WARNING: Contains story of Jonghyun.

I apologize if this offends anyone.

I just... I am a fan of Jonghyun and hearing this news, seeing those photos really break my heart. I know this fic won't do any justice of how his friends might be feeling right now, but I just want to put something out there.

For Kim Jong Hyun, our beloved Kim Jong Hyun, I wish that you are now happy. I wish you are now free from pain. You did well, you have worked hard, now rest comfortably without any pain.

You will never be forgotten 

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People say that there are 5 stages of grief. Now, however, Seohyun is not really sure how many times she has revisited the stages in waves after waves. It feels like she has gone through a million kind of emotions in such a short time. The first time she heard about the news, she was shocked. She was speechless, in disbelief and refusing to believe it was all true. She tried to reach the manager unnie who was really close to her during her time in SM and the response she got was "We are still looking over it. I will update you if anything". When she heard that, she drew a breath. At least they have not confirmed it, meaning there is still a chance of it being a sick joke. During that glimmer of hope, she prayed and prayed earnestly for him to be okay. "He can pull through this, he has to" she thought. She blinked back her tears, thinking that she did not have a reason to cry. Because it is not true. He is fine; will be fine. 

But then, here she is. The news she prayed so hard to not get eventually reached her. "He is gone" Seohyun feels sick as she remembers every little detail of how she got the news through the phone. She wanted to rush to the hospital then. But she was advised to give s and family some time so she relented. She sought solace in her members that night; but Taeyeon got up and went to his funeral hall first because she could not just stay at the dorm anymore. Seohyun's heart breaks again as she recalls how distraught Taeyeon looked as she left the dorm; leaving her parents and her members behind.

Utter silence envelopes her and Hyoyeon as they cruise along the road. In any minute now, they will arrive at the funeral hall. His funeral hall.

Hot tears spring into her eyes once more. God, she is so exhausted from crying all night but the tears just don't seem to stop. They can't stop.

Memories of him rush in her mind.

"I... Am not resigning with the company" Seohyun said that night. She found him in one of the music rooms and she stopped by to say hi to him. For all of his support, she thought she should deliver the news herself. Jonghyun's head snapped at her direction, but his lips were smiling. That bright smile. "Be happy, Seohyun. If you are, then do it. That's what matters most"

Seohyun closes her eyes. She thought it was just him giving her encouraging words. Why didn't she know it was some sort of a sign?

"Oppa! Good luck on your concert today! I am sorry for not being able to attend it but I am sure you will do great. You always do great. I will make sure to go to your next concert, okay? Fighting!" That was the last text she sent him. She scoffs as she revisits the words. Next concert; she promised to go to his concert. Now, there will be no next concert of his. He is gone. Seohyun bites her lips at the realization. Oh God, oh God, oh God, her heart wrenches again. She thinks back to his reply. "It's okay. Thank you for your support. You have worked hard too. Rest well, and have strength for tomorrow. I will see you soon". She sobs, tears keep streaming down her face. He told her she has worked hard, why didn't she say that enough to him?

"We are here" their manager Oppa solemnly announces. Hyoyeon sighs, takes a deep breath and wipes her tears, "Joohyun, let's go". Seohyun can only nod; she needs to gather herself to be able to do this in one piece.As they step down the car, they pass through so many people. The cameras flash endlessly on their faces but Seohyun keeps her head down. A single tear drops again which she quickly erases; because she needs to go through this unscattered, strong...brave. As they ascends the escalator, Seohyun keeps her sight on the groud, mindlessly following Hyoyeon's footsteps. And when Hyoyeon stops, she stops as well.

Ever so slowly, she raises her head. In front of her is the photo of smiling Jonghyun.

Oh, God! She closes her eyes again. When he said he would see her soon, she did not want it to ever be this way, to ever be this hard, to be this devastating.

She kneels in front of the photo; giving her respect. As her face touches the wooden floor, millions of thoughts come gushing in.

Why does it have to be this way, Oppa? She sobs silently.

Why did I not see it? Why didn't I realize that you were having a hard time? Why didn't I know you were hurting inside?

She stands up; facing the right side.

A low, soft gasp comes out as she takes the sight upon her. s look like life has been off of them. Her heart breaks a whole lot more. Her best friend, Minho, is trying the hardest he can to get it together. The leader, Onew, looks disheveled, helpless...lifeless. And Taemin, this poor young guy stand there with tears on his eyes but still trying hard to stand as straight as possible. Oh how she wants to give them the warmest hug.

But she kneels instead, as it is the right thing to do.

I am sorry, Oppa. I was not a good enough dongsaeng. I am sorry I did not recognize your plea of help. I am sorry I was not there enough for you. I am sorry... I am sorry for everything.

Seohyun stands again. This time, manager unnie helps her up and support her because she is so short of breath. Air escapes her as she walks away from s and family to go to the table.

She sits down with a weeping Yoona beside her. She sees how her Yuri Unnie wipes the tears while hugging Taeyeon beside her. Taeyeon, the strongest leader, is now bawling uncontrollably. The piercing pain comes back; she swears she just wants this to end. The misery, the sadness; all of these, she wants it to end. Will it ever, though?

Heaving a long, heavy sigh, she guides her eyes back to his photo. She observes his smile; the one she will not be able to see again, not in person.

Another fragments of memory dance in her mind. 

He was always so supportive of her. They were awkward at first; but slowly grew closer. He played with her, he , but he was always there for her. Whenever he's around, she's happy. She remembers how playful he was, how kind he was, how beautiful his voice was... Every little thing about him fills her head.

"You matter, Seohyun. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t worry too much" he said numerous of times. When she had a hard time, he said these words to her.

"You are great!" He said to her when she released her first album.

"You have worked hard, Seohyun!" He said when she finished her first concert.

He was there with her through the steps. He was there.

Now, he is not here anymore.

Regrets creep in.

Why didn’t I do more for you? Why do I have to let you go like this?

She suddenly feel a hand embraces her. It’s Hyoyeon, pulling her closer and envelopes her in a warm hug. She lets go, then. The cries she held back is now getting stronger, louder, and Hyoyeon wails with her. Yoona who was on her side joins in as she holds Seohyun tight.

After a while, Seohyun snaps out of it. Her eyes divert to the person who needs their support most. Taeyeon is sitting there, eyes are still filled with endless tears.

So she stands up, forcing Yoona and Hyoyeon along with her, then go to Taeyeon’s side. The youngest kneels down; bringing her hands around her leader’s body.

“It's okay. It's okay. We are here, we are always here” she says to Taeyeon’s ears as 5 of them mourn together in an embrace.

I will take care of Taeyeon Unnie, Oppa.
You have gained your wings now. You are free from any pain. Be happy up there. Look upon your members from the heaven and smile for us. You are okay, now.
Thank you for existing, for being a good friend, for your jokes, for your smile, for letting us hear your music, for sharing your incredible talent with us... for everything.We will never forget you.
You have worked hard. You really have worked hard.
Rest in love, Oppa.

Seohyun lets a tear escapes and the faintest smile play on her lips. She realizes that no matter how hard it is, Jonghyun is in a better place. He is no longer hurting.


And she is content with that. She need to be content with that.

He is happy, and that is what matters most. He has become the brightest star in the sky.