Title: Just A Feeling
Rating: M
Pairing(s): BaeRi
Length: 12 760
Summary: Seungri the player and the innocent Youngbae develop unexpected feelings toward each other.
Warnings: Beware, this story contains . As well as some dialogues that may make you want to punch someone's face.
Notes: Thanks a lot to the organizers of this event! Thanks also to Baylee, it was a pleasure to remix your story!

Remixee author: BIGBANG_
Title of work you remixed: Just A Feeling
Link to work you remixed: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/114761
 

mod note: fixed entry - added separators.

 

Chapter 1.    A smell of burning

“Yes, me too. I love you too, Baby.”

Seungri hung up. He was in Big Bang’s living room, and the other members had heard his conversation. Youngbae raised his head.

“I love you? You said I love you to another girl last week. And to another girl the week before.”

Seungri raised his shoulders.

“What makes you think they were different girls?”

“The background picture of your cellphone keeps changing” Jiyong said. “And the texts you get…”

“Hyung! Stop giving me that! I delete my texts now!”

“…Not quickly enough.”

“You shouldn’t rush things like that with girls” Youngbae calmly said. “Save your love words for someone you love.”

Seungri giggled.

“Youngbae hyung, you’ve never dated. How can you give me any advice?”

“Seungri ya” Top’s deep voice put a sudden end to the maknae’s cockiness.  “Don’t talk that way to your hyung. You don’t have more experience in love that Youngbae in dating. Enough now, it’s your turn to cook anyways.”

Seungri looked down and headed slowly to the kitchen, mumbling inaudible words. After he left, Youngbae turned his head to Top.

“Aren’t you a bit harsh with him, hyung?”

“That brat needs to learn respect” Top said, raising his shoulders.

Seungri’s sad expression replayed in Youngbae’s mind. What if he’d been really affected by these words? Youngbae didn’t know why, but he felt sorry for the younger boy.

“I’m gonna help him.”

“Don’t, it’s his turn!”

“I’m bored! Youngbae replied.

When he arrived in the kitchen, Youngbae found an expressionless Seungri cooking meat in a pan. The younger man glanced at him.

“Sorry, Youngbae hyung, I didn’t mean to lack respect…” he said in a neutral voice.

“It’s okay.” Youngbae reassured him.

“I know what you think about dating without loving. But I don’t think the same.” Seungri’s eyes were back to his pan, and it seemed like he was talking to the grilling meat. “I choose to date girls for fun. I like it. You choose to wait for true love. Good for you. But please don’t tell me what I should do.”

Unexpectedly, Youngbae’s heart stung a bit.

“Okay, Seungri, okay. If you’re sure to be happy this way.” Youngbae said patting the maknae’s shoulder.

Suddenly, Seungri turned and hugged his hyung. Taken aback, the latter awkwardly wrapped his arms around him. Gosh, that kid! Youngbae felt his heart flutter. Was it because of the sudden contact of their bodies? He banished that thought out of his mind. It was just because of the surprise, of course. Seungri started mumbling things in Youngbae’s neck, causing more heart fluttering.

“Hyung is right, I don’t know about love.”

What to answer? Youngbae just held Seungri tighter. The hug lasted, getting a bit too long for a hug between two friends, and it started feeling uncomfortable - but it was good at the same time, and none of them let go. Youngbae calmly breathed, appreciating the scent of the younger man, until another smell hit his nostrils.

“Dammit!”

Seungri rushed back to his pan, where the meat was getting black. At this very moment, the rest of the band came in.

“Seungri ya!” Jiyong yelled. “When will you learn to cook the meat properly? There’s a smell of burning in the whole flat!”

“It’s my fault!” Youngbae intervened. “I distracted him. Don’t scold him.”

“Still protecting the maknae, I see” Jiyong said, turning to Youngbae. “Hyung, Seungri’s a big boy, he can face his responsibilities. He was in charge of cooking, and he burnt the meat.”

“Someone’s gonna treat us a meal outside tonight!” Daesung said joyfully.

Seungri sighed.

“Okay, let’s have a barbecue somewhere.”

While getting out of the flat, he took his phone out of his pocket and made a call.

“Baby? I’m gonna come home later, okay?”

Chapter 2.    A scent of flower

They parted after dinner: Youngbae and Daesung headed back to the dorm, where they still lived, while the three others went home. When Seungri arrived down his building, his girlfriend was waiting for him.

“Sorry to come back late, love” he said while pecking her lips. She looked sweet and cute in her mini dress, with fancy accessories in her hair. She smiled as if she hadn’t minded waiting hours for him. She was his type.

Seungri felt tired and wanted nothing more than relaxing. They entered his condo and he took off his shoes and jacket.

“How about having a shower together?”

She hid her blushing face with her hands.

“Oppa! I can’t! I’m too shy!”

“Come on, I saw you already.”

“But not without make up! If I take a shower with my make-up on, it will run! And I can’t take it off, I’m so ugly without it! Oh, ottoke?”

As much as he usually loved girls to have aegyo, that one was starting to annoy him. He hugged her and buried her face in his chest, just to make her quiet. That reminded him of another hug he had earlier that day. He inhaled deeply, and the girl’s flower perfume made him nostalgic for Youngbae’s musky scent. He shook his head. That felt awkward.

“You’re the prettiest, with or without make-up” he said, telling her what he knew she wanted to hear. “Now let’s have a shower.”

Then the ritual went again. He massaged her s with shower gel - they were smaller than last week girl’s, he thought with disappointment. He her , earning moans and squeals. He let her play with his - he called that “play”, because she wouldn’t him properly. Then, after getting out of the shower, he wrapped her in a towel and dragged her to his bedroom.

“Youngbae hyung, hug me tighter!”

Seungri’s eyes shot open at his disturbing dream, and he hoped he hadn’t spoken out loud. Fortunately, the girl he had ed a few hours before was still asleep, her arms around him. He freed himself out of her embrace and got up. He preferred getting out before she wakes up. He didn’t really like having to deal with a girlfriend outside of the bed - or the shower.

Chapter 3.    A relaxing touch

Youngbae hadn’t slept very well. His mind was worried, but he didn’t know exactly why - except that his thoughts would always run to Seungri. Why was he worrying about the younger man? Was it because of his attitude toward girls? That was none of his business. Youngbae recalled the sudden hug that Seungri gave him, as if in despair. Yes, that was probably what was concerning Youngbae.

He was in the dance studio, while Daesung had chosen to work out in the gym before the other members arrive. He the music and started practicing some dance moves, but he soon stopped. He was exhausted and his body was all stiff.

“Youngbae hyung! Are you okay?”

Youngbae startled. Because of the music, he hadn’t heard Seungri coming in. He turned around to him, and he immediately felt his arms tickle in need to hug him. Why? Probably because he thought the maknae was sad these times. But the maknae wasn’t looking sad at all at this moment. Actually, he was smiling from an ear to the other, as if the sight of the older man was what could make him the happiest boy in the world.

“Seungri ya… I’m fine, I’m fine… My body just aches a bit.”

“Oh! Let me take care of that. You remember, in our training days, when I gave you a massage before our dance battle…”

“Y… Yes I remember but I don’t think it’s a good…”

“Just lie down.”

Youngbae finally complied, lying flat on his stomach and letting Seungri’s hands running on his body. As long as they remained on his upper body, Youngbae managed to keep his mind off dirty things, but when he felt them on his thighs, his blood rushed down.

“Seungri, I think…”

“Do you want my massage?” Seungri asked mischievously. “You said no last time, but I know you liked it…”

“Thank you, but that’s enough.”

“Alright hyung, alright.”

Seungri stepped back, but Youngbae didn’t move, hoping for his to deflate as quickly as possible.

“Youngbae hyung? Why don’t you stand up? Did I hurt you?”

That was getting really, really embarrassing.

“No Seungri, I’m just… relaxing okay?”

That’s the moment Jiyong and Top chose to enter the dancing room

 “Hey guys!” Jiyong yelled. “Youngbae hyung? What are you doing on the floor?”

“He’s relaxing” Seungri intervened.

“Well, you’ll relax later, now we’re starting working!”

The situation was getting unbearably awkward for Youngbae, who finally rushed on his feet and turned back to keep his crotch out of sight.

“Hyung…?”

“I’ll be right back!” Youngbae yelled, rushing to the bathroom.

Jiyong and Top looked in his direction in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with him this morning?”

Seungri didn’t answer. Touching the older man had given him goose bumps and dirty thoughts that he was trying to banish from his mind. Was it possible that the other had felt the same way… and had a stronger “reaction”? He shook his head. That was not Youngbae’s kind. Youngbae was the last person you would expect to be attracted by men.

Chapter 4.    A bittersweet dinner

Youngbae isolated himself during the break. He had kept glancing at Seungri, and had found himself hard again when the maknae’s sweat had started sticking his shirt to his torso. That was wrong. He was a man, and men have to be attracted to women. He shook his head. That confusion was probably temporary. He was tired and overworked. He was gonna be over that soon.

“Youngbae hyung? Are you okay?” Jiyong interrupted his thoughts

“Yes… No… I don’t know. I feel exhausted. I think I’m too focused on… work”

Jiyong sat down next to him.

“Hyung, I know I’ve said that to you many times, but you need a girlfriend.”

A girlfriend. Of course! A girlfriend would keep Youngbae’s mind off sick fantasies. That would be perfect.

“You’re right bro. Do you know someone who would be a good match to me?”

Jiyong was totally taken aback. Youngbae had always been reluctant to blind dates, and had never been so straightforward on this topic. Well, everyone can change, he thought.

“So… you like dancing?”

The girl nodded.

“Yes! I’ve danced since I’m five years old.”

“Oh.”

Another good point for her. She was pretty, pleasant, elegant, had a beautiful smile, and liked dancing. A perfect match indeed. She glanced at him.

“Are you okay? You look a bit off.”

And she was very observant as well.

“Mmh? Yeah, no, er, I’m fine. Do you want to order a dessert?”

“So, how was the date?” Daesung asked, a huge smile stretched on his face.

“Fine. Fine. A very nice girl.” Youngbae answered neutrally.

“How that, fine? It’s not an answer!” Seungri intervened. He was on the couch and Youngbae hadn’t noticed him in first place.

“Seungri ya! What are you still doing here? It’s late!”

“I don’t go home tonight” Seungri replied. “I had to work in the studio.”

“I think he’s lying” Daesung said. “He waited for you, to get the gossip in first hand.”

“Aish! Don’t listen to him, hyung! Now tell me, how was the date?”

“Nice.”

“Nice? That’s all? Aish! Are you gonna see her again or not?”

Youngbae tried to escape with a joke.

“I see where you’re going maknae, but you’re not gonna have her!”

“Hyung! That’s not what I was asking! Do you want her as your girlfriend or not?”

“I… I don’t know.”

That answer didn’t seem to convince Seungri.

“Hyung, do you like her or not?”

Youngbae was more and more embarrassed, and Daesung noticed it.

“Seungri ya, leave hyung alone. You’re annoying him.”

Seungri finally shut up, and Youngbae sighed in relief.

“Good night guys.”

“Good night!”

Chapter 5.    A frightening revelation

Youngbae and Daesung got to their rooms, and Seungri was left alone on the couch, his mind full of rushing thoughts. Earlier that day, when he was told that Youngbae wanted to date a girl, he received the news as a punch in the stomach. Why? That was still a mystery for him. Then he had realized that he didn’t feel like meeting his “girlfriend” at all that night. So ironic, he thought. The day Youngbae started dating, himself suddenly stopped being interested in it.

Seungri lay down on the couch and closed his eyes, letting his mind wander. He tried to relax, but his thoughts would always come back to Youngbae. What was up with him? Why did he suddenly want a girlfriend? Seungri didn’t know that girl at all, but he was sure she wasn’t good enough for his hyung. Youngbae was kind, reliable, smart, handsome and super hot. Wait, what? No, Seungri couldn’t find his hyung “super hot”. Or “y”. Even though he definitely was, with his six pack and his buffy arms. The young man shivered at that thought, and he felt blood rushing to his groin.

Youngbae locked himself in his room and sat down on his bed. Something was wrong with him. Why had this date been so awkward? During the whole dinner he just couldn’t focus on her. She had even noticed that he was absent-minded. How embarrassing. And then he got embarrassed again when his dongsengs pressed him with questions. Especially Seungri. Youngbae sighed. Seungri. Why did he so often think of Seungri these times? Even during the dinner, the maknae had kept crossing his mind, as cocky as usual. Even now, Youngbae couldn’t stop himself from imagining him cutely sleeping on the couch, and that thought… aroused him. He suddenly felt terrified. He had already noticed that the sight of the younger man had an effect on his body, but now even the simple fact of thinking of him made him hard.

Youngbae got up and headed to the bathroom to take a frozen shower. He refused to touch himself thinking of his maknae. All that was wrong. He was a practicing Christian, and reading the Bible had taught him that a man shouldn’t have this king of thoughts toward another man. While letting the cold water run down his body and deflate his , he took the resolution to stay away from Seungri until these erted fantasies get off his mind.

Chapter 6.    A frosty contempt

When Seungri got up the next morning, it took him a few moments to realize where he was. Then he remembered that he had chosen to stay at the dorm to know more about Youngbae’s potential girlfriend. By the way, he also remembered that he had been insisting and unpleasant toward his hyung, and he felt sorry. He decided he had to cook breakfast to make it up for his behavior, and he got up.

He was busy cooking Youngbae’s favorite food, when the latter arrived in the kitchen, widely yawning.

“Hello hyung!”

Youngbae startled.

“Seungri! I wasn’t expecting…”

“Fried bananas for breakfast? Sure, it’s uncommon, but you love that, don’t you?”

The older man was stunned. He had kept dreaming of Seungri that night, and had awakened with a hard-on. He had taken care of it with a cold shower again, but now the sight of his cute and smiling maknae brought the problem back. It was endless.

“Hyung” Seungri said shyly, which was unusual for him. “I’m sorry for yesterday. I bothered you. I hope you forgive me.”

Youngbae was more and more surprised. Seungri had been acting strangely recently. This humble voice and this genuine expression were nothing like him. But Youngbae liked them both, and he was ready to forgive Seungri anything he wanted - until he remembered his resolution to put some distance between the two of them. He stared right in the maknae’s eyes and spoke harshly.

“Forgiving you? Why would I? You won’t change anyways. We keep telling you to be respectful and to care about what you say, but it’s useless. You’re always a burden for us. And don’t try to buy me with your banana chips. Save your energy to control yourself. Actually, I’d be glad if you refrained yourself from talking to me at all.”

Seungri stared in disbelief at his hyung who had turned his back to him and left the kitchen. Youngbae’s cold gaze had pierced a hole in his chest and, from the pain, Seungri’s jaw dropped open and his eyes got teary. Oblivious of his blackening bananas, he cried out. Why was Youngbae so tough with him? He liked his hyung. He really liked him. He loved him. That truth was unavoidable from then on. What could hurt so much, if not love?

Chapter 7.    A palpable tension

“1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4! Seungri, focus!”

Youngbae was having a hard time focusing on the dance steps as well, and hearing Jiyong yell the maknae’s name didn’t help at all. He was feeling guilty for the pain and the incomprehension he had read in the younger man’s eyes a few hours before. But he knew he had done the right thing, and that ignoring him was the best choice for both of them. Seungri had done nothing to deserve Youngbae’s bad thoughts.

“Alright, ten minutes break!”

Seungri, Top and Daesung rushed to the cafeteria to have a drink, but surprisingly Youngbae stayed in the practice room. He seemed really down and, worried, Jiyong approached him.

“Hyung, are you okay? If it’s about the date I’m sorry, I thought she…”

“It’s not about the date” Youngbae interrupted.

“Okay… So what is it?”

Youngbae looked down. What was it? How was he supposed to tell his friend that Seungri obsessed him and made him hard whenever he saw him? He just couldn’t.

“I keep thinking about… someone else” he said carefully. I can’t focus, I can’t even rest, because I can only think of… this person.”

Jiyong smirked.

“What are you telling me? You made me set you with someone, while you were in love with someone else?”

“I’m not in love!” Youngbae yelled.

Startled, Jiyong stepped back.

“It’s alright, hyung. I know it’s new for you, but it’s okay. When you think about the same person day and night, you’re much likely in love. No harm about it.”

Youngbae closed his eyes. No harm about it. Then why was it so painful?

“Can I ask you who…?”

“No!” Youngbae yelled again. “I mean… I prefer… not telling it.”

The older man’s attitude was getting stranger and stranger. Jiyong sighed.

Although he didn’t seem to care about anything going on around him, Top had noticed Seungri’s red eyes. As soon as Daesung left the cafeteria, he approached the younger man.

“Is there something wrong, maknae? Daesung told me you didn’t go home yesterday.”

“I’m okay, hyung” Seungri answered, looking away.

“Is it about a girl? I haven’t seen you on the phone for two days. It’s a bit surprising from you.”

“Hyung, I told you I’m okay!” Seungri said again. “I don’t have a girlfriend right now, so what?”

“What’s up with Youngbae?” Top said suddenly.

This time the maknae looked up at him, shocked and horrified. Top was very observant, he might have noticed Seungri’s embarrassment near Youngbae, maybe even his physical reactions…

“What… what do you mean?” Seungri stammered.

“I mean that you don’t talk to each other, you don’t look at each other… Why are you so pale?”

Relieved, Seungri calmed his breath.

“Well, Youngbae hyung scolded me this morning.”

“You probably deserved it.” Top judged. “But now you should make up with him, for the sake of the team. The atmosphere today is awful.”

“But he doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore!” Seungri whined.

“Find another way then. Come on now, the break is over. You don’t want Kwon Leadah to be mad at you too, do you?”

Chapter 8.    A guilty pleasure

Youngbae dropped on his bed. He was relieved that Seungri had found a pretext to leave before dinner. The only awkward moment had been when Jiyong, just before going home, had winked at him and whispered him to “make a first step to the girl”. If Jiyong had known that the “girl” was Seungri, would he have advised him to “make a first step”? Probably not.

In love. Jiyong had said he was in love. Was that true? Was that possible? Youngbae knew that some guys out there made out with other guys, but he had always considered these practices with contempt and disgust. He, Dong Youngbae, a faithful Christian, couldn’t afford such fantasies. Love or not.

He heard a knock at the door. It could only be Daesung since all the other members were gone. He got up and opened his door, barely looking up.

“What do you w…”

Before he could understand what happened, he was pushed back inside his room and the door was closed. The man who just had forced his way in his room wasn’t Daesung, but Seungri. During a split second, Youngbae felt filled with delight at his sight, but he quickly recovered.

“I thought you were gone!”                             

Seungri didn’t answer and pushed his hyung against a wall instead. Stunned, Youngbae barely resisted. Even when the maknae started running his hands up and down his body, he couldn’t move at all. His mind was telling him to pull away immediately, but his heart’s will was stronger. The feeling of Seungri’s hands caressing his body, of Seungri’s fingers brushing his face, was sending shivers all over his being. It was maybe his ticket for hell - but it was heaven.

“Seungri, what are you doing? Seungri, you should stop… Seungri…”

His last word was nearly a moan. Seungri locked his gaze into Youngbae’s brown eyes and got closer. Much closer. His body was now pinning Youngbae’s against the wall. His lips brushed the older man’s. Feeling no resistance, he kissed him more firmly. They both closed their eyes as the kiss deepened. Youngbae could feel the maknae’s tongue exploring his mouth, and enjoyed the new sensation. Nobody had kissed him before.

Seungri finally broke the kiss and stepped back to let Youngbae breathe. Then he stayed there, looking at his feet, as if he was waiting for something. Since Youngbae, still under the shock, didn’t move, the maknae bowed at him, turned his back and headed to the door.

“Seungri, wait!”

The young man stopped and turned back to his hyung, still silent.

“What did you do? Why did you do that? Why don’t you speak? You can’t… You can’t take my first kiss and leave me like that, without a word! You can’t!”

Seungri bowed again, and cleared his throat before talking.

“You told me not to talk to you, hyung. But I had something very important to tell you, so I chose to express it another way.”

“O… Okay… And what did you want to tell me?”

Seungri looked up, his stare right in Youngbae’s eyes, just like before they kissed.

“I love you, hyung.”

Chapter 9.    A torturing hesitation

“I love you, hyung.”

Seungri’s confession raised a tide of different feelings in Youngbae’s chest. Happiness first. The man he was in love with loved him back. Fear then. They were more likely to be discovered. Sadness at last. They loved each other, but they would never be together.

Seungri continued.

“I needed to know whether you loved me back or not. So I risked it all. And I think you do, hyung. You let me take your first kiss. You let me touch you…”

“Stop it!” Youngbae interrupted. “It… It doesn’t mean anything. I was just surprised, okay? Now leave.”

Seungri made a step to him.

“So you didn’t like it?”

“N… no.” Youngbae said, looking away. “Now get off my room.”

Seungri got even closer, his voice become a whisper.

“Look at me in the eyes and tell me you didn’t like it” he said softly. “Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”

Youngbae slowly raised his head. His stare crossed Seungri’s, before caressing his cheeks, running along his defined jawline, then going back to his soft yet determined eyes. He couldn’t say it.

“I didn’t… I don’t… I’m not gay” he finally said, hoping that it would be enough.

“That’s not what I asked you” the younger man whispered.

“All right Seungri, all right. Maybe I… I have feelings for you. But I’m not going to do anything about them, understood? What we’ve just done together… was a mistake. I’m a Christian, do you remember?”

Seungri raised an eyebrow.

“So what?” he asked?

“So… Homouals go to hell. That’s what stands in the Bible.”

Seungri made another step forward. He was now close enough to put an arm around Youngbae’s shoulders.

“Hyung, I remember only one thing about the Bible. It was about loving each other.”

“Maknae” Youngbae replied, “You know it’s not about this kind of love.”

“What’s wrong about our love, hyung?” Seungri asked, hugging him tighter. “You think it isn’t pure? You think it’s just second-rate love?”

Youngbae eventually gave up, and hugged the younger man back. It felt good, warm, comforting. When he relaxed his embrace, it was only to look into Seungri’s eyes. This time, the older man was the one approaching his lips from the maknae’s. He was the one softly kissing him, he was the one inserting his tongue inside the younger’s mouth, exploring him, tasting him. He was the one touching Seungri’s body to feel its reactions. He was the one in control, and it felt amazing.

“I love you too, maknae” he said when their lips finally parted.

Chapter 10.   A frustrating secret

During the following days, Seungri and Youngbae tried their best to keep their relationship hidden. Seungri got back to his flat every night, not to attract Daesung’s attention. They both felt the frustration, in their mind and body, of having so few time alone with each other. During the unending dance practices, the best they could afford was a knowing smile from time to time. Sometimes, during a break, one of them could furtively steal a kiss to the other. It was a dangerous game and they knew it, but they couldn’t help. They couldn’t resist to each other.

The global mood of the team improved, and the leader was pleased about it. The tension he had felt a few days back was gone, the whole band was now cheerful and motivated. But he soon noticed that something was weird, even though he didn’t really know what. Youngbae and Seungri, the two members who had been the most awkward lately, seemed now overly fulfilled. There was nothing bad about that, but, still. It was a bit strange.

At the end of the week, to reward his bandmates’ hard work, Jiyong made an exciting announcement.

“We’re out in a club tonight! Now go get ready!”

Watching out for their reactions, the leader spotted Youngbae and the maknae glancing knowingly at each other before the latter spoke.

“I don’t think I’ll join, hyung. I’m exhausted.”

“Seungri ya, don’t be silly! There’s gonna be alcohol and hotties! You’d never miss such a party!”

“But not tonight, hyung. I’m not in the mood.”

“There won’t be such a chance to go out before long after that, you know it?”

“Yes hyung, but I really want to rest tonight.”

Jiyong sighed.

“I know you, maknae. When you want to be left alone, it means that you’re about to do something silly. Remember last time, you…”

“It’s alright” Youngbae interrupted. “I volunteer for staying with him. I’m quite tired too.”

“Are you sure, hyung?” Jiyong asked suspiciously. “You don’t want to join either?”

“No, I should rest too.”

“But we’ll need a sober driver!” Top intervened. “And don’t count on me!”

“We don’t, hyung, we don’t.” Daesung said. “We’ll take a taxi.”

“Alright guys” Jiyong said. “Top hyung and Daesung, let’s meet up downstairs at nine. Youngbae hyung and Ri, good night!”

When the leader left the room, he was a bit concerned. Something was up between Seungri and Youngbae. What? He couldn’t put his hand on it, but it was fishy. These days, they seemed to keep trying to be alone with each other. Even when they weren’t, they kept smiling at each other as if they shared a secret. It was a bit irritating.

Jiyong shook his head. He was imagining things. His bandmates seemed happy, and he should be glad about it instead of distrusting. This party was a good opportunity to get these useless worries out of his mind.

Chapter 11.   A snug love nest

As soon as the other members left the building, Seungri and Youngbae let their joy explode. After having quickly checked that the cameras of the studio were off, they literally jumped on each other to share their wildest kiss so far.

“I missed you, hyung.” Seungri said when their lips finally parted.

“Don’t call me hyung anymore.” Youngbae replied. “At least when we’re alone.”

“A… Are you sure, hyung? I mean, are you sure… Bae?”

“I’m 100% sure, baby.” Youngbae said before kissing him again.

They made out during a few minutes, before realizing they weren’t in the most comfortable place ever.

“Let’s move to the dorm?” Youngbae asked.

Seungri pushed Youngbae on the bed and got on top of him, whispering in his ear.

“You distracted me during the ride. Touching my leg…”

“I couldn’t help it” the older man whispered back. “Your thighs are so appealing…”

“It really , you know” Seungri said, bucking his hips into Youngbae’s. “I feel very, very …”

“Baby…” Youngbae rasped. “Be gentle with me. You know I’m… You know I’ve never…”

“I know…” Seungri said seductively. “And it excites me even more…”

“Baby, be careful…”

But Seungri wasn’t listening. He slipped his hands under Youngbae’s shirt, until the whole muscular torso was exposed. Amazed by the sight of his hyung’s toned abs and chest, he lost it a bit more and, after pulling the shirt above Youngbae’s head, he started and the smooth skin.

Eyes closed, Youngbae let the shivers cross his body. He felt both terrified and excited at the thought that he was losing his innocence. He let out a moan when Seungri’s tongue caressed one of his s, but he felt a sudden frustration when his lover’s mouth parted from his skin. He opened his eyes to discover a shirtless Seungri who was finishing taking his pants off.

Seungri glanced at him and smirked.

“Your turn, now.”

“Baby, I think I’m not ready…”

“Just the pants, Baebae.” The maknae reassured him.” I take your pants off and I let your boxers. Like me.”

“O… Okay.”

Seungri unbuckled Youngbae’s belt and started to pull down his jeans, and he soon discovered his hyung’s hard on.

“Bae, your mind is reluctant but your body seems up for it!”

Once the jeans tossed around, he immediately started palming Youngbae’s manhood through his boxers, earning more moans.

“Baby Ri… Baby….”

“What does Bae want?” Seungri asked mischievously. “Does Bae have enough of this?”

“No… Baby… Please undress me.”

Seungri smirked widely.

“I knew you were going to change your mind, Baebae.”

Youngbae closed his eyes again to enjoy the feel of Seungri’s hands on his hips, removing his boxers. He suddenly felt a hand gripping his manhood and pumping up and down, and that sent him to heaven. His mind was blank, but his lower belly was burning. He bucked his hips into Seungri’s hands, one time, another time… And then, with a loud moan, shot his all over the maknae’s brawny chest.

“Wow! I wasn’t expecting you so soon, Baebae!” Seungri said while letting him go.

“Sorry, Baby… I’m sorry…”

Seungri kissed his lips.

“No need to worry, Bae. I clean it and I come back.”

Chapter 12.   A tender night

When the maknae left the bathroom, he was not only clean but also completely , his standing up to his belly button. Youngbae had a pinch of apprehension when he realized he was supposed to take care of it.

“Ri, what should I…”

“Don’t worry, Baebae” Seungri said while climbing on the bed again and lying down next to his hyung. Embracing him, he pecked his neck, cheek and lips to relax him. He finally grabbed his hand to put it around his own member.

“Don’t think about anything and let me move, Baebae.”

Youngbae felt his fingers tightening around Seungri’s hard manhood and moving up and down, driven by his lover’s grip. He could hear Seungri breathing faster and faster along with his hand movement, and even softly . He felt sorry for not being able to please the maknae as much as he had been pleased, but also a bit proud to be the cause of his satisfaction.

Seungri’s panting became a mess, and he soon came between their bodies. Letting go of Youngbae’s hand, he cuddled against the older man and whispered in his ear.

“I… lu…luuuv you!”

“I love you too, hyung, but you’re damn heavy!” Daesung replied, bending under Top’s weight. Fortunately, Jiyong was only half drunk and could help him carrying their drunken bandmate up in the dorm.

“Daedae, let me sleep with you tonight!” Top groaned when they finally arrived upstairs.

“Okay, hyung” Daesung sighed, “but if you’re feeling sick, go to the bathroom, alright?”

“Sick? But I’m not d… drunk, Daedae!”

“Did you sleep well?”

Youngbae blinked two or three times before snuggling again against his lover’s torso. Seungri kissed his hair and neck.

“We need to get ready, Baebae” he said. “So you’ll be back at the dorm before they notice you were gone.”

“But I want to stay with you!” Youngbae nearly whined. “Plus, you need me for that” he added while touching Seungri’s morning .

The younger man laughed.

“Okay Baebae, let’s have a deal. We get up, and we take care of each other while showering. What do you think?”

Youngbae shivered and blushed at this idea.

Chapter 13.   A broken hope

When Jiyong entered the kitchen, still sleepy, he found two of his bandmates happily having breakfast.

“Hi Youngbae hyung, hi maknae! Why are you here so early?” He said while patting Seungri’s head.

“I slept so well last night that I was up early” the latter answered. “And it’s not that early actually, hyung, you’re the one that overslept!”

Jiyong thought about asking Youngbae where he was the night before, but it suddenly seemed ridiculous to him. He wasn’t even sure not to have seen his shoes anymore. Of course Youngbae had slept in the dorm. Where else?

“It’s okay to oversleep today” Jiyong retorted. “We won’t practice anyways, Sean’s family comes to visit at YG building.”

“Ohhh!” Seungri exclaimed, elbowing Youngbae. “We’re gonna see the pocket version of you, Baeb… I mean hyung!”

“Show me how you dance!”

Harang complied, dancing a few steps in front of Youngbae. Everybody applauded, charmed by the little boy’s cuteness. As usual when there were children around, Youngbae was ecstatic, taking them on his laps, in his arms, on his shoulders, hugging them, playing with them. Seungri enjoyed the moment as well, telling stories to the children and making them laugh. But he kept watching his hyung out of the corner of his eye. From time to time Youngbae’s blissful face was crossed by a shadow of melancholy, and the maknae knew why. Aware that he was partly the cause of his lover’s sadness, he felt a stung in his heart each time the beloved smile disappeared.

At the end of the day, Seungri dragged Youngbae in an empty studio to have a talk with him. His hyung had managed to keep a straight face in front of the guests, but he was now on the edge of crying.

“Baebae… I know you can’t imagine your life without children. We’ll find a way, okay? We’ll adopt kids. This country is full of crowded orphanages. Trust me.”

“Ri…” Youngbae answered, looking away. “You know you and me can’t adopt.”

Seungri approached his hyung and embraced him, pulling his head on his own shoulder.

“Times will change.”  He whispered. “And if they don’t, we’ll move to another country.”

“And give up everything here? Baby Ri, you’re crazy!”

“Yes I am.” Seungri replied. “I would do the craziest things for my Baebae’s happiness. And I know your mother instinct is no joke.”

Youngbae finally smiled a few seconds, before his face darkens again.

“Pleas trust me, Baebae” Seungri begged. “I promise you we’ll raise children together one day.”

“But…” Youngbae started, and then he blushed at the silliness of what he was about to say. “…I want children who look like me… and you.” He confessed.

“Really, Baebae? Is that what you want? Children with a duck mouth and panda eyes? Come on, be serious!”

Jiyong really needed to have a conversation with Youngbae, but around a hallway he spotted him being dragged by Seungri in a studio. This strange fact added to the list of his suspicions of the past days, even though he didn’t know exactly what he was suspecting. And he didn’t really want to imagine it.

He hesitated a few minutes in front of the door, before deciding that, as the leader, he had to know.

Quietly opening the door, he peeked inside… And remained stunned. Seungri was pinning Youngbae against the wall and seemed to be devouring his mouth. During a split second, Jiyong was panicked and felt the urge of intervening, but he soon realized that Youngbae complied - he was gripping Seungri’s back and under his kiss. In deep shock, the leader closed the door back.

Chapter 14.   A nagging doubt

Sat on his bed, Youngbae was lost in his thoughts. Of course, his beloved Ri had comforted him. But he had suddenly realized that staying with him meant letting himself in for a different life, something far away from what he had imagined before. The path he always had for his life were all messed up: introducing his girlfriend to his parents, marrying her, having children, all these essential steps of his future life were thrown by the window. Well, at least they were if he stayed with Seungri. Youngbae shook his head to banish that thought. How could he think about that as a hypothesis? His mind was busy thinking about Ri 24/7. He loved Seungri. Seungri loved him. He was his first and last love. Period.

He heard a knock at the door.

“Can I talk to you, hyung?”

 Frowning, Youngbae stood up and opened his door.

“Hi Jiyong, what are you doing here? You don’t go home tonight?”

“I really need to talk to you, hyung.” Jiyong replied while entering.

They both sat on the bed and the leader, obviously embarrassed, cleared his throat.

“I’m not sure how to start with this, hyung. I had never imagined having to deal with such a situation.”

Youngbae felt cold sweat pearling on his forehead. Did Jiyong know about… them?

“I’m not here to scold you. I know you’re the romantic kind, Youngbae hyung. I’m here to warn you about Seungri.”

Youngbae’s worst fears were confirmed. But what about the warning part?

“As you know, I also have a strong affection for our maknae, I’ve had since the day I first met him” Jiyong continued. “But I know him enough to realize that he’s not an angel. He’s deceiving and manipulative. For him, relationships are hunting games. He proved it many times in the past, and you know that…”

“He’s not like that with me.” Youngbae interrupted. “He loves me.”

“Youngbae hyung” Jiyong said softly and carefully, as if speaking to a young child. “Do you remember him saying “I love you” endlessly on the phone?”

“It’s different!” Youngbae exploded. “He had been with each of these girls less than two weeks!”

“And how about you two?” Jiyong whispered.

Youngbae mentally calculated. Ten days. It had been only ten days. It had seemed a full lifetime to him, but it had taken only ten days for him to give up his innocence, for the pure boy he was to expose his to another man’s touch. Youngbae suddenly hated himself. He thought of himself as naïve, stupid and dirty. But he tried one last escape way.

“I’ve known Seungri for as long as you’ve done. He wouldn’t trick me like that.”

Jiyong sighed.

“Seungri doesn’t stop at any trick when he wants to grab attention. And our band doesn’t need that kind of publicity.”

Youngbae stood up.

“Publicity! Now I see where you’re going, Kwon Leadah!” He spat that nickname with a bitter irony. “You’re trying to tear us up to save Big Bang’s image? Is this it?”

“Youngbae hyung…”

“You ruined our “image” last year with your weed issue, and now Ri and I have to break up to keep it respectable?”

“Youngbae hyung, I understand that you’re upset, but please listen to me. It’s not just for Big Bang, it’s also for you. You’ve always wanted a long term relationship, why setting up with a player like Seungri?”

“IT IS a long term relationship” the other man muttered.

“And how about marriage? How about children? You’re worrying me, Youngbae hyung. Are you sure you still know what you want?”

“Yes, I know! I want Seungri, and I want children, and I want…”

He stopped and dropped his head in his hands, realizing how ridiculous he was. Yes, he was ready to give up his dreams for Seungri’s love, but not for Seungri’s hypothetical love. The idea of Ri not loving him was piercing his heart and driving him insane, but he had to compose with it.

“I’ll talk to Seungri tomorrow.” Jiyong said softly.

“Don’t.” Youngbae replied. “I’ll do it myself. I still have an ounce of pride.”

Chapter 15.   A painful decision

Youngbae closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had replayed his conversation with Jiyong a thousand times in his mind, as well as the moments he had spent with Seungri. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure that he had been fooled, that Seungri had used him as a challenge or an experiment. The pain in his chest was choking him, but it was going to grow even more excruciating if they didn’t break up.

“Ri… I mean Seungri, I have to talk to you.”

“Sure, Baebae!” The maknae replied with a knowing wince. “Do you want to go to quiet place for that?”

Youngbae felt himself boiling inside. Jiyong was right. For Seungri, all of this was just a game.

“Yes, but not for what you think.” The older man retorted. “And call me hyung.”

Seungri’s eyes widened.

“But I thought… I thought…”

He was so cute with this astonished look on his face that Youngbae failed to give up. But he soon gathered his senses and dragged him to the hallway, not far from their dance studio.

“You look out of sorts, Baeb… I mean hyung.” Seungri said, worried. “Should I really call you hyung again, even when we’re alone?”

“Yes.” Youngbae replied, as coldly as he could. “And there is no more “we”.”

The maknae remained silent a few seconds, not sure to have understood. Taking advantage of it, his hyung cleared his throat.

“Well, our break will be over, so…” he said before turning his back.

Seungri grabbed his shoulder.

“Hyung… What did you say? Why are you leaving me?”

Against his will, Youngbae looked up into Seungri’s eyes. They were feverish, devastated, on the edge of panic. Youngbae’s heart sank, but he managed to keep his composure. Seungri was a good actor, he could still be pretending.

“You know why.” The older man said soberly, freeing himself from Seungri’s grab.

“No, I don’t know why!” The latter exploded. “Is it because of me? Did I go too far at my home the other night? I’m sorry if I scared you, I can take it slow, I can wait for you! I’ll do whatever you want! Is it because of the marriage and children? I told you we’ll find something, I told you to trust me!”

His voice cracked, his eyes tore up. Youngbae’s heart stung, but the word “trust” brought Jiyong’s words back to his mind.

“I don’t trust you.” He spat.

He turned his back to the maknae again, heading to the dance studio, hurrying when Seungri tried to grab him again. He held back his tears. He had to keep a straight composure. Nobody should know how much he loved Seungri. Especially not Seungri himself.

When he entered the dance studio, where Big Bang members and backup dancers were gathered, Youngbae thought he was safe. But Seungri reached him, grabbed him and hugged him, oblivious of the dozen of people around.

“I love you, Bae!” He screamed. “I don’t care of everybody knowing it! You’re everything to me! You can’t let me go, I love you!”

No, Youngbae thought, you don’t love me, you’ve never loved anybody except yourself. But unlike Seungri, he didn’t dare screaming that out loud. He struggled, trying to push Seungri away, but the maknae strengthened his grip.

“You love me too, Bae, I know it! Stay with me!”

He tried to kiss his hyung, but the latter pulled away, blushing.

“Let me go!”

The other Big Bang members rushed toward them to separate them, and were welcomed by Seungri’s shouts.

“So you want to tear us apart? Why? What do you know about us? We love each other!”

“Seungri” Jiyong nearly begged “calm down!”

“I won’t calm down!” Seungri screamed, still holding Youngbae tight.

“Oh yes you will.”

The voice that had just spoken was quiet and low, but it shut everybody up immediately. Seungri let go of Youngbae and slowly turned to face the new arriver. Unable to look into his eyes, he bowed deeply.

“In. My. Office. Now.” President Yang said.

Chapter 16.   A devastating interview

Seungri couldn’t recount how many times he had stood in that office, in front of that desk, waiting nervously for the President to raise his head to him. This time though, the man in front of him was not his main preoccupation. He couldn’t think about anything but Youngbae. Why? Why did he dump him so suddenly? Didn’t he love him? Seungri held back his tears. Of course, Youngbae didn’t love him. He was too good for him. He was too pure for a little like him. He was meant to be a perfect husband and father.

“That was the last time you messed up here.”

Roused from his thoughts, Seungri bowed.

“I apologize for getting mad, sajang-nim. You can be sure it won’t happen again.”

“I am sure of it, Seungri.” The President replied. “I am sure of it because you will never get here again.”

The information needed a few seconds to reach Seungri’s brain.

“Never? B…But…”

“You understood me. That thing here is over.” President Yang said, holding Seungri’s contract with his two hands, as if he was about to rip it off.

“No!” Seungri screamed. “No! Please! Anything, but not that!”

“I’m afraid you’ve already reached the limit of my patience, Seungri. I warned you many times before about your behavior, I told you to be more respectful toward your hyungs. And what do you do? You attack Youngbae and you embarrass him publicly.”

“I didn’t attack him, Sir” Seungri said in panic, his eyes locked on his jeopardized contract. “I swear I didn’t mean any harm.”

“Really? Jiyong reported me that you behaved strangely with Youngbae lately, and that you were possibly harassing him.”

“Did Jiyong hyung say that?” Seungri couldn’t believe his own ears. What did Jiyong know?

“Yes he did. And you know how much I trust Jiyong and Youngbae. I nearly raised them. I’m pitiless with these who mess up with my kids.”

“Sir, Jiyong is my friend. Youngbae…”

Seungri’s throat tightened. Youngbae was his ex-boyfriend. President Yang raised an eyebrow.

“I heard you saying him “I love you”.”

There was a silence.

“That’s right, I love him.”

President Yang sighed.

“So you didn’t have enough with girls? You had to drag Youngbae into that?”

“Sir, I really love him!”

“Don’t play that game with me! I know you enough! And anyways, Youngbae sure doesn’t love you back. Does he?”

Seungri reluctantly shook his head.

“No, Sir, he doesn’t.”

“So you were actually harassing him against his will! Seungri, I have enough of you. I won’t let you screw up Big Bang any longer.”

“Please, Sir, please, don’t fire me!” Seungri begged. “Big Bang is the five of us, if I’m out it won’t be Big Bang anymore…”

“That’s what you think” President Yang retorted, “But your two lines in each song are not enough to convince me.”

“How about my dance skills then?” Seungri was on the edge of crying.

“You used to be the best dancer in Big Bang.” The President conceded. “But since Strong Baby, all what you’ve done is shaking your hips and getting d by backup dancers. You’re part of an idol group, not a strip club.”

“And my solo album, then? It was ranked first among solos!”

“That’s the least we could expect, regarding the little numbers of solo acts out there. But you let yourself overshadowed by GD&TOP. For a YG production, that album was mediocre.”

Seungri remained stunned a few seconds before being able to talk again.

“Is that what you’ve thought of me for all these years?”

President Yang sighed again.

“I’ll be straightforward with you, Seungri, because this conversation is already getting too long. I’m seldom wrong. When I eliminated you from Big Bang at first, I did the right thing. Then I saw my little prodigies, Jiyong and Youngbae, devastated because their beloved maknae was out. I got weak. I gave you a second chance to cheer them up, but my mistake got confirmed over and over. Your little moments of glory can’t make up for the burden you brought here.”

Powerless, Seungri closed his eyes not to see his career being destroyed. But he still heard the noise of the ripped paper, and he felt as if his own heart had been ripped.

It was over. Everything was over. His love. His dream. His life.

Chapter 17.   An intoxicated recollection

Seungri rushed down the YG building, not wanting to meet anybody. Heading straight to his car, he ignored everything around. He had only one idea in mind: going home and then… and then what? He had never done anything in his life except music. He had never loved anyone except Youngbae. He had left his own family seven years before and replaced it by YG. These thoughts occurred to him while driving, and, suddenly, he changed direction and headed to the dorm. It was probably his last chance to go there, to be in the place where he first kissed Youngbae.

The dorm was empty, of course. Standing in the middle of the silent living room, he recalled the good memories of his hyungs and him: Jiyong chasing him to hug him, Top acting childishly to get food, Daesung making silly jokes to cheer them up, Youngbae slumped on the couch shirtless, unaware of his own iness…

Seungri’s steps naturally led him to his ex-lover’s room. As soon as he opened the door, the other man’s scent hit his nostrils. He grabbed Youngbae’s pillow and buried his face in it, to recall the night the two of them had been so close. He did the same with some of Youngbae’s clothes, here and there. But it was all he could get. Youngbae wasn’t part of his life anymore. Youngbae was in a different world, with the rest of Big Bang. Seungri was alone in a parallel universe, where music was off, where Big Bang’s dorm was silent, where love and friendship were just memories, where clothes were the only witnesses of a past passion.

In tears, unable to stay in that room any longer, Seungri headed to the kitchen. Searching the cupboards, he found some half empty bottles remaining from parties. He hoped that alcohol would help relieving the pain in his chest and blurring his most recent memories. Taking a first long sip directly from the bottle, he felt his throat burn, then his stomach. But it didn’t stop his heart from bleeding. He emptied the bottle in no time and, while reaching for another one, he felt the kitchen turning around him. How could his direct surroundings be so blurred, and his memories still so vivid? He needed something else, to kill that pain, or to sleep for years, until these horrible events get really far away.

Dropping the empty bottle on the floor, he grabbed another one and made for the bathroom. Among diverse medicines against headache and stress, he found a box with an eye-catching red exclamation mark on it. His inebriate mind recalled its origins: after his latest accident, Daesung got anti-depressing prescribed. But he was feeling so guilty that he didn’t want to take anything to relieve his pain, that, according to himself, he had deserved. During a few seconds, Seungri admired his hyung’s courage and blamed himself for being the coward he was. But the pain he felt for being left alone was stronger than his pride.

He took the first pill in, and bringing the bottleneck to his lips, swallowed it with a long sip of alcohol.

Chapter 18.   A terrifying discovery

“What…What did you do?”

The four remaining members of Big Bang were speechless. The announcement their boss had just made was highly unexpected.

“He got it coming to him” President Yang justified himself. “Being part of a successful idol band doesn’t give anyone the right to mess up.”

“B...But…” Jiyong started. “You can’t fire Seungri… It doesn’t make sense… He’s been part of the team from the beginning…”

“And I should have eliminated him from the beginning.” President Yang replied. “Some members of Big Bang are irreplaceable. Not him.”

Jiyong tried to overcome his personal feelings and to form a coherent statement.

“Sir, we have concerts coming up, we need Seungri.”

“I thought about it. If you really can’t cover his parts, which I doubt, we can select a trainee to replace him.”

The four of them were astonished. Daesung finally spoke up what they all thought.

“Sir… Seungri is not just a band mate, he’s also a friend, he’s someone we’ve worked with every day for nearly six years… How can you fire him so suddenly?”

“You’re here at YG as a music band, not a bunch of friends” President Yang said harshly. “Let your private life aside. Seungri’s place was not in Big Bang.”

Youngbae couldn’t say a word. Breaking up with Seungri had been painful. Realizing he was out of YG was excruciating. Maybe Seungri fooled him. Maybe. But Youngbae couldn’t stop thinking of him with affection and nostalgia. How could Seungri be feeling after being told that he was fired? He was probably devastated.

“Where is he now?” He asked.

President Yang raised his shoulders.

“I don’t know. He’s gone. I told him about an hour ago…”

“An hour ago?” Jiyong exclaimed. “And you tell us only now? I’m the leader, I have the right to know if you’re about to fire a band member!”

“Don’t talk to me that way, Jiyong! I fired Seungri, I can punish other impertinent singers!”

Youngbae dropped the phone he was holding.

“He doesn’t pick up” he said, panicked.

Top was the first to stand up.

“Let’s go to his home” he said.

“Seungri?”

Their voices echoed in the empty dorm.

“Why would you think he came here?” Daesung asked.

Youngbae didn’t have the time to answer.

“Here!” Top shouted, pointing at the kitchen. A bottle had exploded there, there were pieces of glass all over the floor.

“!” Jiyong said, making to the living room, but nobody was there.

Youngbae entered his own room. His pillow was on the floor, his clothes weren’t in order. It could mean only one thing: Seungri had been here. What for? Memories? Youngbae felt his heart sank again. Maybe Seungri loved him, after all…

His thoughts were disrupted by Jiyong’s scream. A long, desperate, blood-freezing scream.

All the members immediately rushed to the bathroom. There, among the medicine boxes and the pieces of glass that were strewn over the vomit-stained floor, Seungri’s body was lying still, eyes closed, mouth slightly open.

Chapter 19.   An unbearable guilt

It was a nightmare.

The four of them had to wait in the hallway of the hospital, while their maknae was taken care of. Jiyong couldn’t stay still, he was pacing up and down, gripping his hair. Daesung was crying silently and Top was absent-mindedly ruffling his hair to comfort him. Youngbae was praying, his head in his hands. But his thoughts would always get back to his responsibility. He couldn’t stop blaming himself for being stupid and not seeing that Seungri loved him, and needed him.

After two hours that seemed an eternity, a doctor got out of the block. Jiyong rushed toward him to get some news, and Youngbae caught a few words: “serious intoxication”, “cleaned his stomach but…”, “not sure if he’ll wake up”, “can’t contact his family”…

The doctor’s words devastated Jiyong even more. Pain, sorrow and culpability were on all the faces. Daesung was blaming himself for letting his box of medicine in the bathroom. Top, for not taking better care of Seungri when he was obviously not doing well. Jiyong, for arousing the doubt in Youngbae’s mind. And Youngbae, for doubting of his beloved.

They finally got the right to enter the room where Seungri had been transferred. They stood around the bed, quiet, and only the beeping sound indicating Seungri’s heartbeat disturbed the silence. Their maknae was oblivious of their presence, pale but still cute, like a sick child in his sleep. Without realizing, they were all holding their breath, as if a single breeze could make this fragile life flicker. They couldn’t believe that their hyperactive maknae, their eternal mood maker, the most “alive” of them, was now swaying between life and death.

It made sense, though, Youngbae thought bitterly. Seungri was always this cheerful because he knew he was beloved. Just like a radiant flower withers when it’s suddenly deprived of sunlight, Seungri’s relish in life faded as soon as he was deprived of his daily fix of love.

Youngbae dropped on his knees and laid his head near Seungri’s, to whisper in his ear.

“I love you, Ri. I really love you. I’m sorry for what I said before. I love you.”

Maybe love could undo what abandon had done. Maybe.

Jiyong motioned Top and Daesung to get off the room with him. Leaving Youngbae alone with his lover was the least he owed him. Youngbae sat on a chair just next to Seungri’s head and stayed there, whispering sweet words like a lullaby.

Chapter 20.   A blue sorrow

It was raining a little.

About two hundred people were there, especially celebrities, not including the crowd of grief-stricken fans that had been kept at a distance. Seungri would have loved it, Youngbae thought bitterly. He would have loved to see so many people gathered for him and only him. He would have loved to see his own face on the covers of all the newspapers and magazines lately.

When the coffin was about to be put in earth, Jiyong suddenly broke down and dropped on the floor to put his arms around the wooden case, crying out loud. The two other members didn’t look any finer. Daesung’s eyes were red and puffy and Top seemed to be about to faint. It was understandable, Youngbae thought. The energetic and playful Seungri was about to be put in a dark hole under a grave forever, never to see the sunlight again.

Youngbae tried to banish that thought out of his mind. After all, as a Christian, he knew that Seungri was not really in the coffin anymore. He was in heaven. Of course he was. It was his place, even if he had been an impertinent boy, even if he had let his hormones lead most of his decisions, even if he was gay, even if he committed suicide. But even if he was up there, he was going to have a hard time adapting to such a quiet place. As Jiyong said, Seungri wasn’t an angel… And that was what made him so lovable.

Unable to take it anymore, Youngbae burst into tears. He was mad at the whole world, at their President, at Jiyong, at himself for rejecting the only person who he loved and who loved him, he was even mad at Seungri for leaving this world without him.

“Bae…”

Youngbae startled and looked around him, but everybody was watching his own feet.

“Bae…”

He was sure this time, someone had called him. Someone… who wasn’t there.

“Youngbae!”

Was it possible?

“Seungri…” Youngbae whispered back, as softly as possible.

He couldn’t feel the raindrops on his skin anymore. He couldn’t hear the pastor talking or his friends crying. He couldn’t feel the ground of the graveyard under his feet, and he thought he was going to lose his balance, but surprisingly he didn’t fall. His surroundings blurred as a strong light pierced his eyes.

“Bae… Why are you crying?”

Youngbae’s eyes shot open, but he immediately had to blink. The morning light was getting straight into his eyes. It took him a few moments to remember where he was. There was no rain, no graveyard, no coffin. He was sitting on a chair, next to a bed. And from this bed, a dizzy Seungri was looking at him.

“Ri!”

Youngbae kneeled near the bed to be closer to his baby.

“Ri, I love you. I was so scared of losing you…”

Seungri’s hand brushed Youngbae’s tears away.

“What happened?” He asked tiredly.

“You don’t remember?” Youngbae said, trying to hug him despite the drips and the oxygen tubes. “Nevermind. I love you, it’s just what matters.”

Chapter 21.   A smooth recovery

“Jiyong gave me that for Seungri” Top said, handing a stuffed panda to Youngbae. “And he wants you and him to know he’s sorry.”

Youngbae took the plush toy and placed it in Seungri’s bed, next to the maknae’s head. Seungri had been discharged from hospital as soon as he woke up, not to attract journalists there, and he was now home, in his bed, because he still needed to recover. He had been asleep most of the time since he was back, including when his parents visited him, and now that Top and Daesung were there. Youngbae brushed his cheek.

“It’s a cute gift for a cute boy” he said, “but I’m not sure it will be enough. He doesn’t want to be told about Jiyong at all. He thinks it’s his fault if he’s been fired.”

“And you?” Daesung asked. “Are you mad at Jiyong?”

“No” Youngbae replied. “No, I’m only mad at myself. And at Mr. Yang, of course.”

“By the way” Top questioned, “you saw him this morning, didn’t you?”

“Yes” Youngbae said, looking away. “I handed him my resignation.”

There was a silence. They expected it, of course, but it was still painful to hear.

“So that’s it” Daesung whispered. “Big Bang’s adventure is over.”

“Big Bang was over as soon as Seungri got fired.” Youngbae said stubbornly.

They all looked at the boy concerned, who was sleeping peacefully. He was still on a drill.

Top broke the silence.

“So what will you do now?” Top asked Youngbae.

The latter smiled.

“As for now, I work as a home nurse. It’s a full time job.”

“You know what I mean. Music is your life.”

Youngbae glanced at Seungri again.

“I’ll consider that when this cutie gets better. Right now he’s my only concern.”

They remained silent a few moments again, and then Daesung spoke hesitantly.

“What you two are going throw is hard, of course, but… You’re lucky to have each other.”

Youngbae smiled brightly, and Top nodded.

“Baebae” Seungri called tiredly, “Is it the morning already?”

Youngbae laughed.

“It’s the evening, babo. You slept all day.”

“Really? Did somebody come to see me?”

“Yes Majesty, the whole country! But don’t worry, they’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Why is there a cute panda on my pillow?”

“I see two cute pandas on this pillow” Youngbae said, and he kissed Seungri to avoid the question. "I don't know which one you’re talking about.”

“Baebae…”

“What, sweetie?” Youngbae asked worriedly. “Do you need something?”

“Yes” Seungri whispered. “I need you. Please sleep with me.”

“I’ll be glad to” Youngbae immediately replied, taking his shirt off.

He was soon in boxers only and slipped himself inside the bed.

“Baebae…” Seungri said again, even cutesier.

“Yes love?”

“Watching you stripping made me super hard… And I think I’m too weak to take care of it myself…”

Youngbae rolled over the bed to touch his lover.

“I’m glad to see you didn’t change, little !” He said before French kissing him.

Chapter 22.   A feeling of love

Seungri got better day by day. He was soon freed from his drill and able to get up. But Youngbae stayed. He had nowhere else to go that was close enough from his lover, and he just didn’t want to leave.

These days were wonderful. They were alone in the world, not having many calls since Seungri’s condition had improved. They would play together on Seungri’s piano, cuddle up while watching TV, eating whatever they wanted at any time. Youngbae would always cook and do the chores, although Seungri tried to stop him.

“Stop that!” he kept saying. “You’re not my slave!”

“But I owe you” Youngbae endlessly replied. “I made you suffer and I’m sorry. Now I’ll do anything you want.”

“Then I want you to stop washing the dishes right now!”

“…Anything but that.”

“Aish!”

Youngbae was taking care of absolutely everything, from the breakfast in the early morning to the little ual favor before sleeping.

“Baebae, faster!”

Youngbae would Seungri’s member, some nights with his fist, some nights with his mouth, until his baby reaches his , spills his and falls asleep. Youngbae never asked for anything in return. His lover’s moans and panting were enough for him.

But as Seungri recovered, he became greedier.

“Baebae” he said lustfully that night, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Baby Ri” Youngbae whispered back.

“Baebae, I want you more. I want to get closer to you.”

“Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything.”

“I want to make love to you. I really want it.”

Youngbae closed his eyes. He had never made love. He was a bit anxious.

“I want to please you, Baebae” Seungri continued. “You always please me. I want to make you moan too.”

His eyes still closed, Youngbae let his lover undress him. He wasn’t going to resist, of course, but he was really nervous.

“I’m gonna massage you first to relax you, Baebae.” Seungri said, reaching for the massage oil. “Don’t be scared. Lay on your stomach.”

Youngbae complied, and he felt Seungri’s hands caressing and massaging his shoulders and back. It was actually relaxing, although it also gave him a hard-on.

“And here comes the long-time promised massage!” Seungri joked.

Youngbae felt Seungri’s hands on his cheeks first, then between them, massaging the ring of muscles around his hole. It felt unusual, but not bad. But then, he felt one of Seungri’s fingers, coated with massage oil, entering his body. By reflex, he clenched his hole, but Seungri soothed him with sweet reassuring words, and he soon relaxed again.

The finger was going in and out of him, and the sensation wasn’t really pleasant, but Youngbae didn’t say anything. He owed Seungri so much that abandoning his body to him was still far to be enough. He winced when he felt a second finger entering and stretching his hole, but he still didn’t complain.

He felt relieved when Seungri’s fingers withdrew, but also… empty. Surprisingly, he missed them. He saw Seungri grabbing a and some lube in his nightstand.

“It will hurt the first time” he warned. “I’m sorry about it. Scream if you can’t take it.”

Youngbae felt the tip of Seungri’s hard length pushing against his entrance, then suddenly ing a few centimeters. The pain was so strong that Youngbae failed to scream, but he tightened his jaws. He shouldn’t stop Seungri, because Seungri had all the rights on him… When the latter pushed a little more, Youngbae tore up, but he remained quiet. Seungri’s moan confirmed that his lover was enjoying it. Youngbae was glad to suffer for Seungri’s pleasure, he was glad to feel a bit of the pain his baby had been through…

That’s when Seungri’s length hit his prostate. Youngbae screamed, seeing stars. The younger man stopped, worried.

“Sorry! Did I hurt you?”

“No!” Youngbae screamed. “Please go on, it’s ing good!”

Seungri nearly withdrew… to slam back into his lover, who screamed again and jerked on the sheets. He came soon after, and collapsed next to his hyung.

“Did you enjoy it, Baebae?” he smirked.

“Oh yes Baby Ri, please do that to me every night!”

Seungri pecked his lips.

“If I do so, you won’t be able to walk anymore.”

“I don’t care” Youngbae replied. “I don’t want to walk away from you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Baebae.”

Epilogue

MC: Good evening everybody! Tonight we have the honor to welcome two celebrities who hadn’t had any public appearance for nearly two months. Please give a round of applause to former Big Bang members Taeyang and Seungri!

SR: Hello! I’m Seungri, nice to meet you!

TY: Good evening! I’m Taeyang, nice to meet you!

MC: The fans have been sorry to hear about Big Bang being disbanded. What are your feelings?

SR: I don’t consider Big Bang as disbanded. We’re having a crisis. We had a lot before. We are going to get through this one. As I said before, I want to be part of Big Bang till I die.

TY: Music gathers us and strengthens us. We separated from YG, not from music.

MC: We were shocked to hear that you are no longer part of YG. What happened?

SR: YG fired me, because he thought I had a bad influence on Taeyang. (laughs)

TY: I think Mr. Yang was overprotective toward me, and when he noticed that Seungri’s attitude toward me had changed, he wanted to keep him away from me. He didn’t mean any harm, of course, but I’m still mad at him for his decision.

MC: What is this change of attitude you are talking about?

TY: Well, I’m the lucky one who’s sharing Seungri’s life!

SR: He’s my lover. He’s handsome, right? You’re jealous, aren’t you?

MC: I am! I’m jealous of both of you, you look so good together. It’s so cute, they’re holding hands! But let me ask you: Will this relationship be accepted by your family and peers? Taeyang, as a Christian, is it okay for you to love a man?

TY: God loves all of us. Look at Seungri, God chose to save him. No matter whom we love, from the moment we love deeply and truly. I hope our families understand that soon.

SR: We know this society is conservative, but we don’t want to hide. We’re not ashamed of loving each other. At the beginning we hid our relationship from our bandmates, but it turned out to be a mistake.

MC: Congratulations, then! But you talked about Seungri being saved, what happened? I’m sorry to ask, but there were rumors of suicide attempt, that YG denied…

SR: They were true. Well, I don’t think I had a strong will to end my life, but I felt so desperate that I took alcohols and pills… I thought Taeyang didn’t love me back, and that I had lost both Big Bang and my love. It broke my heart.

MC: Let’s talk about music now. Do you have plans? Do you think you can do music without a company behind you?

TY: Actually, we’re a good team together! We’re already working on duet songs.

SR: I have a keyboard and good recording equipment at home. Of course it’s not very sophisticated, but our voices make it up for it. Since we’re already famous, we think we’ll manage to sell digital songs online without regular promotion.

TY: I trust him, he’s always been our businessman!

MV: So we can expect to hear from you two soon!

SR: Yes, but I sincerely hope you’re going to hear about Big Bang soon as well. The situation is delicate now, but I’m sure we’ll get back together, inside or outside YG Family.

TY: It’s not over!