Title: Nyctophobia
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: GRi
Length: 4 441
Summary: There are things which are worse than the dark.
Warnings: Character death, dysfunctional relationships.
Notes: This is for the seungrificfests 1st ficmix competition. :D I really hope you like this dear :3 I tried really hard... Yeh, I'm not proud that I left it until the last 48 hours somehow, but I'm proud that I managed to actually write this in that time aha. And, in my defence... exams = life/I overreact at everything, more melodramatic than Hamlet here. I actually had a go at everything: remixing 'Why You,' the prompt 'Jar of Hearts,' and this one 'Light of My Life.' Hope that I've written in a way that you wouldn't expect; tbh, I didn't expect this, it wasn't meant to end this way...

Remixee author: spyce10
Title of work you remixed:
Link to work you remixed:
Prompt used: 'Light of My Life.'


 

‘Love is like a friendship caught on fire.’

Chapter 1

The lights flickered for a moment, before dying out altogether.

‘.’

I reached my hand out desperately, feeling about for some sort of anchor in the pitch black, but to no avail. Failing that - I lifted my hand to my head, running it through my hair, swallowing hard. An uncomfortable feeling began to rise; I could feel tears beginning to form.

‘Did I not pay the electricity bill...? I know I’ve been falling behind with payments but…’

My mind raced, trying to visualise my bank transaction details, but only came up with the image of my landlord smirking at me smugly as I bowed respectfully and diligently said 'Good Morning'. Logic, and anything else of use, had little place in my panic stricken mind.

I felt my way blindly to the door, not caring about knocking over stacks of paper which fluttered towards the floor, noisily informing me of their descent. I broke out into the corridor, leaving a trail of wreckage behind, only to be greeted by the same inky blackness. This was silent too; all I could hear was my own ragged breathing and pounding heartbeat. Inertia set in now that there was no escape.

‘Hey,’ a voice called out from the darkness.

My heart leapt out of my chest. I was uncertain what to feel just yet.

On hearing nothing in reply, the voice called out again, ‘I think we’re having a blackout since the whole building’s out; I’ve been to check but I don’t think anyone knows what’s going on.’

I let out a sigh of relief; I could trust this voice, it sounded sincere, and I was glad of his logic. I took in a deep breath, slumping against the wall, but my heart refused to slow. Silence continued to hang in the air.

‘Sorry, I have no candles,’ the voice ventured again, and another pause followed.

‘H…ey,’ I choked out, realising that I had not said anything in a long time.

‘Oh! I almost thought I’d been talking to myself then - was beginning to feel a bit stupid,’ said the voice brightly.

I smiled nervously in the darkness. Footsteps came closer now. A hand reached out and touched my shoulder before snaking down to my clammy hand. I was too panicked to be self-conscious about it. I gripped on tightly to the hand he offered.

‘Are you okay?’ the voice asked.

‘Y…eh… I just…’ my smile turned to a grimace that I knew he couldn’t see. I gave up any attempt at explanation, exasperated at my own inability to elaborate. ‘I’m Seungri,’ I informed him instead.

‘My name’s Jiyong,’ he stated with a squeeze of my hand in his. ‘Let’s go stay in my apartment until this blackout is over.’

He led me back to his place which turned out to be only a few doors down. I held on to his hand tightly throughout the blackout as light did not reappear until the morning.

And just like that, Jiyong shone a light, even without candles, on my days.

Chapter 2

I hadn’t seen Jiyong around the building before, never mind spoken to him, but by the end of the blackout I felt like I had known him since forever. He had talked throughout the blackout as I simply listened to the soothing hum of his voice as he told me all about his past and his hopes and dreams.

‘I moved here to be closer to the school where I teach. I am a Professor of Literature…well, not quite yet... I’m in training, but I will be.’

He overflowed with enthusiasm and optimism. In my sleep deprived state, I imagined him embodied in a Cheshire cat grin, and it made me grin too.

He made the blackout bearable. It had turned out to be nothing more than a freak problem with the circuit boards in the building, but this minor detail was lost on me.

It was mortifying that I held on to what most children grew out of by the age of 12. I knew it was irrational, but logic had little place in my mind whether I was panicked or not, apparently. Like any fear, it didn’t help that I knew it was irrational; it just made it all the more embarrassing. I preferred to call it nyctophobia, but this did not change the fact that I had a fear of the dark. It wasn’t such a problem anymore; it wasn’t like I couldn’t just keep the lights on at night, but every so often I found myself in the dark again.

Nothing had been going right lately and I had, in a way, been barely surprised at the blackout; it was just another unfortunate incident to add to my long list of ‘Unfortunate Incidents’. Ever since moving out from the shelter of my parents, I had faced the harsh realities of paying rent and bills and grocery costs on a salary which simply did not go far enough.

Not to mention the difficulties of balancing study on top of this; I was taking classes at the local university for management and the workload was immense. I had found myself studying into the early hours of the morning almost every day of every week for the past term. There was no break from the relentless stream of things I had to do and I felt that it would only be a matter of time before something broke.

* * *

I awoke from my shallow sleep lying across Jiyong’s sofa with my head in his lap and his hand still lightly resting atop of mine. His apartment currently consisted of the sofa we had fallen asleep on and a sea of boxes, which gave an image of organised chaos.

It was strange waking up to a face I had never seen. I looked up at my awkward angle, spending a moment taking in his flawless smooth white skin and platinum blonde hair. He was unlike any Professor of Literature I had seen before but I found myself feeling envious of his students. I found myself wondering what he would make of me.

I tried to get up as quietly as possible and make my way through this chaos without disturbing him, but his eyes flashed open immediately.

‘Good morning,’ he said sleepily.

‘Good morning,’ I replied, a little hesitant, ‘thanks for letting me stay last night when I was …’ I trailed off my sentence.

‘You’re not very good at finishing sentences are you?’ Jiyong observed teasingly.

I gave a sheepish smile and surveyed the scene awkwardly.

‘Do you want a coffee?’ I asked, making a vague hand gesture in the direction of my apartment, hoping he wouldn’t notice the change of subject.

He didn’t.

‘Yeh, let’s go.’

* * *

‘Did you just move here too? Your apartment is such a mess!’ 

I watched bemusedly as he walked into my apartment before me and regarded the state in which I had left it. Although my apartment was always messy, it currently looked like a war zone.

‘I was in a rush to get out?’ I stated in an almost questioning tone, unsure if this was an adequate excuse for the mess.

Jiyong chuckled. ‘Sure you were.’

He stepped over my papers and the haphazardly placed chair as he made his way to the kitchen. I quickly hurried behind him, picking up the papers and adjusting the chair before putting the kettle on.

‘Make yourself at home,’ I suggested even though it looked like he already had. Jiyong had wandered through into my bedroom and was examining my bookshelf, I suppose, as any literary enthusiast would.

I busied myself with making coffee, trying to distract myself from feeling anxious about a practical stranger being in my room. Just the smell of the coffee woke me up and I basked in the rays of sunlight shining in through the window. It made me feel a little better.

Just as I was about to add milk to the coffee, Jiyong re-emerged from my room. He was flicking through a copy of ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ a text from my days as a college student. It was a text I did not care for much. He peeped over the edge of the book.

‘That’s not how you make coffee,’ he laughed, book quickly forgotten.

‘You should add the milk after you add the sugar or else the sugar may not dissolve at all. You shouldn’t have so much sugar anyway it’s bad for you,’ he said, tipping the spoon back until only half remained.

I moved aside for him to work as he busied himself, making coffee for the both of us. It tasted bitter but it was warm and did its job of perking me up to deal with the rest of the day. It was nice being looked after.

Chapter 3

‘We should give each other a spare key, in case of any emergencies,’ he’d said. ‘Neighbours… friends, should look out for each other.’

He smiled as he pressed the key into my hand which he held. Its coldness burned on my palm.

We soon used them for far more than emergencies - unless boredom or loneliness constituted as emergencies.

Soon enough, I learnt everything about him: from the way he liked his coffee (practically sugarless but with lots of milk, semi-skimmed milk) to his pet peeves (half-heartedness, he would accept no less than 110% in anything). We settled into a state of familiarity which consisted of morning coffees made ‘right’ and long talks into the night, much like the first day we had met.

Familiarity began to transcend into something more. There was no announcement or acknowledgement at all of our changed relationship. It happened all without my knowing.  He would steal kisses from me whenever possible and he gave me the most beautiful dark, crimson roses for no particular reason.

He introduced fun back into my life where before had only consisted of a stack of half-finished to-do-lists and empty coffee cups. He introduced spontaneity where before there was a monotonous routine of sleep deprival and loneliness. His smile lit up any room and I needed that, craved it.

* * *

‘Do you want to stay over tonight?’ Jiyong asked as the credits of the film rolled to an end. It was way past midnight; way past any sort of sensible time.

I bit my lip. I would have jumped at the chance, jumped, had it not been for my nyctophobia. What were the chances that he wouldn’t mind sleeping with all the lights on? He’d been curious enough at my insistence to keep the lights on dimly during the film.

‘No. It’s okay thanks,’ I replied with a shy smile.

‘Come on, I’m not going to try anything,’ he ribbed as he got up, towering over me and holding out his hand. We’d started sitting on the sofa but had somehow ended up on the floor in front of it, swathed in a throw and bits of popcorn.

‘Uhmm, okay then,’ I said; it never took much to change my mind where Jiyong was concerned.

We slipped under the cool covers of the bed and he wrapped around me, holding me tightly. I still shivered though. It was so quiet after he’d said ‘goodnight,’ and now he slept serenely next to me while a million thoughts raced through my mind much too loudly. I thought I could do this, but I most definitely couldn’t. It was ridiculous that I couldn’t sleep in the dark, and my mother and father had always thought that I would get over it. They’d tried a lot of things, but when I’d screamed for the 13th time at 2:00 in the morning they gave up on the tough love idea and gave me a night-light.

I thought I could hear footsteps. The pipes from this side of the flat made strange, inhuman noises that sounded strangely mournful. I lay there looking into the dark, unseeing.

‘Seungri,’ whispered Jiyong at the back of my neck.

I jumped this time, jumped out of my skin. Tears threatened to fall.

‘Woah, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you were awake. I’ve never slept with someone so tense before so I thought...’ he listened intently and heard my barely concealed whimpers. ‘Look, if you don’t want to stay here then you can go.’

There was a strange edge to his voice. I was unrestrained now. ‘No, no, I really want to stay.’

‘Are you sure?’ he questioned.

‘Yes. Don’t let me go.’

He hugged me tightly now and I let out a small sigh I didn’t know I’d been holding.

‘Y’know what? Let’s not sleep tonight – I’m not sleepy.’

My eyes widened, wondering what he was implying. 

‘No! Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m just saying we could… we could build a fort with blankets, we could light loads of candles and tell stories by firelight, or we could drink hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and not sleep,’ he said.

We ended up doing all three. We both fell asleep eventually, but only when a chorus of birds had began to sing and the sun threatened to emerge.

I’d held on to his hand as he led us back to the kitchen.

‘I bought these since I didn’t have any during the blackout,’ he said proudly, pulling out a dozen white candlesticks.

We sat in a hurriedly made blanket fort; it was lopsided and on the verge of collapse, but it was perfect. The candles flickered in the doorway, lighting the whole room faintly, and Jiyong wove a story while I sipped at his undoubtedly perfectly made hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Once upon a time, there lived a prince in a far away kingdom. It was a beautiful kingdom, but it had been cursed by an evil wizard to remain eternally dark – the sun never rose on this kingdom and no one could see it for what it really was except the Prince. Trees, flowers and crops died. Yet, the Prince couldn’t conquer the spell no matter how he tried because it was made of strong magic and all he had was his sword.

One day though a fairy, buffeted by the winds and having lost her way, ended up at the gates of the palace of this eternally dark kingdom. Together, they asked every peasant throughout the kingdom to light a candle. A hundred thousand candles were lit throughout the kingdom on that night and the skies burned with the colour of their collective flames…

I didn’t like fairytales, they were idealistic and only served to remind me how far real life was from it; but, I liked this one and hoped devoutly for once, that a happily ever after would come. I fell asleep at some point though, never managing to hear the end, and Jiyong blew out the candles and slept with me uncomfortably, on the floor, in the ruins of our collapsed blanket fort.

Chapter 4

He always had the craziest plans. I found that he was prone to ridiculous suggestions, and no matter whether I had a deadline the next day or an opinion other than his, we always followed his spur of the moment plans through.

* * *

‘Come on! Let’s go to the Black Rose, it’s just opened, today’s their opening night.’ He beamed at me, tugging on my sleeve.

I stared at the clock without registering the time. It was late. I bit my lip.

‘I don’t want to go out tonight, we’ve been out like 2 nights consecutively and don’t you have a morning class to teach tomorrow?’ I questioned - I knew he liked it when I remembered his timetable, or at least, I knew he hated it when I didn’t.

He sat on my bed, watching as I got changed and I could feel his eyes on me. I thought it was strange but Jiyong didn’t, he had acted familiar from the very beginning so I played along and pretended that it wasn’t strange either – to get changed in front of him.

‘I like it when you dress up, you should wear suits more often,’ he complimented when I was done, smoothing out the wrinkles of my shirt, standing behind me in the mirror. He had picked this out for me. ‘You look pretty.’

‘Thank you.’

Turning round, I spotted the copy of Romeo and Juliet left on my bed. Curiosity got to me then.

‘Why do you like ‘Romeo and Juliet’ so much?’

‘What? I’m a Professor of Literature… well, going to be, and Shakespeare is perfection.’

‘Yeh, but why that one? You don’t teach the Shakespeare classes. I have Hamlet there too,’ I pointed out.

‘To be or not to be?’ he laughed. ‘How did I end up with you? You have no taste. Romeo and Juliet is a beautiful story about love.’

‘There’s a love story in Hamlet too,’ I protested.

‘Methinks the lady doth protest too much,’ he said and silenced me with a kiss. It was how most of our disagreements ended.

* * *

We stepped out into the darkness and I slipped my hand into his, which he took happily.

‘My turn to ask,’ he said, even though we both knew I would be happy to answer any of his questions. ‘Are you afraid of the dark?’

This did make me pause though; I had so far managed to elude this one point. I felt as if it was my own secret to keep; it was one of the few things I hadn’t told him about yet, although I was sure he already knew.  He liked to get me to say things though; spell things out.

‘Seungri-ah,’ Jiyong said, ‘do you love me?’

‘Yeh, of course,’ I replied without much thinking.

‘Say it,’ he suggested.

‘I love you Jiyong.’

I thought carefully.

‘I’m not afraid of the dark... I’m afraid of the things in the dark.’ I replied.

He gripped my hand more tightly bringing me back to the night we had met. It was as if he would never let go and his eyes flashed at me in the darkness. For once, I wasn’t sure whether to be reassured or afraid. His intensity sent shivers down my spine despite the warm summer air.

The Black Rose was like so many clubs that Jiyong had dragged me to before: dark but at the same time filled with a thousand obnoxious neon lights – it almost made me wish for the dark stillness of the outside. Although, I did have to give it some credit, it had an empty bar, which we immediately made our way towards, and the music was at a tolerable level, one where I could still hear myself think.

For an opening night, the place seemed rather quiet.

Jiyong ordered two sojus for us.

‘It’s quiet in here,’ Jiyong said.

‘I know,’ I said, pausing to take a sip of my drink, ‘I like that.’ I wouldn’t have said this a few months ago, I would have been an outsider looking in, but it turns out that it’s true what they say; the grass is always greener on the other side.

As I looked up to see how Jiyong would react, I caught sight of a figure behind him, sitting on his other side with artificially silver dyed hair. He certainly looked interesting and he had the confidence to match.

‘Can I buy you your next drink?’ he asked, pointedly ignoring the death stare he was now receiving from Jiyong.

‘Uhm…’ I said eloquently.

‘No, you can’t buy him his next drink,’ Jiyong interjected, his voice was laced with a venom I had not heard before.

The silver haired stranger gave Jiyong a look of derision and asked me again. ‘Would you like a drink? It’s okay if you don’t… but I’d like to hear it from you.’

‘Uhm…’ I repeated before speaking. ‘It’s okay, no thanks… I’m here with Jiyong.’

A smug smirk tugged at the corners of Jiyong’s mouth at this little triumph, but this was not enough for him, he was bristling at the very fact that this stranger had dared to look in my direction. The atmosphere was tense and glances were exchanged between all of us. I kept on thinking how surreal this was, how like a movie, and in a different place, or at another time, I would have laughed.

Jiyong pulled me closer, causing me to accidentally spill my drink. He didn’t even notice.

‘He belongs to me.’

And if that wasn’t enough, he leaned in and gave me a kiss. Jiyong smirked as if this had proved something. I tried not to recoil.

‘I’m sure he doesn’t belong to anyone but himself,’ said the stranger, dismissing the crude display and turning back to his own drink.

‘We’re leaving Seungri.’ Jiyong got out of his seat, expecting me to follow.

I did - giving an apologetic smile to the stranger as he watched me trail behind Jiyong. He returned with a slight nod and a grimace.

Jiyong was already out of the building and waiting impatiently by the time I had made my way to the door. We made our way home in an uncomfortable silence.

‘You’re mine, Seungri,’ he said, as we stood outside in the hallway. ‘You shouldn’t flirt with other people like that.’

He looked so afraid that I would have felt sorry for him, but as he led the way into my dark apartment for once I felt more concerned of his presence than the darkness.

We didn’t go out so much after that and I never wore that suit outside again.

Chapter 5

I tried to ignore the outbursts, the paranoia; things were better, they were much better with Jiyong around. He cared about me when others hadn’t. He was the one that had lit candles for me and built blanket forts with me and made me perfect hot chocolate without question when the dark came.

It was hard to ignore though, it was hard to ignore when there were messages taken by someone that never made their way to me, and texts from my phone that I hadn’t remembered sending.

‘Don’t talk to me again Noona. I don’t like like you. X’  Seungri sent 17:08 21/05/12

‘Delete my number; I have no use for you anymore. X’ Seungri sent 15:16 12/05/12

They were crude, ridiculous; no one would ever believe that I’d sent them - but they worked. Phone calls and texts became less and less frequent until they stopped altogether. I never asked where my SIM card had gone when Jiyong had given me a new phone.

‘Look at what hyung bought you today!’ he presented with glee a phone with pretty L.E.D. lights. It spelt out Jiyong ‘<3’ Seungri, and it was beautiful. It wasn’t even my birthday and money.

‘This is wonderful, thank you so much!’

‘Come give Jiyongie a kiss!’ He stuck out his lips in a pout.

I never asked when photos disappeared from my hard drive of and new photos appeared of us all around the walls.

‘Don’t you love these photos of us; you look so pretty in them! I should pick out your clothes more often! Doesn’t hyung have such good taste?’

‘Seungri-ah,’ he said whilst we sat watching another film, ‘I don’t think you should work at that greasy takeaway anymore, I can support us.’

The film was quickly forgotten. It was a meagre wage and it was greasy, it involved wearing an oversized garish red t-shirt and an even more ridiculous hat… he made a good point, but I couldn’t help feeling a little uneasy.

I bit my lip hard enough that it drew blood. He tasted it as he coincidentally decided to kiss me.

‘Come on now. Don’t be like that. You need to focus on your studies, I only want what’s best for you,’ and he looked at me so lovingly that I nodded in agreement. He held my hand as I handed in my resignation forms.

It was easier, though, when he draped the headrest of my bed in multi-coloured fairy lights and stuck an entire glow-in-the-dark planetarium above my bed.

‘Seungri-ah, don’t be afraid of the dark,’ he said caressing my face ‘the stars are always there, we just can’t always see them.’

It was so much easier when he slept next to me sharing his warmth and whispered sweet nothings in my ear.

* * *

It was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year, and school had finally broken up. Sun streaked through the closed blinds, but I was unable to enjoy it.

‘Jiyong, have you seen my key? I think I’ve lost it,’ I asked, looking up as he entered the apartment. ‘I haven’t been able to get out all day.’

He looked in my direction, but at the same time stare went straight through me. Something felt different about today. Jiyong smiled.

‘I’ve broken up for the summer and I’m not going back to teach there anymore Seungri.’

‘Where’s my key?’ I asked again. 

Jiyong ignored my question as he shut the door behind him.

‘I saw you last week,’ he said as he drew in a deep breath, ‘with someone else.’

‘I… I haven’t been with anyone else,’ I replied honestly; I knew better.

He reached out a hand to hold my head as he surveyed my face. His hand went from a gentle brush against my cheek to a painfully firm grip against my jaw. He pushed me on to the sofa and pulled me closer.

‘I saw you,’ he said, his voice filled with anguish and his eyes, tears.

I didn’t know what to say but my mouth opened on its own accord.

‘It’s okay though Seungri. I love you,’ he said. He held me in his arms as he buried his face in my chest, wetting my shirt with his tears. ‘I love you Seungri, I love you so much.’

Any thoughts about my apartment keys and school holidays were forgotten. I returned wholeheartedly his embrace as I felt tears sting in my eyes.

‘I love you too.’

* * *

I went to sleep uneasily and awoke in the night.

It wasn’t dark as I would have expected.

Shadows flickered all around the room and smoke blurred everything choking me. Even as I raised my covers to my mouth I realised that I had no key.

Jiyong was the light in my darkness but he glows much too brightly and fire burns.