I got a full night's rest but it sure did not seem like it.

My eyes were closed the whole night, my body was sleeping but my mind was wandering off. Whatever happened to Kai was part of his past and whatever is in the past is meant to stay in the past but I was afraid.

"What's wrong?"

I looked up to see Kai staring at me. He was holding some flowers and I didn't know why. Was this a sorry gift for the secrets he held from me?

He noticed me staring at the flowers.

"Here," he held them out. When I didn't take them, he raised his eyebrows. "I know you have really bad allergies but just take them, I picked them out yesterday at some field Auntie and I went to." He reached for my hand and placed the plucked flowers in my grasp.

I couldn't help but smile. Well, "smile". My lips upturned and for a mere milisecond I forgot why I was worried. And then I stared at Kai's face and remembered those stupid words in that stupid book of my brother's.

The smile seemed to relieve Jongin. I was pretty good at faking smiles by now.

I was afraid that everything Kai ever told me was a lie. That our sad, barely even there long distance relationship was a lie. What if he had a child back in Seoul and he was using me just to play with every summer so he wouldn't get bored in this lethargic town?

Everything I ever thought was perfect seemed so twisted.

I didn't understand.

I had so many questions starting from 'why didn't he tell me' to 'should I say something about it'?

I stared at myself in the reflection of Kai's clear eyes. I would have random surges of confidence telling me that I had no reason to be insecure. And then I would tell myself that of course I had to be insecure. I was just some small town girl that Kai met up with for two months.

"No, really though, what's wrong?" he was frowning.

"Hm?"

"Well, I just gave you like ten different restaurant choices for tonight and you keep staring at the flowers. Are they possessed or something?"

I didn't respond. I was sincerely trying with all of my might to get something out of my hoarse throat but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't even in the mood to lie and tell him that I was feeling fine.

He would know himself that it was utter and complete bull .

"You know what, forget the damn flowers."

Kai took them from my hand again and threw them on the floor, "Can you smile now?"

"Hey," I started. I bit my lip.

"She talks," he exclaimed sarcastically. Kai shot me a cheeky grin.

I smiled.

"How many girls have you been with?"

Kai stared at me, perplexed, but answered my question nonetheless. "I've got to be completely honest with you I've been with a lot of girls but I didn't care about a good two-thirds of 'em."

I stared at him, urging him to continue silently. I could tell that he wasn't planning on saying anything else, but my look must have pressured him to go on.

"I guess there were two that I kind of liked. One was my first girlfriend but she moved and the second..." he chuckled, "She was somethin' else." He stared at the sky and let out a little grunt.

Jongin snapped out of it in a couple of seconds and smiled back at me.

"Why, pretty?"

you, Jongin.

He couldn't do that to me. He couldn't just mention this special girl and pretend as if it was nothing. 

"I was just wondering," I bit my lip again. I could feel my canines tearing at the delicate skin, the taste of iron filling my mouth.

"What's up though?" he asked. When I stayed quiet, he shook his head at me, "You can't just ask me a question like that and not tell me why you're curious."

I laughed, shuddering a little when I heard my voice crack, "What? I can't just be curious?"

Kai paused, his eyebrows furrowed, staring at me, "I guess you could."

I nodded slightly and stared at the floor where the picked flowers lay. I wanted to pick them up but to me, they looked happier on the floor against the brown earth. That's where they came from anyway.

I felt word vomit threatening to explode from my mouth.

I wanted to scream and shout and ask him why he was keeping secrets from me and who I was to him.

But then again, it's not like my screaming would do anything.  I couldn't just erase the fact that he may have a baby with some girl I have never heard of. My face contorted even at the thought of a little Kai running around, the baby's other half looking... not like me.

"Do you know something that you're not supposed to know?" he murmured.

I lifted my head to see him staring at me intensely.

"Whaddya mean?" I asked slowly.

When he didn't reply, I felt like I could slowly nudge him into telling me what was going on.

"How far did you go with that other girl?"

"Which other girl?" Jongin blinked. He tried to play it cool but I could see his eyebrows starting to furrow.

"The one -"

"Only kisses, Hana."

Only kisses?

I nodded, although I didn't understand.

Someone was lying to me.

Whether it was the journal of a dead man or a live one- I wondered if I would ever figure out.

"You're jealous, huh? That's what's going on, right?" Jongin pressed. He spoke as if he was trying to convince himself also.

I laughed, "Yeah."

Jongin wrapped his arm over my shoulder and chuckled with relief, "You don't need to be jealous."

I looked up at Jongin who stared into my eyes. I still could not get myself to smile.

He kissed me on the forehead.

It was like brainwashing.

The whole thing had to be a huge misunderstanding.

"You know what?" I told Jongin.

"Hm," he replied.

"I found my brother's journal yesterday- or my mom did and she gave it to me to read." I looked up at him to see him nodding cautiously. Jongin seemed afraid that I would burst into tears. 

"I'm okay, Jongin," I made sure I stated before I continued, "I'm a big girl." I shot him a wink.

"I know," he smiled, "but still. It's hard to never cry."

I let that thought rest with me. I wondered what Jongin held in his tears about. Who he held in his tears for and who kept him wanting to stay strong.

I hope it's me.

"But anyways," Jongin interrupted my thoughts, "Did you read the journal?"

"Yeah," I replied shamefully, "I know it's his privacy but-"

"No, I would've done the same. I would have died of curiousity if I didn't read my dead brother's journal."

I loosened up a little, knowing that he understood, "Thank God. But apparently he met this girl he really liked and it's disappointing because I never even heard my brother talk about a girl. I thought we were close. I'm just so curious, I want to know who she is. The person that wrote the journal doesn't seem like my Youngwoon, but I know it's him at the same time. It's weird, how people change when they're writing to themselves or who they're with."

Jongin stayed quiet.

"It seemed like she meant a lot to him so I don't understand why he didn't tell me about her."

"Maybe," he started, "Your brother wanted this girl all to himself. Being in love with someone makes you really selfish and he probably liked the fact that she was his little secret. Only his."

Jongin turned to look at me, "Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "How did you know that?"

"Well," he exhaled, "Maybe you're my little secret."

I gave him a little fake smile.

Or maybe you're just keeping secrets from me.

When I got home, Baekhyun was sitting on the living room couch reading a book. I had gotten so accustomed to seeing Baek whenever I walked into my house.

The day with Jongin had been painful. I successfully put on a facade for him and pretended as if I wasn't extremely uptight but thorughout the whole date, I was wondering how long this might go on for.

What if when I finally do ask Jongin about what I read in the journal, he just lies to me? What if I never get the full truth and he forever lives a double life and I die thinking I'm his only girl when he has another set of family members when my door is closed?

Baekhyun smiled at me.

"Hi, Hana," he set his book down.

"Where's my mom?" I asked, not hearing anyone else in the house.

"Groceries."

"Oh," I nodded. Baekhyun watched as I took a seat on the ottoman next to him.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked, taking the opportunity of my mother being away.

"Sure, what's up?" he responded. Sometimes Baekhyun was annoying but then I would realize that he indeed was my best friend. And sometimes I thought I had some sort of a disorder because I found everyone in my life annoying and barely tolerable no matter how much I loved them.

Except for Jongin.

Maybe that's what relationships are? Just finding someone you can live your whole life without wanting to kill.

"You were pretty close to Youngwoon, right?"

"Yeah, I was," Baekhyun stirred with uneasiness. He started to fidget with his clammy hands. The thing about happy people was that they rarely knew how to deal with the opposite- depression, dread, apprehension.

"I'm fine, Baek," I said. I let out a sigh. I felt as if I had to reassure everyone that I was fine just so they wouldn't act differently around me. Whether it was true or not, all that matters is if the population buys my lies.

I was done hearing "poor Hana" whenever I turned the corner.

He nodded, "Of course."

"Yeah, but... My mom found his journal in the boat and she told me she wanted me to read it. And when I did, I think I read things that I was not supposed to read."

I bit my lip.

I stared at Baekhyun, trying to read his emotions. He drummed his fingers against the sofa and looked down at his lap, eyebrows furrowed. "And?"

"Does everyone know something that I don't know?" My voice came out cracked and weak although I intended on sounding brave.

He stopped his drumming. "You're talking about Jongin, I know it. And I really don't want to hear it. The guy is not who you think he is and if I am right about what I think you read in that journal, it should be enough for you to realize why everyone wants you away from him."

Baekhyun seemed angry. He didn't get angry often.

We both sat in silence, waiting for the other to say something.

"You know," he started up again like I knew he would, "I realize that what's in the past is in the past and all but most people never change."

"Baekhyun," I said with a low voice. I felt my heartbeat accelerating and my sweat forming on my palms. I didn't know if I was angry or just really upset but whatever I was feeling, I did not like it.

"Why didn't anyone tell me that he got a girl pregnant?"

That seemed to do it. Baekhyun seemed to snap out of it and stared up at me, his hands still laying uncomfortable on the couch.

"Because that is something that he should tell you. And unlike Jongin, some people care about you enough that we don't want you getting hurt."

At this point, I was already done over-analyzing everything. From what I knew, I was Jongin's girlfriend. Didn't I have the right to know about a potential baby? I was sure that the next time I saw Jongin I would milk the absolute truth out of him.

Even if it hurt I would be able to deal with it.

Besides, I was practically immune to all the torpedoes life threw at me and I was sure that I didn't want to live my life questioning every single action that Jongin did and word that came out of his mouth.

It sickened me.

Jongin lied.

1000 subscribers?!
W H A T
i omg
i can't
you all are just so amazing. it's still unbelievable to me that there are 1000 real people on the internet reading what i type.
it's crazy, but i hope you all really enjoy my writing.
it's currently 12 am here in california and it was so weird because after having writer's block for a couple of months, I was laying in bed trying to sleep and BAM i just wanted to write so i grabbed my laptop and ^chapter happened.
true writing develops when you get that urge to write, you know? not when you're just sitting down trying to squeeze something out that isn't there.
and guys there was a poetry competition at my school but everyone was forced to participate for a grade so i was like yay poetry something i can do and i wrote my freaking heart out and my goddamn teacher said she didn't like it cause it wasn't concrete and i was thinking:
isn't that the art of writing? the beauty of a story or poem is it's ability to translate differently to everyone, like a piece of art that gets interepreted differently by everyone? and that woman said it was too vague and she didn't understand it. just cause you don't understand it doesn't mean that other people won't either.
but she's the one with the degree i guess!

nine days still summer break
which means
i'm wrapping up the story probably by june or july.
till then

thanks for everything and patiently waiting!
i hope my writing skills weren't too rusty after not writing for a while
i would love to read your comments!
xx hannah