Junhyung’s POV

I in deep breaths because I couldn’t breathe properly. Hearing those words from , my heart ached. I treated her like crap, but at the end of the day instead of telling me that she hated me, she told me that she loves me and I am all that she has left.

Is this an innocence of a child? Their hearts are so pure. They forgive and forget sincerely. I was so mean to her, but she did not even doubt me when I spoke to her like normal, except for looking still quite fearful of me.

“I’ll be back. I promise.” I said.

She nodded slightly.

“Just sleep or something, okay?” I said, covering the blanket over her properly.

I practically power walked to my car. I drove back to our home. Ignoring the overwhelming emotions in me, I headed into Hana’s room straight. I opened her closet and pulled out a few clothes as well as her jacket. I looked around her room, thinking of what else I could get for her to make her feel as comfortable as possible. I looked at the soft toys on her bed, not knowing which one was her favourite, I grabbed a teddy bear.

“Who are your friends?” I asked the teddy bear, making it look at the other soft toys.

I laughed at my own madness as I grabbed an elephant soft toy and a rabbit soft toy.

“You have weird friends.” I mumbled, shoving them into the bag as well.

As I was about to walk out, I realized the mess I have made out of her bed. I put her bag down and then started folding her blanket, arranging her soft toys, bolster and pillow. I have never made her bed before, never actually did anything for her before.

“What’s this?” I asked myself as I felt a bulge behind her mattress.

I pulled out whatever that was stuck behind. It was a shirt, wrapping over something soft. I opened the shirt, letting whatever wrapped inside drop out. It was a doll, and the shirt, it belongs to… Seungho.

I stared at the doll, and the shirt blankly. The doll was dirty, not the old kind of dirty, but as thou it was dropped somewhere. And then I remembered. This doll, it was the doll from that day, that faithful day my Seungho got taken away from me.

I don’t remember bringing this doll back. Did Hana went out to get it herself when I was preoccupying myself with Seungho? And the shirt, when did she get it? Why did she have his shirt? Why was it stuffed behind her mattress?

***

I stood in the shower, letting the warm water pour on me.

Panda, I am dumb, aren’t I? It took me so long to realize what a jerk I actually am. It took me your death and almost hers to realize that people don’t last forever and I could lose everything in just a blink of an eye with no explanation given to me at all.

No one is going to ask for my permission before they take away people from my life, and once they are gone, they aren’t coming back. Why did it take me so long to realize that? Why did it take me so much to realize how much I have wasted it life?

Panda, is it too late now? Is it too late to be nice to Hana? Is it too late to tell her that I actually want to be her Daddy? Have I lost it all? I want her in my life. I want to take care of her, I want to shower her with all the love and care. But Panda, is it too late? Do I still have a chance? I was so mean to her, would she let me into her life?

Panda, she told me I am all that she has left when I practically threw her away. I am supposed to feel touched, aren’t I? But why does it hurt? The part of my chest where my heart is supposed to lie, it hurts. It hurts so much I couldn’t breathe.

Panda, why? Panda, where are you when I need you to explain all these to me? Panda, I need you to teach me how to be a good father. I need you to educate me so I can continue with your responsibility, as well as mine. Yes, my responsibility. We adopted her together, didn’t we? We are her fathers. I know you’ve tried for the past two years but I never paid any attention. Because I thought you would be here forever to take care of her. I thought she was your responsibility. I never thought you would be gone so soon.

Now I am lost. I want to be a good father, yet I don’t know how, and I don’t have anyone to turn to. I know no one taught you how to be a good father, but Panda, you’re a natural father, while I am a natural jerk.

“Panda, help…” I let myself slide down onto the floor, with the showerhead showering water all over me. I cried and cried, for everything I did and did not do for the past two years. Everything is coming back to me, like a movie, but a very terrible one.

***

I jumped when I heard a bloodcurdling scream coming from Hana’s room. Even before I knew it, I was running towards her room. I never knew I could run. I pushed open her room door, panting and staring at the sight in front of me.

Hana was sobbing while the nurses and doctor stood in front of her, shocked.

“Wh.. What.. What happened?” I asked, panting.

“We.. We were just.. trying to give her a jab.” One of the nurses explained.

I let out a small smile, relieved that it wasn’t anything big.

I put my stuff down onto the table before heading towards her. I sat on the side of her bed.

“Hana ah, you want to get well, right?” I asked, trying to sound as gentle as possible.

She looked at me, trembling as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“I wouldn’t lie to you and tell you it wouldn’t hurt, but it is just a bit. Like just a small stab, and it’ll be over in no time.” I tried to coax her.

She shook her head vigorously.

Seungho, what do I do in times like this? How do you always get her to get jabbed?

“Hana, please. You want to go home, don’t you? It’ll be very fast, I promise you. I’ll hold you, okay?” I asked, opening my arms to invite her into my embrace.

“I DON’T WANT! I DON’T WANT! PLEASE! I DON’T WANT IT!!!” She cried, kicking the blanket.

“Alright, alright, alright! Don’t do this. You’ll hurt yourself. Stop, Hana. Stop. Please.” I held onto her.

I looked at her, letting out a sigh. I sigh, not because of her tantrum, but because of my helplessness.

“Is there no other way? Medicine or what?” I asked the doctor.

“This is an antibiotic. It is needed to help build back her immune system. The oral taken one is a tablet, and it is not as effective.” He explained.

“Hana, look. Just one jab, and that’s all. I’ll buy you ice cream after that?” I tried.

“Please.” I pleaded.

She looked at me with teary eyes. I wrapped my arms around her as the doctor prepared for the jab. I thought this method would work, but I was wrong. How naive of you, Yong Junhyung.

Even before the needle could poke into her, she pulled her hand back, crying loudly into my chest.

If Seungho were around, I am pretty sure by now she would have taken the jab and smiling now as she her ice cream.

“Shhh shhh~” I caressed her back.

“What do I have to do for you to take that jab?” I asked softly.

She shook her head, still crying.

“You’re afraid of the pain? It would hurt just a little.” I said.

She shook her head. How could you tell something like that to a kid, Yong Junhyung? You know it does not hurt just a little. It hurts like crazy. Even you’re afraid of it, liar.

“Alright, I’ll do it with you.” I sighed.

She looked up at me, so did the doctor and the nurses.

“I’ll do it with you.” I smiled at her.

“You’ll.. do it?” She asked in between her sobs.

“Yea. I’ll do it with you.” I said.

“But.. But.. You’re not.. sick.” She said.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“If it makes you feel better, why not?” I said.

“Shall I go first?” I asked her, rolling up my sleeve.

The doctor looked at me.

“Are you.. sure?” He asked.

“Yea, why not? Come on.” I said.

“But Hana, after me, it’s your turn, okay? You cannot back out, alright?” I said.

She nodded slightly.

“Pinky promise.” I said, sticking out my pinky.

She chuckled as she hooked her pinky with mine. This is the least I can do for her, no? She has endured so much pain because of my harshness. What is this little jab compared to those?

She hugged my arm, leaning against me, cringing as the doctor stabbed a needle into my arm. Man, it hurts.

I winced a little, hoping that she did not realize it, but her soft chuckle told me she heard it. I looked at her, pouting slightly.

“I thought you said it wouldn’t hurt?” She asked softly, smiling.

“I said it would hurt slightly.” I pinched her nose lightly.

“Now, your turn.” I said, carrying her to sit on my lap.

Her smile faded away, replaced with a pout.

“We promised.” I said.

“But…” She looked at the needle, shaking already.

“Don’t look at it.” I said, letting her bury her face into my chest.

She burst into tears the moment the tip of the needle touch her skin. Her small hands digging into my back as she cried.

“Stop, stop!” I stopped the doctor.

I could have just let her cry as the doctor jab her. But something inside me just stopped the doctor.

The doctor looked at me, confused.

“Sorry.” I mumbled before pulling Hana to look at me.

I sighed and let out a helpless laugh, not knowing what to say at the pouting face in front of me.

“I’m scared.” She whined.

“I know, I know.” I said.

“We’ll do it together this time, alright? But promise me, just do not move. I know it hurts, but do not move, because it will be dangerous if you fidget. Understand?” I said, rolling up the sleeve of my other arm.

She looked at me, nodding slightly.

“Should I really jab you again?” The doctor asked me softly.

As much as I wanted to say no~

“Yes.” I said. How could I lie to a child?

She squeezed her eyes shut, digging her nails into my waist as the doctor jabbed both of us. But she did not cry, she did not even make a sound.

“There, it’s over.” I said, smiling at her.

She nodded.

“Did it hurt?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a pout.

“Oh, sorry.” I laughed, pulling her closer to me.

“But at least it’s over, no?” I asked.

She nodded.

The MBLAQ boys as well as the rest of Beast came over with soft toys and balloons, lightening up the mood totally.

“Don’t make her laugh so much. She’ll not be able to sleep tonight.” I said as I watch Yoseob and Mir tickle her like crazy.

“It’s nice to see this part of you, Yong Junhyung.” Doojoon said slapping my arm.

I jumped a little and winced at the aching pain, but smiled at him.

I was starting to feel the after effects of the jabs. All I could feel in my arms were the sickening ache.

“I don’t know if I could do a good job thou. I am really new to this.

I said, watching them play with Hana.

“You’re doing well already. Seungho will watch over you.” He said. My smile dropped hearing his name.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to mention his..” I stopped him before he could continue.

“It’s fine. I’m good.” I smiled.

“If you need help, be it with Hana, or yourself, please, don’t feel embarrassed at all. Just voice it out. We’ll help you to the best of our abilities.” G.O said, slapping my other arm.

‘OUCH!’ I screamed inside, but on the outside, I just let out a forced smile.

“Are you okay?” He asked with concern all over his face.

“Y..Yea..” I said.

“You must be tired.” Doojoon said, squeezing my arm.

“DON’T!!!!” I cried out.

He backed away in shock. Everyone turned to look at me.

“Don’t do that…” I whined softly, holding onto my limp arm.

“I.. I am sorry..” He apologized.

“What’s wrong with your arm, hyung?” Dongwoon asked.

“It’s nothing.” I said.

“Tell us!” Yoseob pouted.

“Just.. Just got jabbed.” I said, looking away.

“YOU’RE UNWELL!?”

“WHY DID YOU GET JAB?!”

“ARE YOU SICK!?”

“WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY!?”

They screamed these questions into my face. I opened my mouth to try answer them, but they kept continuing. I rolled my eyes. I happened to meet eyes with Hana who was giggling on her bed. I stuck out my tongue at her, making her laugh even harder. Does it amuse her so much seeing me in pain? Or is it the members endless questions the joke?

“Tell us, hyung!” Kikwang shook me, squeezing both my arms at the same time.

“Owwwww~” I whined.

“What did I do!? What did I do!?” He yelled, still squeezing onto me.

“Let.. Let.. Let my arms.. go~~~” I whined.

Hana’s laughter got louder. All of us turned to look at her. She was in her own world, laughing like crazy.

“Hey you!” I yelled, pointing at her.

She giggled, covering half her face.

“Stop laughing! Yah!” I yelled, but couldn’t contain my laughter as well.

The other boys stared at us as thou we were freaks.

“Hyung! What’s wrong!? Why did you get jabbed!?” Dongwoon whined.

“Because somebody was crying her eyes out. So I had to do it with her, or else, where do you think she got all her energy to fool around with you guys?” I said, looking at Hana who has slipped into her blanket, still laughing.

The other boys looked at me shocked, and then they started laughing.

“Oh gosh! Are you really Yong Junhyung!?” Hyunseung asked.

“Laugh all you want.” I mumbled, sinking into the couch.

I found myself laughing as well. I never really expected myself to do such things thou. I watch them play with her. Although they were noisy, I was thankful they were here. Or else it would just be me and her, looking awkwardly at each other.

“So why did you get jabbed on both arms?” Joon asked, sitting beside me.

“Because I did it first, and then when it was her turn she started crying again, so I had to do it with her the second time.” I explained.

He nodded, smiling.

“Why are you so happy?” I asked him.

“Because… Because it was something Seungho hyung used to do too.” He said with a sad smile.

“Seungho?” I asked.

“Yea. Like you, he’ll try to keep it from us. But we are dancers, we are bound to use our arms, and it’ll hurt him. At first we thought he got hurt somewhere, and then he finally told us it was the jab. I guess both of you are very similar huh. Sacrificing for her, in some way or another.” He said.

I looked down. So this is how Seungho gets her jabbed?

“But you know, Junhyung, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You did it for her. You endured the pain for her. You should be proud of it. At least, I am proud of you, we are proud of you. It’s not embarrassing or weak. It’s what a father would do for his daughter.” He said.

I looked at him, the corner of my lips unconsciously curling up into a smile. It’s what a father would do for his daughter…

***

“Last scoop!” I said, feeding her.

“I’m full!” She whined.

“What full!? I ate half of it for you. Come on, be good. Just one last scoop! Can’t you hear how it is calling out for you to eat it?” I said.

“Eat me, eat me~” I imitated.

“Can you hear it?” I asked.

She nodded and opened wide.

“There~ Good girl~” I said, wiping clean.

“How about you?” She asked.

“I’ll grab something later.” I said.

“I don’t know what you like, so I just grabbed some toys.” I said, pulling out the teddy bear, elephant and rabbit.

“Thank you.” She said, hugging them tight.

“And this.” I said, pulling out the doll wrapped in Seungho’s t-shirt.

She froze. She looked at me, as thou afraid of something.

“I… I…” She mumbled.

“It’s yours, right?” I asked, putting it on her lap.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to steal it. I just.. I just..” She said, tears flowing down her cheeks.

“Hey, hey. Why are you crying? Don’t cry. Don’t apologize. Please.” I said, hugging her.

“It’s alright, Hana ah. I understand. You miss him, don’t you? I miss him too.” I mumbled.

“I miss Seungho appa~” She cried.

“I’m sorry. I killed him.” She continued.

Her words were like a knife, stabbing deep into my heart.

“You did not kill him. You did not.” I said.

“I did! I did! If not for me, Appa would be alive! Appa would not die!” She sobbed.

Suddenly, I understood her drawing.

I pulled out the drawing from her bag and opened it up.

“Is this why… You drew this?” I asked.

Her tears dripped all over the artwork as her fingers touched the drawing.

“This is Hana, right?” I asked, pointing at the girl standing alone.

She nodded.

“And this?” I asked, pointing at the two men.

“Appa.. and you.” She muttered.

“Why are you so far away from us?” I asked.

“Because…” She pinched the corner of the paper nervously.

“Because… You all would be happier without me.” She said.

I knew the answer already. But hearing it from her, it just hurts ten times more.

“It’s not like that.” I said, pulling her close to my chest.

“Hana, I know I’ve said a lot of mean things to you, and I have always been an .. No, I mean.. I’ve always been bad to you. I am sorry, Hana. I am so sorry.” I said.

“I know it may be too late to get you to like me. I know I cannot replace Seungho appa’s place in your heart, and neither do I want to do that. I just hope you would give me a chance to love and care for you. I know it’s late, but I want to fulfill my responsibility towards you.” I continued, looking at her.

She nodded once.

“I am new to this parenting thing. I may do a horrible job, but please forgive me. I promise you, I’ll learn and do my best to be as good as Seungho appa, although I doubt I would meet his standards. But at least, I promise you, I wouldn’t let you have to suffer so much again because of my negligence.” I said.

She nodded, a small smile creeping onto her face.

“You’ll never be like Seungho appa.” She said with a slight smirk.

As much as it hurts to hear that, I cannot deny she is right.

“I know.” I said softly.

“Not that you’re lousy, but because, you are you, Seungho appa is Seungho appa. You’re both different.” She said, smiling.

I looked at her, surprise. This girl~

“Who taught you to sweet talk like that?” I asked, poking her.

“I was born with this ability.” She laughed.

I turned over the drawing paper and grabbed a pen from the side.

“Look~” I said as I drew.

I drew two men, one with wings, being Seungho, the other grinning like a fool, being myself. And in between us, holding hands, I drew Hana. I left undrawn. And lastly, I circled a big heart shape around all of us.

“Why don’t I have a mouth?” She asked, pouting.

“Because you’re going to draw your own emotions.” I said, handing her the pen.

She drew a big curve pointing upwards.

“Such a wide smile?” I asked.

She nodded happily.

“Your mouth is going to tear, Hana ah~” I said, laughing.

“Let it tear.” She leaned back against my chest, laughing as well.

We played around with each other for a while before I got off the bed.

“Are you going home?” She asked, looking slightly disappointed.

“You want me to go home?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“Well, even if you said you want me to go home, I wouldn’t.” I said, opening my arms to let her jump in.

“Look at the time. It’s 10.30PM. Someone needs to sleep, but before that, we need to get your teeth clean or else those little germs will tackle you.” I tickled her as I carried her to the toilet.

We brushed our teeth together and got cleaned up before I carried her back to bed.

“Sleep, okay?” I said, tucking her in.

“Then where are you going?” She asked, pouting slightly.

“I’ll just be here.” I said, pointing to the couch.

“Can’t you be here?” She asked, pointing to her bed.

“Alright.” I said, slipping into the bed, letting her lie against me.

“Does it hurt?” She asked, pointing to my arm.

“No.” I said.

“Really?” She asked, poking me.

“Oww~” I whined, looking at her.

She giggled.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, rubbing my arm.

“You said it didn’t hurt.” She laughed.

“Is this how you treat me?” I mumbled.

“Can you.. Call me Daddy?” I asked.

She looked at me, and then away.

“It’s alright. I was just saying.” I said.

How could I ask her to call me Daddy when it was me who asked her to never call me by that again? Contradicting yourself, Yong Junhyung?

Because of my stupid request, the awkward atmosphere is back. I tried to lighten it by making her soft toys talk to entertain her. I always see Seungho do that to coax her to sleep. I had always been peeking outside, now I wish I actually went in to join them.

“Sleep, sleep~~” I used the teddy to poke her.

“Sleep, okay?” I said, patting her chest lightly.

“Good night.” She said.

“Good night.” I turned off the sidelights.

“Daddy~” She mumbled before burying her face into the pillow.

I found myself smiling like a fool even after she had fallen asleep. I saw my own reflection from my laptop. I looked like a madman.

Daddy; I never knew hearing this word could make me so happy like that.

Seungho, you’re right. Just as long as I am willing to do it, I would see a whole new different world. I am feeling it already, Seungho ah. That magical feeling you always talked about. From now onwards, I’ll shower all my love, care and time on Hana and Hana only. I don’t know if I would do a good job, but I’ll do my best. So please, guide me along the way, and also watch over her in case I don’t do well enough, you would be able to protect her from whatever.

“Watch well, Yang Seungho. Watch while I become a father better than you did~ Hee..” I mumbled as I touched the photo of him and me in my wallet.

‘You’ll be a good father. But you’ll never beat me. Hahaha!’

I looked around, looking for the source of the voice. Then I remember the words on the piece of paper that was stuck to the wiper of my car. I pulled it out and looked at it.

But baby Jun, just because those are happening in your head, why on earth should it mean that they are not real? 

I smiled to myself.

“You can go now, Seungho ah. You can leave peacefully. I’ll take over your responsibility as well. I’ll take good care of her as well as MBLAQ. I’ll miss you a lot, but you can go. Just.. Maybe.. Perhaps.. On my hard days, come into my head and mess with me for a while?” I said to the air, letting my tears drip onto our photo.

‘I love you, and goodbye, Yong Junhyung, the best Daddy and husband ever.’

I felt a something light brush across my cheeks, and then everything seemed to have went back to normal.

I wasn’t dreaming, not this time, not at the cemetery. It was real, everything was. I know it was. Seungho was here, and now he has left. I am crying, but it isn’t because I am hurting. I am happy. I don’t know why am I happy, but I just am.

“Rest in peace, Seungpanda.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes, pressing our photo and that piece of note close to my heart.

“I wouldn’t say goodbye, because I know we’ll meet again. Until then, I’ll be strong. I’ll live well. I’ll live your life as well. I promise you.” I said.

“APPA!!” Hana’s loud cries snapped me out.

“Shh shh~ It’s fine, it’s fine.” I pulled her close to me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, wiping away my own tears.

“I saw Seungho appa.. Daddy, I saw Seungho appa! Ask him not to go! Please!” She cried.

“Hana~ Hana.. Shhh~” I comfort her.

“Hana, listen to Daddy. Although he has left, Appa isn’t gone.” I said.

“What do you mean?” She asked, pouting as she cried.

“He stays here, where it’s safe and warm.” I said, pressing my palm against her chest where her heart lies.

She looked up at me, still crying.

“Don’t trust me? I didn’t say this you know. He said it. Because sweetie, I saw him too.” I said, letting my tears flow.

“I saw him, and like you, I asked him not to go too. But sometimes Hana, as much as we want to, we cannot control the way life works, we can only change ourselves. Seungho appa may not be in the same place as us anymore but that doesn’t mean he is gone. We will meet again, and that’s for sure.” I said, smiling as I wiped her tears.

“When?” She asked.

“By then, we’ll know. Because we’ll see him, welcoming us with his arms open wide like how he always use to, remember?” I said.

She nodded.

“But for now, we’ll have to be strong and continue living here, a place where sadly he cannot be.” I said, looking down.

“But I want him here.” She pouted, trying to control her tears.

“Me too, sweetie. Me too.” I said, hugging her tight as we both cried together for the first time after his death.

See Seungho, see the impact you have on us. As much as I know it is impossible, I wish this were just a bad dream. And then when you wake me up, I would cry to you about it and you would hug me and call me ‘Silly’ like how you always did. Then, I’ll change my attitude towards Hana, and we’ll be one happy family.

But I know it wouldn’t happen, at least, not in this life.

If there is a next life, I want to be your boyfriend again. I want Hana to be our daughter again. But this time, I want to adopt her together with you, and shower her with love and care together with you. I want to do everything we did not get to do as a family. I want to make our happy family a real one, and not something I regret I did not do.