Inggitera daw ako nung bata ako.

 

Nasanay siguro ako since mas pabor parents ko sa mini achievements ng ate ko. And when I was younger, I wasn't as good as her.

 

Dati naman, I never acted on these feelings ng inggit. I was silent as a kid, kaya no one would even notice what I was feeling.

 

Not until the very first time I did something out of pure envy.

 

My first and earliest memory of acting on these feelings was about sa isa kong kaklase back in 2nd Grade. Andami niyang accessories and school supplies na mamahalin. Alam ng buong batch namin na isa siya sa pinaka mayaman (at pinaka spoiled) sa buong Grade 2. 

 

Yung Crayola niya yung 64 pieces pa kahit na lagpas naman siya magcolor lagi sa mga activities namin. Tapos yung pencil case nya, may second floor. Yung trolley bag niya Barbie yung design, tapos walo pa yung gulong sa ilalim.

 

Sa lahat ng kinainggitan ng ibang mga kaklase namin, mas nafocus ang atensyon at inggit ko doon sa suot niyang bracelet.

 

Burmese jade yung beads nya; medyo mamahalin yun sa pagkakatanda ko. Pero normal na stretchy string lang yung nagcoconnect nun into a bracelet. 

 

That time, natuwa lang ako kasi katabi ko siya, at di ko mapigilan tumingin sa braso niya.

 

I remember thinking, "Wow, ang smooth tignan nung beads," or "Ang ganda pala ng color na green." It looked really sophisticated, parang gusto kong…

 

Hablutin…

 

And the story doesn't end really well. Kasi hinablot ko talaga yun, and she tried to pull her arm back, pero dahil cheap, stretchy string lang ginamit sa bracelet then of course, napigtas siya.

 

I vividly remember the sound ng pagbagsak ng beads sa sahig ng classroom namin. Nag bounce off yung iba, once mareach nila yung tiles. It's like bumping glasses when you make a toast, pero andaming nagclink.

 

Naaalala ko rin na umiyak yung kaklase ko. Favorite bracelet niya daw yun, among her other bracelets na binili sa kanya ng parents niya.

 

So I apologized to her sincerely. Bata palang naman kami noon, and it seemed like it wasn't really a big deal. Sinabi rin ng kaklase ko na sumabit lang daw bracelet niya sa pencil ko, dahil pareho kaming takot mapatawag parents namin sa office.

 

Sabi niya, pwede niya ipalagay nalang yung beads on a silver, thin chain para hindi na madaling mapipigtas. So tinulungan ko nalang siyang pulutin yung beads, since it was the least I could do.

 

She thanked me pagkatapos. Sabi pa niya na kahit nangyari yun, isa ako sa mga pinaka mababait na classmates na meron siya.

 

Ang hindi niya alam, nagtago ako ng isa sa mga beads sa bulsa ko.

 

Every now and then, tuwing nakikita ko yung Burmese jade bead na yun sa jewelry box kung saan ko siya tinago, I'm reminded of how extreme I could get para lang makuha rin ang mga bagay na sanhi ng inggit ko mula sa iba.

 

That, and how I have great taste.

 

 

---

 

Group 5 Broadcast Quest

 

Yerim: hi guysssssss

so how was prelims for u all? <333

 

Hyejoo: literal po na kakapasa ko lang ng last exam ko for prelims when you sent that

 

Yerim: GOOD!!!

nahirapan ka baaaa

 

Hyejoo: ummm

sakto lang po?

 

Yerim: wonderful!!

yung iba dyarn

jimin, nakita ko nagseen ka dito

musta prelims

 

Jimin: I could honestly use some time to sleep.

Super dami demands ng isa namin na prof.

I wanna sue him. Kahit kapag Sunday nagsesend out siya ng email.

Man has no perception of time and common work ethics.

 

Yerim: AH

SI BELMONTE BA YAN

jusko prof din namin siya for an elective

nireport na namin sya dati sa grievance committee

pero wALA

di sya machugi dahil tenured sya

 

Jimin: Machugi?

 

Yerim: matanggal!!!

my god

nde ba kau updated sa slangz 

jusmiyo

 

Jungeun: things u pick up talaga lalo pag chismosa

 

Yerim: excuse me????

ikaw nga number one source ko ng chismis

hmp

 

Jungeun: :pp

 

Yerim: ikaw

kamusta nmn exam mo ms irreg

 

Jungeun: natapos na rin ako

hirap lang for some parts

may questions na never diniscuss nung prof

hay

kaya ko to dinrop dati e

 

Yerim: idadrop mo ulit? :pp

 

Jungeun: pls lang wag nyo ko demonyohin

 

Hyejoo: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Jimin: Lol.

 

Yerim: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HINA NETO kahit damayan pa kita e :pp

 

Jungeun: sira ka ba HAHA

 

Yerim: :pp

anyway

ikaw minjeong musta prelims

 

ako po yata yung nachugi

 

Jimin: Chugi means tanggal?

San ka natanggal?

 

chugi also means dead!

the more u know

HAHAHA

 

Yerim: hirap prelims sa comm?

 

di po

wala nmn mahirap sa comm na subject

KEME

di ako nahirapan pero po andami pinagawa (/3

 

Yerim: yabang

neway 

@Yoo Jimin anyway ano planz natin lider!!

 

Jimin: I was thinking we should come up with a concept paper muna, for the mock Company Profile ng gagawin natin.

After natin mag decide what our target market is, tsaka na tayo mag-iisip ng segments and the like.

Then hatian nalang tayo sa specific tasks like segment descriptions, etc.

 

Jungeun: okay luvit

 

Yerim: when us magstart sa concept paper

 

Jimin: I actually made a Google Docs file for it na, andun na rin yung outline ng mga needed. Basically all we have to do is fill it up.

 

Hyejoo: tama talaga na we got jimin as our leader HAHA

 

TRULY XD

 

Hyejoo: may sinasabi ka ba minjeong

 

UY WALA

nag agree lang ako

 

Hyejoo: so di mo ko miss as a leader

 

HOYYY GRABE TO

wala ako sinabing ganyan ah

 

Hyejoo: HAHAHA

 

Jimin: Lol.

 

---

 

My afternoon pretty much went like usual. After ko matapos sa isa kong klase, I made grilled cheese sa baba. 

 

Yung mom ko, gumagawa ng workload niya habang nakabukas yung TV. She says na the noise coming from it reminds her of working sa office niya, which was always a bit noisy and busy.

 

Si ate naman, nakakulong sa kwarto niya. Busy yun mag aral, usually gumagawa ng plates since she studies Advertising. Pero every now and then, bumababa siya para kumain habang nanonood ng TV (kung saan man inilipat ni mommy yung channel bago siya magwork). 

 

"Musta naman school, Minjeong?" Tinanong niya ko today, as usual. Kumakain siya ng 24 Chicken solo meal na binili niya from her income as a freelance artist.

 

"Okay lang…" Sa totoo lang, naiinggit ako sa kinakain nya. Her usual Jack Daniels flavored boneless chicken order sa 24 Chicken. I wish I could get money din habang nasa online set up. "Ikaw? Busy with school?"

 

"Okay lang din." Sabi niya. Sanay na ko sa small talk namin sa bahay. Bukod sa pareho kaming naturally reserved and introverted, I'm sure din na wala kaming masyadong mapag usapan that would interest the both of us. 

 

Nanonood siya right now ng Modern Family. Binuksan siguro ngayon ni mommy yung Netflix sa TV, para maiba naman yung language na naririnig niya while working. Ito yung episode na ikakasal na si Mitch at si Cam (finally) after two failed wedding events. 

 

Pati ba naman sa palabas, maiinggit ako. Gusto ko lang rin namang mafeel yung sense of security na someday, I'll go through that din… Na I'll have such an amazing wedding with someone I love. To someone na matatanggap ng mom, ate, and relatives ko.

 

"Jeong, umiiyak ka ba?" Tanong ni ate. Hindi ko napansin na sumisinghot na pala ako ng uhog na gustong lumabas ng ilong ako. Hindi ko rin namalayan na naging teary eyed ako.

 

Pasensya na, deserve kasi talaga ni Mitch and Cam na ikasal. Nakaka touch siya for me, a closeted gay girl.

 

"Tangek hindi." Sabi ko, pinupunasan yung luha ko. "Napuwing lang, tsaka may sipon kasi ako."

 

"May sakit ka, Jeong?" Tanong ni mommy.

 

Si ate talaga mas favorite at mas mahal ni mommy. Siya yung laging inaalagaan. Kapag may sakit si ate, kumpleto binibigay sakanya na gamot; may supplementary vitamins pa. Pero pag ako nagkasakit, tinatamad bigla si mommy bumili ng kailangan ko. 

 

Sasabihin niya na either itulog ko nalang, maghanap ako sa drawers kung meron pang natira (which also means na matagal na siyang nasa drawer), or the most offensive one,

 

"Magpabili ka nalang sa ate mo ng gamot."

 

It's valid, kasi busy lagi si mommy. She doesn't have the time to take off her eyes sa screen, at pumunta sa pharmacy para lang bumili ng gamot.

 

But if it's Taeyeon na may sakit, kikilos siya mismo. Dahil siya ang favorite.

 

Kasi si ate mas successful. Siya rin yung may source of income na, kahit hindi stable. Siya yung secure na yung future, siya yung may promising career, siya yung may talent, siya yung may direksyon sa buhay.

 

One time, naisip ko naman na ako nalang lumabas at bumili ng gamot para kay ate. Pero sabi ni mommy na wag na daw. Na baka mawala ako. Na baka pag bumili ako, umuwi ako nang kulang yung sukli.

 

Naiinggit ako, kasi may tiwala si mommy kay ate na hindi ko makuha. Not even half of the amount ng paniniwala, hindi ko makuha.

 

"Taeyeon, bilhan mo ng Neozep si Minjeong." Sabi ni mommy. "Ikaw, Minjeong, magpagaling ka para mawala rin yan agad."

 

Hindi ko na lang sinabi na wala naman talaga akong sakit. 

 

Ganti na rin siguro ito kay ate. 

 

Paglakarin kita para sa wala.

 

---

 

Yoo Jimin

 

Minjeong.

Busy ka ba?

In general?

 

 

I'm never busy for Jimin, alam naman natin ito. If she asked me for my time and attention, I would willingly give it to her.

 

Pero right now, kailangan ko pa gumawa ng reaction paper for a subject na andaming pahabol na prelims requirement.

 

Kelan kaya babalik sa dati yung set-up? If only I could do my tasks nang kasama si Jimin, maybe we'd both be fine just with the company, kahit pareho kami may ginagawa.

 

I could talk to her pa, kahit hindi na ako lumipat ng screen na tinitignan.

 

Anyway, kailangan ko siya sagutin nang diretso. I should be honest para rin sa ikabubuti ko.

 

 

Yoo Jimin

 

hindi naman ako busy hehe

bakit?

 

Haha okay.

Okay lang ba sayo if I make you the assistant leader?

Baka kasi may times na hindi ako makakarespond sa emails ng organizer.

Especially if I have events I have to attend.

Kaya, given that scenario, I'll tell them to CC you in every email. Would that be alright?

 

 

Ito ang pinaka mahabang sinabi sakin ni Jimin in one go… and it's about becoming her assistant leader.

 

Okay lang naman sakin. Assistant lang naman eh, hindi naman ako yung magiging leader na kailangan hanapin at panagutan lahat ng mangyayari for the members.

 

Maybe this is also why I chose to be trained maging Vice President. Ayoko maging face of the Central Student Council. Who I am will define the batch I'll be leading kung ako maging President…

 

And same goes for my team sa Broadcast Quest. Ayokong madefine ang buong grupo dahil lang sa kung ano ako.

 

Pero payag ako magpalead sayo, my Jimin bebelabidabs!

 

 

Yoo Jimin

 

sige, g with it!

 

Okay, I'm glad pumayag ka.

I'd really appreciate na may kahati ako sa pressure na to.

I just feel like I have a lot going on in my life, and I haven't told you everything yet.

 

awww jimin

wanna kwento?

ill listen

 

Well…

Hay.

Naiinis talaga ako recently…

It's like my whole life has been decided for me even before I got born.

And even for the things I have full control of… There's always something or someone na humahadlang.

It's like the world doesn't want me to be happy, or to be myself.

 

ano nangyariii?

 

I don't wanna talk about the details.

I just wanna let it out, that I'm so frustrated.

Standards, plans, everything.

 

:((

if anything, pls know u always got me:(

di ka nag iisa okaaay?:(

 

Hay.

Tingin mo ba… 

Should I still go for the things I love? Or… Should I let them go because other people want different thi