My door is shut and I’m on my bed surrounded in a sea of Devon’s confessions. Some of them are short and sweet but others are so long my eyes begin to sting with all of the words scribbled on a page. She has literally poured her heart into each one of her letters to me, and with each word I’m feeling my heart sink. I lose the day wrapped in her feelings, hearing her personality jumping off each page. I can imagine her face while writing these; some of these letters are so silly while others are more serious. She usually writes about her day or if one of the members has released something new, she’ll give her opinions. Her love of all of us leaps from topic to topic; she doesn’t miss a thing, in her letters she’s describing different music videos and hairstyles. She’s very descriptive in her writing; she’ll write when she’s laughing or smiling. She doesn’t when she’s crying, but I can tell she has been from the ink smudges on the page. I put down the current letter I’ve been reading and everyone’s right…I’m the biggest jackass on the planet.

~~~~

                I called out sick two days in a row; I figured I could give him his space. I kept replaying the “conversation” in my head.

“The sight of you pains me…you make me feel horrible inside. You are not the same warm person I knew before but you have become this heartless creature who torments whoever she comes in contact with.”

                I was determined not to cause him any more heartache; I’d stay completely out of his way and hoped he would stay out of mine. It took everything that I had not to cut him out of my BIGBANG posters or to cover up my mini T.O.P shrine above my bed. I had avoided BIGBANG’s calls and messages to me on my phone; it was harsh but I didn’t want to talk to any of them. It was too soon and I was pretty sure that if I saw one of them now I would legit start crying. I drove around town for a bit in the silence before getting a call from Summer.

“Hello?”

“Devon, I’m going to need you to come into work today” she said unfeeling.

“Summer” I coughed. “I’m sorry but”

“I know your faking Devon” Summer said knowingly. “Now I need you to cover the inside pool area. Can you be here in fifteen?”

“Yes, even though I’m practically on my deathbed-”

“I’m sure you’ll manage” she smiled before she hung up.

                I swung by my house and grabbed my t-shirt noticing that something was off…something that was missing. I began flinging things everywhere trying to find my wooden treasure box. Where was it?! Why can’t I find it? Did I put it someplace? I rushed down the steps and saw my mother in the living room watching television.

“Hey ma! Have you been in my room lately?”

“No, is something wrong?”

“I just can’t find something” I said still puzzled. “No one else was in my room right?”

“Nope” she stretched out. “Just Paije, yesterday.”

“Paije?” I said nervously.

“Yeah she came over to see if you were okay” My mom answers innocently.

                Paije wouldn’t dare…like she wouldn’t give my-

“I’m going to work! I’ll see you later” I say whipping out my cell phone to call Paije.

                It goes straight to voicemail but she’s changed her message.

“Hi, sorry you caught me at a bad time but leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you…and if this is Devon? Yes it was me and you’ll thank me for it eventually…BYE!”

                BEEP. She gave him my letters…she actually gave him my letters! I’m gonna kill her!!!!

I’m still thinking about this after I have clocked in for work and have begun to skim around the pool’s edge. I have to get those letters back somehow! They aren’t meant to be read by anyone! They were for me! And any right T.O.P had to those letters left the premises when he yelled at me yesterday. It’s settled…I have to somehow sneak into the room and steal those letters. I’ll do it on my half-hour break. It’s only been a few days I mean, he can’t have read them all in that short amount of time. Those letters could easily make up a series; if he went through them in order he must now just be getting to the funny happenings writing. I’m still safe with the fact that he hasn’t gotten to the mushiness…at least I hope. I’m watching the clock tick minute by minute as my mission to rescue my love notes gets closer. When the new girl Tina comes to relieve me for lunch, I make a mad dash for the break-room, stealing a maid’s room key before running to the elevators. The ride up is suspenseful; hopefully the room is cleared out because of their schedules. I’m pretty sure I’m not prepared to see anyone but Sim Sunbae if necessary. When I’m running down the hallway, my eyes brighten up even more as I realize no one is guarding the door. I swipe the key card quickly gaining instant access to the room. I listen for any sign of movement in the suite. I hear none before creeping around the place to find T.O.P’s room. I’m almost positive that’s where they are. I walk up the steps and press my ear to the only bedroom door, seeing if I can hear anything. I open the door and it’s empty as well, but my wooden box is nowhere to be seen. In a matter of ten seconds I’m literally tearing his room apart trying to find my box and letters and then my heart stops. I make a mad dash for under the bed and shimmy to the middle hoping no one is smart enough to catch me. The person walks in and assess the mess I’ve created within the room. I curse myself silently recognizing the voice. Thankfully he walks out of the room to the bathroom on the same floor. As soon as I hear the door shut I’m scooting myself from under the bed preparing to leap down the steps before running out the door. I swear I have to be the loudest person in the history of the world because I barely reach the bottom step of the living room before T.O.P notices that someone was there. He looks over the banister, no doubt seeing my scrambling figure running out the door to the nearest fire escape. He’s shouting my name trying to move faster, but it’s of no use I’ve got too much of a head start.

                I stomp completely frustrated back to my position at the pool.

“I’ve got to get those letters back” I hiss to myself. “Even if I just go in and take them.”

                Not even ten minutes later Summer is calling me to her office.

“Yes?” I say trying not to sound agitated.

“You are wanted at the penthouse.”

“What for?” I ask innocently.

“Apparently I’ve been instructed by the hotel manager to give you leave for the rest of the day on the condition that you are to go to the penthouse.”

                Which desire to I require the most? My need to stay away from T.O.P or the one to rescue my letters. In the end my letters win and I’m riding the elevator back to the room.

“Deep breaths, just see what he wants…no! Just demand your letters and then leave! In. Out. Home!”

                I give myself this pep talk the entire way up to the penthouse. Sim Sunbae is outside this time and he lets me into the room. T.O.P is standing there with his hands easily folded his gaze waiting for mine. I tell myself to keep it professional before I begin talking; acting like I didn’t just tear his room apart.

“Is there something I can get you sir?” I say formally with a ‘Hilton’ smile. It’s totally fake.

“No.”

“Is the room somehow unsatisfactory?” I smile again knowing that the suite isn’t, just his room.

“No” he says flat.

“Then if that is all,” I begin, scanning the room with my eyes looking out for a box. “Please refer to the front desk with your concerns, instead of the Pool area.”

“I’ll remember that” he says short.

I give him a nod, giving up my search for the letters today until the wooden box, my wooden box set on the floor catches my eye. I stop in my tracks thinking if I should just run to it or if I should casually walk to it. We both run for the box getting to it at the same time.

“LET IT GO!!!” I protest tugging on one half of the box.

“ANDWAE!!!!” He answers pulling harder. I keep my tight grip on it before trying to shake it free.

                In the end we both break the box and my letters are spilling out into the air like a scene from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I begin trying to gather them up until I feel T.O.P’s hands around my shoulders. I’m not ready for that, and that simple gesture causes me to say ‘To hell with the letters’ in order to get him off me.

“Devon wait!”

“I don’t think so!” I bellow back throwing the letters in my hand at him. I’m so upset I don’t care about him reading them anymore; I just need to get out of that room. I open the door to see Sunbae’s extremely broad back blocking the door frame making it impossible for me to get out.

“We’re going to talk” T.O.P says certain.

“SUNBAE!” I screech. “Let me out!”

“I said we’re going to talk!”

I let out another scream. “You don’t want to see me…so why am i here?!!!!”

                I’m beating on Sunbae’s back hoping to make him move.

“LET ME OUT! RIGHT NOW!” I shriek higher and louder. “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!” I shout turning to face T.O.P.

“Then just listen-”

“I’m not doing that either!” I say debating whether or not I should attempt to tackle Sim Sunbae. “In fact…SHUT UP! You’re voice is the last thing I ever want to hear!”

“You don’t mean that” T.O.P says quietly. “According to your letters-”

“Don’t even talk to me about those letters!!!! Those vile and despicable thoughts belong in the trash somewhere! You were never supposed to see them” I say kicking Sim Sunbae in the thigh; it’s like kicking a brick wall.

“WHY NOT! THEY’RE FOR ME!” He exaggerates pointing to himself.  “WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND THEM?!”

                It takes everything I have not to pick something up and throw it at him.

“Let me go now!” I growl my nostrils flaring in a peak. T.O.P steps towards me and I back away warningly.

“Sunbae” he says and Sim moves aside. “This isn’t over Devon.”

“Like hell it’s not” I snarl walking out of the suite.

                As soon as I’m leaving the hotel I’m making my way to Paije’s house not even bothering to go home yet. I slam my car door hard and see that Paije is in her driveway washing her car.

“What the hell Paije?!” I bellow walking around to face her. “YOU GAVE HIM MY LETTERS!”

“Hello to you too” she said unsympathetic.

“MY ING LETTERS PAIJE!!! THEY WERE MINE! AND YOU STOLE THEM TO GIVE THEM TO HIM!” I practically scream. “How could you just do that?!”

“Why didn’t you just have the balls enough to give them to him yourself?!”

“It was my choice not to do so, and you ignore my feelings? For what?” I glare at her and she’s still unfeeling. It takes everything I have not to hit her too. “Never in my life did I think you could be this much of a .”

“Hold up!” She says squinting her eyes at me. “Now don’t get pissed at me because you made a mess of everything. It’s not my fault that you’re such a coward when it comes to telling people how you really feel until it’s too late.”

“This has nothing to with telling him how I felt…this is about your blatant disrespect for stuff that has nothing to do with you!”

“I’m sorry but when you’re mother calls me on the phone telling me that my best friend is having a nervous breakdown over a guy…I kinda want a little revenge on the bastard!!!” She yells.

“How is showing him those letters revenge on anyone but me?!”

“He yelled at you?” She questions.

“Yeah-”

“He thought of the worst possible things to say to you, right?”

“Yes but-”

“How do you think he feels after reading those letters?”

                I take a quick breath thinking it over.

“Him reading those notes is exactly the kind of punishment he deserves…guilt.”

                Damn it! I hate it when she makes sense. And my few moments of silence confirm that she’s right. My letters were perfect. They were faithful and plentiful, honest and pure and they laid out my feelings easily.

I sink down to my knees crouching for a bit. “I’d rather just keep him in the dark.”

“Where you’re the only one who’s hurting? That’s not okay with me…he needs to feel something too.” She said crouching next to me. “You’re always looking out for his feelings and he could care less about yours. I’m sick of it Dev…so I’m sorry you're so upset about it but I’m not apologizing for doing it.”

“So you mean to tell me that if I went upstairs right now and showed Daesung your sketchbook filled with drawings and portraits of the two of you laying in meadows-”

“You…wouldn’t”

“I…should! You practically gave T.O.P my diary” I groan. “Seriously? Next time don’t do anything”

“Next time you do something!” She comes back with a laugh. “Stop being so afraid and just tell him exactly what you're feeling.”

I swear I’m on the verge of tears again. “So what am I gonna do now?”

Paije shrugged her shoulders. “What is it you want to do?”

I answer her honestly. “I don’t know.”

~~~~

“Yah! Hyung, what happened to your room?” Yongbae says laughing.

“Devon” I sigh wistfully as I sit on the carpet.

“I didn’t know she was this angry” he says quietly. “Are you sure she would do this on purpose? That’s not like her.”

                My room legit looks like it’s been attacked by that super hero Storm from the X-Men. The bed is unmade and the room furniture is out of place. I’ve received many offers to have it cleaned, but instead I sit in it soaking up the evidence of her being here.

“She was looking for these” I explain holding the box like it’s the greatest treasure. And it is…this proves she’s mine.

“Oh” is all he says. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure” I say getting up from the floor. “But, I need to talk to her and since she won’t come to me I’ll go to her.”

“You don’t know where to go” he says honestly.

“Can’t be that hard…I just know that I somehow need to fix this” I say pulling on a jacket. “I just hope she’s cooled down a bit.”

“I don’t know hyung…” Taeyang says warningly. “You and I both know how rebellious and stubborn Devon can be.”

~~~~

After Paije and I have a little heart to heart I’m stable enough to go back home. It’s a slow drive as I feel a headache beginning. The sooner I’m home the better and I find myself wanting my quiet house more than usual. When I reach my driveway I shut off my car and begin searching my pockets for my house; it’s not necessary. Before I can get to the top step of my porch the front door is flying open by my mother.

“Everything okay?” I ask slowly.

“Of course! I just can’t believe it!!!” She cackles excitedly.

                The look on my face is just confused. What has got my mom so energized?

“What’s going on?”

“That guy!!!! The one your obsessed with!!!! He’s here!!!!” She practically squeals.

“What guy?” I ask hoping to God that she’s not talking about who I think she’s talking about.

“THAT GUY!!!!” She whines. “The one plastered all over your bedroom! He’s in this house!!! In your room!!!” She grins.

                My eyes bug out as I’m racing up my house steps hoping to find a member of MBLAQ, SHINee, SUPER JUNIOR or any other member of BIGBANG except for…

“You really were a cute kid” T.O.P says comfortably looking at my baby photos. “You’re even more beautiful, even though you're still clearly upset with me” he smiles.

                I feel my face tighten at the flattery and from my fury.

“Get out!” I yell. “Get out right now!”

“I can’t” he says pretending to think of a good reason.

“I’m not asking you too. I’m telling you to leave right now! You're not welcome here!”

“You're mom invited me for dinner-”

“You're not staying for dinner!” What part didn’t he get?! I didn’t want him here!

“But I’m really hungry, I haven’t eaten-”

“I don’t care” I said unkind.

“Yah! That’s mean and not what you said in your letters” he reminded. “Oppa!” His voice turned girly and cute to match is Aegyo expressions. “Hope you are eating a lot! Oppa you need to eat more! TOP-oppa are they feeding you well? Oppa-”

My mouth twisted into a painful position. “I never want to hear about those letters again!”

“Devon! TOP!” My mom sings sweetly. “Dinner is ready.”

                T.O.P stood up and walked down the steps and I grew even angrier following him out. My face was becoming hot with anger and as much as I wanted too, I couldn’t force him out of my house. My mother had set the table like it was Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Mountains of dishes covered the table along with our finest china for the place settings. I swear if they didn’t used to belong to my grandmother, I felt like smashing each and every plate.

“Top hun, come to the table!” My mom practically cooed. “Now, I had no idea what you would like so I just cooked a little of everything.”

“You cooked everything but the fridge” I grumbled. “It’s a shame he won’t be able to enjoy it; he needs to get back to-”

“Ani, I have the entire night.”

“That was just too cute…Ani…Ani” My mother says with a giggle.

                I make a mean face towards him and my mom bops my head silently telling me to behave.

“Why are you being like this?!” I whine to her.

“Like what?” She says innocently. “You of all people should be excited he’s here-”

“I’ve never seen you act like this for anyone else.”

“I haven’t heard you mention anyone else for the past five or six years!” My mom laughed disappearing back into the kitchen. “You two go on ahead and sit. I’m coming!”

“Ahjumma!” T.O.P smiles heartwarmingly as he sits at the table. “This really is too much! Thank you.”

“My pleasure hun” My mom answers back. “Sit Dev!”

I take in a deep breath taking a seat across from T.O.P on the other side of my mom. “What are you so smiley about?” I grumble.

He smiles even bigger.  “Six years! You’ve liked me that long? Wow!”

“Alright are we ready to say grace.”

                We all bow our heads as my mom blesses the food. She finished with a smile before passing me the fried chicken. T.O.P was already helping himself to a large portion of collard greens and candied yams.

“Please pass the chicken?” T.O.P says to me and I give it to him begrudgingly.

“Now Devon that’s enough!” My mom says in her stern tone. “You will show some respect to our guest.”

“But Ma!” I whine. “I don’t want-”

“Devon” she says my name through gritted teeth. “Forgive her behavior please?” She says sweetly to T.O.P patting his hand.

“It’s no problem” he says before eating a mouthful. “You might say I kind of earned it.”

“It’s still no excuse. She was brought up better than that.”

T.O.P prepares to make another statement but he his fingers before talking. “This really is wonderful!”

                He legit beamed at my mom and even though I was upset with him I couldn’t help but fan-girl slightly. I mean one of my fantasies was actually happening; T.O.P and my mom were sharing a meal together like one big happy-STOP IT! Devon! You’re supposed to be upset with him remember? I’m not gonna make this easy! I looked back at T.O.P who was looking at me with hope. I snorted returning to my plate; he let out a quiet chuckle.

                When the three of us had finished I began clearing away the table before working on the dishes.

“Oh hun, you don’t have to do that.”

“Please?” I hear him answer her with a smile. “It’s the only way I can say thank you for the meal.”

                He came up behind me slyly putting a dish in the kitchen sink. He thought he was slick, the way he positioned himself, his body was really close to mine making it difficult to shift away from him. He scooted me out of the way indicating that he would wash. I let him have it preparing to walk up the stairs back to the room, but my mother stopped me.

“Where are you going?”

“Ma’m?”

“Get in there and help him-”

“But this is his way of thanking you-”

“Devon Christine Ashford” my mother warns as I catch T.O.P smiling to himself.

                My mother heads upstairs leaving the two of us alone to clean the kitchen. I nudge him waiting for him to pass me another plate to dry. A few more minutes of silent washing and drying pass before he makes an effort to talk.

“Don’t say anything” I say.

“Why not?”He asks handing me another plate to dry.

“You are by far the biggest jerk I’ve ever known. What would make me want to talk to you?”

“Devon-”

“No! You said that I cause you-and then you show up here-what were you- I don’t even! ARGH!!” I groan.

                I push him lightly out of the way and began finishing the dishes by myself. He stood their watching not really sure what to say or do.

“Why didn’t you send me those letters?”

“I’m not answering that!” I shout slamming a pot in the dishpan causing suds to fly everywhere. He surprises me by not laughing.

“Why didn’t you send me those letters?” He asks again a little louder as well.

“I don’t owe you any explanations-”

“You are wrong! If nothing else, you owe me explanations.” He says cutting me off. “You choose another man, break your promises, and don’t write me to explain.”

                I turn on the water to rinse but he shuts it off, trying to grab my arm but I shake him easily.

“All this time I thought you forgot me” he sighs. “And now when I find out you haven’t, but that your feelings for me have grown stronger-”

“That’s where you're wrong” I say ignoring him turning the water back on. “The sight of you pains me. I wish you could just disappear before my eyes, because I can’t stand the sight of you!”

                I dish his words right back to him and I can see shame and regret cloud his gaze.

“I’m sorry-”

“I don’t care to hear it” I answer back rinsing off a plate. “You can leave now.”

                He doesn’t, but watches me clean the kitchen instead in silence. I’m thankful for the quiet and when he finally decides to leave, giving me a chance to actually settle down and catch my breath. When I’m crawling into bed early, my entire body aches as my head pounds with a constant beat. Tired and sore, I fall asleep.

~~~~

okay so i know a lot of drama happened in this chapter but i told you guys that things were going to be moving a little quicker. am i going to fast? if i am let me know. leave me a comment, tell me what you're thinking!

thanks for reading as always! and much love, pce!