"Remember the rap competition? He won second place in that, didn't he? I guess the equivalent premium for that is a free four year scholarship in this prestigious Japanese music school. I don't know, Himchan, but—he probably knew he could win something like that beforehand and—you guys kinda happened so he was torn by the decision and wouldn't tell you."

Himchan sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wad of travel documents in his hand with disbelief, replaying his phone conversation with Daehyun a few moments ago. He decided it'd be easier to let someone else tell him, someone else other than Yongguk himself, then maybe it would hurt a little more less.

Yongguk had been aware of this matter ever since the beginning of their relationship and he hid it from Himchan for the whole six months they had been together. Himchan didn't know where he should place himself in this situation, but as much as he wanted Yongguk for himself he didn't want to stand as a barrier to dreams Yongguk already had way before he met Himchan.

Himchan didn't know what to feel. Yongguk was a few steps closer to his goals, but that would mean he had things to keep and things to sacrifice. Himchan couldn't be the former. It was something he had to accept.

Himchan imprinted that in the back of his head as he gathered all of his belongings just enough to fit in a suitcase. He knew Yongguk didn't need him around anymore, he was just another person to come and go in Yongguk's life.

"Himchan?" Yongguk appeared somewhere from the kitchen after hearing a series of steps descending down the stairs.

Then he saw Himchan—fully dressed and pulling a suitcase behind him—moving across the living room halfway to the main door. "Himchan." Yongguk sauntered toward him in hurried steps and grabbed him by the elbow. "Where do you think you're going?"

Himchan held his breath and pushed the wad of travel documents to Yongguk's chest. "You ask yourself that."

The folder slid down the floor, Yongguk failing to hold on to it out of sheer confusion. The papers had to scatter all over the floor tiles before realization could sink in. Yongguk grasped on Himchan's arm again when the latter attempted to break free from his hold. "Wait."

Himchan tried again.

"Himchan—"

"Save it. I'm going home."

"No, let's talk about this." Yongguk kept still, desperation imminent in his voice.

Himchan spun around, finally facing Yongguk and meeting his eyes. "Daehyun had told me everything. We have nothing to talk about, Yongguk, you always had nothing to say."

Himchan found guilt in Yongguk's eyes, and that enough made him want to run away and scream his anger and devastation somewhere desolate. Yongguk's gaze dropped down in mortification, but he kept hold of Himchan, not wanting him to leave but not knowing what to do to make him stay either.

Himchan could swear he was hearing both of their hearts break.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Himchan asked. "What was your plan? To just leave in a week without telling me anything?"

"It's not," Yongguk said weakly. He looked back at Himchan, perilously seeking for sympathy. "I can explain."

"Fine," Himchan replied coldly. "Explain."

Yongguk tried to even out his breathing. He was scared (scared to leave, scared to face reality, scared of their current situation, scared to let go of Himchan. He was a coward—a moronic one.) Yongguk tried to open his mouth, tried to say something—anything that would convince Himchan to stay, that would allow them to spend the last few days together before he'd have to leave. Rendered speechless, he could only tighten his grasp around Himchan's arm.

Himchan could feel him trembling. He slowly removed his limb from Yongguk's grip now he was to shaken to demur.

"Forget it. It's not like anything will change anyway." Himchan started to walk off again.

"You don't understand," Yongguk whimpered.

Himchan halted across the hall, taking a moment to realize that he was shaking too, and turned around once again.

"That's right. I don't understand." Himchan retaliated. "You're not helping me understand, Yongguk. I don't know why you had to wait until this had to happen. I've been trying so hard to make us work out the way both of us would want to. You'll be gone for four years, Yongguk, I barely had you for half a year. Why didn't you just tell me a bit earlier so I didn't have to pretend that I've gotten myself into something that would stick around for a long time."

Tears threatened to fall from Yongguk's eyes and it burned. Everything burned. His whole body was shivering as he stifled a sob. "It's because I'm in love with you," Yongguk managed to stress out. "I wanted to spend time with you, Himchan. And maybe that's the most selfish thing to do but I had the chance to finally call you mine. It wasn't easy to just let that slip."

"What about me? What about what I would feel?"

"Wait for me," Yongguk croaked out. "I'll come back."

Himchan continued pressure himself into holding the tears in. He wanted to melt in Yongguk's embrace, wanted things to be same, wanted to grasp any reason for Yongguk to stay and live his dream beside Himchan.

But that wasn't going to happen. And Himchan had given up even before he knew it. This fight wasn't going to lead them anywhere anymore.

"Maybe you don't have to come back," Himchan said. "Maybe no one's going to be here waiting for you."

Yongguk didn't chase him when he left.

But he shattered. Shattered into pieces he didn't knew Himchan had formed for him.

By the time Himchan reached the front porch of his family's house, he found his mother seated by the bench unexpectedly. And when he realized the tears were still distinct in his eyes and face, it was too late, his mother had already noticed.

She stood up to meet him with a perturbed look, placing her hands on either side of her son's face. Himchan found himself leaning to her palms, finding comfort, finding home. Himchan's pain only worsened when he became conscious of the fact that he had been neglecting his parents for he had been spending too much time with Yongguk.

"Himchan, what's wrong?" Mrs. Kim asked in a soothing voice that Himchan didn't realize he had missed until now.

"Mom," Himchan cawed out and the next thing he knew he was hugging his mom and soaking her shoulder with his tears. "Mom—"

His mother returned the embrace, sliding her hand against her son's in consolation. Just the mere action made Himchan feel assured that he did the right thing to come home.

Himchan felt like he was seven again, coming home with an injured knee after playing outside for too long and his mother was there to give her a loving embrace, to tend his wound, to tell him that you're a big boy now, Himchan, don't cry. Now, ten years later, Himchan came home with a wound in his heart.

After finding his father in the living room when Himchan and his mother came inside the house, Himchan decided to let them know everything. He sat down from the couch across his parents and explained the reason of his absence in the household. He told them about his uality, and with a few suppressed sobs, his relationship with Yongguk. He told them he didn't expect them to understand, but he asked for acceptance. He apologized for his unexplained leave, for being too reckless about his decisions.

Himchan knew it would be hard for his parents to acknowledge his situation, but surprisingly, his mother moved to sit beside him and ran her fingers through his hair. "Don't be sorry, Himchan." She wiped a stray tear off her son's cheek. "You're my son, I'll be here for you no matter who you find yourself to be."

Himchan gave her a smile. Himchan was very thankful for her, despite his seemingly rebellious actions, she was still there. Himchan moved his head to look at his father this time, and they held gazes for a moment, Mr. Kim's expression weren't much help in conveying his thoughts.

Himchan was sure he disapproved of this and was going to sent him away.

"Himchan," his father began in a stern voice and Himchan braised himself for the worst.

"Dad?"

"You're a good kid."

Himchan's chest tightened and it wasn't because of discomfort. His father was a man of few words so small utterances such as these meant a lot to him. His parents' love was incomparable. Especially incomparable.

The following days were just as worse for Himchan. Despite trying to keep himself distracted, just the simple thought that Yongguk wasn't next to him made him want to permanently break down. To just cry until his lungs burst, until there's no more tears, until the ache in his chest could go away.

Everything reminded him of Yongguk, and everything just added to his affliction. Memories continued to linger in the back of his head, more reasons to cry in the silence of the night where no one could hear him.

Himchan's mother tried to help comforting him by giving him squeezes in the shoulder and tender hugs from time to time, no more than that, she was aware Himchan needed time to mend his heartbreak by himself before others can intervene with his life again. Himchan avoided any form of communication from anyone other than his parents.

Friday morning was when Mrs. Kim barged in Himchan's room while he was arranging his things by the foot of his bed.

"Himchan, Daehyun called," his mother stated in an urgent tone, holding out Himchan's phone in her hand. "He said—"

Himchan's breathing hitched momentarily. "Mom, I don't want to hear it."

"It's important."

"Mom, I can't—"

"Yongguk's flight is in a few hours, Himchan."

Himchan froze. He gazed up to his mother with a look of incredulity. He, as a matter of fact, completely forgot about Yongguk's departure, too preoccupied with the wretchedness he was feeling, but for what if he cared? It wouldn't mean anything anymore, would it? Why was his mother doing this when she knew that he was trying to forget?

"Himchan," his mother said. "Save it while you still can."

Himchan didn't know why or how it happened. But now he was running, running against time, running and running even when he didn't know where it would lead him.

(Because Himchan came to understand how much Yongguk meant to him, how much he was going to lose if he allowed him to just leave like that, how he was never going to be alright.)

He skidded inside the airport premises, oblivious to the shortage of his breath, to how his legs were trembling in exhaustion. His heartbeat was loud in his ears, it was almost the only thing he could hear. His vision blurred as he struggled to fight tears. He had to look for him, he had to find him, he had to tell him that he would wait for him even now matter how long it would take for him to come back, tell him that he didn't want things to end, that he didn't mean the things he had said.

Himchan spun his head in every direction as he ran further through the aerodome in desperation.

Let me see you for one last time, please.

Himchan almost fainted when he saw Yongguk about to make his way to the immigration counter. He stopped a meter away from him, breathless, tired, miserable. "Yongguk."

Yongguk slowed to a stop, perked up at the sound of his name. Realization sunk in closely afterwards and he turned around to face the other. "Himchan?"

Himchan didn't know what else to say other than what his heart was screaming since the time he saw Yongguk's travel documents. "Please don't go."

Himchan knew how ridiculous it sounded but now that Yongguk was right in front of him, the ache in his chest seemed to have gotten worse. With much difficulty, he crept closer toward Yongguk, sliding his decrepit arms around the other's waist and pressing his face against the crook of his neck.

Yongguk froze, body turning rigid, gaze nowhere, lips hardening into a tight line as Himchan trembled against him.

"I'll wait for you, Yongguk," Himchan mumbled. "I'll be right here when you come back."

Yongguk still hadn't embraced him back. "Himchan—"

Himchan's arms tightened around Yongguk, but somehow, he couldn't find the familiar comfort it once held anymore. "You'll come back to me, won't you?"

"I'm sorry, Himchan," Yongguk said. "It's over." 

There was numbness. Everything seemed to have slowed down to an abrupt stop. And the weight in Himchan's heart gradually grew heavier.

I don't understand.

Yongguk pulled away almost a little too harshly. And Himchan couldn't meet his gaze, couldn't move his limbs. His consciousness narrowed into the gravity in his chest and how he couldn't perceive the pain that was supposed to be there.

Yongguk had stopped fighting.

"It's time to think about what's important, Himchan, maybe this relationship was never on the list." Yongguk laughed humorlessly, eyes empty. Then he sighed. "I'll miss you, but if I come back, I don't think it'll be because of you."

Yongguk spun around to leave and Himchan couldn't look to see, couldn't accept it, couldn't stand the feeling of rejection.

Just like that, it was over.

And Himchan was exhausted.

Physically, mentally, emotionally.

There was nothing to save. No more reason to keep going.

Himchan could feel unconsciousness take over him, almost on the verge of collapsing.

But someone else caught him.