One week ago

Life without Seungho is hell. I cannot remember when was the last time I ate, because I don’t feel hungry at all. I cannot remember when was the last time I slept, because I just can’t. Every time I close my eyes, his face appears. Not the smiling one, but the injured one.

I cry in bed every night, and when I actually sleep, I wake up in a matter of minutes because of that same dream that never fails to torture me. I let Seungho die. He died in my arms. It is my fault. If only I reacted faster, the one dead may be me. If only I did not say such things to Hana, she would not have run out, and perhaps Seungho would still be alive.

I don’t know how one week went by. I can’t remember the details. I only know I have been to two places; home and studio. If I could, I would stay away from home, but the others force me home everyday, because of that stupid girl.

“Junhyung ah.” Doojoon called out as I got out of the van.

“Yea?” I answered tiredly.

“Look, I know it’s tough. But you cannot collapse. Hana needs you.” He said.

“Do not mention her name. Never.” I hissed, glaring at him.

“Jun, you know it’s not her fault. It was purely an accident.” He said.

“How is it not her fault huh? If not because of her stupid stubbornness, my Seungho would not die!” I yelled.

He looked at me, and then away.

“Fine, alright. Whatever. Just.. don’t kill yourself, and her. We cannot afford to lose anyone else.” He mumbled, closing the door of the van.

I punched in the codes for my home and pushed opened the door. The living room lights were off. I guess Hana was asleep already. She goes to school and comes home on her own daily. She keeps out of my way, which was smart of her.

I saw my room door slightly open. That is weird. I remember locking the room door before I left the house this morning.

I pushed open the door and turn on the lights. My anger rise when I saw Hana going through Seungho’s stuff. We stared at each other for a few moments, until the sound of glass shattering snapped us out of it.

I looked down and saw the trophy that Seungho gave me on the floor, shattered. It was MBLAQ’s first win on one of the music shows. He gave the trophy to me saying that it was important to him, therefore he wants me to have it.

“I TOLD YOU TO NEVER COME INTO THIS ROOM! AND YOU BROKE IN!?” I yelled, grabbing her by her arms, shaking her violently.

She burst into tears as she tried to struggle free.

“WHO GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO TOUCH HIS STUFF!? WHO GAVE YOU THE ING PERMISSION TO EVEN BE HERE!? LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!!” I forced her to look onto the ground by pushing her by her neck, which caused her to cry louder.

“I’M SORRY DADDY!!!” She cried.

“Do not call me Daddy! I am NOT your Daddy! That play show is over” I carried her roughly out of the room.

“From this moment onwards, I am not your Daddy! Don’t you dare address me with that! Call me Sir or whatever, I don’t care, just not Daddy! Because I don’t have a daughter! It will be better if you don’t even open your freaking mouth because I can’t stand your voice!!!” I shouted into her face.

“Appa….” She cried.

“Shut up.” I hissed.

“Appa.... Seungho appa…” She continued to cry.

“HOW DARE YOU STILL CALL HIS NAME WHEN IT WAS YOU WHO KILLED HIM!?” I yelled, grabbing her cheeks.

She looked at me, tears flowing down her cheeks, trembling badly.

“Sorry…” She cried.

“SORRY!? CAN SORRY BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE!?” I yelled, crying as well.

“Because of you, he is dead! If you weren’t stubborn, he would still be alive! If you did not come into our life, he would still be alive!!! WHY IS IT SEUNGHO WHO HAS TO DIE!? WHY IS IT NOT YOU!?” I yelled.

She looked at me, completely dazed at my statement.

“He was such an angel. He loves everything with his heart. He was passionate about everything he did. He is so kind to even people who hated him. He was never mean to anyone. He was well liked by everyone. But why did he have to die in such a horrible manner? Why did he have to die so young? Why did my Seungho have to go? Why?” I knelt down, crying into my palms.

“I… I am sorry.” Hana said softly.

“You’re sorry? Are you really sorry? If you’re, THEN ING GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!! DON’T TALK TO ME ANYMORE!!! DON’T EVEN SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME! BECAUSE WHENEVER I SEE YOU! I REMEMBER HOW HE DIED AND IT IS KILLING ME!!!!” I yelled into her face.

I tried to calm myself down. I glared hard at her.

“Just remember, you’re here because I respect Seungho and I am taking care of whatever he left behind. To me, you’re nothing but some puppy he left in my care. If you want to live here until you’re of age, you better keep out of my way, or else I would not hesitate to send you away. I have no feelings whatsoever for you at all. I had, maybe, but it is all gone now, the moment you took away my Seungho’s life. Everything is gone together with him, even that slightest humane in me.” I said before pushing pass her and retreating back into our room.

I stared at the shattered glass bits on the floor. I knelt down to pick them up, but ended up cutting myself. I watch my blood drip all over the floor, but I felt no pain at all.

“Seungho, I am so sorry. I couldn’t even protect whatever you left for me. I am so sorry for being so useless. I am so sorry.” I cried, clutching the glass bits in my hand.

I needed to feel the pain, I needed to see the blood, because that is the only indication that I am still alive.