Fear, a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

                Fear was the emotion I felt when Bom couldn't stop crying or when Seungho’s voice cracked when he was on the phone with the doctor.

                It was what made Joon yell at Thunder to boil water and grab clean cloths; what made me hold Mir's body as Joon worked around the wound. Mir's body warm against mine, but his breath shallow and slow.

Fear was what worked through our bodies as Mir's body shivered when Joon tried to lift his shirt away from the wound.

“Don’t look,” Joon had warned me before he began working on the wound, “just think about Mir and don’t look.”

I remembered my brother, when he would get fevers, and though he was older, I would always look after him, make sure he was okay.

I began rubbing his arms. It would keep him warm, it would comfort me. His head lay on my shoulder and I felt his weak, shallow breaths on my neck. He was still alive, he was still fighting. We would fight with him.

Seungho walked into the room, keeping his eyes on Mir.

“He’s coming. He’ll be here in 5 minutes,” he placed a hand on his forehead and closed his eyes, sitting down next to Thunder who was rocking back and forth in his seat, fidgeting with the rings on his fingers.

We all seemed to calm down a bit after hearing that the doctor was coming. I would find out later that this doctor was Seungho’s uncle, that he didn’t approve of what they did, but would risk anything to help them if needed.

Joon had stopped working on the wound and was looking at Mir’s back. He was in a daze and didn’t say much.

I kept Mir against my body, hoping that he would be warm. He had lost too much blood and I knew he needed warmth.

The 5 minutes seemed like forever. We waited and waited and the doctor finally walked in, his assistant by his side. She had probably grown used to helping them; she showed no fear and did as the doctor said.

Joon didn’t tell me then but after we walked out of the room and into the kitchen, after the doctor had taken over, he had told me that the bullet wound was close to Mir’s spine. Without being a doctor he could tell that the wound wasn't just going to be an easy one to recover from. That Mir might be hurt more than we could see.

He turned away as his voice cracked. I didn’t know what to do. All instincts threw me into wanting to comfort him like I had comforted Mir, like I had been comforted and so for once after everything that had happened in the last month and in the last week and in the last year, I took what I had been wanting to do and did it.

I reached up from behind him and just hugged him. I held him, my head on his back and my arms around his waist. He was still for a few seconds then responded by turning around and staring at me. I don't know what he was looking for that night when he looked at me, but I think he found it. He found it somewhere in my eyes and he hugged me back, burying his head into my shoulder and wrapping his arms around me tightly.

I put my arms around him again and slowly rubbed his back. I was okay with him hugging me like that, I really was. You might think that I hated the guy, and that I would be cruel but it seemed no matter what happened I couldn’t hate him. Something drew me to him and made me want to comfort him, to make him act normal again. It was probably because he was family, because Mir was family. Even as he lay there on that bed, and Bom sat quietly in G.O's room, we were all family and I needed to be there for all of them. Joon was family, he was an ally. And when I wrapped my arms around him, it felt like things were going to be okay. That Mir would be okay, and that my relationship with them would change. That I would finally be a part of their family.

We heard the door open and Joon pulled away from me, looking to see who it was. The doctor walked out, pulling off his gloves that were covered in blood.

“H-how is he?” Joon asked, his voice low.

“He’s stable but there are a few things that I’ll need to discuss with you in private,” the doctor nodded to me and then looked back at Joon.

Joon looked as if he wouldn’t survive going into a room alone with the doctor to hear whatever the doctor had to say, but he followed behind him anyway.

I wasn’t going to stand back and not know anything, so I followed behind. Normally, Joon would notice but being in the state he was in, I was lucky to follow them straight to the room and stand by the half open door.

"He's stable but I'm not sure for how long. The bullet wound is not serious but the bullet, to my knowledge, grazed his spinal cord. I’m going to call for an emergency surgery tonight but Joon, I'm so sorry to say that Mir might not be the same again.”

I felt my body go numb and I had to hold on to the wall to support myself. Not the same? I tried to catch my breath but there didn’t seem to be enough oxygen. I placed a hand over my mouth a breathed slowly. For a moment there was silence and the only thing that could be heard was the chiming of the grandfather clock in the living room. It went off 9 times and with each chime I felt the strength in my body come back. I turned my attention back to the room but it was still quiet.

The doctor had sounded sad when he broke the news. He had probably done this so many times, telling people what they didn’t want to hear. I wondered how awful it must have felt to be obligated to say it to someone you care for.

"What do you mean? What do you mean ‘not the same?’ What the hell are you talking about?" Joon's shaky voice finally broke the silence, an octave higher than usual. It was more frightening to hear his voice shake, to know that Joon was losing control than seeing him angry.

"Joon, depending on how serious his injuries, he – I'm very sorry – but he could be permanently paralyzed from the waist down."

Paralyzed…? Mir, the hyperactive prankster of the group wouldn’t be able to walk again? That wasn’t right, it couldn’t be right. I felt my legs go numb but held myself again from falling to my knees. This couldn’t happen to Mir. Not now, not when he was so young. It was the same reaction Joon had, the same reaction any one of us would have.

“Paralyzed? No, he can’t be, he’s fine. He has to be okay. There’s nothing wrong. It’s a bullet, you’ll get it out and he’ll be fine,” Joon’s voice shook more. I was glad that I couldn’t see him, that I was only able to hear his voice.

“Joon…” the doctor began, his voice soft and comforting. I heard a glass break and felt myself flinch. I knew Joon had found something and thrown it. I heard him kick a chair and heard the thump as it fell to the ground.

“What do you mean he won’t be able to walk? He's only 18; he has so much more to live. Aren’t you a damn doctor? Why don’t you do something?!” Joon yelled out.

“Joon, I’m sorry…” the doctor’s voice was low again, barely audible. He was having a hard time with the truth like Joon was, like I was.

I dared to look into the room. I knew they wouldn’t see me, but I was scared of what I would see.

Joon held his head, his hair and fell onto his knees. He fell forward, holding himself up with his hands. My hands flew up to cover my mouth. Joon had lost all hope and my heart broke at the sight. This wasn’t the Joon I was used to seeing. This Joon was vulnerable and weak when it came to his family, his loved ones.

“Please, please God, please, Doctor, do something. He doesn't deserve it. Please, just, you have to help him. Do anything, anything to help him,” he pleaded, keeping his head down, not looking at the doctor.

The doctor sighed and looked up and I was almost certain he was trying to fight back tears. He kneeled down and placed his hand on Joon’s shoulder.

“I’ll do anything I can to help him, you know that. I’ll get the best doctors, the best surgeons to see that he comes out safely. I promise you that much, okay?”

I couldn’t watch or listen any more. I walked away and headed back towards Mir’s room. I wanted to see him and hold him.

I walked into the room and saw Thunder sitting by Mir’s side. He looked up at me and I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

“Will Mir die?” he spoke in a whisper, almost as if he didn’t want Mir to hear.

I had to be strong for him, had to give him hope. I couldn’t stand seeing his grief-stricken face and the tears in his eyes.

“It’s just a bullet wound. He should be alright. This is Mir we’re talking about, he’ll be okay. For sure,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. He sat back down and looked to the ground. I pulled a chair next to him but kept my eyes focused on Mir.

Mir might be paralyzed.

Mir.

I felt warmth on my hand and looked up to see Thunder looking at me, his hand on mine. No, I wasn’t going to lose my cool now. I had to be strong for him, for them.

We stayed silent for a while, keeping our eyes on Mir. I knew that the doctor was going to come back into the room. He was probably already making the preparations for the room and the surgeons. I knew we had little time with Mir and I got nervous thinking about what was going to happen.

I felt Thunder lightly squeeze my hand and I smiled at him, feeling comforted by his gestures.

All ease left me when I heard quick footsteps and saw the doctor run into the room with a few more helpers. They were going to take him now.

I saw them lift Mir carefully and place him on another bed and began rushing him out. My heart began to beat faster. This was it; they were taking him to remove the bullet. It was a relief and burden: the bullet would be removed, but he might never walk again. My heart sank at the thought.

Thunder ran past me after them and I followed out the door. I saw Bom unnie and she quickly held onto my arm, walking quickly behind the doctors. Joon and Seungho had their keys in their hands and ran to start their cars. We quickly got into them and followed the paramedic’s car.

I felt Bom unnie bury her face into my shoulder and felt her crying. I heard Joon saying that this wasn’t going to be the end. That he would make sure those guys pay for what they had done. I agreed silently, noting in my mind that I would definitely be by Joon’s side when he decided to get the revenge. He cursed them under his breath and the car accelerated. Everyone else in the car was quiet. I had to keep strong. They needed at least one person to be strong for them and I wanted to be that person. I wanted them to know that I was going to be there for them no matter what.

We ran into the hospital behind the doctor. The hospital was full of workers and patients as they rushed Mir in. We ran behind them, not caring about the looks we got, all of us having blood on our hands, clothes. We needed to know if Mir was going to be okay.

The nurses at the front desk took a quick look at Mir and their eyes widened as they hastily started filling out the papers needed for him. Why were they so surprised?

I heard a few people muttering his name…his real name: Bang Chulyong.

Bang Chulyong. I repeated the name in my head a few times before it hit me. How had I not realized it before? A boy named Bang Chulyong was our governor’s grandchild…and that grandchild was Mir, a member of a gang called MBLAQ?

I shook off the shock and refocused my attention on him as we continued to go after the doctors. It now made sense why they had agreed to do such a sudden and drastic surgery. Gang member or not (I didn’t know if they knew the details), Mir was the grandson of an important man.

They took Mir into the surgery room and told us we weren’t allowed inside. My heart sank knowing that the surgery was going to take hours. We weren’t going to know anything for a long time.

It seemed that Bom unnie had run out of tears and was now sitting on one of the waiting chairs, holding a tissue to her nose and not speaking. G.O and Thunder were sitting next to her, G.O had his arm around her and Thunder had his head on her shoulder. I looked towards the doors that led to the surgery room. Joon and Seungho were standing in front of it. Seungho was standing in one corner and Joon was on the other, both had the same expression on their faces, showing no emotion, stoic.

It seemed like forever had passed.

G.O had bought coffee for everyone so we all tried to keep busy by drinking the coffee slowly. Joon and Seungho, however, hadn’t touched theirs.

They must have felt guilty. Joon, the leader, and Seungho, the eldest, weren’t able to protect their youngest member.

I watched them as they glanced at each other from time to time, sighed and looked back away.

Thunder put his cup down and I noticed he hadn’t drank from his either. Who knew what was going through his mind? Mir and he always did everything together and now Mir’s life was on the line.

Mir had to survive.

I looked up at the ceiling; the lights were bright and somehow felt comforting. I leaned onto the wall next to me and continued looking at them, wondering if everything was going well, when we would be able to see Mir again…if he would be able to walk again. I closed my eyes and held the place on my chest where my heart was. It hurt to think about the negatives, it hurt to think that Mir wouldn’t be the free-running, wild Mir that we had all become used to.

The door’s suddenly opened and the doctor walked out. Seungho and Joon were the first to greet him, or well, begin interrogating him. My stomach felt queasy but I managed to run right to where they were.

“The surgery was successful,” he started and the tension in the room almost disappeared. He wasn’t done though, “the surgery was successful, but there are a few things you’ll need to be aware of.”

The look of panic returned in everyone’s eyes.

“Your friend seems to be paralyzed from the waist down but we’re not sure yet if it’s temporary paralysis or permanent. We’ll have to do some tests in order to find out but for now, he’s in stable condition. You may go in and see him.”

I was ready to burst into tears.

The moment we had thought the nightmare was over, a new scene took its place.