"When a person is born we rejoice, and when they're married we jubilate, but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened." Margaret Mead.

No. 

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." C.S. Lewis.

It's just...

"For some moments in life there are no words." David Seltzer.

I have no words.

No inhibitions.

No mother.

No...anything

Nothing.

"It's going to be okay, Tae. Everything is going to be okay." But it won't. Your afraid to tell me the truth. 

Please tell me truth.

"They said she didn't feel anything."

"She's in a better place."

"She loved you so much." 

Stop lying to me.

"She will be missed by many."

"We're so sorry, Tae Ah. We know how much your mother meant to you."

"STOP LYING TO ME!" I yelled, gripping the hem of my grey sweater. "She's not in a better place because she was a bad person. She is in hell! DO YOU HEAR ME?" I snap at my father. "The only reason that didn't feel anything was because she was intoxicated, like always! Don't give me that 'it was painless' !" I didn't mean to curse at Haneul.

"She didn't love me and I sure as hell never loved her. That drunk ! She was worthless! And you all miss her like that women like you knew her. I knew her! None of you have the right to tell me all this bull like it's going to help. It's not!" I took in a harsh breath. 

Yixing through me a soft gaze, "What do you want us to tell you?" Everyone meet my eyes carefully. Haneul and Ae Rin were crying softly in Appa's embrace. Sehun and Inwoo stood awkwardly against  emergency room walkway. In Ri is sitting in a stiff, green chair in the corner and Yixing was advancing towards me slowly. 

"Tell me that I have every right to be angry with her. Tell me it's okay to miss someone that didn't give a about me. Tell me to be happy because I know longer have to worry if the guy she's sleeping with is treating her right. Tell me anything as long as it's the truth." 

I don't wanna cry.

***

The funeral took place five days later. 

I didn't go. 

It's difficult losing someone because other's don't quite know what to do. Do they make jokes hoping you will laugh or just sit there quietly while you cry on their shoulder?

Death is awkward. 

***

"Hey." In Ri comes into my room tentatively. 

I nod because it's all I can give. She accepts it because she knows that's all I can give. 

"What did you do today?" she asks tentatively. 

"The same as yesterday." 

She sighs. I'm drowning her in sadness, in my sadness. 

"You should go."

"Tae look..."

"Good-bye."

"Tae Ah liste..."

"Go. Away." 

She slammed the door on her way out. Another person gone. 

Please dry my eyes. 

***

"I can't take it anymore!" 

I peak into the kitchen, listen to Haneul talk over the phone. 

"I don't understand her. She won't talk. She won't eat. What are we suppose to do? What am I suppose to do?"

It'd be so much easier on me if I actually knew myself. 

"I am being patient. I'm trying, I really am. But I just don't understand why she's taking this so hard."

No matter what you do, you'll never understand. 

"I know it was her mom but..." she looked around the kitchen as her voice softened to a whisper, "her mother didn't even love her."

I harsh gasp falls from my mouth. 

"I might sound evil but it's true. The woman didn't even try to contact the girl since she's been with us. Why care about someone who found you so insignificant..."

Liar.

"useless..."

No.

"unwanted."

"No." I choke out. 

Haneul turns in such a sloppy, rapid motion the phone in her hand came tumbling to the floor as she trembled. Her eyes were cautious and wary. Other than the crack in my voice, there was no show of emotion. 

"How long hav..."

"Because she is my mother. That's why I care." 

I ran into my room and locked myself away. 

The family had dinner that night.

I didn't leave the room.

I'm falling down. 

***

It's just a tiny prick. Quite painless when you really think about it. 

The adrenaline. I love feeling weightless. I like the high, there's never a crash. 

It's beautiful silver color, polished and pointed, is inviting. Preplexing. 

I love how it collides and settles against my blood. The red liquid lazily sleeps upon the razor blade as it comes into contact with my skin. 

Three. 

Four. 

I can't think of any reasons to stop. This makes everything alright, cutting makes everything alright. 

I stare into the webcam as I press the red button. 

"It's not your fault. You loved me.

It's not my fault. That I can't feel.

I'm barely even human at all.

I have no heart."

Five. 

Six.

"Each of the lines are for each of you. 

Because I care about you all enough to let you go. To let you be happy. 

You won't be happy with me. I drag you down. 

I only know how to drag you down." 

Seven. 

Eight. 

"See you later."

Without you I'm falling down.

***

Sehun's POV

Two years have gone painfully. 

Everyone began to waste away, eaten out by guilt. 

Umma blames herself, saying she triggered her suicide. 

Yixing hyung moved back to China, seeking the comforts of his native land where nobody knew of the girl he loved that slipped away. 

Appa is in therapy, crumbling into shambles of the mess he believes he's made out of a seventeen year old girl. 

In Ri still atends school, though her eyes are dead and every so often her eyes gaze over at Tae Ah's old seat. 

I'm probably taking it the best. 

"Your not taking another shot. I mean it this time."

"Aw! Come on, hyung!" I push Suho's hand off my shoulder and reach for my drink. 

"No, I'm tired of this. Taking you to bars, watching you drink yourself into obliviousness, and carrying you home once your spent. Not tonight. Tonight, your going to deal with this."

I scoff. "With what?"

"With her suicide." 

I shrug but my eyes betray me because he places a hand on my shoulder once more. This time it's gentle.

"I hate...hated her so much. She was so strong minded and wise. It was like she saw right through everyone. But she was weak. Not brave enough to stand the loneliness, the sadness of being so alone." I take in a deep breath. "Which makes no sense to me because we all loved her. We cared about her so much and she selfishly left us all behind."

"She was in a bad place Sehunnie. The video. Remember how broken she looked. Suicide was probably her only solution at the time." Suho reasoned.

"Why couldn't she just talk to us?" I ask miserably.

Suho gazes on me softly, "She's a bird, a caged bird. She's been locked away so long by herself. Even if she were to talk to you, she'd only be crying out to you from the confines of those bars. This... terrible act was her way of breaking down those bars and being free."

I nod feebly, not wanting to accept what he's saying might be true.

"Let's just go home, hyung."

"Sure, Sehunnie."

 ----------------------------------------------------------------

So the awkward moment when your so caught up in your y high school life and you don't realise your incomplete story says complete. So this is for old times sake. Just wanting to finish up. Life is getting too much too soon. I ing hate people...DAMN YOU MAROON 5!

On a happier note, Infinite's Man in Love is the ! So comment or you know...don't. It's your choice really. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me. It's been wild and prolonged~ But we made it. Proud of you! *Giving you my heart to take with you wherever you go, so that your never alone.* 

d(^~^)b LilyLycan B.