When Mina woke up one day with a pair of arms wrapped around her body and an angelic face welcomed her once she opened her eyes, she can’t feel anything. Not because her body became numb from their sleeping position, but because she just can’t.

She doesn’t exactly know what happened that she feels like she’s burnt out when it’s just 6 in the morning and it’s a Saturday. She’s sure that she acquired 8 hours of sleep, which can be included a healthy one, she also had a glass of water before sleeping, as well as listening to some classical music to help her brain relax before falling into slumber, but why can’t she feel anything? Why can’t she feel that there’s something that died in her whole system, even if she’s there, definitely alive?

She looked at the person beside her, sleeping so peacefully, looking like a baby who wants to keep on sleeping until the sun rises and will poke her eyes through their bedroom window that will eventually wake her up. If it’s a usual day, she will keep on adoring the person’s face, will find serenity just by staring at the person, and will eventually wake her up by kissing the tip of that person’s nose and will gently greet her a good morning.

But why can’t she seem to do any of it at that very moment? Why is there something that’s stopping her to be affectionate toward the sweet girl beside her? She closed her eyes, tried to sigh that accidentally woke the girl up.

“Hey…”

“You’re awake”

“Yeah. Good morning, love”

The girl kissed her cheek and buried her face in her chest afterwards, liking the sound of Mina’s heartbeat that she always declares that calms her down and helps her to have a wonderful day ahead (or it’s just her saying that’s she’s grateful for another day because they’re still alive and still together).

On a casual day, it will make Mina giddy, no matter how many times she already heard that and no matter how many kisses she already received every morning when the both of them are already awake, however, that very moment, Mina still didn’t feel anything and she doesn’t know if she will already be bothered by it or just let it pass because she might just be exhausted from the whole week of just working at the office.

And it’s not just about what happened in that morning, but a lot more has happened after that, that Mina is certain she’s feeling something weird and she’s already close to liking it—of not getting fond of having some affection from the girl and being comfortable with her presence, as well as being the only person she will choose to hold hands with, when the world ends.

She just suddenly stopped looking at her as if she’s her most prized possession. She suddenly stopped thinking about her as if she’s her shining light, one of the reasons to keep going, and as the only one she promised to stay until her last breath.

She was bothered and disturbed with those feelings and emotions. But, it’s becoming comfortable for her in the days passing by and that’s why Chaeyoung, the ever sweet girl that always wants to be with Mina, noticed how the girl keeps on distancing herself, particularly to her.

She doesn’t even know how is that happening when they didn’t fight about anything, nor did some things that she knows will make the girl get mad or angry at her. So, why is she suddenly building walls around her when they’re already in a relationship for 3 years?

Chaeyoung tries to understand, in most times, she always understands how the girl suddenly don’t want to open up to her and she respects her as an individual, after all, she’s her own person and she doesn’t own her.

And so, in those days when Mina doesn’t even bother to look at her, to be her usual self of kissing her and liking to cuddle with her and saying how she’s so damn in love with her, Chaeyoung convinces herself that she's just overthinking about that thing, about the possibility of them slowly drifting away from each other, considering the way Mina acts in their relationship ever since what happened in that one morning.

Chaeyoung is also sure that Mina will right away say that she wants to break up instead of prolonging it. (Mentioning the word breakup brings itch in her tongue and a glitch in her mind, but even if she doesn’t really want to think about it, it still has a possibility, that maybe, hoping it’s just a ‘maybe’, they will eventually go into that phase).

“I’m not feeling anything at all”

Mina said while staring at the mirror as the girl at the back of her is busy arranging her clothes and combing her hair afterwards.

They’re going on a dinner date and if Mina is to be asked what she is feeling that night, she just can’t feel anything at all, unlike in the previous months where even after being girlfriends for years, she still feels sparks whenever Chaeyoung asks her on a date.

That night, though, she doesn’t feel the sparks, the excitement in her whole being.

And it’s not because it’s not their usual fancy restaurant nor a surprise with flowers and chocolates or picking up from her, it’s also not because they didn’t go on a movie date or a picnic date instead. But Mina suddenly just stopped having those sparks whenever their body touches, whenever Chaeyoung declares her love for her, whenever they make an eye contact, but she can’t seem to see her pure reflection in Chaeyoung’s eyes anymore.

That night after their dinner date when Mina is already falling into a deep slumber, Chaeyoung tried so hard to convince herself not to cry, and instead, confronted herself of what really is happening between the two of them.

It hasn’t changed since day one, the fact that she doesn't want to let go of Mina and she doesn’t want to lose her is still there, living in her mind rent free. Because she's way too good at goodbyes, and there’s literally no ‘good’ at goodbyes.

And the time when Mina finally gained courage, she held both Chaeyoung’s hand and looked straight in her eyes that shows sadness and loneliness, instead of happiness and contentment. She doesn’t have any choice, no matter how it will both break them.

“Chaeyoung, I have something to say. Please hear me out.”

It’s the same eyes Chaeyoung doesn’t want to look anymore because it is evident that it’s not the same eyes that looks at her as if they’re still in love with each other, but she’s still convincing herself that it’s the other way around. She keeps on hoping that it is not what she think it is.

“Chaeyoung, I don’t feel the same anymore.”

It was lifeless. The tone, the eyes, even the warmth in her hands already left. And even if she’s normally breathing, it seems like the one that keeps the both of them alive, their relationship alive has already left them. The fire, the sparks already left them.

“It’s not anyone’s fault. There’s no third party. Don’t blame yourself as you didn’t do anything wrong. I just… can’t feel the sparks anymore and I don’t want to hurt you any longer. So, this is me saying that… goodbye, Chaeyoung. Thank you for everything.”

The world stopped for a moment, Chaeyoung can’t even hear anything around her after Mina let go of those words as she let go of her hands, even started to walk away with her belongings from their shared apartment.

She stopped breathing and can’t even say some words. It was after 10 minutes when she was pulled back to reality and saw that she’s the only one left in that empty place. She didn’t even get to say goodbye to her past lover, but there’s a relief in her system because it was eventually the end for the both of them.

Even if Chaeyoung woke up the next day where she doesn’t feel any warmth anymore, she’s at ease, but she knows she will break down anytime soon because in this universe, she didn’t end up with Mina.