Gunshots are sort of one of those sounds you never forget. They don't always sound the same when the caliber is bigger or smaller, whether it is a glock or a rifle. Guns don't always sounds the same, or feel the same but when it goes off you never really doubt that it's a gun and there's possibly a bullet heading in your direction.

I saw the bullet again. I saw it leave the barrel and head towards Joon. I knew if I caught it, nothing would happen. No one would get hurt like last time. But I wasn't fast enough; I couldn't move fast enough, it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough and when I watched Joon hit the ground, I felt like I would never breathe again.

I knelt down and held him in my arms yelling his name, telling him to wake up. His eyes remained closed and I didn’t know what to do. My breath was shaky and it took all of me to stop myself from hyperventilating. I felt movement behind me and heard someone off in the distance yell for an ambulance. I knew people had gathered around us, watching in horror, hoping to find out what was going on. All I could think about was Joon. How could this happen again? How can another person I loved get hurt like this? I felt my eyes sting as the tears formed and flowed down my face.

“Chaerin! Get up, the ambulance is here!” I heard my father’s voice and felt his hands on my shoulders. He pulled me up as the paramedics moved Joon into the ambulance. I broke away from my father and ran to get inside the ambulance as well.

“What’s your relationship?” they asked.

“Girlfriend. I’m his girlfriend,” I didn’t know how I got that out so clearly. My body was shaking. But they let me on and when my father showed them his badge, they let him on as well.

The ride to the hospital was a short one and before I could process anything that had happened they were rolling him to the last of the doors in the hallway and refused to let me inside. I watched Joon roll away, and I didn’t know if I was going to see him again. I almost began to panic and when I turned, I was in the arms of my father and I let myself cry. I cried into his chest and he held me. He cradled me in his arms the way he always did when I was a child. And I felt comforted. I heard him muttering “it’s okay,” and “it’s all going to be fine,” and I wanted to believe him.

I couldn’t sit down. I kept pacing around as I waited for the doctors to come out and tell me that he was okay. Of course Joon would be okay. He was always okay. I had called Bom unnie and told her what had happened. She and the boys were on their way here. I saw my father walking back to me with two cups in his hands. I assumed it would be coffee or hot chocolate. I didn’t want it but took it from him anyway as he handed it to me.

“Chaerin, what's going on?” I knew the questions were coming. It was inevitable. This was my dad, I was his only daughter, and he was a detective. I mean, what else could I have expected?

“Dad, just...I can't tell you anything. I'm sorry,” I averted my eyes from him and looked down at my hands holding the cup. It was hot chocolate after all, I should have guessed. It had always been the tall tale sign of wanting to talk. I made myself look infatuated with it. Please, no more questions.

“Chaerin, what did you get yourself into? What have you done?” He grabbed me by the shoulders and sat me on the chairs. He took the cup from my hand and placed it on the chair next to us. He was looking at me, even if I had no answers to give him. I couldn’t bear to look at his face, not after all of this. I turned my head away from him, letting my hair cover my peripheral as I looked to the ground.

The idea of Joon in that room, a bullet lodged in his chest, made me more nauseous than I cared to think. I felt the tears returning and tried to wipe them away before I turned back to my dad, shaking my head at him.

“I didn't do anything, Dad. I didn't mean for anything to happen. I didn't mean for him to get hurt. I can't take it back. But I wish I could. I wish I had listened. I knew he wasn't lying but I just wanted to be normal again, to have friends again. And I loved him too much to see past the fact that he was protecting me rather than being spiteful and angry, I'm sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry."

I cried into my hands. I cried for all the pain I had caused, all the lies I had told, I cried for things I couldn't control, and I cried for things I should have controlled, should have listened to.

“Chaerin, it's okay. I don't understand and I know you can't tell me, but this isn't your fault. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault.”

I looked up at my father’s face for the first time. I hadn’t realized how tired he looked. I wanted to say something back but what was there to say?

“Are you saying dumb things again, Chaerin?” I heard a familiar voice shout in the hallway. I looked above my father's shoulder to see Bom unnie, Seungho and the rest of them coming towards us.

“Bom unnie,” I whispered softly. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, and stood tall next to my father.

“Dad, these are my –” I stopped short. What could I say? I couldn't tell him they were my family without revealing everything. Before I could think of what to say next, Mir, who had rolled up next to me said, “We're Joon's family. We're close friends with Chaerin.”

My father stood between us, facing Mir and his smile, and I couldn't see his expression.

“Dad, please meet Seungho, Mir, Thunder, G.O and Bom unnie,” I walked around him and faced him, putting a hand on Mir’s shoulder, “they’ve been good friends for these past months and I’ve got so much to thank them for.”

I didn’t know what to make of my father’s expression. He still looked confused about what was going on but he also looked almost angry. I saw him looking at Seungho and remembered that he had seen Seungho in “my” room before.

“I’m not going to ask any more questions until that boy is out of the surgery room. For now, I’m just going to keep quiet because I realize it’s a hard time for all of you,” his face wasn’t tired anymore. This was his detective face. He wasn’t my father anymore, he was the detective that would get to the bottom of the shooting. He was determined to find out what was going on and what had happened in my life. He gave me one last long look before he began to walk away. I didn’t call out to him. He knew I needed time alone with Joon’s family. There would be a lot to tell them I couldn’t say in front of him. I turned to Bom unnie and she immediately hugged me.

“Oh honey, you poor thing. It’s all gonna be okay, I promise,” Bom unnie pulled back and looked at my face. She gave me a smile and a nod.

“Yeah, Joon’s always pulling through. I mean…he’s never been shot before…but, you know…he’s strong!” Mir said with a smile and I let myself laugh lightly at his confidence.

The boys all had a calm look on their faces because of their confidence in Joon. All of them but one: Seungho. He had a look in his eyes that ran a chill down my spine. I had never seen him like this. It was almost as if he would hurt anyone who opposed him. Anyone who got in his way of doing whatever he was thinking. I took in a deep breath and decided to approach him; no one else dared.

“You okay?” I asked softly, hoping he would answer me. He glanced at me and nodded, making sure to look away from me. I didn’t know how else to tell him that I knew something was bothering him.

“Do you…do you know who did this?” I almost whispered and it caught Seungho off guard.

“Yes,” he answered and I immediately knew what he was thinking. I knew the thoughts that were crossing his mind and I wouldn’t let him act it out.

“Seungho, no matter who it is, you can’t go by yourself and do something about it.”

“What makes you think I’d do something like that?” he said it with a smile. It was one of those fake smiles that were done to try and get someone off your back. This wasn’t the Seungho I knew. This wasn’t the cool headed Seungho that thought things through before acting. This wasn’t the Seungho that would make sure Joon thought twice before doing something.

“Seungho, I won’t let you,” I grabbed onto his arm, hoping he would see that no good would come out of acting rashly.

“Listen Chaerin, he’s my brother and someone tried to kill him. Do you think for one second that I’m gonna let it slide?” He was fuming but he was trying to keep it in. He didn’t want to cause a scene at the hospital, especially since my father was in the building.

“I know, I know you’re mad. You have every right to be mad and to want to kill everyone involved in this. But, please, think about what it would do to Joon if he found out that you got hurt trying to avenge him like this. Think about all of us that would be worried to death about you. Please, Seungho. Think about this,” I was begging at this point, “Please.”

He sighed and sat down on one of the chairs behind him, holding his head in his hands.

“Then what can I do now? Just wait until he wakes up??” He was asking it rhetorically, but I answered anyway.

“Yes, just wait until he wakes up and go talk to him. After that, you can do anything you want,” I answered. I wasn’t blaming Seungho; I was in the same position. I wanted to get them back just as much but I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. I couldn’t risk it and right now Seungho was in no place to do it by himself.

The doctor stepped out of the operating room and we all approached him anticipating the news he would give us.

“He’s fine. The bullet was on the right side of his chest so he’s fine now. There’s nothing to worry about. He’s going to be moved into the ICU until we know that he’s safe to leave. I’ll let the nurse take it from here.”

My heart felt lighter. Joon was okay. He was perfectly fine. Bom unnie hugged me tightly as we all sighed in relief.

Joon was awake. The doctors let us go in but I couldn’t face him with everyone there. My father had gone home to rest and trusted that I would go as well when I was ready. After that, there was no telling what kind of questioning he was going to do. I knew it would happen sooner or later. To be honest, I was glad that it was later. There would be less lying to the people I loved then.

I stood outside the hospital room door, not wanting to go inside. I didn’t want to see him in this state. It was all my fault. If I had listened to him about how serious being in this gang was and that there were so many people out to kill them and, now, me, he wouldn’t have been there tonight. If only we had been a bit more careful. If only. Why were those the only thoughts that came to mind when something bad happened? I knew I should have been thankful that Joon came out safely, and yet, all I could think about were ways that we could have avoided this situation altogether.

I was sitting on the bench next to the room when Bom unnie and the others walked out. I stood up and waited for them to tell me how he was.

“Go inside. He wants to see you,” Bom unnie had an almost sad smile on her face. I didn’t know how to read it. Was it because she was exhausted or because something bad was going to happen the moment I stepped into the room?

I gave her a slight nod and looked to Seungho, hoping that his expression would tell me what was going on. I got nothing from him as well but a sad look. I didn’t know what to think at that point.

I stepped into the room, closing the door softly behind me. I looked up from the tiled ground, to see Joon smiling softly at me.

“What are you doing over there?” He said quietly, the exhaustion in his voice was showing.

I shook my head violently. If there was one thing I didn’t want and it was to be near him. Not because I didn’t want to but because I knew I didn’t deserve it. I had put him here and I didn’t want to be anywhere near where I could hurt him again.

“Why didn’t you come in with the others?” he asked with the smile still on his face. I looked away from him to anything else that was in the room.

“I just…didn’t want to come in…” It was a whisper and I hoped he didn’t hear it.

“Come here,” he said and when I looked at him, he had his arms opened, the smile still gracing his face.

I shook my head again, looking away.

“I should stay where I can’t hurt you again,” I said, wringing my hands together. It was a bad habit whenever I was nervous.

“Chaerin, come here.” I looked up at his stern tone, and he crooked one finger at me. I followed its path to the empty side of the bed. He patted it softly and I stared down at his hand: a heart monitor on his middle finger, an IV drip on the back of his hand. He patted the bed again and cocked his head to the side. I knew he was wondering why I was acting this way. I knew he wanted answers for it.

I sat down hesitantly, making sure that I was on the edge. I looked down at my hands and started to scratch off the nail polish I had on.

“Chaerin, what’s wrong?” Joon’s voice sounded tired. I didn’t look at him and shook my head again.

“Hey, look at me,” he held my chin lightly and directed my eyes to his face. I moved back quickly and looked down again. How was I supposed to look into his eyes and not feel guilty about everything that happened?

He sighed and held my hand, pulling me closer to him. I resisted, trying to stay where I was sitting. But even in this state, he was still strong. He tugged my arm a big stronger and I fell over onto his chest. He put his left arm around me and rested his head on mine.

“Why are you ignoring me?” he murmured into my hair and I felt him lightly kiss the top of my head. The tears began to fall again. I felt so useless and helpless; I couldn’t do anything at that point but hold him and let my tears fall.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he hugged me closer. I made sure to keep on his left side; I didn’t want to hurt him. I shook my head at his question and we stayed silent for a moment. I could hear his heartbeat. It was steady and calming.

“I’m so sorry…” I whispered, closing my eyes so that I could hear his heartbeat better.

“What for? You didn’t do anything wrong,” he chuckled.

“Everyone keeps telling me that…and I can’t bring myself to believe it,” I didn’t want to have this conversation with him. I didn’t want to talk about anything. I just wanted him to be okay.

“This isn’t your fault Chaerin. It’s not your fault at all. They probably followed me all the way there anyway. If anything, this is my fault,” he pulled me back to look at my face.

“Do you know what I did when you…when you fell to the ground?” I started, “I froze, Joon. I froze and I sat there holding you and crying. I just sat there and cried. I didn’t think to do anything else. The neighbors had to call the ambulance! I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I’m just weak and I…I wish… I sometimes wish I never took that shortcut home. I wish that I never heard about that plan to attack those men. I can’t handle this anymore. I’m not strong enough,” I looked away from him again; this time because of my shame. I couldn’t bear to look at his face after telling him all of that.

“Listen to me, Chaerin. You are not weak. Just because you froze, doesn’t mean that you’re not a strong person. Chaerin, look at me,” his voice was stern.

I looked at him as he said firmly, “Chaerin, you’re not weak. You’re a part of this gang; you’re a part of this family. You’re CL, the one and only baddest female that I know. Got that?”

I didn’t know what to feel at that point. Memories from the past year flooded my mind. He had started off hating me and now…now he was the sweetest man that I knew. I wanted to hug him again but just looking at the situation we were in made me hesitate any move I made.

“If you don’t hug me right now for saying that kind of sweet crap, I’m breaking up with you,” Joon smirked as he raised his eyebrow at me.  I laughed and went in to give him a hug. I was part of this family. And I…I now had a nickname. CL. It had a nice ring to it.

“So…CL, huh?” it was Seungho’s voice from the door and even though I would normally jump up and sit straight, I stayed in Joon’s arms.

“Yup. My girl’s name is CL,” Joon tightened his arms around my shoulders with affection. I continued to smile. Everything was going to be okay. Being in Joon’s arms was giving me the comfort that I had needed. I knew everything was going to be okay. It was either that or I had done one hell of a job convincing myself that it was over.

I walked into the house and I saw my father sitting on the couch waiting for me. He had papers all around him and I could tell that they had to do with the case that he was working on. What was the name of the person he was trying to catch? I remembered him telling me the name but I couldn’t put my finger on what the name was.

“Chaerin, I have a few questions for you,” my father’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

“Sure, Dad. What is it?” I pulled a chair in front of the table that he had laid all the papers out on. I was trying to scan them quickly to see what it might be that he was researching.

G-Dragon.

It was written in bold letters, underlined, and highlighted. That was the name. G-Dragon was the person that my father wanted to find. Jiyong, the man that I thought was my best friend; the one who was going to use me to get to Joon. The one who…the one who wanted the man I loved dead.

“Chaerin, I want you to be as honest with me as you can. This isn’t about pointing the finger at anyone anymore. I just want to know the truth,” I gulped. I knew where this was going. He was going to ask about Joon and about all the things that had gone on recently. He had accounts of Joon and the rest of the family in a folder. I knew it was there. He knew everything that was going on. He just needed to make sure before he made any moves.

“Chaerin, are you a part of a gang called MBLAQ that is run by Lee Joon?”

My heart almost stopped. I knew then and there what I had to do. It was the only way I could think of to protect the boys and Bom unnie. I knew what I had to do and it scared me. I felt a sweat on my brow and took in a deep breath.

“Yes.”