now playing: kiss - car, the garden

"i’ve been waiting for a special time"

 

 

“unnie, have you kissed anyone before?”

 

joohyun thinks it all started that one night when seulgi asked that question. she still remembered clearly that it was a friday, they had their monthly evaluations that afternoon, she received no significant feedback which was both a good and bad sign, and her favourite friend and fellow trainee snuck into her dorm room to stay the night with her.

 

they barely fit on the small bunk bed but seulgi refused to sleep on the top bunk despite it being vacant after joohyun’s roommate left the company last week. so joohyun remembered sighing with a small smile and allowing the 17 year old to shuffle closer from the edge of the bed, even if it meant their fronts were almost touching. she liked to pretend to be annoyed, but both of them knew she was more than happy to let seulgi sleep in her bed.

 

she liked being with seulgi, liked talking to her until one of them fell asleep (usually seulgi first), and she liked the warmth that seulgi gave. they hadn't been friends for very long but to joohyun, seulgi already felt like the closest thing she had to home in seoul.

 

at first, they only talked about random things and silly things. anything that came to mind, they would comfortably blurt out to the other person. they talked in hushed voices as if the roommate was still there to be disturbed by their whispers and they giggled with hands over their mouths so that the rooms next door wouldn't hear them.

 

joohyun thought their conversation was coming to an end and she felt her eyelids growing heavy as the tiring day took its toll on her. she was sure seulgi felt just as ready to sleep, but then seulgi asked her that question.

 

her voice came out just above a whisper, and joohyun looked at the younger girl who was currently lying on her side facing her with wide and innocent eyes.

 

“i have.” joohyun answered, voice just as soft. she saw seulgi’s eyes widen a little before a smile spread across her face.

 

“was it nice?” she asked, looking at her with child-like curiosity.

 

joohyun’s brows creased as she thought back to her vague high school memories. “not really.” she replied and seulgi made a look of disbelief. “boys are kind of gross.” she added and seulgi made an ‘o’ shape with , nodding.

 

“then, have you kissed a girl before?” she asked, almost shyly.

 

joohyun felt her cheeks tinge pink and she admired seulgi for asking such a question so easily, like it was no big deal - and it wasn't - joohyun had always believed there was nothing wrong with liking someone of the same , it was just unfortunate that the world didn’t think the same.

 

“no, i haven't.” joohyun replied quietly.

 

“do you think it would be nicer?” seulgi continued with her innocent questions, looking at joohyun like she held all the answers in the world.

 

“probably.” she said, the corner of her lips turning up. “girls are…softer and more gentle.” she said, unknowingly looking at seulgi’s lips as she spoke.

 

“would you kiss a girl?” seulgi asked, making joohyun’s eyes meet hers again and joohyun felt her heart pick up speed. she knew seulgi wasn't asking with malicious intentions to expose her, but it still automatically brought her defenses up.

 

she looked into seulgi’s pretty, innocent eyes and calmed down when she knew this was the person she could trust no matter what. seulgi was the kindest and purest girl she had ever met; she would never do anything to hurt her.

 

“mm.” she replied with a slight nod and she almost missed the way seulgi’s eyes twinkled as she smiled and her eyes formed crescents.

 

“why are you asking me questions like this anyway?” she asked with a slight frown when she realised the possible implication. “have you had your first kiss? you didn't tell me-”

 

“i haven't!” seulgi interrupted her politely, the smile never leaving her face. “i’ve never.” she said and joohyun’s protectiveness over her dissipated upon hearing that.

 

“okay.” she said, muscles relaxing from their tensed state.

 

“but i wish i did. i want to know what it feels like too.” seulgi admitted, looking down shyly and joohyun found it adorable how pure the 17 year old was. seulgi was a romanticist; joohyun had learned that early on from how often she gushed about her favourite romantic movies and how often she daydreamed and talked about the romantic scenarios she created in her head.

 

joohyun bit her lip, “you will know one day.” she said in a whisper.

 

“but we aren’t allowed to date anyone.” seulgi whispered back.

 

joohyun had to hold herself back from pointing out that you don’t always have to be dating the person that you kiss, because seulgi was a true romantic and was definitely the type to save her firsts for someone she loved.

 

“one day you will be allowed.” joohyun chose to say instead.

 

“yeah.” seulgi said, a satisfied smile crossing her face as she snuggled into the pillow comfortably. “one day.” she repeated, as if already dreaming of that day arriving.

 

joohyun hoped seulgi’s first kiss would be as good and as romantic as her daydreams.

 

“one day you will have a good kiss too.” seulgi murmured with her eyes closed.

 

“hm?” joohyun stared at her, taking in the softness of her features when she was peacefully resting in bed.

 

“a kiss that is like the ones in the movies. one that is breathtaking and incredible.”

 

and joohyun remembered making a lame joke about a pixar movie in response to that because she had gotten nervous. because she didn’t want seulgi to know that she had started thinking about what it might feel like to kiss her one day.

 

~

 

the first time they kissed was on their favourite rooftop overlooking the han river, a place that was quiet and perfect for escaping from their tiring and stressful days. they also found it to be a good location for crying since no one could see them on the rooftop and it was a place only the two of them knew.

 

seulgi had been crying alone before joohyun arrived and words weren’t needed for joohyun to know that seulgi was devastated over one of her close trainee-friends leaving the company. she sat beside seulgi quietly, only reaching over to put an arm around the younger girl’s shoulders and seulgi leaned into her, small sobs and sniffles sounding in the silent air of the summer evening.

 

joohyun’s heart pained hearing how hopeless and unnaturally pessimistic seulgi sounded as she voiced her concerns to her. she knew that no amount of complimenting or praising from her could alleviate seulgi’s fear of never making it to the debut line-up. the recent departures of their fellow trainees were only making seulgi’s fear become more real and she had been constantly asking herself and joohyun whether she had made a mistake.

 

of course, joohyun said no. seulgi was by far the most talented girl she had ever met and if anyone was to make it, it had to be seulgi. joohyun reassured her that she was still young and debuting a year or two later was still very likely.

 

“i want to debut with you, unnie.”

 

joohyun felt the painful clench in her heart at those words. it was something she always thought about but tried not to think too much about. while seulgi was just 18, she was already 21 and past the usual age for debuting idols. it was upsetting enough to think about not debuting after all her hard work, but thinking about not being able to spend all her days with seulgi again was on another level of heartbreaking.

 

“i want to debut with you too, seulgi.” she said earnestly. she meant it with her whole heart. “but whatever happens, happens.” she added, since she couldn’t make any promises.

 

“i just... don't want to be without you.” seulgi whispered and joohyun bit back tears at the thought of them being separated. she held seulgi tighter and felt seulgi’s thin arms wrap around her waist, the two of them holding each other as they watched the cars driving along the river. someone like seulgi was someone joohyun never wanted to let go of. she couldn't imagine life without the younger girl and she desperately hoped that seulgi would be by her side forever.

 

“then let's work hard and make sure we both make it.” joohyun said, trying to stay positive for her and trying not to make things worse by being realistic about her chances. it was killing her on the inside but she forced a smile to reassure seulgi.

 

“yeah. we will definitely make it.” seulgi replied. she turned her head to look up at joohyun, pausing to admire her beautiful side profile that was the subject of many trainees’ conversations.

 

joohyun was always the stronger and calmer one, maybe it was because she was older, but she tended to appear less affected by their troubles. which was why seulgi was so shocked when she saw the first few tears escape joohyun’s eyes and within seconds, joohyun had suddenly broken down into tears and choked breaths.

 

“breathe, unnie, please!” seulgi’s voice sounded muffled despite being right next to her and joohyun couldn’t stop the overwhelming feelings that sent her into a panic. she was suddenly so scared that she had ruined her own life with one bad choice and now it would be too late for her to do anything else with her life and she had disappointed everyone around her and-

 

“unnie.” seulgi’s voice was clear and unwavering, much like her steadfast presence in joohyun’s life. she was like joohyun’s anchor in the turbulent waters, she was her constant in the quickly changing world around them, and at the sound of her voice calling her, the loud and terrible thoughts in joohyun’s head grew quieter.

 

warm hands cupped her face and joohyun’s panicked eyes settled on seulgi’s face, managing to focus on her eyes and she had barely processed the fact seulgi’s face was getting closer until she felt the soft press of her lips on her own.

 

joohyun froze, hands hovering but no longer touching seulgi’s shoulders and seulgi’s kiss lingered a second longer before she pulled back, eyes worriedly searching joohyun’s face for a response.

 

“i had to distract you.” she spoke in a soft voice so that she wouldn’t startle her.

 

joohyun blinked once, twice, looking at her in shock but at the same time, the storm inside her head had miraculously stopped.

 

“it usually works in the movies.” seulgi explained in haste, a blush forming on her cheeks now that her actions fully settled in and the awkwardness filled the space between them.

 

joohyun swallowed, feeling ashamed all of a sudden. “was that your first kiss?” she whispered.

 

“yes.” seulgi replied with a sheepish bite of her lower lip, but she didn’t seem upset at all.

 

“b-but…” joohyun failed to find the right words. all she knew was that seulgi deserved a better first kiss; perhaps with someone she had feelings for and had gone on a few dates with and had intentions of actually dating.

 

“it’s okay.” seulgi reassured, eyes disappearing in her signature smile and it was like she had read joohyun’s mind, knowing exactly what her concerns were and why she looked so distraught and guilty.

 

“i wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

~

 

the second time they kissed was a year after their debut. they had won their first ever music show trophy with their newest comeback and the five of them celebrated in their dorm with cheat foods and even alcohol for the oldest members. at some point, yerim tried to sneak a sip but unfortunately for her, seungwan was still as vigilant as ever despite all the soju in her small body.

 

by ten, the two youngest members were already sent to bed by joohyun to get their rest before an early schedule the next day. seungwan wanted to help clean up but was clearly too sleepy from drinking and joohyun let her rest as well.

 

it was just her and seulgi left, cleaning up the leftover food and rubbish quietly so as to not wake the members. seulgi discovered a half finished bottle of soju when they finished cleaning and it was easy to convince joohyun to finish it with her since they were all in high spirits.

 

the two of them sat comfortably side by side on the couch with the bottle passed between them with every exchange of sentences.

 

“i’m so proud of us.” joohyun said with a contented sigh, resting her head on seulgi’s shoulder and hugging the empty soju bottle to her chest. “it still feels unreal.”

 

“i know.” seulgi agreed, glancing at her and smiling. “but you - and all of us - deserve this so much. we’ve worked so hard to come this far.” she said and joohyun would not be able to tell seulgi was a bit drunk if it weren’t for the evident blush across her cheeks.

 

“yes, we have.” joohyun nodded before smiling at a memory. “it feels like yesterday that we were crying together and thinking we’d never debut.”

 

“and look at us now.” seulgi said, nudging her lightly with her shoulder and joohyun smiled widely, looking at her and remembering how four years ago, seulgi was smaller than her but now she had to tilt her head up a little to look her in the eyes. she had grown up wonderfully and joohyun rarely voiced it, but she always felt so proud every time she looked at her.

 

“and we’ll achieve so much more together. more songs, more comebacks, more wins…” she smiled at the thought of doing all that with her best friends by her side. they sat in comfortable silence for longer until seulgi spoke again. “you know, earlier today when they called our name, i felt so, so happy.” she said, and joohyun turned to look at her attentively.

 

“and the fact that you were standing there beside me… it just made the moment so much more meaningful and beautiful.” she said with sincerity and affection in her eyes.

 

joohyun stared back, her heart feeling the lightest and happiest it had ever felt in a long, long time. all the events of today and now having seulgi by her side at the end of the day made her inexplicably happy and grateful.

 

without thinking twice, she leaned up and kissed seulgi. it was only a light touch of their lips that lasted less than a second before she pulled back with a giggle.

 

“i think im drunk.” she said. she felt too elated and impulsive to be sober.

 

seulgi had an amused smile spreading across her face, “me too.” she said, finding joohyun’s hand and giving it a light squeeze. joohyun looked at their hands with a smile and she was thankful seulgi didn’t question anything or try to talk about it. just like how they never talked about the kiss on the rooftop, they were comfortable letting this one slide too.

 

“i’m happy we are doing this together.” joohyun said, laying her head back on seulgi’s shoulder and resuming their conversation.

 

“me too, unnie.” seulgi murmured. “really happy.”

 

~

 

the third kiss was after they had their first ‘real’ fight.

 

“you really should just talk to her, seul.” seungwan said. “unnie is quite upset by what you said.”

 

seulgi frowned, looking stubborn despite knowing she was the one in the wrong for throwing careless words at joohyun over her own immature emotions.

 

“yeah seulgi-unnie, how could you say that?” sooyoung blurted, making seungwan look at her with a surprised expression. “everyone knows that joohyun-unnie cares for you a lot.”

 

seulgi felt another pang of guilt striking her chest as she looked at her members (excluding yerim who had classes and joohyun who was hiding in her room) and saw the disappointed gazes they held. the girls didn’t know the full story behind seulgi’s actions but they were all present when seulgi uncharacteristically spoke to joohyun rudely without her usual manners and it shocked everyone at the table.

 

“sooyoung is right.” seungwan said, looking back at seulgi and putting a hand on her shoulder. “everyone knows joohyun-unnie has a soft spot for you. you two were friends for the longest after all, how could she not care about you?”

 

“i know.” seulgi said in a small voice, sounding a lot like yerim whenever joohyun caught her breaking a dorm rule. “i was stupid and wasn’t thinking properly.”

 

“just talk to her and apologise. she’ll forgive you and then we can all move past this.” seungwan said. “it’s too weird having you two on bad terms.” she added with a small chuckle.

 

when seulgi knocked lightly on the door and entered the room, joohyun was sitting on the edge of her bed facing the door like she had been waiting. which was fair, because seulgi was the one who should have to apologise.

 

it was easy to tell that joohyun had cried earlier and seulgi felt even worse.

 

“unnie…” she started, closing the door behind her and leaning back against it slightly because she was admittedly intimidated by joohyun’s lack of expression. they rarely, if ever, got upset at each other and seulgi was not great at dealing with it.

 

“i am sorry.” seulgi said, hoping she sounded sincere. “i shouldn’t have said those things to you because i know it’s not true.”

 

joohyun looked at her, unmoving, but her eyes had a sadness in them. “but you wouldn’t have said those words if you weren’t feeling that way.” she said, every word coming out clearly and carefully like she had practiced it. “i reflected on the way i have been acting and maybe i haven't been the best leader-”

 

“what? no.” seulgi interrupted before joohyun could go on with that absurd train of thought. “unnie, this was all just me. it’s not your fault, it’s all mine. i was being immature and jealous and overthinking the smallest things.” she explained quickly.

 

“jealous?” joohyun asked, surprised.

 

seulgi paused for a moment, shame overcoming her. “yes.” she said quietly. “it’s stupid, i know.” she said but joohyun looked at her with those attentive and innocent eyes that made seulgi want to tell her everything. “i was used to being the only one you turned to and now there’s - look, i know it’s stupid and there’s nothing wrong with it - but i just don’t like feeling like i’m being replaced and i get irrationally upset by it but i’ll get over it, i promise.” seulgi looked at her pleadingly, hoping joohyun wouldn’t get mad at her immature thoughts.

 

joohyun didn’t speak for a while and seulgi felt her chest constrict in fear, guilt, and humiliation. “i-i’ll go now.” she said, deciding that running away was her best option.

 

“seulgi-yah.” joohyun called before seulgi could turn the door handle. she looked over her shoulder and joohyun was standing now. “come here.” she said, her voice soft yet commanding.

 

seulgi swallowed hard, walking closer obediently until she was close enough to let joohyun draw her into her arms and hug her comfortably.

 

“i am sorry too.” joohyun murmured, voice muffled from pressed on seulgi’s shoulder. “i never meant for you to feel like you were replaced or neglected.”

 

all of the negative feelings that seulgi had earlier dissipated like magic from joohyun’s sincere words and she put her arms around joohyun, leaning into their embrace. joohyun seemed relieved that seulgi was hugging her back and she relished in the warmth from the taller girl.

 

“but you have to understand that as leader and as a member of the group, i love all of you the same and i care for all of you equally.” joohyun said and seulgi nodded because she was a mature and understanding adult.

 

“i know.”

 

joohyun smiled in gratitude and she felt seulgi withdraw from the hug first so they could be facing one another. joohyun caught seulgi’s arms to stop her from moving away and seulgi’s breath caught in when joohyun leaned up to press a gentle kiss on the corner of .

 

“but outside of red velvet, outside of all this, you know you are always my favourite, right?”

 

~

 

the fourth kiss was in 2017 and it was seulgi’s birthday.

 

“do we still have to do the birthday kiss tradition?” sooyoung groaned, pretending to hate the idea despite always being the first to give the birthday girl the most obnoxious and loud kiss on the cheek.

 

“of course we do.” joohyun said with a laugh, holding seulgi’s phone to film the heartwarming sight in front of her: the four girls that meant the world to her, gathered around the birthday cake with big grins and bright eyes.

 

sooyoung and yerim both decided to swipe buttercream on seulgi’s nose and chin before giving her a kiss on the cheek and the rest of them giggled at the red lipstick print left behind by sooyoung.

 

seungwan was next and gave her a kiss on the other cheek with a sincere “happy birthday, my best friend” while the two youngest bickered in the background over their indirect kiss because they both kissed seulgi on the same cheek.

 

“unnie?” seungwan looked at their leader behind the camera expectantly.

 

“i’m filming, so just blow out the candles and cut the cake first.” joohyun said, so they did. seulgi made a birthday wish and then there was more commotion when the pranksters attempted to push seulgi’s face into the cake (and failed).

 

it took some time to settle them but finally, the two obediently cleaned up the mess on the table and seungwan ever so kindly worked on distributing the slices of cake onto plates.

 

joohyun watched them with a smile when seulgi approached her side, still wiping the cream from her nose. joohyun looked at her, attentive eyes automatically finding the small smears that seulgi missed. she took the napkin from seulgi who already knew what she was doing and stood still for her to wipe the remaining cream from her face.

 

“thank you unnie.” seulgi said with a smile that quickly turned mischievous. “but where’s my birthday kiss?”

 

joohyun laughed, folding the napkin neatly before she leaned up closer to seulgi’s cheek. “happy birthday, seulgi-yah.” she said, moving in for a kiss. seulgi turned at the right time for joohyun’s lips to land on hers and she pulled back in surprise, only realising it was intentional after seeing seulgi’s cheeky grin.

 

“yah!” joohyun pushed her shoulder, faking annoyance and seulgi just laughed that cute laugh of hers.

 

~

 

the fifth kiss happened on new years.

 

it was the first time since they debuted that it was only joohyun and seulgi spending new years together. the first few years were always with the five of them, but naturally, as they met more people outside of their group, whether it was friends or lovers, they started having different plans on special days like this one.

 

last year, seulgi was still seeing someone, and the year before that, joohyun was in a relationship that didn’t end up lasting very long. this year was the first time they were both single and chose to stay at home while the other girls went out.

 

they prepared and ate a simple dinner together before choosing to just put an old movie on and talk on the couch with glasses of wine. it had been a long time since they had this opportunity to talk uninterruptedly with just the two of them.

 

it was nice and it reminded joohyun of the days when it was really just the two of them with only each other to go to for sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings. now they were in their 5th year as idols and they had been through so much with