Heechul jolted up, awaking from a nightmare, sweat pouring down his face. His whole body was shaking. He had been with Hankyung, holding his hand, when Hankyung had stopped. He'd turned to ask him what's wrong but was stop by cool metal against his chest. Hankyung had his arm wrapped around a beautiful petite Chinese woman with dark silky hair and a pretty face. He had held a gun to Heechul's heart and smirked as he pulled the trigger. Heechul had woken up when his body had hit the ground. Heechul could feel his heart thump an untimely rhythm in his chest. He frowned at the memories playing in his head of what he'd done. Wincing when Hankyung letter struck him again. Heechul bit his lip in order to not brake down again. Fingers brushed his side and Heechul stifled a gasp. Finally taking in his surroundings.

              Heechul was lying on a couch in the sitting room, all the members were cuddled up together across the room, the only light was from the TV were the credits of some movie were rolling across the screen. Heechul gazed down to see an arm across his waist, the person’s fingers grazing his side in soft comforting motions. He turned to find Kyuhyun cuddled against him, his arm around him protectively. Hs light brown curly hair swept across his eyes adorably, traces o tears remained on his cheeks and an adorable pout was placed upon those perfect cupid bows lips. Heechul would have smiled if it wasn't for the feeling that he'd be betraying his heart if he did. Then again, he didn't have a heart to betray. And with that thought, grief once again racked Heechul’s body. Heechul needed to be alone, he couldn't face looking at all the loving couples all cuddled up across the room, not without breaking down from remembering when it was he and Hankyung. When they'd been in love. 'Correction, when I was in love with love with him' Heechul thought painfully.

    Carefully, he removed Kyuhyun's arm from around. Not really wanting to leave the comfort the maknae of the group provide but at that moment his emotions were too much to hide around others. Heechul carefully picked his way among the entangled bodies of his band members. Trying not to look at Eunhyuk smiling with a content Donghae lying on his chest or Ryeowook with curled up in Yesungs lap with his head buried in his neck. Things Heechul used to do with Hankyung when they were alone or watching a movie. As he moved through the apartment, memories hit him over and over. The tears had returned as he stood at the kitchen door. Just remembering how he'd sit and watch Hankyung cook while teasing him or the times when he'd gotten bored and turned up the heat. The shared smiles, brushing of the hands, the secretly holding hands under the table when they first started and hadn't told the members about them yet. Heechul gulped and headed to the bathroom. Closing it and locking it softly behind him. It was dark but Heechul could see his reflection in the mirror. He could see it string back at him. Almost as if it was smirking at how pathetic he was,

         Heechul gripped the sink. He stared hard at the mirror. Looking at himself, taking in every detail. He never though of him self as ugly, he wasn't perfect but he was attractive with his feminine look and cat like eyes. He was handsome or muscular like Siwon or cute and cuddly like Sungmin and Donghae. He didn't have the graceful angelic look of their Leader or that y aura of their lanky maknae.  Yet Heechul had always considered himself attractive, pretty. Until now.  Looking into the mirror he started to notice things. That his skin was too pale and his nose too wide. Without the make up, he could see the dark rings under his now puffy eyes. His small eyes that was a bit too close together. His hair made him look feminine. Heechul gulped, removing his shirt to glance at the mirror again. His chest was the same pale colour as his face; it was toned or muscled like Siwons. In fact, glancing at himself, he seemed to be a bit heavy. He was slim or flat like Kyuhyun. He didn't have muscular arms like Donghae, he had scrawny thin arms. Heechul quickly pulled back on his shirt, shaking. 'No wonder he never loved you. Look at yourself' the voice in his head whispered, full of disgust, 'who could ever love you Kim Heechul? You're too pale and fat. You're not perfect. You're cold and mean. Who'd want to be with you? Huh? A disportional fat person that looks like a twelve-year-old girl. No wonder he left. You are practically a girl already, he just replaced you with one that has s and is thin. Someone who's beautiful and perfect. Someone that's not you'.  Heechul could only stare at himself, attacking himself. In his mind, it was what he deserved.

      He wasn't perfect, Hankyung had said that. Said that she was perfect. Heechul couldn't help but wonder was she better? But, of course she was, other wise, he’d still be here wouldn't he? The mental torture and pain was too much and Heechul found himself throwing up everything he'd consumed that day. He flushed the toilet and washed out his mouth. 'Tomorrow I'll start a diet, I'll get thin, I'll be perfect. I'll be perfect and he'll come back' Heechul whispered, once again staring into the mirror. All he wanted was to be perfect, and the voices in his head were pushing him to do everything possible to achieve that. Heechul curled up in the corner of the bathroom, staring at the mirror. Letting it taunt him, as he cried silently. No one came to his rescue this time. No one was there to save him from drowning in his mind. No one could protect him from the monster in the dark, the one that lurked behind closed doors. That drove Heechul to clawing at his own hair in attempt to dull the pain he felt. Twisting it hard, but it didn't work. That led Heechul to digging his nails into his arm, hard enough to draw blood. A tingling feeling off relief swept through him as he dug them in deeper, scratching at the cut from earlier. When that stopped, he'd reached for Leeteuks sleeping pills.

      Heechul sat there for what felt like hours in the dark. Motionless. Frozen by the mirror and the dark whispers that surrounding him. He didn't even snap back to reality when Donghae knocked on the door telling him they had breakfast ready. He didn't come back to reality when Donghae returned 15 minutes later, his voice worried. The knocks growing louder, turning to bangs and yells. He was floating, staring. Trying to unravel the secrets the mirror held. He didn't even flinch when Siwon kicked the door open and rushed to his side. He stared past them as they tried to talk to him, to comfort him, watching the mirror. Watching how beautiful and perfect the others were compared to the hideous thing he was. It wasn't till Kyuhyun stepped on the empty bottle that they realised why he was so still. And it wasn't till Heechul’s vision went black that they realised what he'd done. Leeteuk knew from what had been in the bottle that Heechul would be okay. He put it down to Heechul being stressed over the loss and waning to sleep. There had only been enough in the bottle to put the man in a deep dreamless sleep for a few hours. He explained this to the other members and they'd sighed with relief. Simply lifting the man back to his freshly made bed, tucking him in and agreeing to keep quiet to let him rest. The members had their own grieving to do, none looked further then Heechul wanting some well needed sleep. All but Kyuhyun who had a nagging feeling that that wasn't it. That there was something more and that by ignoring this, they could risk damaging the fragile man that lay sleeping peacefully in his bed. His pale skin even paler now, a sleeping beauty to Kyuhyun's eyes. One in danger of drowning