It was in the middle of the afternoon when Himchan stopped in his tracks at the top of the staircase because he saw Yongguk leaning against the wall next to the apartment door—headphones on, arms crossed and staring at the floor. What's he doing outside?

Himchan adjusted the sling of his bag on his shoulder and slowly but cautiously walked closer toward Yongguk, despite knowing he couldn't hear him anyway.

It's been about two weeks since Himchan moved in the new apartment but his flat mate relationship with Yongguk hadn't improved a bit. Yongguk usually had morning classes and would stay out until the wee hours of the night. Where he'd spend his time at, Himchan wouldn't bother to ask. Though Himchan's frequently at home, he would lock himself in his room more often than not. He would only come out either just to leave for school or for grocery or for the rare hangouts he would be invited to. The only times he would truly enjoy staying at home was every time Daehyun would come to visit him, which had only been twice since Himchan moved in.

Himchan assumed that maybe he and Yongguk were never meant to have the chance to have a good going friendship for the least.

Yongguk looked up and flinched when he saw Himchan standing just a meter away from him. ", you surprised me."

Himchan shrugged and trudged toward the front door. "Sorry," he said as he fished out his jingly keys out of his back pocket. "What's up? Why are you out here?"

Yongguk pulled down his headphones to his neck, biting his lip in hesitation. "I, uh," he cleared his throat, "forgot my keys."

Himchan was in the middle of opening the door but he settled first on twisting his head around to offer Yongguk a judging look.

Yongguk blinked. "What?"

Himchan shook his head in disbelief and entered the apartment, leaving the door open for Yongguk. He sent his bag flying across the living room to land on the couch before marching up the kitchen.

"Great I didn't decide on staying in the library or you would have waited for four more hours," Himchan remarked, head poked inside the fridge.

Yongguk collapsed on the bean bag with a huff. "Now who stays in a library for four hours?"

Himchan stood straight, closed the fridge with a glare of discontent, muttering something about forgetting to do some grocery before attacking the cupboards next. "Don't get me wrong," he went on, grunting as reached for a ramen pack, "I was after the free wifi."

Yongguk laughed at that. "Good tactic."

"Ramen?" Himchan cocked his head a bit in Yongguk's direction, offering a suggestive look.

Hesitation was momentarily evident in Yongguk's face. He opened his mouth to say yes that'd be nice only to have his churning stomach beat him to it.

"I missed your cooking."

"Shut up, Yongguk, it's just noodles."

"It's the best meal you could make though."

Himchan attempted to kick Yongguk on the thigh, the other swerving with a flinch.

Yongguk grinned at him. "Let's just say that if I was on a lock down and there was a homemade chicken soup served on the dining table for the two weeks I haven't been eating, you were probably the one holding me hostage."

By then Himchan was downright offering him a glare which meant that if he didn't shut up any minute he'd sent the fork on his hand flying toward Yongguk's face.

Yongguk was chortling.

Both men were sprawled on the huge sofa, had their backs on each side of the wide arm rest, pillows on their laps and legs entangled as they nursed themselves with their own cups of ramen. It was the closest actual physical contact they've had for more than two minutes, and though it initially felt very uncomfortable, Himchan managed to get through between Yongguk and his snide remarks and the war movie playing on the television.

"No, but seriously," Yongguk gulped down a serving, pointing at Himchan with his fork, "I did miss it."

Himchan raised a brow at the other, but the way Yongguk was gazing back at him made Himchan's composure falter.

This is casual talk. Stay in the sidelines.

Himchan averted his gaze back to Pearl Harbor on TV. "Probably since you can’t even cook a proper serving of noodles yourself, Yongguk."

“I'm so close to perfecting it though. It's all I ate in Japan."

Himchan had to look back at the other again.

“It was me and noodles against the world.” Yongguk chuckled, but there was no amusement in his eyes.

Himchan vaguely recalled how he took care of Yongguk before. How he demanded for him to eat healthily and to watch his diet, some of these kind conversations even used to lead to arguments.

Looking back to it, Himchan can now clearly distinguish how different Yongguk looked now. He’s gotten quite thinner, there were dark shades underneath his eyes, and his lips weren’t as pink. The glow that used to be apparent in his cheeks had long disappeared.

It felt like forever ago.

“So you hadn't been dating?” Himchan regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth because this is definitely not staying in the sidelines.

Yongguk arched a brow, obviously hadn’t been expecting that Himchan would’ve asked such a question—or even be interested in that part of his life with their current situation as ex lovers who unfortunately had to meet again by some sick force of ugly fate.

“Well.” Yongguk tilted his head, a bit reluctant. “I do—but—hadn't been in anything serious for a while now.”

Himchan wondered whether a while meant since their serious relationship ended.

Himchan wondered why their serious relationship even ended.

Himchan knew that Yongguk was also aware of the unsettled matter between the both of them (because god ing dammit Yongguk you just left without a proper explanation.) And it disturbed Himchan that he was still bothered about it until now because the matter did not need settling anymore because they were not in love with each other anymore.

Yongguk’s sigh broke Himchan's reverie.

“Guess I’ll hit the sack for a few hours.” Yongguk stood up from the couch with a groan and placed his now-empty cup of noodles on the coffee table next to his discarded headphones.

Wait.

Himchan narrowed his eyes on the headphones.

“Thanks, Himchan.” Yongguk turned to him. “For not staying in the library after class. For the ramen, too."

With difficulty, Himchan dragged his full attention back to the man in front of him. "Next time, don't forget your keys, Guk."

"Roger that," Yongguk said with a wink before disappearing toward the bedroom hall.

Himchan stayed in place for a moment as his eyes drifted once again to the object on top of the coffee table.

He shook his head, telling himself to get rid of all the assumptions. He stood up from the couch, planning to get some rest as well—or to start on his paperwork—or to do the dishes—or to do just anything, actually, to distract him from Yongguk and from the fact that he had kept the headphones Himchan had bought him for his birthday years ago.

The temperature had clearly dropped ten degrees since morning because as Himchan walked toward the campus parking lot, his teeth were clattering altogether and he almost dropped his car keys thrice.

He scrunched up his nose, cursing the weather for what seemed like the hundredth time until his gaze fell upon a figure leaning against the rear of his car a few meters away. 

The person waved at him cutely along with a smile so warm it made Himchan completely forget about the algid weather.

Daehyun stretched his arms out for Himchan who immediately melted into his boyfriend's embrace the moment he arrived in front of him.

"I missed you." Himchan mumbled, nose buried in Daehyun's shoulder. "And is this your new perfume because you smell like roasted oranges."

"Not sure if that's a compliment or not, but yes, I missed you too," Daehyun replied before pressing a kiss on the other's hair.

Himchan pulled away just enough to look at Daehyun (whose smile was so wide it was tugging his eyes up along with it.) "Are you free for the rest of the day?"

Daehyun tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, I guess so."

Himchan grinned. "What do you want to eat?"

Himchan totally did not expect to see him (to see them) the moment he sauntered inside the small ice cream parlor with Daehyun on his tail. Yongguk was on the farthest side of the premises (easily noticeable) sitting across a young looking boy who had blond hair almost as pale as his skin. Something funny seemed to have come up because Yongguk was laughing to his closed fist and the other boy was almost choking on his pistachio cone. Himchan diverted his gaze just as Yongguk wiped the smudge of ice cream off the corner of the blond kid's mouth.

Following a pang of disapproval that seemed to have gotten stuck somewhere in his throat, the scene immediately made Himchan's mood turn sour.

He reached for Daehyun's sleeve and made a sharp turn out the entrance.

Daehyun stumbled to the sidewalk. "I thought we—"

"I know a restaurant in the next block. I've lost my appetite for ice cream."

"What's up with you I thought you were happy to see me." Daehyun jutted out his lower lip.

"Oh, believe me, I haven't been more delighted seeing anyone else."

"Holy ." 

Himchan blurted out before he could stop himself, backing against the door and causing it to close shut. Really now, what else would you say when you come home to your apartment and see a complete stranger putting up his jeans at the end of the entrance hall when you flick on the lights?

Two seconds of ringing awkward silence as they stared at each other's startled eyes before the tall pale stranger proceeded on buttoning his pants and grabbing the rest of his clothes on the floor to put them on while his face turned redder than a tomato. Himchan turned his back on him—pretending that he didn't see the guy's blue boxers—as he tried to work out some sort of explanation as to why there would be a person in his dorm at one in the morning.

Then he realized that the stranger was blond and was the same kid he saw sitting with Yongguk in the ice cream parlor earlier today.

He was turning around and was halfway into the words I'm really sorry, you must be Yongguk's date, you really should've just used the bathroom, but hey, my bad, how about some midnight snacks?  When the other boy flashed past Himchan and scurried out the door like the damned place was on fire.

And for the second time that day, the door banged close (loud enough to wake up everyone living in the same floor that Himchan wouldn't be surprised if they would end up receiving complaints from the landlord later in the afternoon.)

"Yeah I ain't that hungry too," Himchan told the air.

"Another one gone," someone grunted.

Yongguk was discreetly walking toward the kitchen from the bedroom hall, hair tousled in every direction possible as he rubbed his face with his hands. Himchan tried not to stare as Yongguk's fitted tee hugged his toned front and his gray pajamas emphasized his small hips (he had clearly worked out well over the last three years and Himchan couldn't help but just pay attention to how it had done wonders to his body and to just be so ing mesmerized about it.)

Yongguk leaned back to the side of the kitchen counter facing the living room and groaned. With only the entrance hall lights on, it was dim throughout the apartment, but Himchan sensed the kind of atmosphere they were sharing at the moment.

Himchan paced toward where Yongguk was and saw the apparent dismay on his face.

"What—" Himchan cut himself short, not really knowing what question to ask.

Yongguk chewed on his bottom lip.

"Hey," Himchan tried again. "You okay? Should I call him back? Pretty sure he wouldn't be able to find a cab yet at this hour."

Yongguk shook his head. "Nah, man, don't mind it. I'm used to it."

"Used to what?"

"These things," Yongguk answered, running a hand through his messed up hair. "Them leaving in the middle of the night." There was something about the way he was scowling that made Himchan want to put him in a corner and drape a blanket across his shoulders.

"You didn't need to give in so fast."

"It's just," Yongguk sighed. "I'm stuck between just wanting to get off and wanting a serious relationship. The next thing I know things had went both ways and it always doesn't end well."

Himchan pondered for a moment, leaning back to the counter next to Yongguk. They were looking right across the living room—out the transparent door to the balcony. 

Two stars were vividly visible from right where they were, a contrasting glow against the dark shade of the sky. They were far away from each other. A little too far away.

"Who is he?" Himchan broke the momentary silence.

"Junhong," said Yongguk. "I was alone in the music department's studio a few days back, went out for a few minute break and when I came back he was there rapping to one of my music sheets." He sighed again followed by low chuckle. "He had a different tone and pace but still I was amazed. Kind of faltered when I found out he was a son of one of my professors but—yeah, we went on a couple of dates and this is how it ended."

Himchan frowned, Yongguk was talking about this Junhong guy a little too dreamily than adequate.

"Thought we clicked, you know, we're sharing a bunch of similarities. He's on the same field I had been in during high school."

Himchan blinked. "He's in high school?"

"Yeah, he's quite young."

"Huh," Himchan snorted. "Yongguk, you know how high school is, it's just a bunch of misguided options and reckless decisions, you're really expecting a serious relationship with him?"

"It's not what rank he's in. I'm just no good with anyone."

"Don't be ridiculous. You just don't have to hurry things up. Just approach him first thing in the morning and talk it all out."

Yongguk looked down. And there was a stretch of silence before he spoke up again, as if unsure with his next words. "Was I yours?"

"My what?" Himchan asked, puzzled.

"Reckless decision. Was I your reckless decision?"

Himchan was caught off guard. He turned his head and looked over at Yongguk.

Yongguk returned the gaze hesitantly, wearing an expression Himchan couldn't fathom this time. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, trying to figure each other out.

Himchan held his breath, diverting his gaze back to the balcony door. "Well I knew I was your misguided option."

All those months of heartache was staring Himchan in the face again—this time, literally. And he wanted to be angry, he wanted to scream—that much he knew he deserved. But the years just made Himchan grow weaker, because until now he still couldn't admit to himself that he had completely moved on. Despite of everything, something still forced him to read between the lines, to consider the possibilities hindered by reality.

And at the moment, Himchan wondered what could have happened if Yongguk didn't have to leave, if, at that moment, there wasn't a different person in his heart.

Yongguk's gaze dropped. "No," he denied. "You weren't—"

"Hey," Himchan said. "It's fine. I get it."

"No, listen, Himchan." Yongguk struggled, eyes boring into Himchan's once again. "I'm sorry."

Himchan's eye widened. But regaining his composure quickly, he pressed his lips together in a fine line, jaw tightening. His ears were ringing and he felt so tense that he had too look away from the sincerity in Yongguk's eyes that he didn't want to believe.

Yongguk was once a person he shared all kinds of intimacy with, and now they're here, so close but so far away. And Himchan had to take a grip on himself so that he wouldn't have to reach again.

Because he didn't have to.

He didn't want to.

"Yongguk," Himchan's voice cracked. "I know it's been a long day for you, it is for me too. You should rest."

Without giving Yongguk another look, Himchan left the dim lighted space, retreating to the darkness of his own bedroom. He had allowed Yongguk to break the barriers he built yet again, arrived to the point he'd been dying to come up to, oblivious to the fact that those two words can bring so much pain. 

And for the first time in three years, Himchan shed tears for the same man.