Title :  Passion of Crime
Author : zeloforevaa
Chapters : 5 [On-Going]
Reveiwer : OnceUponATaem

Title ∞ 4/5
I don’t hate the title, but it’s nothing completely appealing either. I feel like for this mystery/crime genre you have going on, you could easily find amazing titles, whether it be some professional criminal terminology or something else that may have to do with your plot that is mysterious and attractive so that a reader who is skimming through a tag might be intrigued to click on your fic because your title makes them curious as to what the plot could be about. Always remember that the title is the first impression of your story, and it with the hundreds of thousands of fics on this site, it’s hard to be unique so you really have to put a lot of thought into your titles. If you need ideas, you can easily Google mystery story title ideas or listen to darker songs and maybe use a lyric as a title. Make sure it’s not too long though!

I gave you marks for this title because at least the reader gets a good idea of what this story is about through the title. If you can’t find anything else or if you don’t want to change your title, I don’t think it’ll be too bad because your title is okay. But I still strongly suggest looking at some different options!

Foreword ∞ 3/5
Your description is really good. But that’s pretty much the only thing I liked. It was straight to the point and apart from a few grammar mistakes it was good. I don’t think you should be using colours, your author’s note should be somewhere near the bottom of the page because it kind of cuts of the flow of the foreword. I also think you shouldn’t add character descriptions because it’s a bit funner for the reader to kind of discover the characters throughout the story instead of simply knowing everything about them from the beginning. As I said before, your title attracts the reader but the foreword is just as important because that is what makes the reader want to stick around and continue reading. You should give away just enough information so that the reader knows who the main characters will be, what the genre will be and what might be happening in the fic without completely giving everything away. You want to keep them guessing so that they actually continue reading.

Aesthetics (Poster, Background, Format, Font, etc.) ∞ 3/5
I really adore the poster! Earlier I suggested getting rid of character descriptions but you can easily get a character chart from a reputable graphics shop in which you can show who will be in your story with titles describing them without giving too much away. You could also get a background, but you it’s not necessary. I have one comment about the poster though because it’s very soft and fluffy looking and the story seems to deal with crime and darker stuff so I’m not sure if the poster completely reflects the essence of the fic. But don’t worry about that too much because from what I read of what you’ve posted, the story does have a lighter side, and the pictures the artist chose to use for the poster are kind of vulnerable, which do help project your genre a bit.

The font is nice (once again, try not to use different colours), and the format is not bad. I’m not a huge fan of switching between POVs in one chapter but you’re not abusing it or anything so I don’t mind it too much. Other than that there is nothing super aesthetically pleasing about the chapters. There’s a lot of room for cleaning it up, refining it, and making it a bit more clean cut. You can play with the justification and the other fonts and maybe come up with a style that suits your story best. But other than that, if you clear the clutter on your foreword, your story isn’t visually bad.

Writing Style ∞ 7/10
Your writing was okay in general. You definitely need to improve on your grammar. Also, avoid using informal language like “Kyaaa” and “Nononono”. I kind of though it was a bit of a turn off, haha. In terms of writing style, I couldn’t give full marks because I felt the style wasn’t very fresh. I’ve read fics like this, and since you’re writing a crime/mystery genre, you really need to work on vocabulary and putting emotion in your writing or else you won’t get across the feelings you want to. My favourite chapter had to be the one where you talk about one of the agents dying because there was actually some emotional vocabulary there, so kudos for that.

Since the plot seems more mysterious, I feel like first person is effective in conveying some sort of immediacy and suspense, so stick to that. Avoid talking to the reader when you’re writing, like “You might be wondering” and stuff. It’s a bit awkward, and it kind of ruins the mood you’ve got going. There was a good balance between dialogue and thoughts, but you should add some more description. I suggest adding more details in terms of the setting and the little things that make the story more vivid.

Plot ∞ 10/20
This part was hard to judge because you only have five chapters that just serve as a sort of preface. I can kind of tell what the problem will be and that’s not really a good thing because you do want to keep your reader guessing. You don’t want to be predictable. Anyways, I’m guessing this story will be about the girl trying to prove she’s a good agent despite her age, and she’ll be trying to chase the criminal down and maybe they’ll fall in love, I don’t know.

To be honest, that plot is still good if you add surprises and twists that are unexpected and intense. However, the idea of an agent falling for the criminal is sort of overplayed and it’s hard to comment on whether the rest of the fic will be unique or not due to the lack of chapters. I gave it a ten, just because I’m making a projection of what the story’s plot could be like, and right now it could go either way from being really good or really cliché, so I left it at a fifty/fifty standpoint. I think that if you want a clearer idea of how good your plot is, you should update a bit more before asking for another review.

Characterization ∞ 8/15
Again, the story is too early on its life for me to really judge this. I think I kind of got a handle of the characters through the descriptions and they do seem a bit cliché. I think the biggest reason I deducted points was because of the ages you’ve set for your characters. I find that they are very unrealistic. I think even mid-twenties would be pushing it, but you should seriously consider maybe editing that part of your story just a bit.

Other than that, add some details to your characters that make them quirky, habits that make them a bit weird but relatable. Your characters don’t have to be perfect because they are human. You can add descriptions of their physical appearance and talk about them from other people’s perspectives (putting your multiple POVs to use!). I was going to say that you should really describe the non-idol characters because they will be new to people because (I hope) you will be taking those character descriptions out. But if you take my advice and get a character chart, you won’t have to focus too much about describing her physical appearance.

I also took off some points because I found that Taemin and the main character girl were a bit stereotypical of what I’ve read in previous fanfictions that include Taemin and OCs, and it would be really nice to read a fresher twist on their personalities. So you can definitely work on building on their characters.

One thing I’d like to warn you about is your female lead and her “complicated past”. Make sure you stay away from clichés when you write about her past. Try something different, something new, don’t make it like every other sad backstory. If you work hard enough, you can come up with great ideas and details that can really bring your characters to life. This story has so much potential. I hope you use it well!

Story Flow ∞ 4/5
The flow is good! I only took off a point because the chapters are too short and that makes it a bit abrupt in terms of reading. For mystery stories, it’s good to have short chapters because it creates suspense and it establishes immediacy, but you should definitely make them just a bit longer. But don’t start writing super long chapters especially if there will be suspense later on in the fic because it will really help keep your readers on edge and wanting more. The story is not flowing too slow, nor too fast, so good job with that!

Mechanics (Grammar, Vocabulary, Spelling, Punctuation, etc.) ∞ 9/15
Your spelling is okay. There are quite a few mistakes and I’m not sure if they are typos or something else, but I’ll just point out a few from the foreword and the prologue.

What if certain memories from the past starts coming back? Will a love story blossom or more hatred than ever?
Should be: What if certain memories from the past start coming back? Will a love story blossom or will there be more hatred than ever?

I'm not telling you, not because I don't want to but because I can't remember.
Should be: I’m not telling you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t remember.

Hahaha...you are all thinking very badly of me aren't you?
Should be: Sometimes I laugh because I know how badly everyone thinks of me.

There, I said it, I did not kill anyone and now I will show them I am innocent of this crime.
Should be: There, I said it! I did not kill anyone and now I will show them that I am innocent of this crime.

I can finally be a detective in the FBI, well a part time detective.
Should be: I can finally become a detective in the FBI. Well, a part-time detective at least.

You might think that an immature, childish 18 year old will just cause more problems in your department, trust me, you need me to help you solve cases.
Should be: People often think that an immature, childish, eighteen year-old like me will just cause more problems for this department. If only people understood how much the FBI needed me to help them solve these cases.

Last year, I helped them catch one of the most vicious killer in Seoul, Kwon Jiyoung.
Should be: Last year, I helped them catch one of the most vicious killer in Seoul: Kwon Jiyoung.

Right now, I'll catch that one guy who I despise the most and put him behind bars, his name is Jung Daehyun.
Should be: Right now, I’ll catch that one guy who I despise the most and put him behind bars. His name is Jung Daehyun.

I kind of gave you some variations and other ideas on how to write some of your sentences too. I won’t point them all out but I seriously suggest you reread your chapters before you post. Despite there being quite a few mistakes, they don’t really harm the flow of your story that much. Aside from words written incorrectly, there are grammar and punctuation errors too that sort of make sentences choppy and awkward at times. I think the easiest resolve is that you get a beta or a friend to read over your work once to get ride of any small mistakes. Your chapters are short so I don’t think any friend would mind helping you out. I also took off points because your vocabulary is very standard and plain. Remember that the thesaurus is your best friend when it comes to writing and that you should always try to find more colourful words that illustrate the story better.

Another reminder not to use informal words, and to remain professional when you write!

Originality/Creativity ∞ 6/10
Again, the originality of this fic would depend on where you take it in the future, so I was going to leave it at a fifty/fifty standpoint once more because it could either be really great or cliché. I hope though that you do give it a more interesting twist and it turns out to be a creative story. I added a bonus point here because I feel like there is quite a lot of potential for your characters and your idea, and I think the character combinations you have going on are quite unique. I was also quite curious about who killed Agent Sunhwa, so you’re obviously on the right track in terms of keeping your readers guessing. Again, I suggest writing more before getting another review for this story so you can get a better response for your plot and originality!

Enjoyment ∞ 6/10
I think the enjoyment of the reader is probably the most important part of the story and this fic has potential to be something that people will enjoy depending on how you mould it. I like the mystery aspect and the idea of it being kind of light despite the genre. I did find it kind of cliché and the chapters were a bit short, but I think if you tinker with your characters and their personalities a bit and if you work on adding surprises in your plot, and visually giving your fic a face-lift, you’ll have a great story here. I think the impending mystery and action did add some suspense which made it enjoyable.

Total ∞ 60/100