t w o 

"When you left me

A part of me died a little inside"

We both lay down on the patch of grass, with our hands placed behind the back of our heads as we stared high up at the sky.

It was nice enjoying the gentle breeze of the wind, with the birds chirping around us noisily. I inhaled the fresh smell of blooming flowers. Spring is definitely my favourite season.

Suho was the first to break the silence between us. (And yes, I’ve gotten used to calling him Suho)

“What do you want to become later when you’ve grown up?”

I thought about it for a moment.

“A painter,” I answered after awhile. “I want to be known for my beautiful paintings and artworks.”

When I didn’t get any response from him, I turned my head to the left and nudged him with my elbow.

“Yah, what about you?”

Suho’s face was calm when he replied me. “A singer. I want to be able to sing on the stage one day.”

I frowned a little. “In front of so many people? Aren’t you scared?”

He faced me and shook his head.

“No, I don’t think there’s anything to be afraid of. It’ll be cool, wouldn’t it?”

I scrunched up my nose and looked up at the sky once again. “No, it’s not.”

I felt him pinching my arm hard.

“Ow! What was that for?” I glared at him.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend!” He pouted. “Why are you so mean?”

“Don’t pout,” I said. “You look ugly.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do!”

“No, I don’t!”

“You are, you are, you are!”

He stood up abruptly, brushing off the back of his jeans as he did so. Scowling down at me, he shouted, “I hate you!”

I shut my eyes close, choosing to ignore him instead. A few seconds later, I heard his footsteps walking away. I still had my eyes closed as I thought to myself, is he really leaving me behind?

But just as I bit my lips hard, and trying to control my trembling body, I heard footsteps trudging back slowly towards where I was still lying down.

“Get up,” Suho’s quiet voice instructed me.

I remained stubborn.

I felt him tugging at my arm urgently. “Chorongie, get up. I’m not going to leave you behind and let the bad guys catch you.”

I let him pull me up but I still kept quiet. Because I was afraid if I open my mouth, he would know that his last statement actually made my heart flutters inside.

I was also afraid that he would know, the real reason why I was being ‘mean’ about his whole dream.

I didn’t want him to become a singer; I didn’t want him to become famous.

As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to share him with anyone else.

I was curled up by the window, reading a new storybook which eomma had bought for me, when the doorbell suddenly rang.

I didn’t think much about it and had just flipped on to the next page when Suho came running in with a white, ashen face.

I immediately closed my book and pushed it aside. Sitting up straighter, I asked, “What’s wrong? I thought you were going to spend time with your family today.”

He looked like he had just seen a ghost. Seeing that he still was still remained frozen on his spot, I slid off my seat and neared him.

I opened my mouth to ask him something else, when he suddenly threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly.

Really tightly.

My awkward arms wrapped his body slowly. I was still puzzled.

“What’s wrong, Joonmyun?”

And then I heard the soft sobs.

My best friend was actually crying.

Throughout the years I have known him, I have never seen him cried in front of me once.

Never.

My heart was suddenly beating very fast. If it made him cry, it wasn’t good news.

“I don’t want to go away Chorongie...” he whispered in between sobs. “I d-don’t want to l-leave...”

My body stiffened up instantly. It was as if, my whole world came crashing down right at that second. Everything else in the room was spinning in a slow, nauseous motion.

It made me sick; very sick.

I didn’t need to grow a year older to fully understand what he was talking about. It hurts all the same.

It hurts.

A lot.

He could sense the sudden change in me because it was his turn to ask, “Are you okay?”

I couldn’t answer him. Because, just like everything else, I felt as though I had lost my voice momentarily.

I had lost the ability to speak.