Fallen

To pull back into herself, she didn’t realize that it could be so easy. All it took was to care less and not take things to heart. She didn’t even have to push people away; they did that by themselves almost unconsciously. And when she finally had time to herself, she felt as though she could finally breathe again. The weight pushing down on her shoulders almost felt light. Well, it was light. Light compared to the problems holding her heart down. The way her eyes seemed to fill with transparent tears, it scared her. When she saw other girls cry, she almost felt jealous. Their frustrations seemed to end by the time the last tear fell. Yet her tears never came. The weight in her heart pulled her down so far that she felt almost empty. It wasn’t that she tried to not care, the feelings just never came. Almost as though the earlier pain numbed her, freezing her heart until she didn’t think even the sun could melt it.

Sitting alone in the auditorium, she finally found that silence she needed to think. What had caused these feelings? The freezing had happened so gradually that she didn’t even realize it until it was too late. Because now, she didn’t even know if she wanted the ice around her to melt. She knew that when it did, it would leave her bruised and scarred. And she didn’t want that. She was scared to feel that pain again. Compared to the pain she knew she would feel, she preferred this emptiness. These transparent tears filling her eyes now, they’d be the last remnant of her lost feelings.

Pulling her legs up onto the seat, she wrapped her arms around her knees and rested her forehead against her thighs. There were things she should be doing, people she should be meeting, yet she couldn’t bring herself to get out of the seat. She had pulled so far into herself that she didn’t know how get herself out. And she didn’t know if she wanted to. Despite the loneliness, she felt safe by herself. No one could hurt her since they kept themselves at an arm’s length anyways.

She let her mind clear for another moment as she concentrated on her breathing. Her eyes wandered around the empty auditorium once again. Just hours before, these seats had been filled with people, she being one of them. Even with so many people surrounding her, she couldn’t help but feel alone. A bitter smile spread across her lips before the emotion drained once again. It was the road that she chose; now it was up to her to bear the consequences.

Standing up, she grabbed her bag before walking towards the exit. She wasn’t thinking while she watched herself put one foot in front of the other, slowly making way to the top of the auditorium. It was on her fifth step that she saw her feet stop. Another pair of shoes filled the space where her foot was supposed to go. She waited for a moment, hoping that the pair of shoes would walk around her, leaving her in peace. But as the clocked ticked on in the corner, the pair of shoes never left. Her eyes slowly trailed up from her feet onto the body in front of her. And when her eyes finally registered the face in front of her, she could only blink. She knows that she should feel something when looking at that face since she had felt so many things in the past. But looking at him now, she felt that emptiness again. It no longer hurt seeing him, not the way it did in the past. She didn’t feel the anger or the need to run away. She didn’t feel. She didn’t feel anything at all.

His gaze was firm, staring straight at her. She remembered that there was a time when she yearned for this gaze. There was a time when she would blush and shyly look away when he stared at her like that. But that time has passed like a flame being blown out. It was only a matter of time before even the remaining smoke fades away. Standing in front of him now, she realized that her heart no longer felt anything. She could remember a time when her heart would begin to beat erratically whenever he was around and her cheeks would be a constant pink color. Yet that time felt so far away now.

During those moments, his eyes never wavered from hers. That was one of the things that she had admired about him: his determination. Once he set his mind to it, he would complete it one way or another. That quest would be the only thing he would focus on, no matter whether it was a person or a task. And that determination was a shared trait between them. It was what had brought them together, kept them together and broke them apart.  They were too similar in ways yet too different at the same time. His eyes looked forward, always striving for that bright future that would be within reach as long as he worked for it. He was strong and compassionate, the natural born leader. People would gravitate towards him unconsciously and his charming ways would make them stay. His smile would ease even the steel heart and his gentle demeanor could keep any nervousness at bay. His voice was warm and strong, commanding attention when he wanted to be heard.

His eyes seemed to search hers, trying to find something within her eyes. His attention was solely on her, that much she could tell. Part of her knew that she should say something to break this silence between them but she had no words to say to the man in front of her. Everything that needed to be said had been said, and the things never expressed will continue to be buried inside of her. There was time for those words to be spoken, but that time had passed.

Standing there with him, it almost felt like they were back to how they were. It was almost as if nothing had ever happened. But she knew that it wasn’t. They couldn’t go back to how they were. As if he were thinking the same thing, his mouth turned into a frown and his right hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. A sigh came out before his hand dropped down and his eyes were back on her. “Where have you been? Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you?” There was frustration this time, but whether it was directed towards her or himself, she couldn’t tell. His voice came out softer than she expected, almost as though he didn’t want to scare her away. She could remember a time when her heart would skip a beat when those same words were spoken. A bashful smile would form on her lips and his arms would wrap around her, holding her close. And as if to prove the point that they were no longer the same people of the past, she saw him bring his hand up to reach out to her before deciding against it, letting his arm fall limply back to his side. His eyebrows furrowed as his gaze on her softened. “What happened to us?”

It came out barely above a whisper but she heard him as clearly as she would if he screamed the words at her. Her hand squeezed the strap of her bag as she too asked herself what had gone wrong. When had everything begun to fall apart? She had decided to retreat within herself when everything around her fell apart. She ran and pulled away as if not reaching out could shield her. Looking up, she saw the pain flicker in his eyes and she could only look away, willing herself to not care. Everything happens for a reason. And it was precisely that reason that she didn’t want to remember. The man standing in front of her at one point had been her life as she was his. Yet now they stand here unable to even hold a conversation. “Life. Life happened.”

He seemed taken aback. She heard him release a shaky breath as his whole body seemed to flinch. Whether it was because of what she said or how emotionless she was able to say it, she couldn’t tell. Her mind was telling her to walk away from him, that nothing good would come out of it even if she continued to stand here, but she couldn’t bring herself to take a step. If she were being completely honest with herself, she would admit that somewhere deep down inside of herself, she was hoping that they could return to how they were in the past. To return to how things were before life happened. She wanted to go back to the times when he would hold her in his arms and she would believe that everything would be okay since he would be there to lead her through it. But she didn’t know how to reach out to him any longer. And even if she did, she didn’t know whether he would be willing to hold her any longer. Things had changed since they were together, and they along with them.

Wind blew from within her, shaking her ice-covered heart. She was reminded of the weight holding her heart down and the emptiness that went along with it. The hand holding her bag’s strap clenched into fists and she could feel her fingernails clawing crescents into her skin. Deep breaths, her mind chanted, clear your mind and empty your heart. Slowly with each exhalation, her clenched fist would come undone until the mask of indifference was secured on her face once again. “If there’s nothing else, then I’m going to go.”

But even before she could take a step, he whispered her name, stopping her in her steps almost immediately. The hesitance in his voice became a thread that strung itself tightly around her body trapping her in his web, vulnerable under his control.  She could tell that he didn’t know the extent of his effect on her and for that, she was grateful. Looking away from him, she waged a battle with herself trying to keep that barrier strong. She thought she had hid so far in herself that no one would be able to reach her. Yet all it took was him whispering her name before everything seemed to crumble down around her. His voice came like a magma rushing towards her, destroying each of the walls she arduously put up. She didn’t trust her voice at the moment and thus, silence filled the air between them.

She could feel his eyes on her again. Even before, she had felt uncomfortable when she would be sole of his focus. She never understood why he liked to look at her when there were so many other things he could place his attention on. And when she had asked him, he would only laugh and tell her that he just liked watching her. His hand would reach out to tuck a loose strand back into place and then laugh when a rose blush would stain her cheeks. She would turn her back on him, annoyed that he was laughing at her expense and gasp when she felt his arms wrap themselves around her letting his chin rest upon her shoulder. She would feel his quickened heart beat contradicting his confident words and her lips would curve into a small smile.

“Where have you been?”

She looked up at him when his voice pulled her back into the present. Confusion laced his eyes and worry seemed to be etched on his face. Her heart tugged as she realized that she was the stem of all these problems. However, she didn’t understand why it seemed to be that way. Yes, they had their moments that will forever live on as memories in their minds. But that’s all they’ll be: memories. It was hard for her to imagine that those memories still lived on as feelings today for him. They’ve been separated for some time now; enough time for any lingering feelings to fade. Yet as the clock ticked on, she couldn’t help to begin to doubt. He had always been one to hold onto things long pass the time to let go. She could remember how he had told her that he’ll never let go of anything he cares about. And he’ll hold on longer to the people he loves. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that she was still one of those people to him. She didn’t doubt that he once loved her because she knew that at one point in their lives, his heart had belong to her.

When she didn’t answer him, she thought his face would be filled with annoyance. But when she willed herself to look up at him, there was a small smile on his lips as he awaited her answer. She didn’t quite trust her voice to answer him but she knew that he wouldn’t give up until he gets a response from her. A small sigh escaped her lips knowing she would never win against him. She never did, even when they were together, when he had his mind set. “I never went anywhere.” Her voice came out so quietly she was even surprised herself. It came out sad, contradicting the mask of indifference she desperately clung onto. It wasn’t her who had left. Despite the fact she grew apart from everyone and everything, she never physically left. And maybe that was why the process was unnaturally easy for her to pull away. There was no hand to grab onto her to pull her back, no voice to stop her actions.

Those transparent tears welled up into her eyes again, pricking at her heart. She thought she had become immune to these feelings but the sudden surge of emotions almost made her recoil. His voice quivered as he whispered her name again. Her eyes fluttered up to his and she saw the pain flicker in them. A small flame seemed to ignite beneath the ice in her heart. He didn’t have the right to have that pain flickering in his eyes. It was him who left. It was him who ran away. He didn’t have the right to make her feel like she was the one at fault. His eyes widened a bit as he saw the anger rise in her eyes. When she saw his hand reach out, she slapped it away. But that instantaneous touch was all it took for what seemed like an electric current to pass through her. Her hand jerked back to her side almost immediately as she drew a shaky breath. He was staring at his hand, shocked by her action. The confusion returned to his eyes before the sorrow enveloped him.

She could see his struggle to find the words to say to her and those unseen tears stung her eyes again. Even though he was the most eloquent speaker she’s ever met, he never seemed to be able to express himself with her. When he could just pick words out of the air with other girls, he would struggle with each sentence to her. She would laugh at him, pretending she was angry until she would burst out laughing at his expression. Relief would flood his face and a bright smile would appear. She used to think that their silent understanding of each other would be enough. But standing here now, she felt as though they were separated by a great abyss where no matter how hard she tried to reach out, no bridge would ever gap the distance between them. She wanted him to reach out to her and tell her that everything will work out in the end and all of this pain running her life will go away. She wanted him to be able to speak to her without struggling to get his words across. She wanted words of comfort and loving embraces, not that pitying look in his eyes nor the hand that’s unable to reach out to her. She wanted time to turn back and everything to never have happened.

Those transparent tears materialized in her eyes and silent sobs shook her small frame. The reality she was running from, the pain and sorrow she was hoping to evade all caught up to her at that moment, knocking the air from her body. Her whole body shook as her vision began to blur as she tried to retain some kind of semblance upon the thoughts and emotions threatening to break the dam that held her sanity in place. But before she felt her last bit of control slip, she felt his arms warp around her, his warmth somewhat reinforcing the control she was able to exert upon her emotions. “She wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this.” Her pain was mirrored in the tone of his voice as she felt him tighten his hold on her, almost as if afraid she would disappear. She hid her face into his chest, muffling her cries as she felt his arms crushing her into him. She could feel his hand her hair to soothe her just like he used to. His left arm would always wrap around her shoulder keeping her close while his right hand would her hair in gentle motions. She had forgotten how safe it always felt being in his arms. She didn’t have to be strong. She didn’t have to rein in any emotions.

But as her tears fell, she didn’t feel the sense of relief that she thought would ease the pain. With each falling teardrop, she felt her emotions leaching out of her leaving her with an empty shell. Even his arms around her began to lose their warmth as she let the void fill her. She wanted to push him away as his warmth turned to ice freezing over her body but she just found her arms falling limply to her side. Feeling her body still, he pulled away from her slightly to look at her and she saw the worry fill his eyes. She could feel the tears still rolling down her face but the pain seemed to have numbed her heart yet again. His hands reached out to cup her face as his thumbs wiped her tears away. Her eyes stayed situated on the seats next to them as she tried to restrain all thoughts bubbling inside of her. She didn’t want to fall into that abyss yet again. It took so much for her to not let those emotions engulf her. She didn’t want to let that darkness consume yet again.

“Look at me,” his voice came. Her mind struggled to make sense of the rush of memories that passed through her. Her eyes closed as she tried to concentrate on keeping the emotions in check. Flashes of memories that she thought she had put away appeared before her closed eyes and she clenched her eyes closed, trying to shake those memories from existence. Yet she could hear his voice cutting through the fog, calling out her name. There was urgency in his voice, almost as though he were afraid of losing her. “Look at me, please. Open your eyes and look at me.”

Her eyes snapped open and she could feel herself gasping for air. Her vision seemed to whir around her until it settled again, allowing his face to become clear. She pulled away from his arms, only wanting to run away from everyone and everything. But his arms held her in place, his eyes telling her that he wouldn’t let her leave again. She steadied her breath, trying to let the ice freeze over the cracks and crevices formed from the last couple of minutes. Her eyes slipped closed as she willed her body to stop crying. Her mind seemed to whir as she felt everything get organized and compiled back into folders and her mind setting the lock back on those memories. Sniffles were the only reminder of her earlier outburst as she felt his warm hand on her face, his thumb gently wiping the tears away. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she saw his eyes taking in her form. The warmth in them held her gaze steady against his as he took her hands within his. His gaze dropped down to their entwined hands as he rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand. A small smile tugged at her lips as she recognized the action. He would always hold her hand like that whenever he was worried that she was mad at him. He would say that he could only hold on for as long as she would let him and so holding her hands was his way of alleviating his worries. His hands would gently hold and warm hers until he found the courage to look at her. She could never understand why he was worried at all. He was the one that had girls throwing themselves at him. He was the one that everyone loved and adored. To her, he was an eagle roaming freely in the sky. He was strong and majestic, braving the world with his courage and endurance. She could only hope that no matter how far he flew away, he would return to her. At these words, he would lift her chin up, softly telling her that to him, she was the wind. He could feel her around him as he traveled the world but he could never hold onto her, keep her at his side. Thus, to be able to hold her hand in his was a gift he didn’t want to give up. Holding her hand meant that she was still his, she was still there by his side.

A gentle squeeze on her hands brought her eyes back up to his. Worry flooded his eyes as he tried to seek out her thoughts through her eyes. She always wondered what he was able to see in her eyes. He had always said that his favorite feature of hers was her eyes. He said he could see through the ice mask she hid behind to see the gentlest eyes the world has ever seen. “I’m sorry.” Her eyes widened as her breath seemed to be caught. The despair in his eyes pulled at her, letting her know that he was hurting just as much as her. “I’m sorry that I was strong enough. When you needed me the most, I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t strong enough to protect her. I wasn’t strong enough to protect you. I-” His voice seemed to hitch and she felt tears stinging her eyes again. She never knew how much he was hurting. When he left, she thought he just pulled away because he didn’t care and wanted everything to wash away. “I wasn’t able to keep my promise to you. I was a coward who ran away because I couldn’t deal with my own feelings. It was my fault that we lost her. If I were just–”

“It’s not your fault.” Her words cut through the air leaving them both lost in their own thoughts. Her eyes dropped down to his large hands enveloping hers. The cocoon of warmth his hands brought enabled her to slowly make her way out of that abyss. “If I had just–”

“And it isn’t yours.” His tone held no room for questions. When she looked up him, she could tell that he honestly believed that. Her eyes snapped closed as she shook her head, unable to believe him. She couldn’t bring herself to believe him. If she had just been more careful, things wouldn’t have turned out this way. She could hear him calling her name but she refused to believe him. She didn’t want him to take away the only reason she had to hide. She needed this wall to hide behind from all the emotions. She needed this reason to allow herself to hurt like this. “Please, just open your eyes.” Her eyes snapped open as she felt a tear drop on her hands. She saw the tears falling from his eyes and her hand reaching up to wipe them away. “It’s no one’s fault.” His hand came up to take her hands from his face and back into his. “Our baby– she just wasn’t meant to be.”

The words she couldn’t bring herself to say, he had finally said them. She had thought that if she buried everything inside and pretend that nothing happened, she could forget. But reality proved to be different no matter how far she ran away. But memories still plagued her no matter how hard she tried. “My baby,” her hand came up to muffle the cries, “our baby’s gone.”

His arms wrapped themselves around her again, pulling her into him. She could feel her tears soaking his shirt but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. “The fact that she’s gone, it’s not your fault, so stop blaming yourself. She wouldn’t want to see you like this. And it really hurts me even more to see you like this.” He let her continue to cry in his arms until her sobs were reduced to sniffles. He pulled away enough to look at her before taking her hands into one of his hands as the other came up to wipe her tears yet again. “Do you know how much it hurts me every time I see you cry like this? I feel so helpless that I’m not able to protect you from that pain and those tears. If I could, I’d rather be the one to take all of that. I only want you to be happy and smiling.”

She stilled in his arms as her mind became overwhelmed by his words. He had always been able to surprise her with his eloquence and sincerity. With just a couple of words, he was able to scale the fortress she had put up. She couldn’t understand. He had left. The moment her world shattered, he had left allowing her to pull back into herself. To her, his leaving was acquiescence to their ending. But now he was back and her foolish heart was once again beating in that erratic pattern. She pulled her hands away from his as she looked away from his eyes. “Why? You left already.”

“Because I can’t let go. I thought that if I left, everything would end and all these feelings would fade. I thought that running away would be the best option for me. I wanted to run away from all the ‘what ifs’ that have been invading my mind. If I had taken care of you better, if I had done things differently, if we never met.” Her eyes snapped up to his as soon as she heard his words. His eyes bore into hers filled with a concoction of emotions that she couldn’t identify. Her mind was telling her to leave before he could finish what he was saying. Her wounded heart wouldn’t be able to take any more scars. Yet her body was unwilling to move from its spot, silently awaiting his answer. “But I realized that none of those things matter. If I were able to go back and redo everything, I would still choose the same things. I would still get to know you. I would still ask you out. I would still fall in love with you. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.” Before her mind could tell her otherwise, she found her arms wrapping around his waist, her face buried in the crook of his neck. His arms instantly went around her, hugging her close. “No matter how far I ran away, I would still have to return. Because I left my heart here with you. You had said I’m an eagle, and I said you were the wind. No matter how well an eagle can fly, it would still prefer to fly with the wind.”