And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

Go Back to December- Taylor swift

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Seohyun takes small steps into the restaurant. She peeks inside, finding Hyoyeon there, busy playing with her cellphone. She guesses that her unnie must be talking to her boyfriend by now. She smiles a bit, relieved that at least, Hyoyeon will not be mad at her since the older seems to be much occupied in her conversation. Arranging her hair, she finally enters the restaurant. But being the clumsy Seo Joohyun, it is really not a surprise that she, for the countless times this week, bumps into someone. She sighs, really hate this habit of hers. As she looks up to apologize, a “sorry” hangs in the air as soon as she meets a pair of brown eyes. Those eyes that she remembers by heart. She gulps once, twice, thrice. The air suddenly depletes, suffocating her and she just wants to run away. Her heart is beating faster than ever, feeling like time stops for a while with just them looking at each other.

“Hello” he speaks first.

“Oh hello… Oppa” Oh how she misses calling him that. How she misses that voice of his.

“I should get going. Be careful next time” the coldness makes her shiver. She never heard him talking like that. Except for that night when she --

NO, NO, NO! She screams inside her head. Boldly, she reaches out her hand to hold his. “How are you?” this may sound very awkward, but it’s the most common thing to say. After all these times, she wants to know how he has been.

“Fine. I am fine” she can see him stiffens. His eyes moving uncomfortably, trying to scan the area.

“I heard about your successful concert. Congratulations”

“Ah yes, thank you. Congratulations on your success in America as well. You girls are still great even after all these years”

She gulps again. Years, she had spent years away from him. With nothing to hold onto. No calls, no texts, nothing other than the memories he successfully planted in her life.  Just brief meetings in music stations and other shows, but that’s it. “Thank you” she bows a little to him, feeling her eyes are stinging hot.

“I should really get going” she hears him say and god, how she wishes she can stop the time.

“Oh, of course. Take care, Oppa” he smiles simply at her and just like that, she watches him turn on his heels. His back facing her, and there he is. Gone from her sight.

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They sat together inside her room when they had a trip to Japan for another filming. She was offering tea for him because he said he couldn’t sleep. He looked to her with warm gaze, that gaze that melted her. His hands shyly touched hers, gripping it harder each second passed. He cleared his throat, keeping his eyes on the moon. She laughed a bit at this, but giving him the courage to continue what he wanted to say by patting his back with her free hand. He looked at her slowly, his eyes were doubtful and unsure, but changed as soon as he met hers.

“I like you” he confessed shyly. “And I don’t know where it’s gonna get us to. But I like you. And I want you to know that” he smiled at her.

“I like you too, Oppa” she blushed so hard that even though it was a little dark, Yonghwa could still the red color on her cheeks.

“I don’t want to rush things. But how about us, taking this slow, and see where this leads us to. Without any confusion”

“In other words….”

“We are dating. But taking things slow” he grinned at her and she chuckled.

“I like the sound of that” she nodded.

The grip on her hand tightened when he whispered. “I love the sound of that”

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She rushes to home after a speedy lunch date with Hyoyeon. She earlier said that she doesn’t feel well so Hyoyeon gave up and let her go home even before she finishes her food. She feels sick. Sick of memories that keep playing in her mind as soon as she saw him left her. She is sick of those conversation that bugging her ears like it is being said right there. She hates how he still has this effect on her. One glance, one conversation and she waver. Years gone by already, why does he still stay in the precious spot in her heart? How does he manage to mess up her feelings with one mere conversation, and that was not even a friendly one? Cursing inside, she hates this weak Seo Joohyun. The one that she has been effectively hid under the mask of happy and bubbly Seohyun. The one whose innocence is long forgotten, replaced by a mature lady which is smart, independent and perfectly okay without Jung Yonghwa. Tears after tears roll down her cheeks as memories rush inside. The warm feeling she once felt when Yonghwa was with her is now hurting her. More than anything in this world. The pain is once again unbearable. Her voice soon is strained, but the images won’t stop.

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It was on their wedding photo-shoot when she experienced the happiest moment of her life. She stepped out, still wearing the student uniform and Yonghwa still had his apple-hair style. She looked amusedly at him, chuckling at how it suited him very well. She joked that he could go to kindergarten and the children wouldn’t even notice their age difference. For Yonghwa was known as the ultimate choding of all time. His mental age was probably the same with those in elementary school, those in the first grade, no less. He pouted at this, but could not keep it long as he broke into a wide grin, following his wife who was laughing whole-heartedly. She had been enjoying the day, very, very much. The cold she felt in the studio was ignored because near him, she could only feel warmth. He leaned closer to her when she looked daze. He waved his hand in front of her face to wake her up, and to this, she giggled.

Yonghwa motioned her to follow him to somewhere more private. At first she was hesitant, but then realizing it was her Yong~ so she just said okay.

“Ah, it feels good here”

Seohyun nodded in agreement. After being surrounded by many people, cameras, PDs, photographers, and everyone else, it indeed felt good to have a little time for themselves. He took her hand to his, holding it so tightly while playing with her knuckles. She laughed when it began to feel ticklish, even slapping his arm slightly to make him stop. But he’s not Yonghwa if he’s not childish therefore he continued what he was doing. Until she glared at him seriously then he abruptly stopped. They fell silent for a moment, spent after the long day.

“Hyun” he broke the ice. “I want you to remember something”

“What’s that, Oppa?”

He looked at her with the warmest smile ever, sending shivers to her body. “That I love you so much. I am going crazy because of you”

“Eyyy, that’s so cheesy, Oppa”

“I am serious. I am deadly serious about this. I will do everything to make a way to your heart. Anything”

She smiled to him. “You already did”

“I guess. Looking at how you are in love with me”

She scoffed and pretended to be angry. “You are so full of yourself!”

Laugh after laugh could be heard from him. He never let go of her hands. “Seo Joohyun” he managed to say after his laughter died down. “Wait for me”

“Huh?”

“Wait for me. Years after this, I am going to marry you. I promise I will. You have my whole heart now, so be gentle with it. You can keep my words. Note this once again. I will marry you, someday”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. All that she knew was the amazing feeling she had inside. She felt happy, more than happy. Her eyes started to get teary after hearing his words. How could she say no to that? He’s right, she loved him. Maybe just as much as he loved her. So without words, she pulled him into a hug and she whispered. “I will be waiting for that day!”

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Before she knows it, her hands reach out to the box she hadn’t opened for years. Her hands tremble when opening the cover. The stuff she had avoided now lay in front of her. Photos, photo books, the ring, the necklace, every bit of memories she used to deny are now greeting her. They still look the same. She looks at the butterfly necklace that is now looking a little dull. The ring she used to treasure so much is covered with a little bit of dust. She sobs harder when she traces her finger to remember again the detail of that round thing. How it used to never left her sweet finger. How she was frantic once her unnies decided to play a little prank on her and hid the ring well. How she was crying so hard the moment she knew she couldn’t wear it publicly. How finally, she was the one deciding that the ring was no longer significant in her life, but still keep it well in a box. She remembers how she painstakingly makes sure that the ring will be similar to their 2000 won ring, only this time, it won’t rust. The ache suddenly is back. The heart-wrenching scream can be heard from her. Seo Joohyun is missing Jung Yonghwa. So much, so darn much that it hurts. The fact she has been trying to dismiss is now surfacing. No longer able to pretend that it doesn’t exist, she allows herself drowning more into their happy times.

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“Hyun~un” his voice filled his little apartment. The one he bought for their getaway after they ended their stunt in the variety show. Whenever they found time, the would always meet there. In wee hours , in between practices, within breaks or even taking up their day-offs for the sake of holding each other. They were tired as ever, but seeing their lover’s face can be the best cure of all.

“Yes, Oppa?”

“I want Ma-shake!” he demanded from the sofa, eyes boring into her face with a stupid grin plastered on his’.

“I am tired” she sighed, plumping herself beside him.

His hands reached out to encircle her waist. Slowly, he dragged her to sit on his lap. “Then rest here” he kissed the tip of her nose, sending her to blush though enjoying the little gesture. She s her arms around his neck, putting her forehead on his’ and stealing butterfly kisses from his lips. His smile got wider with every touch, obviously not hating her initiative.

“Can’t we just stay like this?”

The question kind of stunned him, it had lots of meanings inside. No matter how tired she was, she rarely whined. But now, her pale face made his heart jumped a lap. Exhaustion was clear. And he was afraid that it was rubbing off their relationship. “Should we? I am willing to do so”

“Ah cham!” she giggled, slapping his arm. “We will, Oppa. But now, we have so many things to do first” her small yet sincere smile affected him as his lips twitched to do the same.

“I promised I’ll say my vow to you. I don’t mind at all to do it now”

“Oh, Mister, I would loveeee to be your wife. But I am so sorry to disappoint you. If you want to tie me down then I am afraid you’ll have to wait for couple years”

“Then lady, if that’s the sacrifice I need to do to win your heart then I will do so. Or more. Anything you want, my love”

They broke into laughter at their own silliness. Whenever they spent time like this, they would always end up forgetting all of their problems. They washed away each other’s pain, giving energy to do their works while thinking that by the end of this, they would have each other in the end. That’s all that mattered.

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In a hurry, Seohyun packs up all of the things back to the huge box. She doesn’t want to be miserable anymore. She no longer wants to be that Seo Joohyun who thinks everything is alright even without him. She was an idiot for thinking like that. Because when he wasn’t in her life anymore, everything came tumbling down. Her world might seem better outside, but her heart turned icy cold. She changed into this even more secluded person than she ever was. And seeing him today makes her realize that she still feels the same way as before. She still loves him so much, too much maybe that she cannot accept any other men that come to her life no matter how good they are. Their encounter for the day snaps her out of her long dream. Her life is not complete without him. Her life will never be complete without Jung Yonghwa. Rushing, she grabs her car keys and drives off to his apartment. Maybe he still lives there, maybe he is still keeping that one piece of memory left of her. And she hopes, she isn’t too late.

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They were tired. Of work, of friends, of life, of them. They no longer had strength to joke with each other, talked everything out, shared things they used to share. They were grown out of each other. Or to be more exact, SHE had grown out of them. Even the term made her cringe. She no longer knew if they were still in a relationship or not as she found herself being sad more than she was being happy. With his rumors and stuffs. With his kissing scenes and other things. With her being associated with another guy but him. It was too much to handle. She no longer had rooms for such problems to fit into her life. So that day, when he called her to have dinner with him, she prepared herself to face the truth. They were too broken to fix, and it would be useless to keep this thing going on.

“Come in, Joohyun-ah” he opened the door after she knocked on it two times. The childish, toothy grin made her tremble. She knew he wouldn’t be happy once she delivered the news. But it’s a now or never thing.

“I prefer to stand here” she said, her voice was shaky. She wasn’t that sure anymore.

“Joohyun? Something wrong?” the alarmed tone that he let out showed how desperate he was. They weren’t in good terms lately, always bickering over trivial things. But he didn’t expect to see her that mad. Her eyes reflected great sadness. And pain. And a determination, of what he wasn’t sure.

“Yes. Us is what is wrong”

Yonghwa jerked a bit. The words came out harsh and firm. His question was answered. “There is nothing wrong with us. So let’s get inside and talk it all out” He was begging from his eyes.

But Seohyun wouldn’t budge from her place. Eyes stared at him blankly. Biting her lips so hard that it bled. “No, we cannot do this anymore. This hurts us more than anything. And this… prevents me from doing things I love. I no longer feel happiness from us”

“We can make things right again. I am sure of it”

“There is no use in trying to bring together the pieces that don’t match anymore. We lost it. We’ve tried, we failed. So let’s end this here before the pain gets more severe. Before we turned into strangers again. Let’s stop before things turned to be too bitter”

“No!” he yelled, raising the tone of his voice. “HELL NO!” the water pooled in his eyes. “Joohyun, we have worked so hard for this. And as I promise, I would do anything to make you happy, to make us work, to make you my wife. I love you, Joohyun. I might not be the best boyfriend for a while now, but I love you. I love you so much. Please, let me have one more chance, let’s give us one more chance. I will make things better. I promise”

Being the stubborn Seo Joohyun, his words didn’t really change her heart. She made a choice, so she would proceed with that. And another promise? There were too many promises violated. Too many dreams shattered to become merely dust in the air. She couldn’t take it, no more. It was final.

“Goodbye, Oppa. I am sorry” She turned away from him, leaving all the candles in his apartment gone to waste. The food he had painstakingly prepared was never touched. Yonghwa called her name, running to her but to no avail, she was gone. Down on his knees, he cried his heart out to realize that Seo Joohyun wasn’t coming back. For real.

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She frantically knocks on his door, her mind keeps praying that he is still the owner of the unit. She cannot imagine if it turns out otherwise. Because, after years apart, she doesn’t know where else to find him than here. Her feet cannot stop tapping on the floor, her hands curled up because she was too nervous and her jaw is clenched so hard. The noise from inside the apartment makes her freeze. He is home, she knows. The rattling sound and the glass clicking can be heard from inside.

“Jonghyun, is that you?” Oh, thank god! She silently says. That voice is so familiar in her ears, she knows to whom it belongs.

Not answering his question, she finally hears his steps towards the door. She inhales a deep breath when the it is slightly opened.

His jaw falls to the ground, his eyes glaring at the sight in front of him while the lady can only count the dots on the floor.

“What are you doing here?” his voice startles her. It sounds so mad, so cynical, so unwelcoming. Her heart drops in an instant at the fact that Jung Yonghwa is not happy to see her. Even so, he wants her to get out of his sight. That’s what his eyes tell her. That’s what his unfriendly face tells her.

“One chance” she says lowly. “I know, I may be too late, but I need one chance” by the way she sounds, he musts be thinking that she is such a selfish girl who left him alone that night without turning back and listened to his explanations. His gaze at her is sharp, but his breaths uneven.

“What the hell is this? Some kind of a game?”

She shakes her head. “No. I know I was wrong, but I am willing to do anything to make things right”

He scoffs at her. “Isn’t that what I said that night?” she notices the smell of alcohol coming from him. It musts be a mixture of soju and beer, she guesses.

“ I am so sorry Op—“

“Don’t call me OPPA! GET OUT OF HERE, I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU!”

She bits the inside of yet not moving even an inch. “Please, Yonghwa. Let’s talk it all out!”

“You know how alike we sound right now? I was begging for the same thing! I was asking you to give me a chance but what did you do?! YOU RAN OFF, YOU BI—“

Quickly, he restrained himself from saying the dirty word. Because, no matter how bad she was, she isn’t a . She is just Seo Joohyun, a lady who has the craziest idea in the world. Like now.

“What makes you think I won’t do the same thing? Get lost now!" He screams. "GET THE HELL--"

Her cries stop him from shouting and dragging her out forcefully. It makes him stop glaring at her, and he even softens his expression. She doesn’t make any sounds, but the stream down her face says it all. She is in great despair, just like he was when she walked away from him. But why does he still care? She was the one making his life turned dull. So, why does he want to run and hug her in his arms? 

“Am… I… Too… Late… Yonghwa?”

No, you are never too late. Because I have been longing for you to come back. I just don’t know how. I guess my pride won’t allow me to chase after you. Or I know inside that someday, we’ll be together in the end. He sighs.

Her voice becomes hoarse, and his heart melts. Still, he is weak when it comes to her. These years when she was gone, he never stopped loving her even for a second. His days were filled with him stalking her news, or with him composing sad love songs, or with him getting wasted in his apartment. He didn’t want to let go of it because it is the only place that he can call home, at least in Seoul. It’s a place where he can imagine the picture of Seohyun, standing in the kitchen and works his magic, or in the bed where she will sleep in his arms, or in the front yard where she will play with his dog. It’s a place that gives him hope, giving him some subconscious that Seohyun will be back and his dream will come true. There was no day gone by without a word Seohyun in it.

His eyes start to get teary as he looks down and sees Seohyun, hugging her knees like she tries to hold onto her life. So ever so gently, he pulls her up then hugs her so tight. Oh, how he misses her body which fits perfectly in his embrace.

“I will make things right” she whispers in between her weak loud sobs. Saying nothing, he only tightens his hug. His hand brushes her hair while one of them patting her back to soothe her. Jung Yonghwa might be a fool to take Seo Joohyun back just like that. He may be a complete idiot to act this way. But if that means he can have the love of his life back, he will do it. Because there is nothing better than to have Seohyun in his arms and start working on their delayed ‘forever’. He smiles, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair when a realization dawns to him. Seo Joohyun is his’ again, and he’ll never let go of her. For real.