I was still in Joon's arms, he wouldn't let me go and I wasn't sure if I wanted him to. I felt Joon pull me lightly by my shoulders and I knew he meant for me to stand up. I did so slowly and he put his arms around me again. I was breathing hard, my breaths coming out in shallow pants, my hand clenched on my chest. He led me towards the stairs and dragged me up; somehow my legs weren’t working properly.

Joon pulled me past G.O and Mir and I couldn’t care less what they thought of me. I was free, away from that man once more and I knew that this was an action I couldn't repeat. Not that I would, but the thought of returning to that room sent an uncontrollable fear through my body. I shivered in Joon's arms and he rubbed me down, keeping me warm. He pulled me into my room, dimly lighting the room. It must have been late in the day, as the light was dark from outside my window. Joon set me on my bed, laying me flat against the sheets.

 "I'm going to go get Bom, just – you'll be okay for a few minutes?"

He waited for my answer and I nodded my head, crawling into a ball. I couldn't get the sound of the man's voice from my head. I could feel his breath on my skin, could hear his voice in my ear, could feel the gun on my forehead. I sobbed into my pillow, covering my face with my hands.

I heard the rush of clothing before Joon was gone and Bom unnie had returned in his place. She petted my hair as I sobbed into her lap. She helped me change into pajamas, lying next to me.

She began to sing songs, mellow and sweet about hope and dreams. My tears had dried but the sinking feeling of desperation still wasn't gone. My eyes were heavier than I had remembered by the time Bom reached the 2nd verse of the song. She tucked me underneath the covers, kissing my forehead. She brushed my hair away from my face, sliding off the bed.

I was asleep within minutes.

It might have been 2 or 3 in the morning when I opened my eyes to complete darkness. That panicking feeling set in my stomach, in my heart.

"You're a goner." His voice repeated, "A goner."

I was frozen in bed, completely unable to move. I heard a rap on my window, a tap against the wall, a sound of shuffling clothing.

He couldn't be, I told myself, he couldn't be here. Dad had killed him, had killed him and promised me he was never going to hurt me again.

He was dead. He was dead.

But before I could completely understand what I was doing, I had scrambled out of my bed sheets, running across the room, slamming the door open before rushing down the hallway. I was completely unaware of where my legs were taking me, and before I realized what I was doing, I had opened the door to Joon's room.

I stepped inside, catching my breath. If Joon was asleep, it meant it was safe, it meant I was okay. I silently slipped across the room and kneeled in front of his bed. He was sleeping soundly, his breath moving his hair across his face. I shook him hard and he mumbled before falling asleep again.

I took a breath as I looked around the dark room. He might try to come again.

“I think he’s here again…” I choked out and shook him again. From all the crying I had done through the day, I’d thought that my tears had run out but they flowed once again down my face.

I heard him mumble something again before he rubbed his eyes, opening them to look at me.

“Chaerin, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice groggy and muffled. I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to speak again. Not about that man.

“Do you want me to go get Bom again?” he asked and got up from his bed. I stood and held him from walking out the door. I didn’t want him to leave me alone.

He looked back at me and I shook my head, sniffling and wiping the tears from my face. Bom unnie was the only one who could comfort me that easily but I felt safest with Joon. I wanted him with me. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. Ever.

I heard him sigh and felt his arms around me. I stood still, closing my eyes and letting him hold me again. I took in a breath, inhaling the little scent of cologne still on him.

“You want to stay here, then?” he asked, stepping back and trying to look at my face. I nodded.

He put me into his bed and covered me with the sheets. I looked at him as he sat down on the bed and placed a hand on my cheek.

“Try to sleep. I ain’t going anywhere so if you wake up again, know I’m here,” I saw him smile as the moonlight was shining on his face.

“You’re not going to sleep?” I asked in a whisper. I didn’t want him to stay sitting up through the night. I would rather have him sleep as well…even if it was going to be in the same bed.

“I’ll sleep on the chair. You sleep here.”

He got up and moved a chair he had next to the bed. I didn’t want him to sleep on a chair. This was his room, his bed. He shouldn’t be uncomfortable. I sat up a bit and gave him a small pout.

“Don’t sleep on the chair. It’s not comfortable…” I said, hoping he wouldn’t argue.

“Chaerin, just go to sleep. I’ve slept in more difficult positions before,” he laughed and sat down on the chair. I felt guilty again.

“I won’t mind if you sleep here. I trust you.”

And I meant those words. I knew he wouldn’t try to do anything. He didn’t seem like that type of person. I had thought of him as a jerk and mean person but he was actually a caring person. He showed himself to be a tough guy but he was kind hearted. He wouldn’t do anything to me after he promised that no one would hurt me.

“Chaerin…” he seemed tired.

“Please?” I asked and opened the covers so that he would be able to get inside.

Now don’t misunderstand, the bed wasn’t small. It had to have been about a king size. It was big enough for us to not feel uncomfortable and weird. I didn’t need a king size bed all to myself anyway.

Joon finally decided that I was right and climbed into the bed. I was definitely wrong.

It was awkward.

Joon had probably been in bed with girls before, but I had never been in the same bed as a man. The thought of that guy kept me from telling him that I was okay and going back to my own room. I couldn’t risk it just yet.

I heard humming. Was I doing it in my head? No, I would know if I was…

I turned to look at Joon to see if he heard it too and realized that he was the one. He then started to sing in a whisper. It was almost like a lullaby but I had never heard it before. His voice was so beautiful. I continued to look at him as he went on with the song. I felt my eyes getting heavier and within minutes, I was asleep.

I woke up to a heartbeat. It was steady and soothing. Whose heartbeat was this?

I felt an arm tighten around my shoulder and realized what had happened. I was with Joon. I wanted to quickly get off of him but that would wake him up. He didn’t have to know that we were in this position.

Oh man, my leg was over his body. I had definitely been snuggling up to him. This was not a good sign. No, no it was not. He took in a deep breath and I slowly lifted my head. Please don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.

I looked at him and saw him look down at me. He was awake. I quickly got off of him and held the sheets up to cover myself. Why did Bom unnie make me wear shorts and a tank top? I was practically in front of Joon!

“Morning,” he smirked and sat up, “sleep well?”

I looked down, almost burying my red face into the sheets and nodded. I didn’t want to look at him. I was too embarrassed to do so.

“I’ll leave so you can run to your room,” he said and got out of the bed. I glanced up at him and noticed that he was wearing black sweats with no shirt. That’s when I noticed the tattoo on his back. It was hard not to notice; it covered his whole back. There were the letters MBLAQ between his shoulders and a snake was raising from the small of his back and it wrapped around the letters with a vicious look in its eyes.

I saw him turn and I quickly looked away, using the sheets to cover my face again. I’d have to ask him later what it meant. Once I heard his bathroom door close, I dashed out of his room and headed for mine. Luckily, no one was awake yet and I got into my room safely. Imagine if one of them saw me leave Joon’s room?

I quickly dressed and for some reason, I had a smile on my face. I wasn’t scared anymore because nothing could happen to me during the day. The light let me see it all, everything around me. It was the nighttime I had to worry about. The time where I was vulnerable, where he would be able to get me easily…

Joon had decided that I was still going to be trained on schedule like how I normally would be. I didn’t mind though, I needed to be thinking about other things; concentrating rather than letting my mind wander.

Being with G.O was fine because Bom unnie was there to stop him when he got out of hand. Being with Thunder and Mir was better because they never held grudges. They made sure to not torture me too much and, of course, made me laugh it off with them. Never had I had a bad time with those two, maybe because we were around the same age.

The session with Seungho was what became awkward. I hadn’t spoken to him since I had asked for the favor. I didn’t know what had happened to him and I was afraid to find out. Joon didn’t seem like he would do anything to hurt Seungho. He had even called Seungho “hyung” for crying out loud. That seemed to be rare.

I walked in to the room and Seungho was waiting for me. I glanced at him and couldn’t bear to look. His face was bruised and there were a few cuts. I didn’t know how to confront him. I didn’t know what to say. Seungho, so kind hearted and giving, helped me escape and I never once thought about the consequences. He probably wouldn’t have told me anyway. I knew for a fact that if he could have taken all the blame, he would have. He was just that type of person; the way he took care of the other boys. He was the oldest man after all, even though Joon was the leader.

The moment I reached him, I bowed low, asking him to forgive me. I had to know if he did or not.

“Chaerin, what are you doing? Stand up straight,” he said.

I wouldn’t. I was going to stay in this position until he gave me an answer.

“Please forgive me. I was so selfish and never even thought about what might happen to you if you helped me. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t stop myself from talking and telling him that I was sorry. I heard him chuckle.

“Chaerin, I was never mad at you for it. I knew it would happen and I helped you. You should be the one mad at me for not warning you about it,” he held me from my shoulders and pulled me up to look at him.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. I didn’t know what else to say. It’s not like I could just get mad at him. This was Seungho we were talking about. I don’t think anyone could get mad at him. Or if they did, stay mad for a long time.

“Let’s just go on with today’s lesson, shall we?” he smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back a little. If nobody else’s smiles were contagious, his definitely were.

The lesson with Joon was awkward. I had thought that facing Seungho was going to be bad but facing Joon after this morning was worse. Sleeping on top of a man and then getting into a room with him for an hour was not a good mix. He was the first man to take my kiss and the first to sleep in the same bed with me. The moment I walked into the room and saw him waiting, my heart began to beat faster. This wasn’t right.

I should have wanted to hit him for putting me through all that crap; should have wanted to yell at him for having to go over the top with someone who’s not even used to any of the gang related things. But I couldn’t. And I knew he wouldn’t apologize now that I was sane enough to realize what was going on. But my heartbeat went faster the closer he came.

“You ready for today’s lesson?” he asked once I had walked in near enough for him to speak in a normal tone. I nodded.

“Good. Well today you’re just going to be shooting at targets, moving ones; nothing too hard and nothing too simple. I want to see if you’re going to get any better,” he handed me the gun I had been using and began walking towards the target practice area.

He turned everything on and then walked away. I was confused, why was he leaving? I turned to look at where he was going and saw him pull up a chair and sit.

“I’m just going to be watching today.”

That explained it. I shrugged and turned back around and held up the gun to shoot. I was about the pull the trigger when I started feeling uneasy.

What was he going to say? Was he going to criticize me if I did anything wrong?

I held up my gun at the moving targets and tried to aim. It was way too difficult with the moving targets. I couldn’t figure out which one to shoot at. By this point, Joon should have been next to me, yelling at me that I was being too slow, he would’ve taken my gun and shown me how “easy” it was to do it and then yelled at me some more. But there was none of that. I glanced back and saw him looking. Just looking. No emotion on his face at all. This was just getting weird.

I held the gun tighter, pointed at a target, followed it for a few seconds and then pulled the trigger. I missed. I was disappointed and tried again, and again, and again. I kept missing and was about to give up when I heard Joon sigh. I turned to him. Was he going to scold me? Maybe he couldn’t take being too nice.

“Just think: those targets are out to hurt your family. You wanna kill ‘em, make them know that you ain’t playin’ around. They hurt those you love, you gon’ hurt them back twice as bad.”

Hurt my family? I thought of my mom and dad, my brother. What if someone tried to kill them? I wouldn’t let that happen. Now that I was learning how to handle a gun, I would definitely make them pay. I tried thinking harder about those I would want to protect. Jiyong, if someone tried to hurt him, I wouldn’t let them get away. Mir and Thunder crossed my mind, then Bom unnie, smiling and laughing. I wouldn’t let…

Wait, no, Joon said someone that’s like family to me…they weren’t family…

I shook my head and pointed at the target. This one tried to kill my mother. He wasn’t gonna live to see tomorrow. Not after trying to kill her.

“Die,” I muttered and pulled the trigger.

The target fell back and I couldn’t help but smile widely and turn to Joon. My smile quickly turned to a pout when I saw he wasn’t amused or happy at all. He motioned with his head for me to turn my attention to the targets.

Gee, thanks for the encouragement.

The session with Joon was finally over and I was happy to get out of the room. I walked out to see a very happy Bom unnie waiting for me.

“Chaerin! Go get ready!” she said and started pulling me out of the basement.

“What for…?” I was definitely confused. What was I getting ready for?

“We’re going to go out for dinner in celebration of you learning 50% of what you have to know!” she exclaimed.

Going out to eat? Celebration of me learning 50%? I knew she had to have been the one who planned it. None of the others would think of doing that till I was done learning fully.

Wait, only 50% was what I had learned?? That meant there was much more to go and I was already tired of it all. What else could they possibly have to teach me?

Bom unnie pushed me into my room and opened closet. She started rummaging through clothes and eventually pulled out some jeans and a top.

“What’re you doing waiting around? Go shower!” she then pushed me into the bathroom.

When I was finished, I saw that my clothes were ready and so I got dressed, hoping we wouldn’t be out for too long. We were still in Korea and someone I knew was bound to see me somewhere. I just hoped not today. I wouldn’t be ready for it.

I headed out of my room and the rest of them were ready, waiting for me so we could all leave. We walked out the front door and there were two cars waiting for us. Seungho walked to one and Joon walked to another. I chose to sit in the car Joon wasn’t going to. It was too awkward to be with him in a car even if there were going to be others in there. I opened the back door to Seungho’s car and sat next to Mir. Bom unnie and G.O were sitting with Joon and Mir and Thunder were with Seungho. They started driving to the place we were going to be. I assumed it was going to be a club.

“I’m excited! We rarely go out to eat for celebration!” Mir exclaimed next to me with a huge grin on his face.

I wanted to pinch his cheeks again, like the first day but decided I shouldn’t and clasped my hands together.

“Hyung, hyung, are you excited? I’m excited,” he said and sat back, turning to me with a smile. I couldn’t help it anymore.

“Why are you so cute?!” I exclaimed and pinched his cheeks.

“YAH!” he yelled and pushed my hands away, “I’m not cute!”

Seungho and Thunder started laughing and I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me. Mir pouted at me and crossed his arms across his chest. It was his fault for being so cute.

It didn’t take long before Seungho parked his car next to Joon’s. We all got out and started walking to the club. Hah, I was right.

The bouncer took one look at Joon and Seungho and opened the door for us. I assumed they were famous here. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if they actually owned the place.

Joon led us to the VIP section and we all took our seats. I was in between G.O and Thunder. Thunder was fine; it was G.O I was still worried about. I saw him glance at me and roll his eyes before he started talking with the others.

A waiter came and took our orders (it really didn’t feel like we were in a club) and we talked as we waited for our food to come. I began to notice how close they were, as if they really were brothers with their older sister. I couldn’t help but start to feel out of place when Thunder nudged me and handed me a pen.

“It’s one of those pens that shock people,” he whispered into my ear, “make G.O hyung use it.”

I was dumbfounded and stared at Thunder as if he were crazy. Mir, who was sitting across from Thunder, began nodding. I knew it, they were the youngest and the jokesters of the bunch, and now they wanted me to be in on it too. I shook my head to decline. I was not going to get on G.O’s bad side. Well, I already was…but I wasn’t going to get onto his hit list, assuming I wasn’t on it already.

“Come on!” Mir mouthed and I shook my head again.

“What are you two trying to force her to do?” Seungho to the rescue! Tun tuh nun nuuuun~ (that’s hero music, if you didn’t catch that).

“Nothing,” Thunder said and started drinking from his glass of water.

“Why do you assume I’m in on it too?” Mir asked, making sure to give Seungho his “innocent” look.

Seungho shook his head and smiled.

“Don’t give in to them. You’ll be in trouble if you do what they say,” he warned me. I nodded.

Our food came and we all started eating right away. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until my food was right in front of me. Then I remembered, I hadn’t eaten since my training started.

Bom unnie decided she wanted to dance and grabbed my hand, stating that she didn’t want to dance alone and began leading me down to the dance floor with her. Yes! Oh, I guess I never mentioned it, but I love dancing. It always made me feel free and forget all the bad things that were going on in my life. We hit the dance floor and I let the music take over my body. Bom unnie was a pretty good dancer herself.

I felt a hand on my waist and immediately stopped dancing. I let the music take control, but I was still in my correct mind to know that I was being touched. I took his hand off my waist and turned to him, telling him that I wasn’t comfortable with him touching me.

“I just wanna dance, baby!” he exclaimed, obviously drunk. He took the opportunity and pulled me closer to him. This man was gonna get punched if he didn’t let go.

I pushed him away and started to walk away when he pulled me by my arm and held me close to his body. Ew, I could smell the alcohol mixed with cologne off of him and tried to push away again.

“Aww, come on, don’t be like that. Let’s just have fun,” he smirked.

“She doesn’t wanna have ‘fun’ with you,” I heard a voice and was pulled away from the man into someone else. His touch felt familiar and it took me a second to realize that it was Joon. I suddenly felt calmer and a sense of energy came over me. I knew there was a reason why I felt safe with him. I could trust him to protect me.

“Woah, man, calm down. I didn’t know she had a boyfriend with a stick up his ,” the man started laughing and only then did I realize that he had a few friends behind him.

His laughter was a taunting one and I knew Joon would want to pull out his gun and shoot him. That’s when Seungho came to the rescue; he knew how to get Joon to leave.

“They’re not worth it, Joon. Let’s go, we have better things to do than to deal with low lives like them,” he said low and quickly. I assumed it was because he didn’t want the men to hear and start a fight. Good thinking, Seungho. I knew he was the rational one.

Joon was still holding on to me and so pulled me with him when Seungho pulled him away. We went back to the VIP room that we were in and Joon punched the wall.

“ them man, not again. I’m pissed. Let’s get out of here before I change my mind and go blow their heads off.”

G.O had already given his card to the waiter and picked up the pen from the table to sign it. Oh no, that was the –

“!!” he exclaimed and dropped the pen, Mir and Thunder high fived and started laughing. They were good.

We picked up our belongings and we left using the back door. I was glad nothing bad happened. It would’ve been a disaster if Joon had retaliated before Seungho came to calm him down. We stopped at the alleyway from the back because Bom unnie thought she forgot her cell phone. She was looking through her purse to make sure she had it but it was too dark to see so it was taking longer than usual.

I almost laughed when G.O started trying to help Bom unnie find her cell phone. He started digging through her purse and got a few hits on his arm along with a stern ‘go help someone else.’ He gave her a quick pout but continued to stay next to her. There was something between them. I would ask her later about that. She wouldn’t lie to me. I think.

I heard Mir’s laughter; he had given the pen Joon and dared him to write ‘I love Mir’ on his hand. Of course, Joon wouldn’t give up a dare and clicked the pen immediately. Thunder and Seungho joined in on the laughter while Joon tried hard to be mad. He gave up and smiled.

I started looking around and glanced at the end of the alleyway. What happened next seemed like a dream. No, a nightmare.

I heard a gunshot.

“Hyung! Watch out!” I heard Mir’s panicked voice.

I saw that bullet. I saw it when it came out of that gun and it hit the back of Mir. I saw it like it was in slow motion, like it was something I could have stopped with my own hands if only I’d been fast enough.

I saw Mir go down into the arms of Joon. He held him, a shocked look on his face. It all happened too fast.

Mir, he was hurt. Someone shot him. I turned to look at the men and reached for the gun that was not sitting in the holster on my waist like at practice. I wanted to hurt them. I was ready to run at them when I heard more gunshots and someone yanked my arm.

Thunder was shooting at the men and I saw the one who shot Mir dodge the bullet that was heading straight for his heart. It grazed the top of his shoulder.

Before we all knew it, Thunder and G.O were shooting back the men.

I saw Mir’s blood, I saw it on Joon’s hands as he was trying to figure out what to do. He wasn’t in his right mind. They were his weakness.

Seungho pulled Joon up, holding Mir close as they pulled his dead, no, no, God no, unconscious body behind the dumpster. Bom unnie pulled me from where I was standing behind it with them. She had found her phone and was dialing while holding a gun with her other hand.

Seungho had joined in with the shooting and Joon continued to hold Mir’s body, the blood flowing onto his clothes.

“We have to stop the blood flow,” I said and began taking off my jacket. His face was pale but more determined and a lot scarier than I imagined. He probably didn’t hear many of the words I said that night; probably because of the immense echo of bullets.

I didn’t know what was going to happen at that point. Mir was hurt badly.

We heard police sirens and the other men ran off. Joon and I had successfully wrapped my jacket and his shirt around Mir’s wound. Seungho and G.O picked up Mir’s body and Thunder held Joon’s arm, Bom unnie grabbing mine as we ran to the cars. We were heading home before the cops had even reached the area.

At that moment, I hadn’t realized that before meeting them, before having to join their gang and learn their lifestyle, I knew that cops meant safety. The only thought I had then was: if they catch us now, Mir might not survive.

I was sitting in back with Joon. He was holding Mir.

“Chulyong? CHULYONG. You have to stay awake. Don’t close your eyes.” Joon was rocking Mir in his arms. Mir’s hand was warm in my own, and for the moment that was keeping me sane.

“Chulyong-ah, you have to stay awake, just hold on. We’re almost ho—Chulyong? Chulyong you have to – Seungho, drive faster. Please drive faster.”

I felt the car speed up and noticed the familiar buildings. We were close to home. Mir was going to get help. He was going to survive. We pulled into our street and Mir’s breathing suddenly starting coming out in shallow pants. No, he wasn’t going to go like this. Not when he was so young, there was so much more to his life. So much he needed to learn, I needed to learn from him. He was so young, God couldn’t be so cruel. He wouldn’t. Joon pulled him from the seat as Bom swung the door open.

Mir’s hand slowly slipped from mine.

Oh, God, no.