for that someone who loves spring

at a young age, i was taught never in a million years—in my 17 years of existence—should i try to be romantically involved with anyone. these words keep on repeating inside my head as if a tiny me keeps on playing the same tape over and over. every morning as soon as i open my eyes, it's the first thought that comes to mind.

“love has consequences, and for us, it is to lose our sight.” my grandmother's voice echoed through my ears worse than an earworm, but it's for the best.

i was only a child when they told me how my own mother lost hers.

“your mother fell in love and then she couldn’t see us anymore. do you want that to happen to you, too?” my grandmother asked as my grandfather stared at me while he slowly shook his head no.

“but, how come you didn’t lose your sight?” my grandparents are in love, right? I mean, why would you stay with a person your whole life if you don’t like them? am i right?

“because, unlike you, i don’t have the flowers, saku. unfortunately, your mother got them from my grandma, and you got them, too.” right, aside from losing my eyesight…

…a flower will slowly bloom through my left eye until it covers the entirety of it, leaving me with an unidentified flower as a replacement.

i adjusted the eyepatch i’ve been wearing ever since the day my grandparents saw the ‘seed’. they told me that my eye used to be normal, but then, it turned brown and dry. it was a sign they never expected to see in me. they were hoping i wouldn’t inherit it but unfortunately, i did.

they’ve explained to the teachers that i have to keep the eyepatch on at all times. they probably told them that i don’t really have an eye and that underneath the eyepatch, is nothing but a dark hollow hole, and it will scare everyone. they probably invented a whole backstory about it as an excuse for the eyepatch, probably an accident.

since then, i’ve avoided people. i don’t have friends; not because i don’t want to, but because i can’t have any. i can only smile to myself while i eavesdrop on conversations—i know i shouldn’t—and watch my classmates play with their friends. i play on my own most of the time and imagine what it would be like to have someone i can talk to, share stories with, or just walk with.

i can't stop fantasizing about spending a day with someone, being comfortable enough to tell them why i have this stupid eyepatch over my eye, and laugh about it. i'm not looking for anything romantic, i just want a friend.

the only people i have are my grandparents, they keep me safe from falling in love. they keep me safe to the extent of not allowing me to read romance novels of any gender. even cartoons on the television that depicts friendship get switched over to the news channel as soon as i enter the living room.

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