Hyung, do you know, it’s hard to try to forget you. How am I supposed to forget you if I have to see you everyday? If your presence still lingers here, in my heart? Just one night, just one damn night after you dumped me, then you having a sweet talk with random some women.

Everyone said, letting him go, Kyuhyunnie. Not everything is about him. Yes, they are right hyung, not everything is about you, but most of the things are. You were someone who meant for me. How on earth they expected me to get rid off you?

I tried to act as normal as I could, throwing a witty answer, being rebellious and snarky. But, don’t you understand hyung? That I would just use my wit to hid my inner pain.

Day passed… and you would never see me as you used to be.

Loving you is tiring hyung. And now, I am tired. No, I am exhausted. I’ll let you go…  Tears were no longer can be seen from the younger’s eyes.  Ah, yes, as he said , he was too tired.

.

.

.

.

I never realized that all this time I wasn’t paying attention to my surrounds. I was too busy loving you. I was too busy looking at you that made me closed my eyes from others.

With Siwon hyung whom I figured avoiding me with his restlessness jobs, I thought it was time to open my eyes, do many things I want to do that he always asked me not to do, explore myself and the most important point is to keep myself busy to distract me from my sorrow. The only sorrow you left me with.

So here I am, collaborating with Jungmo hyung to perform on Immortal song. We’ve known for so long, but that time was the first time I really talked with him. He was all nice and good. He cared of me and treated me well.

He wasn’t like you, Siwon hyung.

He never treated the women nicely if he wasn’t really interested with them.

He never talked all sweet and acted oh so like a  gentleman whenever he didn’t want to.

He was so blunt. He wasn’t like you who would say anything for the sake of common people even if it hurt me. He would never lie to himself, hyung.

And he told me that he cared of me.

His words were trustworthy hyung, he told me he didn’t ask me to say anything. He didn’t want me to think of it as a burden. Why he wasn’t you?

We spent time together after filming Immortal song. He was fun to be with. Once he told me that he would take me to go on vacation to cheer me up. No matter how busy he was, he could sneak and take me to wandering around. Why you had not been able to do that for me, hyung?

He wiped my tears when I cried, i lost count how mant times i cried for you hyung. he never asked what happened. he was just being there, when you were no longer around.

but those fingers, those kind fingers, were not yours.

Jungmo hyung even took me to Japan for couple of days, having sometime alone to calm myself when I told him about you and I. he ruffled my hair and caressed it gently. But for me, it felt so much different comparing to the way you did that to me. Again, you would never caress me again, wouldn’t you, hyung?

So I wasn’t wrong if I felt happy that someone actually cared of me, right?

Being with other people is fun, being with Jungmo hyung is quite good, at least he tried to make me feel secure.

But why hyung, why it always your face I could only remember?

He is perfect in every single way, he is someone who I trust to not let me down. he is someone who is willing to erase y pain.

He is perfect but he is not you.

He cares of me but he is not you.

.

.

.

.

I was the one, who let him go,

Whatever the reason was which I didn’t tell him, I was the one who dumped him.

He had all the rights in the world to do anything he wanted to as long as it wouldn’t have a bad effect to the group, including getting close with some people.

But, why acknowledging him having vacation with another guy all by themselves made my mind blew up from anger?

It was pissing me off when the leader told us that our magnae was already at Japan only with Jungmo-ssi.

He even smiled genuinely to someone else. The smile that once was mine, only mine.

Life is about to decide, whether you like it or not.

Thus,

The decision I’ve made, I never said it was the right one. It was never for the sake of us. But there’s no other choice, if only he knew.

If only Kyuhyun knew.

The leader told me, once I’ve let him go, there would be two options, regretting it, or feeling relief.

But I don’t feel one of them, not regretting nor being felief.

Just emptiness.

*kill me please.. hiks hiks,

And I’m sorry for not updating my other fics, I still wait for the mood to write those. Especially when the main charas have such kind of ‘fights’ in the real life. It does affect my mood :’( *failed-author*

But I promise you, I won’t abandon them. *pinky promise*