Heechul scratched at the mark on his skin, frowning. The little red dot on his pale skin reminded him off the days spent sweating and complaining on a drip in the hospital bed. They’d removed Kyuhyun an hour after he’d woken up; Heechul had pitched a fit when they started to roll him away. His hand try to hang onto Kyuhyun’s as the drip attached to his skin had started coming out, causing him to cry. Kyuhyun’s eyes went wide as they focused on Heechul, Kyuhyun’s Appa was hugging the distressed boy while the doctors sedated him to let him rest further. Heechul hadn’t been aloud visit Kyuhyun, being confined to his room for three days until the doctors declared him stable. Heechul huffed, watching as people wandered past the out window of the van. Couples holding hands, parents crying, children looking scared as they entered or exited the doors of the Gangnam hospital. Heechul played with the ends of his scarf. His heart aching as he waited. He hadn’t had the courage to bring himself to visit Kyuhyun after he got released, he’d tried. He’d spent hours outside the younger’s door. Listening to the members tell Kyuhyun that he was loaded down with schedules, that Lee Sooman was trying to get in as much screen time for him  as he could before the court case began. Heechul had spent hours curled up on the floor of his bedroom, Kyuhyun’s jumper on, crying from fear of losing the other. Donghae had often stayed with him those nights, dragging Eunhyuk with him. The two boys wrapping their arms around Heechul, trying to reassure him of Kyuhyun’s feelings.

     The van door slid open, voices filling the air. Heechul gulped, pulling his knees to his chest in fear as Donghae’s head came into view around the door. He offered Heechul a small smile that he didn’t return as he stared at him. ‘Hey, Kyu there’s someone here to see you but they’re a bit shy’ Donghae’s words were teasing to Heechul’s ears as he moved aside. Heechul could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his throat and mouth going dry as he heard the voice he’d longed for and dreamt about for the last three weeks. ‘Oh is there? I was hoping that someone…never mind’ he could hear Kyuhyun sighing. Heechul kept quiet, pressing his cheek against the wall of the van and closing his eyes. That way he wouldn’t have to face him, not yet. He didn’t know what the younger would remember or what he’d say. Hell, he didn’t even know if Kyuhyun still wanted to be around him. They’d never gotten around to talking about what was going to happen between them, he knew from talking to Sungmin that during the first week he started to remember leaving Beijing but all he knew about the incident was what he’d been told by the members and his parents. ‘Careful of your arm Kyu’ Sungmin scolded as he ushered Kyuhyun into the van ‘Can I take the blindfold off now Hyung’s?” Kyuhyun pouted, letting Sungmin lower him into the back seat of the van. Sungmin gave Heechul a smile, glancing at the blindfolded boy now by his side. ‘Me and Donghae will be in the front, I’m driving, I wanted to give you so space with Kyuhyunnie’ Sungmin smiled, laughing at how confused the maknae got as he reached out to try grab his best friend as Sungmin slid the door shut.

         Heechul gulped, hands shaking slightly as he reached up to run a hand through Kyuhyun soft curls that had grown longer once again. Kyuhyun sighed softly, letting out a whimper of annoyance as he turned his blindfolded eyes towards Heechul. Heechul smiled softly, reaching back to undo the blindfold. Kyuhyun blinked, long eyelashes brushing his soft cheeks as he adjusts to the darkness of the back of the van. Soft brown hazel eyes landed on Heechul’s face, widening with surprise and flooding with thousands of emotions. Kyuhyun swallowed, reaching a small hand out to caress Heechul’s soft cheek, chuckling softly ‘you’re…you’re really here…’ Heechul nodded, resisting the urge to cry at the tender look in the younger’s eyes that washed away the fear that had flood his mind moments before. He covered Kyuhyun’s hand with his own, turning his head to kiss Kyuhyun’s palm softly, ‘It’s me Kyuhyun. I’m so sorry. I’ve been such a bad boy-, I mean Hyung’. Kyuhyun’s eyes saddened slightly at Heechul’s change of words. He linked there hands, resting them on his thigh as he gazed at his lap, ‘Heechul. I don’t remember everything but I know what happened. Right now…now I just want my Heenim. The one that would hold me and kiss, that was always complaining when I was away for too long…I just…I just want to pretend that this didn’t happen until I remember exactly what happened but right now, I know I trust you but if those memories come back then I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust you but I know I need you by my side right now’. Heechul’s jaw trembled with tears that wanted to spill and an ache in his chest that he just couldn’t sooth because Kyuhyun was crying again. Crying because of him once again. Kyuhyun was gripping his hand, tears falling silently as he awaited an answer. Heechul knew he could lose everything, he almost had already. He knew that this would be his last chance to prove everything to the younger and hopefully erase the pain. He only had one second chance.

           Kyuhyun trembled as he waited in silence. He could feel Heechul trembling beside him. His hand was gripping Heechul’s in a painfully tight hold but he was afraid that if he let go the other would walk away. That he’d keep blaming himself and he’d leave Kyuhyun in the dust. Honestly, Kyuhyun remembered every little detail of what had happened. He remember handing the ring back to Heechul, failing to repress the tears that ran down his face as Hangeng smirked from behind Heechul, still gripping his waist. Kyuhyun remembered every detail but he couldn’t bring himself to let go yet. He wanted more time. Time to clear his head. Time to hold Heechul’s hand and kiss his cheek. He wanted a few more weeks of feeling safe before he figured out what he need. For now, all he needed was Heechul. Kyuhyun let out a small sob as the thoughts consumed him. Heechul snapped out of it at the sound, arms winding around the thinner mans waist, pulling him to his chest protectively. Heechul ran soothing fingers through the younger’s hair, kissing his forehead repeatedly as if he could express everything through the kiss. It wasn’t until Kyuhyun gazed up at him with big wet eyes and a small smile on his lips that Heechul knew he’d understood exactly what Heechul was trying to express. It wasn’t until Kyuhyun’s soft lips landed on his own thin ones that he finally felt whole for the fist time in the last few weeks. Kyuhyun moved his good hand, curling it around Heechul’s neck, pulling the older closer  to deepen the kiss and Heechul shifted him on his pulling back to peck his lips softly.

         ‘It’s about time you two kissed and made up’ Donghae smirked, gazing over the back of his seat, goofy smile on his face making Kyuhyun blush. Heechul could only smile as he tipped his nose off Kyuhyun’s affectionately. ‘Pay attention to the road Hae and leave the lovebirds alone’ Sungmin scolded, taking a hand from the wheel to hit Donghae’s head lightly. Donghae pouted, muttering to himself about the aliens kidnapping his nice hyung and turning him evil as he turned around. Heechul shook his head at his dongsaeng’s childishness. He turned his eyes to Kyuhyun’s still flushed face, running a thumb over his cheek bones softly, loving how Kyuhyun’s eyes fluttered closed with a content smile on his face. ‘Hyung?’ Kyuhyun asked softly, hand massaging the base of Heechul’s skull as their forehead rested against each others. ‘Ne Kyu-ah?’ Heechul hummed, taking in the younger’s scent. ‘Do you remember when you asked me if we’d make it, if there was a future for us?” Kyuhyun asked, voice quiet and timid, almost scared to ask what was floating around in his mind. ‘I remember’, Heechul laughed softly, opening his eyes to gaze into Kyuhyun’s, ‘I remember a very confident maknae telling me he’d be selfish and ask me to be all his one day, that he’d buy us a house and adopt a baby because he saw us together forever’. Kyuhyun smiled softly, chuckling, ‘Thing’s were easier back then, I was a lot more confident back then….but…do you think we can still have all of that Heenim?’. Heechul ran a hand through Kyuhyun’s hair, twisting it around his fingers thoughtfully, heart clenching softly at the hope in the younger’s eyes. ‘I think…I think we’ll have to see my baby Kyu. I desperately want us to have all that, to wake up beside your beautiful face every morning of my life because I would be the luckiest man on earth. But baby, things have gotten harder for us both, and I hurt you deeply. I don’t know if I can forgive myself for that and we don’t know if you’ll be able to trust me again but I know I’d wait. I’d wait forever if you needed time because I know now that there is no one else in this big empty world that I could spend my life with other then you. It’s you Kyu, only you’. Kyuhyun smiled sadly, nodding. His heart ached as Heechul kissed his cheeks softly. He knew he was right. It wasn’t as simple as it was before, they’d been broken down in the hardest of ways this time and neither knew how to pick up the pieces. Maybe this time Kyuhyun wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces, he could barely pick up the pieces his own heart had been left in let alone the ones Heechul’s was in because he could see the guilt and hurt every time their eyes met. This time it could be too much for them both to handle. ‘I waited years for you to see me Kim Heechul, I’d wait another thousand for us to be able to have those things’ Kyuhyun whispered softly, sealing his words with a kiss because he didn’t know how much longer he could go without wanting to cry. ‘It’ll be okay baby Kyu, it’ll all be okay’ Heechul reassured him, holding him tight against his chest. Kyuhyun closed his eyes, swallowing back the lump in his throat, thinking to himself, ‘If only it was that easy Heenim, if only….’

                 A month had passed since Kyuhyun had returned and Heechul had never felt more worn out. He was at the end of a string that was about to snap. He pressed the heel of his hands into his tired eyes roughly, trying to take away the pounding in the back of his skull from his lack of tears. The smile he’d put on for Kyuhyun and the others melting off his face as it seemed to age in the harsh wind. It had been a stressful week. The court case with Hangeng had started, requiring Heechul and Kyuhyun’s Appa to sit through countless hearings. Heechul wouldn’t have minded that much because it meant getting justice for what had been done to him and to Kyuhyun. It was his chance to make sure Kyuhyun would live a safe life free from the pain that had followed him over the last six months. No, what had killed Heechul was Hangeng’s smirking face and sharp voice asking him if he was doing playing with the broken toy yet. No one had warned him of the others mans presence. His presence itself was like a final stab to the back for Heechul, one last jab at the sanity he’d managed to gather together for this case. It wasn’t easy having to spill his privet life to the judging stares of people who were obviously against the relationship he had with Kyuhyun. He was tired, tired of being hurt and the fact that Kyuhyun hadn’t talked to him since he’d come home crying in Leeteuk’s arms after encountering Hangeng at the court house. Kyuhyun had looked at him before walking away, returning to his dorm. Heechul didn’t even have time to seek the maknae out to talk about how the case was going. The other was hiding during the night and spent the days locked in the studio or at physical therapy for his arm.

              Kyuhyun gazed at the back of the man he’d sworn to himself to love no matter what, his chest aching. He didn’t know if he could do what he’d spent the last few days pondering but something inside him told him that he needed to get it done. The way things were weren’t right; it wasn’t healthy for either of them. He was tired of the fake smiles and the guilty stares. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same Heechul. He acted the same but Kyuhyun could see the tiredness in his eyes, the hurt, how every small movement seemed to cause him pain these days. Kyuhyun wasn’t much better either. Always pretending to be fine when he felt like he was going too betrayed every time Heechul left the apartment. He’d become paranoid, always second guessing everything Heechul did and he knew it wasn’t fair. It was fair to make Heechul run in circles anymore then it was fair for Kyuhyun to try place his trust in some who had broken it. He just couldn’t do it, he’d realised that when Heechul had come home crying over seeing Hangeng again. When he’d sobbed himself to sleep in the leaders arms while talking about how painful everything was according to Siwon. It was as if all the life they had a few months ago was disappearing. Heechul was sinking further and Kyuhyun couldn’t seem to grab his hand anymore. He wanted to but it was numb. The moves clumsy and careful. They’d never been careful with each other before. They’d always said everything straight to each others faces but now they seemed to be so desperate to protect the other that they were beginning to push the other away and Kyuhyun didn’t know if he could stand this any longer.

                  ‘You’re going to catch a cold if you stay out here for much longer’ Kyuhyun said his voice strong and determined as he stepped out onto the balcony.  Heechul didn’t even look up as Kyuhyun moved to stand beside him; he kept his head down, gazing out across the night lights of Seoul. Once they’d stood here, Heechul back hugging him as they talked about everything and nothing, just holding each other and watching life speed by. Now, it seemed that time had sped by leaving them side by side, unable to face the pain in the gaze of the others eyes. ‘I’m fine, I’m the almightily Kim Heechul, I don’t get sick’ Heechul smiled weakly, heart clenching as Kyuhyun’s hands gripped the railings tight. His knuckles turning white with the pressure he applied. ‘You’re going to damage your hand again if you hold it that tightly’ Heechul sighed, reaching a hand over to gently pull the maknae’s still bandaged hand from the rail. His soft finger massaging the aching limb softly causing a sad smile to cross Kyuhyun’s face. ‘Kamsamnida Hyung’ Kyuhyun muttered, watching Heechul’s face as a flash of pain crossed it, quickly replaced with amusement. ‘You use to never call me Hyung you know, I guess everything changed now’ Heechul laughed half heartedly, letting go of Kyuhyun’s hand as he turned to face the city once more, a sigh on his lips. Kyuhyun gulped back the lump forming in his throat, voice pained, ‘Everything has changed, Heechul’. Heechul let out a soft laugh as Kyuhyun clenched his jaw, finding it hard to look at the man beside him. Heechul was so beautiful in the lights of the city and it was breaking Kyuhyun’s heart to just gaze at him, to know what he was about to do.

          ‘Heechul-ah…my Heenim, could you…you look at me please? Is it that hard to look at me now?’ Kyuhyun asked shakily as he gazed at the other. Heechul took in a shaky breath, turning to gaze up at Kyuhyun with sad eyes, ‘its quiet the opposite Kyuhyun, it’s hard to look away from you once I’ve looked…I know why you’re here Kyu’. Kyuhyun felt his chest ache as the older tried to keep a smile on his face. ‘I’m so sorry Heechul’ Kyuhyun whispered, taking the order’s face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together. Heechul covered Kyuhyun’s hands with his own shaky ones, gulping audibly, ‘It hurts Kyu, I know it does’. Kyuhyun smiled sadly, his thumbs over Heechul’s smooth skin, ‘you always know what I’m going to say before I day it Heenim. It’s one of the reasons I love you so damn much but sometimes…sometimes…’ ‘Sometimes love isn’t enough to heal a heart that’s hurting’ Heechul finished eyes shining with tears that threatened to fall. Kyuhyun nodded, moving his hands to wrap around Heechul’s fragile frame, he was so tiny, in his arms yet he fitted perfectly. Kyuhyun buried his head in Heechul’s soft hair, just letting the silence engulf them for a while before speaking again. ‘I can’t go one like this. I can’t live with the horrible thoughts that every time you step outside that door that you’re running to some else. I know you’re not…but I can’t trust you and I hate that Heechul. I want to be able to trust you, to hold you and know it’s going to be okay but its not. Everything’s changed and I…I need time. Time to figure all of this out. Time to put myself back together. I love you. I love you more then my life but I can’t let us keep hurting each other like this anymore, I’m sorry Heechul’. Heechul nodded softly, letting the tears finally run down his cheeks freely as the pain engulfed him. Kyuhyun was walking away from him, just like Hangeng had.

            ‘I understand Kyuhyun’ he whispered softly, keeping his eyes closed. He didn’t want to see the pain in his eyes. ‘Heechul, before I walk away, can…can I please just kiss you one last time?’ Kyuhyun asked voice heavy and husky with tears. Heechul let out a soft sob, nodding his head as words failed him. He felt Kyuhyun’s breath on his lips as a hand cupped his neck, pulling him closer. Their lips met in a shaky manner, wet from tears as they kissed softly. In their minds it was the perfect goodbye. Their lips moulded together in what could only be described as the perfect kiss, soft and full of love making them smile sadly as they pulled apart. Kyuhyun kept a hand on the back of Heechul’s neck, eyes shut as he kept their forehead pressed together. ‘Promise me, promise me you’ll be okay, I don’t think I can do this if you’re not going to be okay’ Kyuhyun sobbed softly, hand shaking as he tried desperately to hold onto the man he was about to walk away from. Heechul sniffed softly, stepping away from Kyuhyun, leaning up to kiss his forehead softly. ‘I can’t promise that Kyuhyun, I really can’t. Hangeng leaving would have been easier if it weren’t for the fact he’d betrayed me for so long but you…I don’t know when I’ll ever be okay after this. I love you Kyuhyun, you’ve become the light of my life, and I’m not going to be okay. But I know I’ll be waiting right here whenever you’re ready to come back…even if you never come back…I’ll be here’ Heechul tried to smiled as his vision blurred from the tears. He turned his back, gazing over the city, shutting his eyes as he tried to keep the sobs in. The pain in his chest was unbearable but if he broke now Kyuhyun wouldn’t walk away to fix himself. He’d continue to break and it’d be all Heechul’s fault. ‘H-hyung….H-Heenim…’ Kyuhyun sobbed, feeling like a small child as he shook, covering his mouth with his hand as sobs fell from his lips. Heechul shook his head, gripping the railing in order to stop himself from turning around, ‘Go Kyuhyun, go to sleep. Sungmin will take care of you’. Heechul kept his eyes closed as Kyuhyun’s footsteps drifted away, fading as he got further away from him. It wasn’t until the front door of their dorm closed that Heechul’s knees gave out and he let himself fall to the ground and sob for the loss of his light

A year later

            Kyuhyun massaged his throat tiredly, smiling brightly as his coach patted his shoulder encouragingly. ‘That was perfect Kyuhyun-ah, there’s no way you guys won’t win awards with this one if you sing like that on stage’ she smiled, massaging the younger’s shoulders in a friendly gesture. Kyuhyun laughed, something that had taken a few months for him to do again after he’d walked away from the balcony that, ‘Thanks’ Noona, if we do I’ll be you dinner next time I have practice’. She smiled, ruffling his chocolate coloured hair softly, ‘You better you punk. No go get a bottle of water and head home, promotions start soon’. Kyuhyun bowed politely as she grabbed her bag, exiting the room. It had been a long year but he was finally getting to where he wanted to be. His arm was healed, his dancing had improved considerably since their concerts had finished and he was at a vocal standard that had him constantly competing with Yesung whenever they were left along. He was thankful for his hyung; he was the one that got him out of his slump. Sungmin and Ryeowook had tiptoed around him after he’d broken things off with Heechul while Yesung had walked in on him attempting to sing one day and shouted at him. He shaken the maknae’s shoulders until the other had gotten angry and shoved him. He still remembers Yesung’s words and how he’d smiled from the floor, ‘Finally, you show emotion. You’re singing has been crap because you’ve been sulking around like a kicked puppy. If you’re ever going to get to my level you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start expressing yourself’. They were words that stuck o Kyuhyun even today.

      Kyuhyun smiled as his phone went off. He dug through his bag, answering it quickly, ‘Yeoboseyo?’. ‘Yah! Cho Kyuhyun! Who do you think you are to ignore my calls you brat!’ Kangin scolded from the other end of the line. Kyuhyun laughed at the soft tone of his Hyung’s voice, ‘I’m sorry Hyung, some of us have vocal practices to go to’. He heard Kangin scoff on the other end of the line, ‘And some of us are in the army and can only have a certain amount of days off, yet you haven’t called once. I’ve had to force Leeteuk to leave some days’. Kyuhyun smiled, grabbing his bag as he turned off the lights, ‘Sorry Hyung, I’ve been busy but I’m much better since our last call’. He heard Kangin hum in approval, shouting at someone before returning to the conversation, ‘I’m glad Kyu, you sound a lot happier. I have to run, your leader just arrived and is demanding food, you swear I was the Hyung here. Oh! If you see Heechul tell him I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help’. Kyuhyun’s eyebrows drew down in confusion at his hyung’s words but before he could ask, the line went dead. He rolled his eyes, laughing to himself as he left the room, heading towards the elevator. All he wanted to-do was go home and cuddle up with his laptop for a few hours to relax before things became hectic. Kyuhyun yawned, stopping for a second as a door beside him opened, he stepped aside, ready to bow to whoever came out the door but froze as his gaze landed on a familiar slim figure. Heechul looked tired as he steeped out of the board room, his eyes rimmed pink and his face worn as he stared at the ground, taking deep breathes. ‘Oh, hyung’ Kyuhyun bowed, smiling as Heechul turned his gaze to him. Heechul gave him a tired smile, wiping his eyes softly, ‘Kyuhyun-ah, all finished for today kid?’ Kyuhyun frowned softly as Heechul’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears. Heechul had started distancing himself from everyone in the last few weeks causing everyone to worry about the feline diva that would fled the dorms with Hongki and Simon D when he could. ‘Hyung? Is something wrong?’ Kyuhyun asked, placing a soft hand on Heechul’s  arm. His chest clenched, his feelings for the older male still bubbling beneath the surface, not that they ever faded away. Heechul shook his head, ruffling the younger’s hair as he smiled, ‘Hyung is just tired, his leg hurts. Yeah…that’s all. Hurry to the van Kyuhyun, I’m sure the others want to get home’. Kyuhyun stared with sad eyes as Heechul walked away from him. He seemed so fragile and lonely these days, Kyuhyun wanted to reach out to him but held his tongue, afraid the older hadn’t given up on him. ‘Kyuhyun-ah? What are you doing?’. Kyuhyun jumped slightly as Prince Manager walked out of the room, his eyes red like Heechul’s had been. ‘I was heading out of vocal practice when I ran into Heechul Hyung’ Kyuhyun explained, ‘Hyung, did something happen?’ Prince Manager shook hiss head, putting on a smile like Heechul had, ‘Nothing Kiddo, come on. Let’ head to the van, you’ve the next two days free before promotions begin’

            Heechul rubbed his hands together nervously as he sat in the living of the twelfth dorm the next day. All the members were still asleep besides him and Leeteuk who was staring at him in confusion. ‘What’s wrong Heechul-ah, you do know you can talk to us, or to me?” Leeteuk said softly, offering a smile as he patted the slightly younger male’s thigh affectionately. Heechul smiled, squeezing Leeteuk’s hand softly, ‘I know Jungsoo….actually….there’s something I wanted to tell all of you…Manager Hyung said to day would be the best day to get everything out in the open. Could you wake all the members? It’s really important’. Leeteuk gazed at Heechul softly, confusion covering his features once again, ‘You’re not dying are you?”. Heechul let out a laugh, feeling light for a few second before reality kicked in. He forced a scowl on his face, ‘Do I look like a dying man to you?”. ‘Well Hyung, you make a very attractive zombie’ Donghae yawned as he dragged a sleepy Eunhyuk behind him as they collapsed onto the couch. Heechul couldn’t bring himself to be angry at the younger’s remark, only able to smile, ‘Damn right I’m an attractive zombie Hae’. Leeteuk rolled his eyes as he laughed, ‘I’ll go wake the others then’. Heechul nodded, dread building in his stomach. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, the reactions were going to be hard, especially Kyuhyun’s. He knew he wouldn’t be able to meet the younger’s eyes when he told them all. He wouldn’t be able to face the pain in them, he wouldn’t be able to face the sadness in his or any of their eyes, this was his family and he was about to leave them after promising to always be with them. It was something he had to do though, he needed space to heal.

           Kyuhyun groaned as he found himself being shaken roughly. ‘Minnie, stop, please just let me sleep’ Kyuhyun whined, burying his face into the covers, hiding in the warmth. He had stayed up late playing Starcraft against Changmin and all he wanted to do was spend his day off sleeping. ‘Get up you lazy brat, Sungmins already gone up to the twelfth dorm’ Yesung grumbled angrily, rubbing his tired eyes as he hit the younger with a pillow. Kyuhyun hissed, sitting up as he opened his eyes to glare at the older, ‘I hate you Hyung’. Yesung laughed, ruffling his hair, ‘Whatever Kyuhyun just get up, we’re going to the upper dorm. Leeteuk said Heechul wants to talk to us all, something important’. Kyuhyun scrambled out of bed, remembering Heechul’s tearful eyes the day before knowing it couldn’t be something good. That something big was about to happen, making Kyuhyun’s stomach sink with fear as he grabbed a jumper before following Yesung up to the twelfth dorm. The living was packed with sleepy members as they draped themselves around the room. Kyuhyun smiled slightly as Sungmin waved him over, patting a spot on the couch beside him. Heechul was sitting in the arm chair, smiling to himself slightly as he just gazed at everyone.

            ‘So now that everyone’s hear, would you like to tell us what this important thing is?’ Leeteuk smiled brightly, putting a hand on Heechul’s shoulder encouraging. Heechul nodded, clearing his throat as he gazed up steadily. Kyuhyun could see him gulped as he struggled to find the words to say. ‘I’ve talked to a few good Hyung’s, dongsaeng’s and friends about this before making a decision. It wasn’t easy and it really isn’t easy to tell you all this’, Heechul began, hands shaking as he gazed down at his. The next few words out of his mouth causing everyone to jolt awake, suddenly aware of everything that was happening as Heechul’s soft voice filled the room. ‘I’m leaving in September’. Kyuhyun felt himself freeze as Sungmin gripped his hand. His heart sinking painfully as tears pricked his eyes. ‘You’re…you’re leaving?’ Donghae asked with a shaky voice, a slight under tone of anger to it, ‘After losing Kibum and Hangeng, you’re going to leave us just like that?’ Heechul flinched at Donghae’s harshness as Leeteuk gave him a stern look. ‘Donghae, stop it. Let him explain. Heechul-ah, what do you mean by you’re leaving?’ Leeteuk asked calmly although his eyes told us all otherwise. ‘I’m enlisting in the army. I’ve already singed everything and cleared it with management. I’ll start basic training on 1at of September. After that…I don’t know where I’ll be put obviously but Prince manager said because of my bum leg I wouldn’t be able to serve normally so I’ll probably be put in public service, what’s the use of  a solider with a bad leg, right?’ Heechul tried to laugh as he met the tearful eyes of s. ‘Hyung….’ Sungmin started, gazing between him and Kyuhyun worriedly. Heechul shook his head weakly, ‘It’s something I have to do Minnie. I know I promised I’d enlist with you Jungsoo but I need…need a break’. Kyuhyun could only watch numbly as Donghae flung himself into Heechul’s arms, sobbing. Everyone was crying but Kyuhyun remained dry eyed, refusing to accept this. His eyes met Heechul’s as the reality set . He could see the guilt in Heechul’s eyes as he studied him, the pain of leaving him behind. Kyuhyun clenched his fists, standing up. It was only fair that Heechul would leave him behind after he’d left Heechul behind. ‘Good luck Hyung, I hope you find what you’re looking for’ Kyuhyun managed to push out through clenched teeth. Heechul looked away unable to answer, how could he find what he was looking for when it was right in front of him blindly pushing him away?

            The time seemed to fly for Kyuhyun. His mind still numb from the fact that Heechul was going to be gone soon. Performances and events passed too quickly. The news had dropped online and everyone seemed to be flooding the dorms to wish Heechul well or take him out drinking. He was never home for Kyuhyun to confront and now the time had come. They were standing on stage waiting for the results of the winner of mutizen song. Bands filled the stage as they stood together. The air was tense but not for fear of winning or losing, it didn’t matter now because they would be losing Heechul after this. He was leaving in the morning to visit his family for awhile before beginning his training. Kyuhyun had his eyes set on the older male as he smiled, he didn’t even notice they’d won until Eunhyuk was holding the trophy and everyone was clapping. He managed to clap, his heart aching as Leeteuk spoke, bursting into tears as he explained that Heechul was leaving. Heechul held his best friends hand to comfort him as he was handed the mic. He knew there were tears in his eyes but he refused to let them fall as he faced the crowd. Shindong was holding his shoulders tightly as the member held in their tears. ‘Today is my last performance. First I want to thank all my Super Junior members, our dongsaeng’s thank you for following your hyung all this while. And my friend, Jungsoo. Our Teukie it’s very tiring for him’ Heechul smiled, putting an arm around Leeteuk’s shoulder in comfort, ‘Despite this, he’s always smiling. I’m grateful. And our managers and staff, thanks for enduring my bad temper all this while. And also, inkigayo’s PD, thanks for giving us such time today, thank you very much. Last of all our fans, I love you all very much! Thank you. Everyone knows I’m bad at expressing myself so I shall stop here’. Kyuhyun watched as he handed the mic back and was dragged into a group hug by the sobbing members and they held their hyung. Kyuhyun stood at the outside, unable to reach out to the hyung, to the love that he’d let slip through his fingers, it was too painful.

                  Heechul smiled sadly as he gazed at the balcony from the living room. Kyuhyun was draped over the railings, a position Heechul had been in the year before when the maknae had sought him out. He could hear the soft sobs that left the younger’s lips from where he was standing. It was breaking his heart but he knew he was doing the right thing by enlisting. Time apart, time away from each other would help. Even if Kyuhyun was able to smile again, he needed the other to realise if he still had feelings for him because Heechul was waiting with open arms and it was hard to watch him smile while he waited in the shadows. ‘You’ll catch a cold Kyu’ Heechul smiled softly, wrapping a jumper around the maknae’s shaking shoulders. ‘I’m fine hyung’ Kyuhyun whispered roughly. Heechul sighed, gazing out at the city lights, ‘It seems our rolls are reversed now. This time I’m the one leaving’. Kyuhyun nodded, wiping his tears on the soft material of the jumper, ‘except you’re actually leaving, you’re not just an elevator ride away Heechul’. Heechul smiled softly, wrapping his arms around the maknae’s waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. ‘I know Kyu-ah, it’s painful for me too but I can’t keep standing still. I think this will help me…and I won’t be gone forever…’ Kyuhyun choked out a laugh between his silent sobs, ‘No. You’ll just be gone for two years and even if you have breaks that doesn’t mean you’ll be here because we could be gone. We’ll be going on without you’. Heechul buried his face in Kyuhyun’s neck, ‘But Kangin will be back soon so you won’t miss me that much’. Kyuhyun scoffed, shrugging the older as he turned to gaze at him with teary eyes, ‘Bull Hyung. You know I’m going to miss you, that I’m going to still look for you when you’re gone because it’s not Kangin hyung that I…that I…’. Kyuhyun froze, struggling with the words that perched desperately at the tip of his tongue. Heechul sighed sadly, placing a hand on the maknae’s shoulder, ‘You can’t even say it anymore Kyuhyun. That’s why I’m leaving. It’s been a year and I can still say I’m in love with you, but you can’t say it anymore. We need time apart. You’ve picked up the pieces Kyuhyun and I’ve waited. You’ve picked up the pieces but you know what they say, once fixed the heart isn’t the same’. Kyuhyun opened his mouth, trying to get the words off his tongue but just started blankly at the older. Kyuhyun’s chest ached as Heechul pressed a soft kiss to his temple, squeezing his hips softly. ‘Exactly. Goodbye Kyuhyun, I’ll be gone by the time you wake up. Take care of yourself. Tell Teukie I’ll try call every week’ Heechul smiled, willing the tears out of his eyes as he walked away, heartbreaking a little bit more as he did. Kyuhyun stared after his back, his chest hollow as he let him walk away. The pain hadn’t kicked in yet as he stumbled to sit on the floor. Heechul was gone, taking his heart with him, but why couldn’t he say the words? He still felt something for Heechul, didn’t he? Kyuhyun let out a sob as he buried his head in the hoodie. All he could do was wait. Wait for his heart to answer and for the man that held it to walk back through the doors….it was going to be a rough two years….

a/n annyeong readers/subscribers. Sorry this took so long but a lot has happened over the last few months. I lost someone very close to me at Easter, she’s the reason I write, if you have read my banghim story you’ll know all this, but four days after I also lost my baby cousin. It was a hard time and writing this story that had to have a bit of happiness and fluff in it seemed impossible…but here it is…the ending. It’s heartbreaking, I actually cried, epically when I had to watch Heechul’s actual last performance because I used his actual speech from it in the story. But I am considering writing a sequel to this story if ye’re interest…what do you say? Anyway let me know what you think~Saranghae Emmy