"Unnie!"

I sat by the window in our dorm accompanied by a squeeze bottle of honey and a tea pot full of rose buds, chrysanthemum, and black tea. Despite the beautiful day, I felt that indoors was the better place to be. The tea was wonderfully warm, drizzled with a bit of sweet that floated about the bottom with some crumbled leaves. It had a sort of cooling effect on me, keeping me calm. Good thing, too. Without this harmless chill nature, I probably not have reacted any better to the news that was to reach my ears.

"Lindi Unnie!" Young-Ju came running through the living room towards me with her yellow laptop in my hands.

"Neh?" I looked up, my glasses hanging at the edge of my nose. I usually fix them, but after a while, I just don't care anymore. I don't need to see everything.

"Did you know that Onew Oppa and Jiyoung Unnie were dating now?!" She said in a fast ramble.

I shot up, practically knocking over the tea pot were it not for my quick reflexes that caught it before it hit the ground. Of course, that didn't prevent my hands from the burn of the hot water. "B-Bwoh? Wae?! WHEN?!"

Young-Ju set the laptop down in front of me. She typed a few words into the search box and showed me an article. The article was enough to make me cry, but my bitter nature automatically stopped me from doing so in front of my dongsaeng.

From day one, I was never the type of person that openly expressed my feelings, especially sadness or hurt. Whenever anything would have my body become entranced by such things... I found myself trying to change the subject just to get my mind off it. Anything, I'd do anything to stay away from sadness. The mere thought of having a pain embedded deep in your heart and never being able comfort it with anything, that's like being helpless. It's like watching a loved one call out your name and not being able to answer.


"Lee Onew, leader of SHINee, has just been spotted with the Red Diamonds's maknae, Lee Jiyoung!

The two went restaurant hopping recently. Is this a new couple on the scene? We know Jiyoung has previously stated that her ideal man was someone along the lines of Kim Jonghyun, but with his strong relationship with The Romantic's lead vocalist Shen Lindi, Jiyoung must have given up on those feelings.

Netizens have recently given positive and negative comments about this relationship, now calling the new couple OnYoung. Cute, right?"


I read the first sentence a few times over. Onew and... Jiyoung?

"Unnie, how could he not tell us!" Young-Ju threw her arms down in frustration. "Did Jonghyun Oppa tell you anything?"

"Huh?" I looked up at her, for the first time tearing my eyes away from the computer's bright screen. "Oh... No, I had no idea."

I secretly hoped, in the back of my head, that it was just all some script from MNet Scandal or something. I hoped that maybe it was just some fake... screen play. Or possibly, they were filming a CF or a drama that called for them to be together in some way. Anything that could have satisfied my nerves, I all played it out in my head. Onew and Jiyoung?

"Unnie? Gwenchaneyo?" Young-Ju put her hand on my shoulder.

"Ch-Cho... Choneun..." I stuttered on my own words, searching for anything to say just to fill the silence.

"I'll get your some more hot water for your tea." Young-Ju nodded, grabbing the tea pot and scurrying off towards the kitchen.

By now, my red, burned hands didn't hurt as it did before. My heart ached so much more. The man I had devoted part of my heart... maybe all of my heart to, he's just been ripped away from me.

But how can I even bare to say such things? He was never mine. It was like I was just gripping onto the edge of his sleeve, praying to never let go despite all other options. My grip on his sleeve, it might as well have just been released.

And yet, I can't wallow in my actions. I had no idea Jiyoung liked Jonghyun Oppa. But... she never told me. She knew I liked Onew from the very beginning. That should have counted for so much more. I didn't reveal it to the public, hoping that she'd listen. I told her as a friend.

Young-Ju came back with the full tea pot. She set it down beside me before sitting down. "Anything on your mind?"

"I love him." I whispered through my quivering lips.

"Bwoh? Who? Jonghyun Oppa?"

I couldn't even bring myself to answer because I didn't know what to say. I pushed my chair back, standing up slowly. The hot tea swirled around as I disturbed the table, ever so still. Young-Ju gleamed at me with large eyes, waiting for me to answer her.

"Excuse me." I bowed, dragging my feet in the direction of my room. At the moment, it all seemed so far away.

The dorm was so quiet. Everything was still.

I was playing cat and mouse with my feelings, letting them flood me but then running away to stop the pain that I knew would eventually drown me in a form of emotional suicide. For Onew though... I think the pain would have been worth it. To be his and only his, it would have been my heaven. It was only now that I realized, Jonghyun had not entered my mind once. I couldn't even say that words, "At least, I still have Jonghyun." as comfort.

I pushed the door to my room open, letting it swing all the way before bumping against the wall behind it. I didn't even care anymore. Sitting on my bed, I look straight ahead without any emotion, allowing my emotions to flood my being. I felt so vulnerable right now. Being vulnerable... It's not the same as being weak, but I might as well be. I'm weak. I didn't deserve this path, an idol's path. I should have just accepted that being a trainee even if for a little bit longer was best.

Before I knew it, I felt back on my comforter, still not feeling anything.

"I don't understand anything anymore." I whispered to myself, for the first time in a while experiencing the sensation of a burning tear drop sliding down my skin. I could feel the scarring saline on me. It hurt more than I remembered. Then again... Memories, good or bad, never feel the same when they're repeated back to you. Pain, the pinching of skin or the breaking of a fragile heart, is never the same the second time around. It's either less painful or more painful. And right now, I'm feeling more pain than ever.

"No one can understand everything." A voice, vaguely similar to Onew's said before me.

I tilted my head up. Onew stood at my door in skinny jeans, a white v-neck, and a black hoodie. He pursed his lips together, holding up his fist and knocking on my already open door, mockingly.

"Can I come in?" He chuckled in the slightest.

"No." I answered with a crackling voice, putting my head back down on my bed.

I heard his footsteps coming towards me despite my harsh reply to him.

"You were always like that, you know." My bed sunk in when he sat down next to me. "You'd say no at first, but a few seconds later you'd change your mind and say yes."

I sighed, "I got that from my grandfather. Quick to answer."

Onew leaned over me so I could see his face. "Have you been crying?"

I guess that one tear drop was enough to turn my eyes red. I shook my head. "It's nothing."

"I've never seen you cry before." He laughed once, almost scoffing. "You told me crying was for the weak once."

"Yea, well, we all have to be weak sometimes. And other times, we have no choice but to be just that. Weak." I averted my eyes elsewhere.

What Onew did next, surprised me the most. Onew laid down beside me, mimicking my position. He turned his head to the side, waiting for my gaze to meet his. "Do you hate me?" He asked, hesitantly.

"If only you knew what I thought of you." My voice escaped me, a trembling breath of a statement instead of a coherent sentence. I stared at the ceiling as more tears found their way to the surface and pooled over onto my comforter.

"Hey," Onew sat up and pulled me up with him, bringing me into his chest. He hushed me, "Don't cry..."

"That's all I feel like doing lately," I whispered. My tears left little traces on his shirt.

"Please," he started again. "Don't cry."

"Why shouldn't I?" I attempted to push him away, and he let me. I looked at him dead in the eyes. "I shouldn't cry? Why? Because the only one you want to comfort is Jiyoung? Is that it?"

"How could you even say that?" Onew looked at me unbelievably.

"I don't trust my own words, but because of you, I'm really starting to." I glared through the salt water. "That day at the dance studio, you looked at me with such... hate. I couldn't even bring myself to walk up to you and let you comfort me like you always did when I was a trainee. I was scared to even get close to you despite how much I wanted to."

Onew shook his head. "Hate? Is that what you thought?"

"What else could it have been?"

"You really don't remember what happened before that, do you." Onew stated solemnly.

I turned away. "Should I?"

Onew stood up abruptly. "Yea, you should. You'd understand everything if you could just remember."

My eyes met him once more. "Right now, that's all I wish I could do."

I sat there with Onew in front of me. Out of nowhere, Onew took a light hold of my chin and made me face him. He placed his lips on mine softly. It was like kissing silk that smelled faintly of chrysanthemum. The sparks in my head shot off, not holding back at all.

Onew pulled himself away. He sighed, "Please... Try to remember."

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Deleted the Idol Army chapter. Meh. It made no sense anyway.

Comment!

By the way, who do you think Lindi should end up with? What do you think happened just before Lindi fell and the others found her?