Falling

“What? Am I supposed to be able to read your mind now too?”

She could only hope that she sounded stronger and more confident than how she actually felt. Her fingers tightened around each other in an attempt to calm herself down. His gaze unnerved her. It felt as though he saw through her pretense and straight into her soul. The quieter he was, the more nervous she became. While he was hyper and talkative with other people, he was silent and observant around her. She didn’t like that there was a difference. It gave her ideas that she didn’t think would actually be there. She knew that since her ideas were probably wrong, if she acted on them, she would be the only one hurt in the end. And she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to be the only one feeling, the only one wishing and the only one hurting.

When she saw him take a step closer, she took two steps back. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears and she found her hands feeling clammier than they should be in this mild weather. From where she stood, the sun was setting behind him causing her to only be able to see his silhouette. Despite standing right there with him in front of her, she felt like she was also watching herself from somewhere else. She saw his arm reach out to grab her hand and she saw herself take another step back.

“Why do you always pull away? Don’t you get tired of that?” His voice came out deeper that she expected. There was irritation in his voice. But there was also another emotion there. One that she almost didn’t want to admit. If he really did feel the way she thought he did, her heart would swell with hope.

“Then why do you keep reaching out?” The only way she knew how to protect and shield herself was to push her emotions behind the wall of confidence. She didn’t need anyone. She was fine on her own. Those were the words she kept repeating to herself, only hoping that one day they’d come true.

If she were being completely honest with herself, she was scared. Whether she was scared of him or herself, she wasn’t sure. No one had ever tried to get so close to her before. She was used to keeping people an arm’s length away from her. But before she had realized it, he had pushed down the wall she spent years building, leaving her completely defenseless. To have someone come and so easily crush her fortress, it was terrifying. All of her insecurities and vulnerabilities, he now had access to them. Of all the other people in this world, he would be the one that could hurt her the most.

And again, he was back to be silent, just quietly staring at her. Even though she wasn’t able to see his eyes on her, she could feel his gaze piercing through her. She was sure that she had never seen act like this towards any other girl. His gaze would always be soft and gentle with them. This unknown anger raged from inside of her causing her to stand her ground when he took another step towards her. She didn’t like the difference in treatment between other girls and herself. Even if she knew that the difference was probably in her favor, she didn’t care. The street lights slowly flickered on around them allowing the orange haze to illuminate his features. His expression softened as he stepped closer to her, not stopping until he was just a step away.

He hesitantly reached one hand out, lacing his fingers with hers as a gentle smile appeared on his face. Her breath was hitched when she felt his other hand on the small of her back slowly pulling her closer into his embrace. “If I don’t reach out, I’ll never be able to have you in my arms.” 

When she finally realized what was going on, she tried to push herself away from him. “Let go of me.” She could feel her heartbeat beating more erratically by the second and her face felt hot from the surge of warmth. She didn’t want to let herself read more into this hug than was actually there. She had seen him hold other girls like this before and she didn’t want to be just another girl to him. “Let go.”

Instead of letting go, he held on tighter with each one of her pushes, crushing her in his arms. She could only let out a gasp from the impact as well as the realization that his heart was racing just like hers. “Can’t you just stand still and let me hold you?” Her body stilled almost instantly. She heard him let out a sigh of relief as he adjusted her body in his arms, nudging her head so that it fit in the crook of his neck. His body seemed to have been molded to fit her. It just felt so right being there in his arms. She felt his head turn before hearing him whisper in her ear, “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hold you like this?”

Despite how right it felt, there was still this little voice in her head doubting that this was actually real. Images of him with other girls flashed through her eyes and she felt her arms fall limply to her side. “Do you treat every girl you meet like this?” Her eyes closed as if hoping that not being able to see would lessen the impact of his words. She was fully aware of the girls that flocked by his side. Compared to them, she wasn’t as pretty, she wasn’t as smart. She couldn’t make him laugh the way other girls do. Their conversations were always short despite the time they have spent together.

“Why do you always have to bring other people into our conversations?” He pulled away from her to take a look into her eyes but his hands held firmly onto hers to prevent her from leaving again. His gaze was assertive as though trying to assure her of this thing they had between them. “Can’t it just be about us?”

That same flicker of emotion passed through his eyes and she felt her heart tug again. But before he could say anything else, the shrill of his phone cut through the air between them. She saw his eyes drop down to his pocket before back into her eyes. That split second was all that was necessary for her mask of indifference to be reinstated. “You should pick that up. It might be important.”

He could only sigh running a hand through his hair before pulling out his phone. When he saw the face on his phone, his eyes flashed back up to hers but she refused to meet his gaze. He could only let out a frustrated breath before picking up. “Yeah?” She thought that he would let go of the hand still holding hers but he refused to let go. “I’m busy right now.” She didn’t know if it was just her imagination or not, but she felt his hand tighten around hers even more. “I’ll drop by later if I have time.” She then made the mistake of looking up at him. His eyes were staring straight at her, almost daring her to look away while he ended the call.

“You should go if you’re busy. She probably needs you there.” She forced a small smile as she finally was able to pull her hand away from his.

His hand continued to linger in place as if her hand was still within his. It wasn’t until moments later that his hand fell limply back to his side. “Why can’t it just be about us? Why do you always have to care about everyone else?” The frustration from earlier seemed to have dissipated from his voice. Instead, defeat seemed to linger in the air between them.

“I didn’t know there was something about us to talk about.” The line came out curter than she expected. His eyes were on her again and she felt as though he was scrutinizing her. Her mind went blank and she tried to look anywhere but his eyes. “You should go. You shouldn’t keep her waiting.” Not seeing him respond, she looked at him one last time before turning to leave.

She hadn’t taken two steps before she felt his arms wrap themselves around her again. “But what about what I want?” With him holding her like that, she could feel their heartbeats fall to the same rhythm. “I don’t care if I keep everyone else waiting.” Hearing his voice in her ear brought tingles down her spine. She didn’t think it was possible but his arms seemed to tighten around her even more. “I only care about you. I want to stand here like this: seeing you, holding you, talking to you like this.”

Her mind seemed to be in shock. She didn’t know what to think, how to act. The words he’s saying, did he actually feel that way? Never had she even imagined that something like this could happen. “But you…”

“As long as you’re there, no one else matters. I’ve been reaching out because I want you to hold onto me.” His chin dropped down and rested on her shoulder. She could almost hear the smile in his voice. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t hold onto me. Because I’ll hold onto you. I thought that you would understand my feelings even if I didn’t say anything but I guess I was wrong.” His arms loosened their hold around her before he spun her around to face him. His eyes sparkled and his smile grew even wider upon seeing the blush on her cheeks. He waited until she looked up at him again before he leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was short, a peck almost. But it was long enough a firm enough that there was no mistaking his intention. When he pulled away, she could tell that her face was flushed from the way his smile seemed even brighter. He pulled her into his arms again before whispering in her ear, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”