There were exactly four names and addresses on the paper that Kris gave me.

The first was the address to the PC Bang that Jongin supposedly wasted countless hours and money at. It was nearby the second address which read : Jaebum. After thinking long and hard, wondering why Jaebum sounded so familiar, I realized that I knew him. Of course there was more than one Jaebum in all of Seoul but I was almost certain that this Jaebum was the same Jaebum that was with Jongin the night of the murder.

The third address was Jongin's parents' home and the fourth was nameless and led to an apartment complex in upper Gangnam.

Four addresses and four chances that I hoped didn't go to waste. Right after school ended, I headed straight towards the PC Bang in the heart of downtown Seoul. The PC Bang was teeming with teenage boys in school uniforms and backpacks abandoned and thrown into dark corners and slung forgotten on the back of the black chairs in front of the computers.

I smiled a bit, imagining a younger Jongin with his friends, face glued to the computer screen and fingers moving quickly.

Kris had written a little note under the PC Bang address with a small explanation:

Jongin relieved his stress here.

I thanked the Lord for Jongin's unorthodox name- people would rather know right away or not at all of a Kai. The man sitting in front of the desk was young and his hair was dyed a light brown. He looked like he was a college student and typed away on his computer, mouth ajar and bright eyes gleaming with unfaltering concentration.

"Hey," the clerk barely acknowledged me, "Two dollars."

"Oh, I actually had a question," I bit my lip on habit and he typed away on his computer for a couple more seconds before he forcibly turned the computer screen away from his face and looked up at me. "Uh-huh?" he questioned apathetically.

"I was wondering if you know of a Kai."

"Kai?" he implored, tapping his fingers distractingly on the plastic table he was perched in front of. The clerk stared at me with furrowed brows, "Of course I know Kai, I went to high school with him. If we're talking about the same Kai."

"Kim Jongin."

"Yeah, I know him," the man stared up at me questioningly, leaning back on his chair.

"Really?"

"Really. We wasted our money here and we told each other that we would work here during college so we could play for free," the clerk chuckled, "But we both knew that he didn't need to do that- he's loaded!" He spread his arms apart like an eagle to express just how loaded Kim Jongin was.

The clerk grunted, shaking his finger at me, "Whatever, it was the thought that counted back then." He reached over where a pack of dried squid was sitting on the desk. He took out three and held them all by his fist, sticking them in his mouth and violently taking a bite. "Stale." he made a face.

I couldn't help but laugh. He was like a breath of fresh air. A very whimsical breath of fresh air.

"Why?" the clerk asked suddenly, staring up at me as if I was going to find Jongin and murder him.

"I'm an old friend," I explained, "Do you know where he is?"

The clerk shook his head and chewed on his squid thoughtfully. "Nah. The last I heard of him was when he moved out of his parents' house. I don't know where he moved to but he disappeared off the face of the earth."

He stared up at me and started to laugh hysterically, clapping his hands together and attracting quite a few glances from annoyed customers, "You look scared. I'm joking, he didn't fall of the face of the Earth."

I smiled and nodded, "Well, thank you for your help." I decided that he couldn't do much. He didn't know any more about Jongin than I did.

"Mmhm," he responded. He set his food pack down and turned the monitor towards him again, typing away.

As I was leaving, he called, "Hey! If you see him, tell him Chanyeol says hi."

I promised that I would and then went along my way.

'Disappeared off the face of the Earth'. Chanyeol obviously did not give me any more information but he did ease some of my apprehension. My next destination was to Jaebum's whose apartment was right next to the PC Bang.

I climbed one flight of stairs to the apartment and knocked on the steel door.

Immediately a voice called, "Coming!" After about a minute, the door opened and I was greeted by a face and a calm baby girl being bounced on one knee. The house behind him was a chaotic mess, the little girl's hair was sticking to her face due to the red candy she must have been eating earlier. Clothes were thrown around and dishes were stacked up on tables and next to the sink.

"Yes?" Jaebum asked. His skin was pale and he had a rough demeanor. However, he wore a mischievous, jolly smile on his face.

"Jaebum?"

"Yeah. Who are you?" He held the baby with one arm and a milk with his other hand. One foot propped the door open.

"I'm Hana," I introduced, "I was wondering if you knew anything about Jongi- Kai." I corrected myself. I kept forgetting. He wasn't Jongin here.

"Kai?" Jaebum gave me the same response as Chanyeol by looking at me oddly and I was starting to wonder if I was pronouncing his name incorrectly.

"Kai,"  I responded. He looked surprised but thankfully not upset. There was no yelling or slamming of doors.

"You know what?" Jaebum muttered, looking at the milk bottle in his hand and then up at me, "I haven't heard that name in years."

"Ah," I responded. I wasn't surprised. If this was the same Jaebum that I thought he was, I knew that him and Jongin hadn't been in contact with each other since after the incident.

"Why? What did that little bastard do now?" Jaebum chuckled. He tried to expel the sudden thick and serious atmosphere that he didn't seem like he was used to. Jaebum reminded me so much of Baekhyun.

"Nothing. I'm just looking for him," I replied. Jaebum looked at me odd but nodded and started to bounce his toddler up and down on a bent knee.

"Well, thank you," I told him.

"No problem. And hey," he stopped me for a second, "If you do find him for whatever reason, tell him that I am sorry and that I hope he's doing good, will you?" With that, I was pretty certain that this was indeed the same Jaebum of the whole incident.

"Sure."

The next day was a Saturday and I was blessed with no school and left with two more destinations, the two that I had left on purpose. I was hoping that I didn't have to go to Jongin's parents' house although I knew it was probably my best bet. I had spent the first half of my Saturday asleep in my bed, dead to the world. It was the first time that I slept soundly ever since Jongin had left.

Sleepless nights were filled with haunted of images of flames consuming ships and choked with the same desperate feeling of suffocation as that night.

Even if Jongin 'freed me' physically, he never freed me conciously.

With a smile on my face due to the first time I slept peacefully for years, I rode the bus to Gangnam into a gated community overlooking the south side of the Han River. From the bus I walked the rest of the way, my mind blank, unconciously maneuvering around the groups of children and their parents sitting, eating, laughing in tents at the parks and sailing miniature boats on the shallow side of the river.

My legs took me to one of the brick mansions that seemed excluded from the weekend celebration of laughing children and sunscreen. The house was lavish and surrounded by an iron, black gate. Healthy green grass grew around the circumference of the mansion and flowers lined the sidewalk leading up to the large wooden front door. A dark green colored ivy ran up the side of the home and hung in an arc above the front door.

It epitomized old money.

The house and front yard looked as if it belonged on the front of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. 

I rang the buzzer and a man's melancholy voice answered with a simple, "Who."

"Hi, my name's Hana. I was wondering if Jongin was home? I'm an old friend." I wasn't sure if I should address Jongin with Jongin or Kai so I just went with what I was used to, hoping no one found it odd. However, the feedback was silent on the other side of the buzzer, the man on the other side not hanging up but not daring to say a word.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the white curtains being drawn slightly as I saw a glimpse of a dark eye peering at me curiously from the crevice in the curtains. The speaker buzzed again and the gate made a clicking noise as it opened. I assumed that the gates opening was a sign that I was permitted to enter. I walked up the clean and extravagant stone path up to where I saw the large front doors being opened by the same man as I talked to on the buzzer.

There was a small pond plentiful with coy fish and lily pads to my right and a kaleidoscopic array of flowers in full bloom to my right. Just walking up this path made me feel like a princess.

"You're looking for Jongin huh?" the buzzer man asked as I approached the door.

I nodded.

"Well, you came to the wrong place." The man looked to be in his older twenties, flauting a tall build and broad shoulders. He had his tousled black hair cut ivy-league style with the front gelled up. He wore a slim fitting loose black t-shirt and black slacks to match. He was handsome in a rugged, manly way probably due to his facial hair and strong features.

"Is this the Kim's?" I asked. I only had a 25% chance left of finding Jongin if this mansion failed and I was determined to find closure with the person who once loved me. I didn't understand why I was so stubborn about this issue, all I knew was that I needed to be with him and find answers, even if it was for one last time.

"Yeah," he replied, "But it's been a while since he's been here."

I nodded in response. Buzzer-man looked at me from head to toe as if he was inspecting my clothes. His eyes stopped on my face and he flashed me a toothy grin.

"How do you know my lil' brother?"

Oh. This was the infamous brother.

"We go back," I explained, "Would you know-"

"Did he talk ill of me?" Buzzer-boy, or now Jongin's brother, let out a little chuckle, "I wouldn't be surprised if he did."

"No," I responded quickly, "He just told me that you studied abroad."

"Ah. Well. I think we have some things to talk about, Hana."

"I don't want to impose."

"No," he replied, "I know who you are." He gave me a wink and left the door open before turning around and strutting into his dark house. I wasn't sure if I could follow him but my legs thought for my brain and soon enough I was following Jongin's brother through the hallway of Jongin's old house. There weren't any windows so there wasn't much natural light, casting a gloomy mood over the house.

Nonetheless, the house was bigger inside than it looked on the outside with a beautiful dark oak flooring and elegant, dark colored furniture.

The hallway was lined with family portraits, the first one being in black and white and the last one being Jongin's family with his brother and who I assumed to be their parents. Jongin was dressed in a black suit and looked fresh faced and handsome, eyes unthinkingly glaring into the camera as his father's hand rested on his shoulder.

"Minhyuk, by the way."

I diverted my attention from the photo to see Minhyuk's strong figure leaning against the grand staircase, still somewhat examining me. His arms were crossed and so were his legs before he walked up to where I was standing.

"Oh yes, Father number one. Jongin and I call him the original," I followed his long finger to where he pointed to the man whose hand was on Jongin's shoulder. I looked away to see a smug expression on Minhyuk's face.

He shrugged, "Or at least that's what we called him when Kai and I were on talking terms."

Minhyuk corrected himself, "Jongin. As you would call him."

I felt odd that I seemed to be the only person in Seoul to call Jongin by his real name.

"Is anyone home?" I asked, suddenly analytical about the ominous silence in the large mansion.

"Yeah. Secretary Yoon is probably in her room. Mother's having tea in the guest house and I never know where Father is." Minhyuk started up the stairs. I wasn't sure where he was taking me but I blindly followed.

"I know you, Hana," he repeated.

"You do?"

"Yes. First off, I am Jongin's brother. Well, half brother but same thing. Belive it or not, we used to be close and he used to tell me about girls. But of course only when he really needed the advice and after he decided that it wouldn't ruin his pride."

I laughed at the thought of that, teenager Jongin and his older brother talking awkwardly about girls. I could practically see Jongin rolling his eyes at every word his brother said, but then taking it to heart at the end of their conversation.

"What made you two grow apart?"

"Special circumstances. Jongin ed up something and my parents hated him for it. I mean, Jongin already disliked me because my dad ruined his life even further," Minhyuk shrugged and talked as if none of this mattered to him and Jongin was a baby lion trying to roar as loud as the leader of the pride, "Then my parents hated him even more because of you."

"Me? Are you sure?" I couldn't help but be surprised. I hadn't ever met his parents. I didn't even know that he talked about me.

"Yeah. He wasted his summers going to Busan when he could have been studying for his college entrance exams or at least learning a little something about the business. The reason why he quit Seoul University was because the classes were too hard. Jongin's smart and all but Seoul University? I knew he couldn't do it."

Minhyuk shook his head and let out a smirk, "And then of course my parents heard that he ran away with a girl and by then, Jongin was asking for it," Minhyuk replied, "Dad number two didn't really care much but he did anything that Jongin's mom would tell him to so he practically got a beating every hour until mom got tired of it and aunt came to fetch him to take him back to Busan."

Aunt. That had to be Miss Kwon.

Hearing a familiar name made me feel less clueless but nonetheless, Minhyuk's words stuck with me painfully like a knife in my chest. I knew that Jongin came to Busan voluntarily but I didn't realize how much harder I made life for him during his teenage years. Not only that, but I felt like shrinking away under Minhyuk's gaze. He looked at me with arrogance- like he knew that he was smarter than me. 

Like he already knew everything about me.

"And as a result, I got crowned best son and ever since then, Jongin took some extra time to make sure he pulled everyone's strings."

Minhyuk stopped in front of a closed door at the end of the hallway and rested his hand on the doorknob. He glanced at me briefly and stated. "He talked about you." Usually those words would make me smile but I was again, still upset about what Minhyuk had told me earlier. I never knew how much pain I caused him. Jongin always put up a strong front.

Minhyuk opened the door for me and motioned for me to walk inside. As I did, I felt my breath catching in my throat when I realized what was going on and where I was.

It was Jongin.

Well not actually Jongin, but traces of him.

Remnants of him and evidence that he used to live in this room. White walls and wooden floors that held Jongin's darkest one a.m. secrets. A room that knew who Jongin was behind closed doors. A room that knew what Jongin did when he couldn't fall asleep and how groggy he was when he woke up to go to school. A room that knew how Jongin cried and laughed when there was no one there to judge him. A room that got used to his small habits and sheltered his loneliness.

Oh, how I wish I could be like this room for him.

My eyes grazed every corner of his large and clean area.

The walls and sheets were white but everything else was made out of a dark oak. A stack of forgotten Ne-Yo cds were scattered on his desk and clean black kicks lay at the foot of his bed, the stained laces were sprawled carelessly. A collage of picture frames captured Jongin's face from preschool graduation to high school graduation, showing how Jongin's handsome face matured. I couldn't help but be jealous at the fact that he was probably the only one in South Korea who didn't go through an awkward middle school stage.

A daybed smaller than his actual bed was next to the window where a view of his backyard and the Han River could be seen.

I walked closer to see the all too familiar handwriting and Busan-stamped envelopes piled up and perched against the window. I didn't need to see more and turned around quickly to meet eyes with Minhyuk, feeling a knot in my throat and a harrowing pang in my chest.

Oh, because of Jongin I knew why lovers yearned to see each other after a long period of separation. I never realized how capable I was of missing someone- other than my brother. My ears were ringing, desperate to hear his beautiful vocal chords sing my name; my palms were sweaty and desperate to feel his distinct touch.

Because I couldn't keep him with me physically, I thrived to keep him with me inside of my mind.

However, he left part of me in his old house.

"There's not much stuff here because he took most when he left, but-"

Minhyuk thought I was upset because I realized that this was Jongin's room so he continued on, but that was not it.

I wasn't upset.

I was in excruciating pain because I realized that I might have been a part of a past recollection, just like the abandoned items in this room. Just like my forgotten letters on the window.

"Why did you bring me here?" I interrupted. I couldn't stand the suffering anymore. All I wanted was to see Jongin. All I wanted was closure. I didn't want to go through his baby pictures and his sleeping habits.

If I had my way, I would want  Jongin to run into my arms and kiss me and whisper, saying that the last two years were a waste of valuable time we could have spent together. I wanted him to tell me that he felt the same way about me and we can be truly happy now; but this, I realized that truthfully, all I wanted was an answer. An answer as to why he left so suddenly. An answer as to why he didn't ever come back nor write me.

I was being melodramatic, yes, but Jongin was capable of making me into a delusional person that even I myself was unfamiliar with. He was capable of making me feel left behind with one petty little thing. He made me scared that after I losing him once, I lost him forever.

I could not afford that.

I was told that sometimes, to love was to walk away; I didn't want to be engaged in that kind of painful love.

Minhyuk stared at me, eyes slightly squinting as if he was judging me again. I stared definatly. I couldn't see any resemblence between the two brothers other than their towering height.

"Jongin. About two years ago he asked me a favor and it was that if you ever came here, I would lead you to him."

Again, I was speechless. This was it. Why couldn't he have told me this before going through the fuss of bringing back old memories?

"But I can't do that anymore," Minhyuk rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently, looking into my eyes with a knowing look as if his touch and words would make me peacefully agree to give up Jongin.

I squirmed out of his touch. My temper was starting to boil which was odd because I never had much of a temper. "Why not."

"Circumstances have drastically changed, my darling."

He stared at me straight in the eye and cocked his head to the side, raising his shoulder up in a slight shrug. Oh how I wanted to jump at him. Minhyuk gave me a cocky look and raised the corner of his lip on one side in a haughty smile, obviously amused at my rage. He looked at me as if i was a stupid, little girl. I hated it.

"What do you mean?" I didn't bother raising my tone at the end of the sentence and kept my words choppy and threatening through my gritted teeth.

"I couldn't do it to Jongin. I hate that bastard but I told you, he's my little brother whether we like it or not. And besides, I doubt seeing him would do anything good for you either."

By this point I was desperate. Minhyuk who was previously arrogant turned serious.

"I'm not usually like this," I started, "But I deserve to know and even though you're Jongin's brother, you can't make that decision for him. You can't make a decision like that for us."

"Us, huh?" he chuckled again and let out a groan, staring at the ceiling. Minhyuk sighed for one last time before staring at me right in the eyes like Jongin would.

"Us. You don't know what we had, Minhyuk," I replied.

He blinked before nodding, "I don't know. I'm just trying to put myself in Jongin's position. If I were Kim Jongin right now, I would not want to see my high school lover."

"Why not."

"The whole reason you shouldn't see Jongin is so you don't know why you're not seeing him," Minhyuk stated matter-of-factly. All I could do was stare at him in absolute disgust.

"Please. I did not come here to talk to you, I came here for Jongin."

Minhyuk shook his head at me and laughed, "You're so alike. You and Jongin."

I didn't respond. I did not even want to look at Minhyuk. I was upset and I felt belittled. I felt like I was a little girl and I hated feeling as if I were inferior to someone else. However, I had no choice.

Minhyuk eventually had to succumb.

"No looking back after this, you'll regret it for as long as you live."