Black. It was the color of my clothes. The color of everyone's clothes as we stood in the cemetery, waiting for the burial. Tears were streaming down my face and there was no way they would stop soon. It seemed that there would be no way they would ever stop.

Pain. I had come to know pain much too well in the past months and even more so these last few days. A loss is always hard to comprehend. It's always hard to accept. More so is it harder to take in the loss of a parent, my father. The loss of a friendship, Jiyong.

"Daddy..." I choked out as they began to lower his casket into the ground. My mother hugged me close and I turned my face into her shoulder as we both sobbed quietly. My brother draped an arm around both me and our mom. Life would never be the same.

My father was gone.

I blamed Jiyong.

I blamed Joon.

---

    It’s been 3 months since the funeral. I moved back to LA with my mother and brother. It was a bittersweet moment when I said goodbye to MBLAQ. They didn’t try to stop me. I couldn’t be apart from my family any more than I already had. Being apart turned my family upside down. I couldn’t let that happen again.

I still loved Joon. I stopped blaming him for my father’s death. We didn’t speak much in the days that I spent packing and getting ready to leave. It was hard on him. I knew it was, but I couldn’t stay, not even for him. Maybe it wasn’t the kind of love I always read about or watched movies about. The kind where you will do anything to be with that person. We were only together for a few months, I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal. My family needed me now. I couldn’t leave them again.

    I also stopped blaming Jiyong. But as much as I didn’t blame him, he was the one who pulled the trigger. My father fought hard in the hospital for days before he couldn’t anymore. Jiyong was the one who shot him and so the proper consequences had to be taken. He was in prison now, I found out from Bom unnie, for life.

Bom unnie reached out to me first a few weeks ago and I never felt so happy to talk to someone. I couldn’t bring myself to keep in contact with any of the others. She and I mainly texted, I was glad that we were on good terms with each other. She gave me updates on how the boys were doing and what she was up to. She was going to open up a restaurant soon, the complete legal way, without any gang-related help. She was excited and I was so happy for her. She mentioned that after the incident with my father and Jiyong, MBLAQ hadn’t done any more illegal things and that they were all trying to live honestly. I was proud of them for that. It was time that they finally ran after their dreams and became the good people I knew they were. The good people that I came to love.

    ---

I began training in America to become a criminal detective. My father was now the person that I was striving to be. His courage and his morals were something that I wanted to keep alive in me. I never thought that I would have such a quick change of passion and a drive to become something. My mom cried when I told her. She hugged me and said how my father always wished that either me or brother would follow in his steps and become a detective. She was so proud that I would now fulfil his wishes even though he would not be here to witness it physically.

My training distracted me from missing my father too much. He, instead, became my motivation. He was constantly talked about in the academy; his cases were discussed and studied.Everything that we did, I was reminded of him and Joon. I was reminded of the last days that we spent together and there were times that it became mentally draining. Times that I would almost want to give up and move myself far away from anything that brought back those memories. But I knew that I had to be strong. I wanted to become a detective and live like my father. I thought of him and what he stood for and it pushed me to continue. The physical training almost meant nothing to my body as I had gone through such tough training with MBLAQ. I couldn’t help but thank them internally for training me the way that they did. If I ever saw them again, I would definitely have to thank them. But for now, all I could do was be happy that I went through what I did with them.

They called me CL in the academy, a name that they thought they had come up with, combining the the first letters of my first and last name. It started off as a joke, something that they started calling me because the group I was apart of had an AJ, CJ, BB, DJ, and a GG. I didn’t think it would stick, hoping it would die down after a while; it was the reason why I didn't argue against it in the first place. They all had called me by my first name anyway and I assumed they'd go back to it soon. But after days and weeks, the nickname went around and suddenly the trainers were even calling me CL. I would have lied if I said that my heart didn’t hurt from hearing it, but I didn’t want to argue against it at this point. I didn't want to explain any reasoning against it. I thought of Joon constantly when someone would call me CL. No matter how used to it I was now, I would always feel a slight pain in my heart hearing it. I couldn’t seem to fully leave the past behind me.

I would update Bom on how training was going and when I was finally done, she had arranged for flowers and a cake to be delivered to my house. I kept thinking that I had to go and visit her. But that would mean seeing the boys again. Not that I didn’t want to see them in the first place, but it would be hard to. Cutting them off immediately wasn’t something that I had planned to do, but there are times that life makes you go crazy and do things you never thought imaginable. I would never forget the boys. Ever.

---

It’s been 2 years since I became a detective. I never realized that I would have loved it as much as I do. My body and mind have changed so much. I’ve become stronger and wiser in my actions and thoughts. We have saved so many people from high profile criminals and although that's reward enough for doing my job, I am happy that I have grown as well.

I still live with my mom. There is no way that I can leave her alone. My brother got married and his wife is now 7 months pregnant with their first child. Our mother couldn’t be more excited to be a grandmother as the birth date nears us so quickly. This was the kind of change that our family needed. A new life to be introduced to us.

---

Another year has passed. I step off the plane in a familiar setting as I look around at the airport and the people. South Korea. I take in a deep breath and my teammates walk out behind me.

“CL, it's your home country, isn’t it?” one of them asks, nudging me with his elbow. I nod with a laugh as another says, “you’re definitely going to have to help us out!”

“Nah, I’ll leave you guys to fend for yourselves. Or I’ll leave it to Dara and Minji to help you,” I joked, receiving a collective “hey!!” from the girls while the rest of the team laughed and we made our way through the airport.

I met Dara and Minji in the academy. They were both Korean and we bonded pretty quickly. They were just as determined to make it through the training and we made sure to help each other out with anything. We were so happy when we were put in the same team and even more so when they told us we’d be heading to Korea for some team bonding.

“So, I remember you mentioning that it was going to be hard coming back to Korea. How are you feeling?” Minji asks, walking next to me, a look of concern on her face.

“I’ll be fine, I think. I haven’t been here in what seems like forever. It’s kind of nice to be back!” I answer and give her a reassuring smile. She smiles back and I know she’s feeling less worried about me being here.

We go to our hotel rooms and Dara, Minji, and I decide to share a room since we are the only girls in our group of 10. We all quickly leave everything in our rooms so that we can go out to eat afterwards. We are all starving from the flight and no one wants to stay in.

Our night is filled with food and drinks and laughter as we all talk about our experiences in different countries and our lives. By the end of the night, about 70% of the team is drunk and we all decide it’s time to head back to the hotel rooms to get some rest. Tomorrow was going to be filled with sightseeing and learning about the Korean culture. I almost wanted to ask if I could be exempt, but I knew this whole experience was to bring out team closer together. And what better way to become closer than to learn about some of our cultures?

We finally get back to the hotel rooms and everyone falls asleep almost instantly. I want to take a walk outside, but knowing that Minji and Dara are worried about me, I have to leave quietly, which isn’t too hard since they are snoring away.

I finally step outside and night breeze feels so refreshing. I begin walking aimlessly, letting my feet take me wherever. There are still people walking around with friends and laughing. Some of them are helping their drunk friends into a cab. I didn’t realize how much I missed being here.

I stop in front of a cafe that I would frequent when I was attending university here. It’s a 24 hour cafe and so I head inside. Maybe a warm drink will help me to relax and possibly fall asleep. I order a hot chocolate and sit at a table, taking out my tablet and working on a few things from work. Might as well get some work done while there is no one to distract me. They bring me my drink and I continue to work, blocking almost everything out in order to concentrate.

“Chaerin?”

I freeze. That voice is familiar. No one in my team calls me by my name so I know it is none of them. My heart drops. I don’t want to turn around. I don’t know if I can handle seeing him. I can’t.

“Chaerin, is that you?” I hear him ask quietly.

Nothing could prepare me for this sudden meeting. Nothing could ever prepare my heart for this situation. I take a deep breath and turn around. My heart drops and I feel my eyes sting. No no no no. This is not what was supposed to happen. How can I let my feelings get the best of me?

“Joon,” I breathe out, noticing now that I had been holding my breath. He smiles; I melt. I haven’t spoken his name in so long.

“Wow, Chaerin…” he can’t get his words together and I almost feel relieved that he seems to be at a loss for words as much as I am.

“H-how are you?” I force myself to speak a coherent sentence.

He doesn’t respond but continues to look at me, his smile still plastered on his face. I see him take in a breath, chuckle, and all of a sudden, I am enveloped in his arms and he’s holding me close.

“I’ve missed you so much, Chaerin. I’ve missed you so much,” he mutters in my ear.

And that does it. I am in tears. So much emotion comes rushing back to me and I can’t keep it in anymore. I wrap my arms around him as well and hold him tight. I’ve missed him too. As much as I tried to tell myself that I didn’t, that I'm over him, I clearly couldn’t lie to myself very well. I missed his hugs. I missed his voice. I missed his laugh. I missed his scent. I missed him so very much.

“Me too, Joon…” I whisper through my tears.

He pulls me back and looks into my eyes, “are you crying??” he asks, grinning widely.

“Shut up,” I laugh and he pulls me back into the hug.

By now, the whole cafe (all 5 people that were in there) is looking at us. Clearly we’ve drawn a lot of attention towards us with the crying and hugging. I ask if he wants to sit with me and he, without hesitation, says yes. He orders coffee and as we begin talking, it’s almost as if 3 years hasn’t passed. He tells me of his dreams of becoming an actor, that he wishes he can become a Hollywood star. How he wishes to be in a world where the only thing he needs to be afraid of is paparazzi spreading a story about him. I tell him of my current job and he tells me that I am the perfect fit for the job. That my attitude and morals will always lead me in the right direction, no matter how hard it is. As the night grows old, we decide it’s time to go home.

“Come home with me, Chaerin. Come see the boys and noona again?” he asks.

“I can’t do that, Joon…” I start and see the sadness and understanding in his eyes.

“It would be too hard, wouldn’t it? I’m sorry I asked. That was insensitive of me,” he apologizes quickly and before I could respond, he adds, “but please tell me we can see each other again? Before you leave, at least?”

I nod. I want to see him again. I want to see him tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. But I don’t tell him that. I tell him that I will get in touch with him when I can. We exchange phone numbers, his hasn’t changed. As much as I refuse, he insists on walking me back to the hotel. You know all too well that, as capable as you are of defending yourself, I couldn’t let you walk back by yourself, he says. I laugh and finally agree to let him walk with me.

The walk is quiet but not in the smallest bit awkward. It’s refreshing to walk with him by my side and just being in each other’s presence. I couldn’t think of the last time I had been this comfortable walking with someone. The walk ends much too soon as I see the hotel coming up in the next block.

“Well, this is it,” I say, looking up at the building and then to Joon.

“I’ll uh...I guess I’ll see you later? Whenever you can?” he asks.

I nod and he pulls me into another hug. I hug him back and I don’t want to let go, almost telling him that I want to see him tomorrow, that I'll skip out on the group events that were planned. But I can't do that; I keep it in. I was the one who broke off the relationship, I couldn't just go back and expect everything to be same as before. He pulls back a bit and smiles at me before planting a quick kiss on my forehead and tells me to go inside, that he’ll wait until I’m through the doors before he leaves. He’s still as protective as ever, I can't help thinking. I wave goodbye and walk to the hotel, walking in through the doors and turning to watch him leave. He lingers in front for a moment before I see him smile and begin to walk away.

As I turn to walk up to the hotel room, my phone vibrates.

"Can you come back outside?"

I read the message and can't help but smile to myself. I turn right back around and go outside. I wonder what he's going to say? I see him standing in the front again and he smiles when he sees me.

"What's up?" I inquire and before I could even put my thoughts together to ask anything else, I feel his lips on mine. My mind races and I almost don't know how to respond. I know that I can kiss him back, but I'm so confused and so many memories begin flooding my mind. It's so sudden. But all too soon, he's pulled back and seems to be studying my face.

"I'm sorry," he says, when I don't say anything, "I shouldn't have done that..."

"I guess you'll always be a stupid, kissing jerk," I say, remembering when he first ever kissed me. He was drunk when he did it and I was so furious with him. I even slapped him for being snarky and asking if it was my first kiss.

"What?" He asks and I burst out laughing. The same response he gave back then is the response he had now as well.

"A stupid, kissing jerk," I repeat, a wide smile on my face as I see him wondering where in the world I came up with that phrase. And then it hits him, I see his eyes lighten up and now he's laughing too.

"How did you even remember something like that? Those were some pretty tough days," I can tell that he's reminiscing about the times we were together.

"I'm good at remembering important things in my life," I say quietly, almost hoping he didn't hear me.

"Chaerin...can we...? Never mind."

"You can't do that, Joon. What were you going to ask?" I expect him to argue against it. To tell me that it's not important and that we should meet up again. I expect him to say goodbye and leave.

"Do you think we can start over?"

I didn't know what I was expecting him to ask, but it was definitely not that question. I didn't think that he would want to start over. Not the way that I left him. I know that he said he missed me and showed that he still cared, but I didn't expect him to want to start over again so soon. I didn't know that I would want to start over again so soon.

"Yes," I respond, "yes, I really think we can," I smile widely. Maybe this trip wasn't such a bad idea after all. All the bad that happened here was now just a memory. And here, right in front of me, stood the boy that I fell in love with. The relationship back then was unhealthy and wrong and maybe that's why everything happened how it did. We both needed to have time away from each other; to grow as our own people before we could understand what it meant to be together.

He smiled that beautiful smile of his and pulled me in for a hug.

"It may be too early in the relationship," I could hear the smile in his voice, "but, Lee Chaerin, I love you."

"I love you, too," the words flow naturally from my lips, as if they were waiting to be spoken to him.

The future holds many possibilities. As he strives to become an actor and I a successful criminal detective, I know that we will always end up together. We will always be together. I had left him once with the thought that I would never see him again, that life would be easier then. But now, being wrapped in his arms, I know that this is where I want to be. No matter what country, no matter what circumstance, I want to be with Joon.

I love him.