We had to move.

​​​​                That’s what they told me.

                Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari and bakit kailangan namin umalis. They didn’t tell me the details and though they assured me it will only be temporary, I was still against it.

                I didn’t want to leave.

                I don’t want to leave my friends.

                I don’t want to leave my sister.

                I don’t want to...

                Ayoko.

                But I guess, they never really cared kung gusto ko ba or ayaw ko. My opinion didn’t matter to them.

                After we moved in, the first few weeks were difficult for me. Nagtatampo ako sa parents ko dahil bakit kailangan pa nila akong isama dito. I have no friends here, unlike them who had a few acquaintances or as they called it “kababata,” which is not surprising since they spent a part of their childhood here.

                Lagi nilang sinasabi that I should go out and meet new friends, the neighbours, and even invite my new classmates over sa house so they could meet them daw and that I wouldn’t be alone kapag nasa work sila.

                Sure, I had no trouble getting along with people. I’ve made new friends sa school and I’m also acquainted na rin with our neighbors. But that doesn’t change the fact na I still miss my friends. Though we communicate often through video calls, iba pa rin kapag kasama ko talaga sila. I miss being with them on weekdays after class. I miss playing with my sister on weekends.

                I told them that I could just live with Ate Irene and Tito Jorge for the meantime habang nandito sila sa Laguna pero hindi pumayag si Daddy.

                Lalo akong nagtampo. I cried kay Ate, telling her to fetch me pero kahit siya sinabihan lang ako na makinig at sundin na lang kung anong gusto ni Daddy. Even my friends were telling me the same thing.

                Fear of missing out.

                I think that’s what they call it.

                Masama ba ‘yun?

                Hindi naman di ba?

                It’s normal to feel that way lalo na kung nakasanayan ko nang kasama ko sila then suddenly hindi na. The things we used to do together, hindi na namin magawa.

                My bestfriend told me that I should chill out and enjoy the life at the province but I don’t think she knows what she was talking about. There’s nothing enjoyable here. Not for me, that is.

                Kahit naman gusto ko rin i-explore ang mga lugar dito, Dad doesn’t like me going out too often unlike when I was in Manila na kahit saan nakakapunta ako. I even had to skip a few trips with my classmates dahil hindi niya ako pinayagan. Delikado raw. Anong delikado sa pagsuswimming sa may falls? Alam naman niyang swimmer rin ako.

                It was during Year 10 when I finally got the hang of it — the life at the province. Well, it’s also because Dad started letting me go sa mga lakad. I got closer sa mga classmates and other schoolmates ko which helped me get through rin sa pagkamiss ko sa mga kaibigan ko.

                Giselle and Lia actually spent the summer with me here sa Laguna. Dahil hindi ako pinayagan ni Dad na magbakasyon kahit saglit sa Manila, sila na lang ang nagpunta sa akin.

                “How long do you plan to stay here? Wala pa bang sinasabi sina Tito why you had to leave Manila?” Lia took a bite sa cookies na binake namin. Nakaupo kami sa cushioned seats sa may veranda ng bahay, overlooking the rambutan farm. It’s not yet rambutan season kaya medyo dismayado rin silang dalawa. Gusto kasi nilang magrambutan picking.

                “Nope. The last time I asked, they told me that if things get better for us, then we can go back. I don’t really know what they meant or it’s just their way to say na magtatagal pa kami dito.”

                Giselle came out with a pitcher of orange juice. Binaba niya iyon sa table. “You can ask them again, Rina. Maybe they’re already thinking of going back.”

                “I doubt. Madalas nga silang mag-away lately. I think Mom wants to go back na rin dahil nga sa work niya but ayaw pa ni Dad. He said he’s only protecting us.”

                “Protecting?” they asked in unison.

                Kumuha ako sa cookies. “Yeah.”

                “Protecting from what?”

                “I don’t know.”

                “Parang okay naman kasi si Mommy. I think the problem is on Dad’s end,” I added.

                It bothered me. Hindi ko alam kung anong iisipin ko. Nagwoworry ako na baka may masamang nangyari. That maybe Dad got himself into trouble kaya need namin magpakalayo muna. But that’s just impossible since he’s still working. Malayo from the main office but everything seems fine naman.

​​                Pinipilit ko na lang huwag isipin. Sana nga okay lang ang lahat.

                They only stayed for a few days. Of course, may sari-sariling family vacation rin naman sila. I’m glad they made time to see me even if I can’t do the same sa kanila.

                I’ve been busy with school. I engaged in a lot of co-curricular activities to take my mind off things. Isa na dyan ay yung madalas na pag-aaway ng parents ko. I always shrugged it off tuwing makikita ko silang nagsasagutan before. Alam ko na rin kasi na maayos nila ang problema nila eventually. Pero nitong mga nakaraang buwan, simula ng pasukan, parang lalo lang lumala.

                Gusto kong kausapin si Mommy about sa problem nila but everytime I try, she dismisses the topic and would ask about me instead.

                I understand that they probably didn’t want me to get involve sa away nila but what they don’t see is that I am already involved. Anak nila ako. Apektado ako sa kung ano man ang nangyayari between them so I am involved.

                Bakit hindi na lang nila ako iniwan sa Maynila kung ganito lang din naman?

                Giselle seems busy these days kaya kay Ate Irene ako naglabas ng sama ng loob. Isinumbong ko sa kanya si Mommy.

                “Sige. I’ll talk to her pero wag ka umasang sasabihin ko rin sa’yo kung anong sinabi niya sa ‘kin,” she said after ko magsumbong sa kanya pero hindi niya yata naintindihan ang gusto kong mangyari.

                “Ate, hindi naman pwedeng laging wala akong alam.”

                She nodded sa cam.

                “Just focus on your studies. Kung ano man ang problema nila, I’m sure maayos rin nila ‘yon. And if something is really wrong, malalaman ko naman and I’d definitely let you know.        Don’t worry about it too much, okay? Kung wala silang sinasabi then maybe because it’s not that important.”

                “Ate, tayong dalawa ang magkakampi dito. Baka nakakalimutan mo...”

                Tumawa siya. “Anong magkakampi? Don’t me, Karina. Naghahanap ka lang ng lusot para makabalik dito eh.”

                “Gusto na kasi kitang makita,” I said in a small voice.

                It’s true though. Isang taon ko na rin siyang hindi nakikita in person and I miss her so much. Hindi naman niya ako madalaw dito kasi busy rin siya sa Masters niya.

                “Ako ba talaga?” she smirked. Halos irapan ko siya sa tanong niya.

                “Who else?”

                “Sasagutin ko ba ‘yang tanong mo o ano...”

                “I don’t know with you. Minsan lang tayo mag-usap tapos parang ayaw mo pa akong bumalik dyan.”

                “Ako ba ang babalikan mo?”

                “Ate naman!”

                Lalo siyang natawa. “Oh bakit? Nagtatanong lang naman ako. Baka may iba ka pang gustong balikan dito...”

                “Sina Giselle!”

                “Enumerate ‘sina’.”

                Hindi ko na siya sinagot at tinapos na ang call. Kung saan saan na napupunta ang usapan namin. Nagsumbong lang naman ako about Mom.

                “May gagawin ka ba sa Sabado?”

                Agad akong napatingin kay Ryujin habang naglalakad kami papunta sa library. Nauna na sina Winter doon dahil sinamahan pa ako ni Ryujin sa Faculty. Binigay ko lang naman yung list ng attendance kaninang umaga sa prof namin.

                “Wala naman,” sagot ko. “Bakit?”

                It’s been weeks since we started hanging out together. Not just us two but I mean our group. I also didn’t expect I’d found company in them. Hindi ko naman alam na magkakasama pala silang tatlo sa university. Then, dumating sina Ning and Yujin which eventually became part of our small circle of friends.

                Nagkibit-balikat siya at ngumiti. “Gusto ko kasing manuod ng movies. Invite sana kita.”

                Come to think of it, hindi pa talaga namin nakakasama yung dalawa lumabas. Ryujin and Chaeryeong had been to our unit before and did a little catching up.

                Winter actually said that there’s no catching up needed since it’s barely two months after our graduation. Nothing much changed and happened at that span of time, she reasoned out.

                Napangiti ako nang maalala kung gaano sila kagulo, specifically Ryujin and Winter. Chaeryeong was chill. I think sanay na siya sa dalawa while I was internally panicking dahil baka kung saan mapunta ang away nila. Chae assured me that it’s just their form of bonding kaya wala dapat akong ipag-alala.

                Di ko lubos maisip na Winter really has that side. I thought she’s been quiet and reserve kahit sa harap ng close friends niya but I guess she really has that different side of her she only shows her friends.

                “That would be fun. Have you told the others na rin?”

                Bumagal ang lakad niya. “Uhm, oo. Gusto rin nila.”

                She was reluctant nang sabihin niya ‘yon. For some reason, I knew na napilitan lang siya. And I was right. Hindi pa niya nasasabi kina Winter. If Ning didn’t ask, which I don’t know how she found out, hindi pa masasabi ni Ryujin.

                Ayoko man isipin na may iba siyang intention for that but I can’t help it. Wala lang naman sa ‘kin kung madalas niya akong lapitan at kausapin about random stuff. I don’t see anything wrong with it. We’re friends after all and it’s normal.

                But the problem is, they seem to think of it differently.

                Ayokong mag-assume pero iyon ang nararamdaman ko. Not just because of her actions towards me but also how the others react whenever Ryujin and I would be too close. Katulad kanina habang kumakain kami sa resto. I only told her to take it easy dahil baka machoke siya pero iba yata ang iniisip nila... ni Winter.

                I don’t know but it really bothered me.

                “May sakit ka ba?” bungad sa akin ni Giselle.

                It’s late at night and I decided to call her. Gusto ko lang ng kausap. Yung roommate ko kasi sa kabilang kwarto, ayaw akong pansinin. Nang makauwi kami galing mall, she went straight to her room at hindi na lumabas pa. Ryujin told me na matampuhin talaga si Winter. Halata naman. Buong araw niyang sinusumbat kay Ryujin yung movie ni The Rock.

                Umiling ako. “Kausapin mo ako.”

                I’m not someone who would demand a friend to talk to me but if I won’t do this, baka mabaliw ako.

                “What?” she laughed. “Wait, Rina, are you drunk?”

                “No...” tinanggal ko ang kumot na nakatakip sa kalahati ng mukha ko para makita niya ako ng maayos.

                Do I really look sick and drunk kapag ganun ang ayos ko?

                “Oh? Then why are you acting like that?”

                Di ko rin alam.

                “How’s Tita, by the way?” tanong ko na lang, nakahiga pa rin.

                She sighed. “Getting better. We’re hoping she recovers as soon as possible ‘cause Lolo’s threatening to fly here just to check on her. Isa pa ‘yon na matigas ang ulo. Bawal nga siya magtravel dahil rin sa sakit niya then gusto pa niyang magpunta dito.”

                “Well, I guess it runs the blood.”

                She rolled her eyes. “Please don’t get me started. Bakit ba lagi na lang akong nadadamay sa mga ganyan? Nananahimik na nga ako.”

                “And you’re not to speak. Mind you, mas matigas ulo mo sa ‘kin,” natatawa niyang sabi.

                Napairap na lang ako.

                “Anyway, you went out with your friends? How was it?”

                Nasabi ko pala sa kanya kahapon.

                I looked back and thought of something significant that happened today. Meron ba?

                “Ayos lang.”

                “Really?”

                Bumangon ako at inayos ang pagkakahawak sa cellphone.

                “You watched a movie, right? Did you enjoy it?”

                Winter’s face flashed in my mind, sulking as she finished the popcorn that’s supposedly for her and Ningning; her small pout everytime the others would and her major effort to look intimidating with her death glares but ends up looking like a cute angry pup.

                “Hmm. I did...”

                “Yeah?” she chuckled. “What’s with that smile?”

                Natigilan ako at agad na sumimangot. Di ko napansin na nakangiti pala ako kanina.

                Maluwang ang ngisi niya sa akin. At kahit hindi siya magtanong, I know she’s curious. I looked away and acted busy with the blanket.

                “Is there something you wanna share, beshie?”

                I suddenly want to end our call.

                “Wala,” sambit ko, hindi pa rin makatingin sa kanya.

                “I don’t believe you!”

                I was thinking of telling her earlier but now that she keeps on teasing me, nagbago ang isip ko.

                Di ko rin naman alam kung anong sasabihin sa kanya. Besides, it’s too early to conclude that Ryujin likes me. Since she hasn’t said anything, it’s safe to say that she also considers what I feel. I just have to let her know... maybe draw the line between us. I’m pretty sure she’d take the hint.

                Iyon lang naman...

                “I know you so well, Rina. You’re hiding something.”

                Hinarap ko siya. Seryoso na.

                “I’m not. You think I can keep a secret from you?”

                “That’s the point, beshie. Malalaman ko rin naman so what’s stopping you from telling me now?”

                “Just...” I smiled. “I’ll tell you next time. I promise.”

                She scoffed. “You’re so madamot!”

                “I know right?” I blurted which earned another round of laughter from her.

                I sat on the empty space malapit sa mga bags nang magtawag ng break ang director. I reached for my bag para sa towel ko dahil halos maligo na ako ng pawis. It doesn’t help that the studio doesn’t have much ventilation. Para akong mauubusan ng hininga anytime.

                “Karina,” lumapit si Ate Kathy sa akin at nag-abot ng cold water.

                “Thanks, Ate.”

                “Lunch later, ha. Bawal tumanggi. Libre daw ni Jia.”

                Tumango na lang ako. “Sure po.”

                Naubos ko kaagad ang tubig na bigay niya. Kulang pa nga. Good thing, I have my own tumbler.

                Foundation Week is fast approaching kaya ngarag ngayon sa practice. We’ve perfected most of the acts while some still need major polishing. Doon kami nagfofocus ngayon.

                Sa tingin ko naman, we will be able to pull this off, much better than we did last year. Kulang sa preparations ang naging play nung nakaraang taon na kahit kaming casts ay hindi naging satisfied sa performance namin. So this year, mas inagapan ang preparation and practices.

                Nilabas ko ang pringles na baon ko at agad na inalok ang mga kasama na hindi rin naman tumanggi. Binigay ko na sa kanila yung isang tube. May isa pa naman ako. Binuksan ko na rin iyon at pilit na nag-alok sa iba pa na hindi lumapit kina Ate Kathy na siyang may hawak ngayon nung binigay kong snack.

                My eyes caught a familiar girl which I recognize from different team activities since last year. Friend rin siya nila Ryujin and Chaeryeong, if I’m not mistaken. Lagi ko silang nakikita na magkasama.

                “Winter,” I called. I remember her name dahil lagi siyang tinatawag ng cheerdance choreographer namin nung intrams.

                She glanced up from her phone at nahanap ang mga mata ko. I smiled at her.

                “Pringles?” inabot ko ito sa kanya pero umiling lang siya at binalik na ulit ang pansin sa cellphone.

                Ayaw niya? Di ba mahilig siya sa mga chips? I thought I saw her eating one kahapon.

                And why is she alone? Nasaan sina Chaeryeong?

                She looked deeply immersed sa kung anong pinapanood niya. Ni hindi niya inaalis ang tingin doon kahit isang segundo lang.

                Aalukin ko ulit sana siya nang biglang magtawag na ulit si direk. Tapos na ang fifteen minute break. Tumayo na si Winter at gano’n rin ako. Sakto naman ang dating nila Ryujin at Chaeryeong bago magsimula ang practice.

                Malakas ang sigawan ng ilan sa amin nang maperfect ang Act 14. Walang pabaon na mura for lunch si direk sa amin nang palayasin na niya kami sa studio. Babalik pa naman kami after lunch for another round of rehearsal.

                Mabilis akong hinigit ni Ate Kathy sa grupo nila.  na rin nila sina Queenie at Ezra. Bumaba kami sa may gym at saglit pang hinintay yung ibang ininvite nila sa lunch, na classmate nila Jia.

                “Hoy, tatlong bibe, sa’n kayo?”

                Napatingin ako kay Jia at doon sa tinawag niyang tatlong bibe. Di ko na napigilan mapabungisngis nang makita ang itsura nung tatlo. It’s not because they look funny, they actually look cute wearing the same yellow tees na may design na Tweety Bird.

                “Kakain po Miss Pres. Kayo ba?” sagot ni Ryujin.

                “Sama na kayo sa ‘min sa Binalot. My treat.”

                Hindi na maalis yung ngiti ko habang pinapanood sila sa harap namin. Magkakasama kami sa isang long table for ten. Nasa kabilang table naman sina Jia at iba pa. Hinihintay na lang namin i-serve ang orders.

                “Hey guys, say tweety!”

                We all looked at Kuya Justin na nasa kabilang end ng table, holding up his phone for a groupie. Nagtawanan kami. He captured it at nagthumbs-up pa sa amin. Pagtingin ko sa katapat ko, Winter was looking the other way at nagtatakip ng mukha.

                Hindi siya sumama sa picture?

                Umayos lang siya nang kabigin ni Chaeryeong pero mukhang wala na siya sa mood. Actually, kanina pa nga siya iritado. Kulang na lang magsalubong ang kilay niya.

                “Kaninong idea na magsuot kayo nyan?” Queenie asked.

                Si Ryujin na ang sumagot habang natatawa. “Wala. Di naman namin alam na pare-pareho pala kami ng dalang pamalit. Nagkataon lang.”

                Nagpipigil ng tawa si Chaeryeong sa gitna ni Winter at Ryujin. Winter loo