Present

Junhyung’s POV

Within the whitely faded picture,Atop the bookshelf of memory,
We were just faintly exchanging hellos. Comeback, but to the end I still couldn’t say it,
and as the time flies by, the memory fades away

Hana walked out of her room. She bowed to me as a greeting, but I ignored her. Ever since that night, she never spoke to me anymore, neither did she show her face to me except in the morning for breakfast and at night before she slept.

She sat at the dining table, waiting for me to hand her food. There was nothing left at home except for eggs and bread. I fried her two sunny side ups and toasted three slices of bread for her. I slammed the plate of food onto the table. She looked at it, and then back at me.

“What?” I asked, slightly frustrated at the look she was giving me.

She shook her head timidly.

“Eat it, or starve. Be thankful I even cooked you something, idiot.” I mumbled as I grabbed my stuff and stomped out of the house.

Today marks the one-month that my Seungho has left us. I drove my way to the cemetery, planning to be there for the entire day.

“Hi Panda.” I greeted as soon as I arrived. I kissed his photo before sitting down in front of his tomb.

“How have you been?” I asked, sweeping whatever dirt that was on his tomb.

“I’m good. I’m okay.” I smiled.

Many seasons passed And as we meet face to face I still couldn’t say it.
The coldhearted man is crying. At our parting, even she’s crying.
All that’s left are cuts, From the faded memory-window fragments

“See what I bought you!” I said excitedly as I laid out the food I bought for him.

“There’s everything you like. Kimbap, ramen, burger, ddeokbokki, chicken and ahh beef, your favourite. I also bought ice cream, cream puffs, sausages, what else… Oh and squid! Remember how we use to share the squid while drinking soju? I bought you soju too! And Coke for myself. Sorry Panda, you have to drink alone today, because I have to drive. Well.. Maybe I’ll just take a small sip or what.” I said.

“Panda, I really miss you.” I said, as I poured out the soju into a cup.

“But I’m okay, I’m okay. I’m living well. I’m just like before.” I said, drowning my throat with that bitter drink.

“Life is good. I’m getting along well. Everything is well. Don’t worry.” I said.

“But Seungho ah, I cannot help but wonder how would things be like if you’re still alive. You know, I imagine a lot. My imagination runs wild all the time.. and then.. and then I just..” I mumbled, burying my face into my palms.

Yong Junhyung, you useless thing. You made a promise not to cry in front of him.

“I’m sorry, Panda. I know you don’t like to see me cry. Ahh I’m not crying. It’s just the dust. Why is this place so dusty? Doesn’t anyone ever clean this place? Stupid people.” I said, wiping off my tears frantically, but they kept flowing.

The pure blue sky, The rigid lips cry, As I shout how much I miss you,
The string of fate tangled at lingering feelings, Remains tangled,
Then it buries itself once again

“Liar Jun.”

I looked around. There wasn’t anyone at all.

“Pabo Jun.”

“Who’s there?” I asked, looking around.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“BOO!”

“Pa.. Pan.. Panda? Panda!? PANDA IS IT REALLY YOU!?” I yelled, hugging him tight.

Seungho. It was Seungho. My Seungho.

“Aigoo, aigoo! Let me go! Of course it’s really me. Who else?” He pushed me away slightly.

“Panda! Where did you go!?” I cried.

“I never left! Crybaby~ Shh shh.. Stop crying~” He said, his thumbs wiping off the tears that stained my cheeks, but that action made me cry even harder.

“I missed you! I missed you so much!” I cried.

“Okay, okay. Shh shhh~” He pulled me to sit down.

We fed each other food, wiped each other’s mouth, tease each other and had so much fun just like how we did before.

“Come, lie on my lap.” He said, patting his lap.

I rested my head on his lap obediently. I could smell the familiar sweet scent he always had on him, and he is warm. My Seungho. He is really my Seungho.

His arm draped over my waist, caressing my belly like how he always did.

“Where did that belly I like so much go to?” He asked with a slight pout.

“And you said you have been living well? And that everything is okay? Just look at you. Did you cover all the mirrors in our home?” He smacked my arm slightly.

“Sorry~” I mumbled.

“Jun ah, you need to live again.” He said.

“I am living.” I said.

“You’re just existing, you’re not living.” He said.

“I’ll live again because now I have you.” I smiled.

“Jun baby, you have to let me go.” He said.

I sat up instantly. I felt tears burning at the back of my eyes, threatening to flow any moment now.

“WHY!?” I shouted like a three year old.

“Because me and you, we’re not the same anymore. We don’t belong to the same place anymore.” He said.

“NO NO NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY!!!!” I covered my ears.

The suffering heart couldn’t hold back any longer
And it’s chasing after your distant figure

He tried to pull my hands down but I reacted violently. I kicked, punched and pushed him like a dog that had lost control.

“HOW ARE WE NOT THE SAME!? HOW!? WE’RE THE SAME!! WE’RE THE SAME!!!!” I yelled.

“I AM DEAD, JUNHYUNG! I AM DEAD!!” He shouted into my face as he held my hands tightly down.

Seungho hyung was always stronger, he just let me have things my way.

“LISTEN TO ME, YOU STUPID BOY!” He yelled, glaring deeply into my eyes.

“I AM DEAD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!? I DON’T EXIST IN YOUR WORLD ANYMORE!” He shouted.

“You’re not dead! You’re not dead! You’re here with me now! I can feel you! You’re warm! How is it that you’re dead!? You’re a liar!!!! You’re not my Seungho! Return my Seungho to me!!!” I yelled.

“You are the liar! You keep lying to yourself and to me! You’re not okay, yet you tell me you’re okay! You lost so much weight, yet you tell me you are eating well. Everything is not going fine at home, you’re ignoring Hana, you’re ignoring yourself! You’re lying to yourself! You keep telling yourself that I am alive when I am not! Look! Just look at this tombstone! It is my face!!” He yelled, pushing my head over to look at the tombstone.

“IT’S NOT YOU!!! IT’S NOT!!! YOU’RE HERE WITH ME NOW!!!” I yelled, refusing to look.

He gave me a hard punch on my cheek. I could taste the coppery taste of blood in my mouth.

I fell to the ground, holding onto the area he punched.

The coldhearted man is crying.At our parting, even she’s crying.
All that’s left are cuts From the faded memory-window fragments
Oh Stay~ stay again (oh stay~ stay again)

“You’re not dead. You’re not. Why do you keep telling me you’re dead? If you’re dead, then why can I see you? Why can I hug you? Why? Why? Why?” I cried.

“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hit you.” He said, pulling me into his embrace.

I leaned against his chest, crying my heart out. He caressed my back, not saying anything at all, but it was comforting enough.

“You need to let me go.” He whispered.

“I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want to! I am afraid that I would forget you! I cannot live without you. Please, I’ll be a good boy, just don’t leave me anymore. Yes, yes, yes! I admit I lied! I am not good at all! I am not okay! I don’t know what is going on with me! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything! I cut myself, yet I don’t even feel the pain. I see the blood but it’s just like dripping water. I don’t know what is going on. When I see Hana, I cannot help but yell at her. It’s not her fault, I know it’s not. No one wants for this to happen, but I cannot control myself. I scream at her every day. I haul vulgarities at her. I cannot look at her anymore. Every day I have to control myself so hard to not take the knife to stab into her chest. Panda, what the is wrong with me?” I cried.

“Shhhh~” He whispered, planting a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Don’t go, Seungho ah~ Please. I’m begging you. Or else, take me with you! Or let’s exchange places! Let me die, you’ll live! You deserve to live more than I do. You’re such a nice person while I am very evil and mean. I don’t deserve to be living. I should be the one dead, not you. It’s my fault you’re dead. Everything is my fault. Let me die, please…” I pleaded.

“Listen, baby. Listen to me.” He said softly.

“It’s not your fault.” He said.

“It is, it is!” I cried.

“Shhh, I said to listen, right? Hmm? Listen, okay?” He said.

“It’s not your fault, neither is it Hana’s fault. You have to step out of it. Given the situation again, I would have done the same. I would have still died. No regrets. And who says you’re evil? Who says you don’t deserve to live? I saw the expression on your face when Hana ran out. You were a step faster than me, do you remember? I just pushed you back. You love her, I know. You’re not evil, you’re not mean, you just don’t see yourself.” He said.

“Junhyung, there is a lot of humane and love in you. I am saying this because I was a receiver of all your love and care. You’re amazing, Junhyung. Now, shower all those love and care onto yourself, onto Beast, onto Hana, and everyone else.” He said.

“No no no! My love and care is only for you!” I cried.

“Junhyung, I have to go. You’ll sort it out, I believe in you.” He said, standing up.

The coldhearted man is crying. At our parting, even she’s crying.
The time within tears cut apart From the faded memory-window fragments.
I’ll tie them together once again,To tie, to tie

“NO NO! PLEASE DON’T GO!! PLEASE! I’M BEGGING YOU! PLEASE!! I’LL DO ANYTHING!!! I’LL REALLY DO ANYTHING!!! I’LL GIVE YOU HALF MY LIFE!! OR, OR, WHAT IS IT THAT I NEED TO GIVE UP TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU!? I’LL GIVE ANYTHING! PLEASE JUST DON’T GO!!!” I hugged his legs, begging pathetically.

“Be good.” He said, prying my hands off his legs.

“GO!!! JUST GO!!! EVERYONE LEAVES ME IN THE END! EVERYONE JUST THROWS ME AWAY LIKE I AM SOME RUBBISH! I MUST BE A VERY HATEFUL PERSON THAT’S WHY EVERYONE IS JUST LEAVING ME! GO AND NEVER COME BACK! WHY DID YOU EVEN APPEAR WHEN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE SO SOON!? ARE YOU HERE JUST TO SEE HOW PATHETIC I AM WITHOUT YOU!? YOU SAW IT NOW!? ARE YOU HAPPY!? ARE YOU REJOICING!? THIS STUPID SELF PROCLAIMED BADASSR COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIS BOYFRIEND! HE IS SO PATHETIC AND SO EMBARRASSING THAT HE IS BEGGING LIKE SOME YET HE RECEIVES NO ATTENTION WHATSOEVER AT ALL! THIS IS ME! THE JOKER! THE VERY PATHETIC JOKER! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? GO!!!!!” I yelled, pushing him away.

“Go and never come back. I hate you. I hate you so much for toying with my head. Why did you come back to toy with my emotions? Why did you have to appear and bring me sky high and then throw me back down? Why did you have to hurt me like this? Like as if losing you once wasn’t enough! I hate you so much. I hate, hate, hate you to the core! You ! You jerk! You… You… You Panda..” I cried pathetically, punching his tomb till my knuckles bled.

“I love you, and who says I am leaving? I just live in your heart now.”

I felt droplets of water on my cheeks, and then it was like I was being washed out from everything. I opened my eyes and found myself lying next to his tombstone, alone. The sky was grey, and it was drizzling.

I looked at my hands, my knuckles were bleeding. My whole body felt sore, like as thou I just fought or something. My eyes were puffy and swollen My throat felt dry and uncomfortable. The food that I bought seemed to have been eaten. The soju bottle lied empty beside me.

What exactly happened? I looked at the photo of Seungho on his tombstone. He was smiling at me, just like before.

Was that a dream? Was it not real?

I guess I must have gotten tipsy after drinking, and then I had a one-man show in my dream. I cleared up everything and squatted in front of his tomb.

You wouldn’t know, the tears of broken boy, The tired sighs circling around you,
so you can’t stand it. I will send our tangled memories
That has been tightening around the throat venomously, to the saddened sky

“I dreamt of you, Seungho hyung. We had a rough fight and I said many mean things to you. I don’t know if it’s real or not. I guess not. I must be going crazy. But it felt so real. That few moments with you. I feel better now, Seungpanda. If you heard whatever I said to you in my dream, I don’t mean it. I still miss and love you, a lot, a lot.” I kissed his photo again before leaving.

I was reluctant to go, but the rain got heavier.

I ran to my car, and just as I was about to go in, I saw a slip of paper stuck to the wiper of my car. Thinking it was some ticket that I got for illegal parking or what, I crushed it up and threw it onto the grass. I was about to get in when a roaring thunder startled me.

“Okay, okay! I’ll pay for it, damn it. Can’t you just let me go once?” I said to the skies as I picked up the crushed up paper.

I got into my car and opened it up. It wasn’t a ticket. I froze as I read the words.

‘Yes, you were dreaming, and man, you are still as violent as ever. Hee~ But baby Jun, just because those are happening in your head, why on earth should it mean that they are not real? Remember my words, okay? Live and not simply exist. Love yourself and love Hana. I am always watching you~ And darling, I was never gone. I just live in your heart now, where it is safe and warm.

Love you always and forever, Seungpanda (^_-)’

I stared blankly at the note while the raindrops hit my car violently. So it was real? Everything that happened between Seungho hyung and I just now, it was real?

The loud ringing of my phone startled me. Damn, how timid have I become. I looked at who the caller was, but it was an unknown number.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Is this Yong Junhyung sshi?” The lady over the line asked.

“Yes. Who am I speaking to?” I asked.

“I am Hana’s teacher in charge. You are Hana’s father, right?” She asked.

I was silent for a while. Am I her father?

“Yong Junhyung sshi?” She called out again.

“Yea, yea. What about her?” I asked.

“She passed out in class just now after vomiting many times. She has hives all over her body therefore the doctor is suspecting food allergy. We are in the hospital with her now. Could you please come as soon as possible? The doctor wants to talk to you.” She said.

“Hana.. Hana.. what?” I asked.

She repeated herself again, but I cut her off.

“Okay, okay! I got it, I got it! Text me the hospital, I’m on my way now.” I said, throwing my phone onto the passenger seat as I sped my way out.

Why do I feel so nervous? Like that day Seungho died in my arms, why is this darned feeling back again?