I found myself standing in front of Kris' house the next day, gripping the hem of my blouse and glancing around as I waited for the door to open.

It was 5 in the afternoon and my first classes at Seoul University had commenced in the morning. I found that there wasn't much difference between the schooling in Seoul and Busan - other than the larger scale and more impressive technology.

In the classes full of upper classmen, the students' body language from the way they rolled their eyes and passed notes reflected their yearning to quickly get out of school for good.

As for me, I barely sat through class, bouncing my legs restlessly and drumming my fingers against the white desks. I listened to professors listlessly babbling on about the syllabus with only half of my attention inside the classroom whereas the other seventy freshmen listened intently as if their lives depended on it. I was the only student exempt from what they called the "freshman condition".

Basically, all I could think about was Jongin and Kris and Busan. The abrupt change of pace and environment along with lack of sleep all contributed to my dazed state as I walked through the flower-lined pavements.

Somehow, after a day of not paying attention in class nor to my peers attempting to make conversation with me, I arrived at the conclusion that it would be alright to ditch my large amount of first-day paperwork and coursework to have another go at Jongin's.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of Kris' house, bearing gifts of iced coffee and a sad attempt at a friendly smile. The night before was all a blur but I did remember the bitter taste of disappointment and also the fact that Kris seemed to  know more about Kai than I knew about Jongin. 

I turned around and plastered the smile back on my face, "Hey." I raised the iced coffee and Kris' eyes diverted from mine to the drinks. "I brought gifts."

Kris stared at me with a dumb smile on his face, "Kai-girl. I never thought I'd see you again."

"Yeah, Kai-girl's back," I chuckled.

"Well, you have a name, I'm sure, you just haven't told me yet," Kris laughed, supporting his weight on one foot, crossing his arms and drumming his fingers on his biceps.

"Oh," I exclaimed. During the mere one time I saw Kris I was so disheveled and jittery that I had forgotten to say my name and here I was showing up at his house as Kai-girl. "Sorry. I was kind of out of it. Well, I still am. I'm Hana."

"Hana," Kris smiled, "Well, I'm sure you didn't come here to deliver free coffee."

"Not exactly," I bit my lip. Kris opened the door wider and motioned for me to come in. He took one of the iced coffees from my hand.

"And thanks for this," he nodded.

I smiled back and after taking my shoes off, I found myself face to face with the home of a rich, young Seoul bachelor. I didn't know anything about where Kris stood financially but judging by his eloquent words and poise, even a stranger could pick him out from a group of commoners. I walked into a large white living room with a ceiling-to-floor window installment displaying a backdrop of Seoul's skyline.

Kris' house didn't have much furniture but he kept what he had expensive, simple and monochrome. It oozed class.

"Kai's house has the same floor plan as mine," Kris explained, tucking one hand into his pocket as he watched me look around the living room, "So I reckon this is what his house looks like too. Just with different furiture."

"If you were wondering," he added.

I nodded and watched Kris sit on his sofa before I followed suit. I tried my hardest to stop goggling at the impressive interior and ended up staring at my feet.

One universal truth that I always allowed myself to forget so easily was the fact that Jongin was from Seoul and was one of "those".

Kris was sipping on his coffee, his attire being a pair of dark jeans and a loose black shirt to mirror the black and white furniture of the apartment.

Jongin was Kris and Kris was Jongin.

I was a commoner.

Who was I kidding? Who did I think I was trying to track down Jongin.

The upmost reason why I always despised the fact that Jongin and I were from two different classes was that whenever I did remember, I would start doubting myself, doubting him, doubting us. 

"So why are you here?" Kris asked blatantly with a small chuckle.

"Well. First of all, I'm sorry to barge," I started. Kris shook his head and waited for me to continue.

"Yesterday you seemed to know a bit about Jongin," I started slowly. Kris blinked at me, chewing on his straw. "Would you know where he is by any chance? His aunt gave me the only address she has of his which is," I pointed towrads the wall that separated Kris' house from Jongin's, "And you said that the probably wouldn't be home... Which he wasn't-"

Kris cut me off, "Well, if you're wondering if I have a Kai tracker, I don't," he leaned across me to place the coffee on his dark marble table and clasped his hands together, "Kai moved in about two years ago but he also still legally lived with his parents and also on his college campus."

I nodded but couldn't help but feel crestfallen. At first I was willing to do anything to see Jongin again but with every second that i was in Seoul, it was as if the more doubtful and skeptical I was becoming.

Before I left, Baekhyun told me one thing that stuck with me.

'If Jongin wanted to keep in touch with you, he would have.'

"We were close," Kris continued, pausing to study my face. He probably thought I was emotionally unstable and was psychotically chasing after an old boyfriend.

"And then I had to go to Canada for some business about six months ago ago. When I came back, Kai was in the house," Kris pointed to the dividing wall, "But I saw less of him. He was always very busy with work stuff and it got worse after he left college."

All I could do was nod. The iced coffee was growing ridiculously cold under my fingertips and the water droplets that had formed on the outside of the plastic cup were dripping onto my thigh.

But I didn't do anything about it because I liked the numb feeling of pins and needles and chills.

I wasn't skeptical because I didn't love Jongin, it was just tiresome and formidable trying to love someone who I could barely remember. Our relationship was like a dream. I remembered the very bad and very good parts but never the little things that acted as glue and held together the cracks of what we had.

When I woke up, all I remembered was parts of the dream that I could piece together and the warm feeling in my heart telling me that it was indeed a beautiful, sweet dream.

On days when everything was quiet  and still except for the cool rain pattering against the sidewalk and the occasional roar of thunder, I would sit on my bed and hug my knees close to my chest and rock back and forth on my creaking bed, trying to remember how sensational and stirring his touch was; How saccharine and lucious his words of honey were; How pernicious and unrelenting his curses could be.

I felt like I was so close to Jongin but so far away at the same time. I discovered that after a long time, most people give up chasing after what they want and settle for what they is fed to them.

But in the bottom of my heart I knew that if Jongin ever called me or told me about his whereabouts, I would go running to wherever he was. If he just told me that he wanted to see me and that he missed me and was thinking about me, I wouldn't hesitate and I would go to the ends of the earth to see his gorgeous face.

I was so desperate to relive the summers under the white moon and yellow sun and the shy and not so shy kisses and the unique affinity we shared. I wanted it all back and i wanted him back.

However, I realized thorugh my own mistakes that the only way to survive was either to be a happy, naïve fool or a realist. I chose my road as a realist.

Sitting here in Kris' air conditoned house with marble floors and a couch made of leather imported from Italy and a kitchen decked out in shiny silver stainless steel gadgets and the Seoul backdrop reminded me how much where we live changes us.

What would it have been like if Jongin was from Busan and I was from Seoul?

You can't expect to erect a dwelling in an area and change the envrionment to fit your needs without it changing you right back.

"Hana," Kris called.

I looked up from my toes to see Kris peering into my eyes and I nearly cried in frustration. I was desperate to look into someone else's eyes and feel as if they were made especially for me to stare into. I had never felt it with Baek, nor now with Kris. Only Jongin.

Forever, only Jongin. 

"Why do you care about Kai so much?"

I sighed and shook my head but a small smile lingered on the corners of my lips and a pang of nostalgia through my heart.

"He was everything to me."

Kris nodded, "I want to hear. But maybe next time because I'm needed somewhere. But I want you to find Kai. Jongin. Whoever."

"You do?" I wasn't sure if I was to be excited or burdened but as of now, I was mostly confused.

"Not for you," Kris laughed, "I owe it to the guy."

When he noticed that I was totally silent and appalled that Kris had decided on helping me so easily, he added, "Don't think I'm doing it for you, hun. I have my own reasons. Reasons you'll probably never know."

When I left Kris' house, the sloppily handwritted list of potential addresses that Jongin could be was burning in my pocket. Kris and I ended up talking about Jongin for a while before Kris had to leave and I couldn't help but think that we were talking about two totally different people.

The Kai that Kris befriended was haughty and conceited. He was relentless and arrogant.

On the outside.

Kris said that he showed his vulnerable side sometimes and that was the side that Kris befriended.

The Jongin that I knew was simple-minded and dewy-eyed. He was immature and practically the posterchild for advocates against any kind of authority. He was confident.

But he was never haughty, nor conceited.

And on the inside, he had a heart made of gold with the strength of steel.

Had he changed after Busan or was he never himself when he was with either me or Kris?

I stared out the window of my apartment, listening to the distant sounds of cars honking and people conversing. The list of addresses and names of strangers I had never heard of before was haunting me.

All I could do was wait until morning and pray that Jongin wanted me to find him as much as I wanted to.