Himchan found his first rose three days before Valentines' day.

It really wasn't anything close to grand. Not wrapped in silk thread wrapper, or had chocolates and a teddy bear along with it. It's just the rose (with all its thorns still attached, suspiciously looking like it had just been plucked out stolen from someone's front porch garden thirty minutes ago) sitting on top of his usual library desk. (It didn't even have any piece of note stuck to it stating who the giver was.)

Still, it made Himchan smile (not even wondering how Daehyun got the rose there when he's on the other side of the town town—or how he knew where Himchan would sit in the library—or since when did he like giving roses because Daehyun was Daehyun anyway and he had skills and connections and he'd do anything to please Himchan.)

Himchan was ambling his way out the university building (feeling like a retarded doofus because his cheeks were still red and he couldn't get that eating grin off his face because Daehyun was treating him like a girl and he's supposed to hate that but here he was giggling like a six-year-old) when he noticed Yongguk from the corner of his eye.

Maybe he was a little too happy, a little too high on the clouds that's why he had made a sharp turn toward Yongguk sitting on the back rest of a bench and not on the actual bench seat.

Himchan smiled up at him and Yongguk almost stumbled back in surprise.

"ing creepy ," was the first thing that came out of Yongguk's mouth.

Himchan smoothly dodged off the remark. "What are you doing here?"

Yongguk blinked at the other.

Himchan raised a brow.

"Uh—I'm waiting for—" Yongguk turned his head to look left and right, scrambling for an excuse. "—for—"

"For?"

"For my—for—"

"No one." Himchan snapped and grabbed Yongguk by the arm, dragging him off the bench. "Come on, I'll give you a ride home."

Yongguk began stuttering out protests, attempting to free his arm from Himchan's solid grip. But Himchan wasn't really letting go and they were almost to the parking lot.

"If I were you I wouldn't really kick this one-time offer to the yard because I'm just borrowing this car from Daehyun and Daehyun is a sassy prick who doesn't like hitching just anyone because he loves his car more than he loves me and I'm being nice so you should really just stop resisting and just let me drive you home."

Yongguk had almost forgotten Himchan's potential to continuously blabber without pausing to breathe because Yongguk hadn't seen this side of him in long time and now it kinda startled him a little. (Just a little.)

Yongguk was stupid and Himchan was a weird piece of who could suddenly just drift to another side of his personality out of nowhere so Yongguk gave in, allowing Himchan to push him into the passenger seat of his car.

"Nice smell I'm diggin the air freshener effect," Yongguk said, fanning the air in front of his nose, face scrunched up.

"I know," Himchan grunted as he climbed in the driver's seat, stretching an arm to place his bag on the back seat. "This car smells exactly like its owner."

The rose poking out from the half-opened zipper of Himchan's backpack caught Yongguk's attention and there was a momentarily elated glint in his eye that Himchan hadn't been nowhere near noticing.

"That's from Daehyun," Himchan said—a bit too smugly—when he followed Yongguk's gaze.

Yongguk was about to raise an eyebrow but settled with rolling his eyes instead. Himchan started the engine and paved way out of the university's parking lot.

"Hey, by the way, Himchan," Yongguk said, propping his arm up the side of the car door window. "I'm planning to house a party tomorrow night, if that's okay with you? I mean, I don't mind if you don't want to, we share the dorm anyway and it could get kinda messy so," he shrugged.

"Yeah." Himchan replied, hands still on the steering wheel. "Sure, no problem."

"Really?" Yongguk grinned. "That's great! And you can totally join in too, they're just a bunch of kids from the music department, we're just going to have a few drinks and—"

Himchan tilted his head to the side, unsure of the thought.

"—or if you still have party nostalgia, maybe not." Yongguk sank back in his seat.

Himchan chuckled, turning away from the windshield to give Yongguk a funny look. "You can still figure me out well, huh."

"Yeah, a bit."

Himchan nodded at the road. "That's cool."

The car made a turn to the street of their apartment complex and both Himchan and Yongguk spotted a familiar figure standing on the sidewalk. Yongguk just happened to look back to Himchan when the other's face stretched into a small smile and Yongguk almost frowned—he's the third wheel in the scenario again.

Daehyun cocked his head to their general direction and squinted when the car stopped next to the pavement and there seemed to be more than one person inside the vehicle.

"," Yongguk muttered.

Himchan shuffled out of the car and Yongguk waited—counted a few more seconds in his head before following suit.

Himchan and Daehyun were up against each other in an instant and Yongguk may have seen them that way a couple of times already but he never not wanted to puke.

"'Sup Guk?" Daehyun greeted when he and Himchan were finally a few good inches away from each other.

"Sorry for—" Yongguk tried to verbalize what was on his head—fidgeting with hand movements yet still failing miserably so he just went with pointing to Daehyun's car to refer, "—Himchan offered a ride and he didn't let me turn it down."

"Yeah, I don't mind," Daehyun shook his head but Yongguk knew better and he was seeing a hint of furiousness in his eyes which meant that he totally did mind.

"You guys seem to be heading somewhere else so I'll just get in."

"We're just going to watch a movie," Himchan said, although Yongguk didn't really want to know. "See you later."

Yongguk merely shrugged and with hands inside his jacket pockets, turned away from them to saunter inside his apartment building (before Daehyun could do more than just entangle his fingers with Himchan's to pull him toward their car.)

"Thanks for the rose by the way." Yongguk could still faintly hear Himchan's voice from outside as he marched toward the staircase.

"What rose?" was Daehyun's confused retaliation.

Himchan scoffed. "Don't act like you don't know."

"No, really, what rose?"

There was a sound of one car door closing after another before the engine started. And they were gone.

Yongguk sighed, exasperated, as he continued to trudge up the stairs. 

For the first time, he could fully admit (in his head at least) that he was a bit disappointed that Himchan wasn't going to share the remainder of the day with him because he was with Daehyun again. Consequences of being a , Yongguk concluded as he attempted to push off all the negative thoughts that would just make him feel worse. He arrived in the hallway, now wondering where he would put his second valentine rose for Himchan.

It's easy to pretend that they had been going along well—that they would go along well—that they were two normal guys associated for being roommates—that they were good friends. 

It's easy to ignore everything that could've been said and done, that there were opportunities they left hanging, chances that they let slip. It's easy to put up a facade that they were both okay, living the present time as it was, both sides showing that yeah, we're good, leave everything in the past.

What was hard for Yongguk was having to be constantly reminded by his subconscious that he had broke Himchan and hadn't been able to fulfill his promises. He was still weak enough to admit his mistake—of lying, of thinking if he voiced out the complete opposite of what he really wanted to say, no one will get hurt. And even though there was pressure to make things right again, he just couldn't do it.

And how would you define what was right exactly when Himchan appeared to be more than fine with his relationship with Daehyun and Yongguk's just lucky enough to still be even friends with him despite of all of the things Yongguk wished he hadn't done.

What was hard was facing the present reality that he and Himchan were just two normal guys associated for being roommates—that they were friends—just friends—when there could have been so much more.

And that's exactly what Yongguk wanted.

So much more.

But he wasn't in the position to let Himchan know that—not anymore.

The next day there was a rose taped against Himchan's locker.

Himchan didn't expect that Yongguk invited that many guests to their apartment because the whole place was packed when he got in (he almost forgot Yongguk's party plans that night as he came home from his night classes—no one was answering the doorbell—he used his key and had a hard time opening the door apparently because there was a crowd up to the entrance hall.)

The smell of smoke and alcohol filled the air along with blaring music from the speakers and someone must've brought a disco ball (and set it up on the living room table) because flashy lights were bouncing off the walls and were the only source of light.

Himchan was convinced Yongguk had been lying when he said they're just a few kids from the music department because it looked like everyone taking a music major was here and people (who were still sober enough to recognize faces) greeted him and gave him a pat on the back.

Himchan grinned back to most of them—reminding everyone not to puke on the carpet or have on the couch or throw cigarette butts down the vases. He was trying to find his way to his bedroom door when a stranger's arm s its way around his hip and pulled him close.

Himchan yelped.

"You're home." Yongguk's voice was deeper than usual and it made the tiny hairs on the back of Himchan's neck stand up.

"You're breathing alcohol right on my face," Himchan shot back. He was struggling to expand the distance because Yongguk's nose was almost touching his and that's just dangerously close.

Yongguk snorted, still not taking a step back.

He was drunk, Himchan knew because he was definitely not acting like himself and the bottle of beer in his other hand looked empty (and god knows how many bottles had already been downed before that one.) Around them, the party went on, everyone too drunk to care about their host closing on another man.

Yongguk slowly leaned in—Himchan's weak pushes obviously not working as he himself leaned back. "What are you doing?" Himchan squeaked.

Yongguk stopped, tipsy-hazed eyes right on Himchan's like a bird and its prey, and smirked. "I," Yongguk began, "Am going to get you a drink."

Himchan rolled his eyes. "I don't drink, Yongguk, let me go—" Another failed attempt of freeing himself from Yongguk.

"You at lying."

Himchan frowned.

"I have beer and tequila," Yongguk suggested, waving the bottle of alcohol in his hand in front of them, "Or red wine if you're still too classy for ."

"No," Himchan pressed.

Yongguk scoffed. "Don't be such a party pooper, Kim Himchan, get on with it," He said, "If you don't let me get you a drink, I'll kiss you."

That's it. Himchan shoved Yongguk off with just the enough amount of strength to have the other stumbling back (to have the bottle he was holding slip off his grip and crash land on the carpeted floor.) "You're drunk," Himchan reminded the other, "And stupid, I'm not into your silly games."

Himchan spun around, about to head toward the bedroom hall again when Yongguk reached for his arm, pulled the other for the second time that night, only this time Yongguk caught his lips.

Himchan's incredulity melted off as soon as it came.

He was about to kiss back, almost about to move his lips against Yongguk until the crowd noticed them and there were catcalls and whistles so that's when Himchan realized something and pushed himself off Yongguk.

Yongguk blinked—eyebrows furrowed as he stood frozen in place. It was a struggle between the alcohol in his system and his partly sober mind as he wondered why Himchan broke off the kiss a little too abruptly before the next second in which he realized what the just happened.

Himchan who was able to catch up faster knew that what the just happened was that he allowed his ex-boyfriend to kiss him full on the lips and that wasn't a part of any of his plans.

"You're drunk," Himchan repeated and stalked off toward his bedroom.

The question was why and how it could feel so familiar.

How Himchan could still clearly remember the way Yongguk once held him for himself, how his lips fit against Himchan's so perfectly, so unquestionably, that the vivid memory found its way to today.

Himchan sat on his bed, waiting for the party to end as his head ran through endless thoughts of what could be running in Yongguk's own mind.

Himchan found himself on his way to the darkness of the living room toward the kitchen, being budged awake in the middle of the night by his dry throat. He took a glance at the wall clock on top of the fridge—it was three in the morning.

The apartment was still a mess from the vigor of the party—the sink was full of dinner plates and drinking glasses. Alcohol bottles, empty or not, were scattered on the floor and on the tables. Himchan reached for the nearest half full bottle of beer on the kitchen table and downed it instead of water.

"I thought you said you don't drink."

Himchan placed down the alcohol and reluctantly spun around. Yongguk had his back to him, he was standing on the farthest side of the living room, facing the transparent balcony door that served as a window. He had his left hand inside his jean pockets, the other hand gripping a bottle of tequila.

"Yeah, I thought I said that too."

Yongguk scoffed before drinking some more, not saying anything else. Himchan noticed the pile of bottles by Yongguk's foot and scowled.

"You're about to get the worst hangover of your life tomorrow."

"You don't know me." There seemed to be bleakness in Yongguk's low voice. "I've had way more than this."

Himchan sighed. "Get to rest, Yongguk. It's bedtime."

Yongguk didn't respond, continued to stare out to the starless sky. Himchan riveted over his motionless figure, being unable to understand the turmoil in the other's emotions. His forehead creased with concern until he decided to walk to where Yongguk was.

Himchan's steps were careful, almost inaudible. "Yongguk," he whispered as he halted to face Yongguk's side, "Go to sleep."

Yongguk barely glanced back at Himchan whose longing gaze was on him. And Himchan took this as a note that he should just go, so he turned—but Yongguk stopped him with a clutch on his arm.

"Stay," he whispered.

So Himchan did. 

Himchan stayed.

Silence hung in the air as they both stood just a meter apart from each other's sides, not really waiting for anything, not really much thrilled to have each other as company. But they were there anyway. They were there because that's the least they could be for each other—company—no matter how one of them could wish to be more.

It took a moment. But Yongguk finally spoke.

"You know what's worse than saying nothing at all?"

It was a rhetorical question. But Himchan looked at him, not knowing where the other was heading to—but now up close, Himchan saw more than a drunken haze in the other's eyes.

"It's saying all the wrong things—all at once."

Himchan watched as Yongguk's gaze slowly drifted off from the sky and to the floor, shoulders drooping and fingers beginning to tremble slightly.

"It's inflicting pain to the person you've been directing to because all you've said is nothing that you've been wanting to say—nothing that you know they want to hear."

It was then when Himchan felt stings in the contraction and expansion of his lungs, and he trekked his gaze away from Yongguk.

"You feel like you want to go back to that time now that you're sane enough to realize that you might have just made the hugest mistake of you're life. But now it's too late to get things right... you've ran out of time...

I feel that way everyday, and it hurts... everyday..."

Himchan felt Yongguk's eyes turn to him, but he couldn't look back—couldn't possibly hold it in. He was afraid to talk, afraid to do anything, afraid to see the anguish that he could hear in Yongguk's shaking voice.

"I miss you, Himchan."

Himchan's lower lip trembled. Each breath hurt, each heartbeat beginning to pain him.

"You're here, you've been here longer than I had expected you to stay, but I still feel like no matter how close you get to me there'd always be a thick barrier making it impossible for me to reach out to you—as much as i want to.

Maybe I shouldn't have been to stupid to lie to you telling you that you don't matter to me anymore because you still do... then maybe right now, you'd tell me that it's still me, you'd tell me that you waited for me, you'd tell me that you love me.

Because I still do. So much.

I never stopped."

"Yongguk—"

"Maybe I shouldn't have been too stupid because I have assumed I have no feelings for you anymore but in reality you've never left my mind for the past three years. And it's dumb to expect you would have done the same—it's dumb—but I still wish you had."

Himchan wanted to tell Yongguk to stop but there was a harrowing pain in his chest that made it impossible for him to do so. And it's surprising, really, because Yongguk's words should have no effect on him anymore.

"It's hard. It's so hard to keep myself from hurting in all those years when all that was replaying in my head is your crying face and even until now no matter how much I would want to prove that I am sorry, it will never be enough but I am.

And as crazy as it sounds this is me now... asking you for another chance...

I want you back Himchan.

I want you to choose me instead of him."