and clawed at my hands, but I found myself holding on with an inhuman strength.

It wasn’t until all the life faded and his limp body crumpled in my hands that my senses came back to me. I screamed.

Baekhyun was staring at me, startled awake but the loud cry that I thought I had merely dreamt. “Another one?” His voice was exhausted – I’d been waking him up countless times for these nightmares.

“I strangled him in this one,” I whispered.

 “Shhhh, they’re just dreams,” He coaxed be back into a relaxed position and ran his fingers through my hair.

“I wouldn’t say a dream,” I muttered bitterly, curling closer to him. I pushed away the guilt for now, I just needed to be held as I tried to make those thoughts and images go away.

Maybe it was my subconscious telling me it was my fault that Kris was gone. Well, if that was true, it didn’t need to go through so much. I already knew it.

***

“Can you think of anyone who would want to harm him?” I felt my head throbbing as I heard that question for the millionth time.

No, I really didn’t.

I looked down, pretending to think, but really just trying to put off answering the question. I was tired of this; they were making no progress at all, only going in circles.

It was then that I noticed something, a small red dot on the carpet. It was miniscule and barely stood out against the brown rug, but now that I had seen it, its presence was nagging at me.

“No not really,” I said quickly, wanting to rush them out so that I could investigate. My heart was suddenly pounding, even though I reasoned with myself that it was probably nothing.

Luckily, it didn’t take much for the officers to leave; they were obviously as tired with their job on this case as I was. I quickly shut the door and bent down to inspect the stain, noticing that it was hardened as if something like paint had dripped on to the fabric. I got up and went to the kitchen, wetting a towel and beginning to wipe at the spot. The water dissolved the mark, causing it to smudge slightly as I pulled at it. The smudge was a reddish brown and upon seeing it, my heart pounded harder. I was sure now, I was wiping at blood.

I heard the door opening and shot up. I placed one foot over the tiny smudge and hid the towel behind my back as the door opened to reveal a huffy looking Baekhyun.

“I met up with Kai today and he keeps asking about you, he doesn’t seem to understand that you really don’t want to see anyone right now,” He groaned, shutting it behind him.

It was true, I wasn’t feeling up to socializing, but I had never told Baekhyun that. In fact, he usually preferred that I went out with my friends in times of crises to get my mind off of it all. He was being strangely accepting of my post Kris hermit life.

“Anyways, watcha doing?” He asked, smiling up at me and I realized that I had just been staring at him in silence.

“Umm, not much, hungry,” I said hastily, wanting to distract him as quickly as possible.

“Oh okay, I’ll cook you something,” Baekhyun smiled and for some reason, I felt sick. Perhaps I was jumping to conclusions. After all, it was just one small spot of blood. It could have been from anything. Right?