not putting a rating on this chapter because nothing explicit, but talks and mentions of , drinking/drugs, cheating…so on

now playing: everytime - ariana grande

"why, oh why does god keep bringing me back to you?" 

“how do i say this nicely? let me think…hmm… okay, how about: seulgi is a terrible girlfriend.” yeri said sarcastically. “like, definitely not girlfriend material, you know? red flags everywhere- oh! sorry baby.” she apologised to the white ball of fur cradled in her arm for jostling him awake. she planted a kiss on his small head and petted him soothingly before looking back up. “where was i? oh right, so, basically just…bad. she’s bad news and you need to stay away.” she said.

irene bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say in response to that and decided to just keep her eyes on the sleeping dog in case he ever woke up and decided to pounce on her.

“like, i know she’s hot and rich and blah blah… but you deserve so much better! you should not be throwing away the golden times of your life on someone that can’t commit to a long term relationship.”

“i know...” irene admitted quietly.

“because no offence, you’re getting old.”

“i understood the implication, thanks.” irene replied with a small glare. “also,” she glanced around at the empty house awkwardly, “i came to talk to tae.”

“i know.” yeri responded nonchalantly. “but am i not a better person to talk to than her?” she asked confidently and irene wanted to say “not really” but something told her the younger girl wouldn’t take no for an answer (plus, the fact she was holding a weapon in her arms).

“tae would probably say something like ‘just do what makes you happy’ or ‘follow your heart’ or something cringe like that.” yeri snorted a little, “but i say, leave her!” she declared, once again accidentally waking up totori in her arms.

“we’re not together.” irene restated, because the first question yeri asked when she arrived was “are you still with kang seulgi?” and irene wasn’t even fazed anymore by how involved yeri was in her personal affairs because she knew taeyeon’s gossip-loving sibling always found her way to know everything about everyone. but yeri wasn’t entirely wrong; she really did give good (although blunt) advice sometimes.

“yeah, but you’re not not together either.” yeri rolled her eyes. “irene, you need to stop going back to her. you need to break this toxic little cycle you two have.”

irene huffed, looking at her hands with a small pout because of how right yeri was and it made her feel like a child being scolded for making a mistake.

“i’m trying.” she said.

“oh yeah?” yeri raised an eyebrow challengingly at her. “when was the last time you saw her?”

“um… two weeks ago actually.” irene replied, glancing upwards to remember when it was. “yeah, two.”

“two weeks.” yeri pulled an unimpressed face. “and you think this time it’s done for real?” she asked.

“two weeks is a long time for us.” irene said, ignoring yeri’s facepalm. “and i told her we were done.”

“yeah, you’ve said that before but it’s never been real.” yeri pointed out.

“well it’s real this time!” irene said determinedly because yeri was looking so unimpressed and she wanted to win just once. plus, seulgi hadn’t texted her in a whole week, so maybe she was also serious about being done. of course, irene wouldn’t admit it to yeri or to anyone, but she did feel hurt at the thought of seulgi being over her or not wanting to see her anymore.

“so you’re really done with her this time?” yeri challenged. “even if she calls, you won’t fall for her again and go back to her?”

“yeah, i won’t.” irene said confidently. “i’ve blocked her on everything already. i know it’s what’s best for me.”

“i’m glad you know.” yeri muttered.

“i do.” irene affirmed. “i won’t go back to her again like i did for the past few times.”

“i think it was six times.”

“why do you know that?”

“tae and i make bets on it every time.” yeri shrugged with a cheeky smile. “where do you think i get the money to buy my baby new clothes?” she cooed at totori and irene just sighed.

~

irene was in the middle of a movie when she heard a car horn blare outside her apartment. frowning a little, she ignored it and turned her attention back to the tv.

the car honked again, this time for almost five seconds straight, and irene heard some angry man shouting outside. she rolled her eyes at the commotion and kept watching the movie.

it happened for a third time and only then did irene get herself up to walk to the window and look down onto the street, frustrated but curious to see what was causing the noise.

the moment she saw the bright yellow sports car on the side of the road, she felt her heart jump and her stomach churned but she hated that there was a mix of excitement along with the irritation.

“irene!” seulgi shouted when she saw irene’s head pop up at her window. “come out!”

irene chewed on her lip, deciding against it because she had told herself and yeri and all her other friends that she wouldn’t fall for seulgi’s tricks and charms again.

seulgi saw irene’s unmoving figure in the window and she huffed, leaning into her car’s open window again to press on the horn firmly.

“shut up !” someone shouted from a nearby building but seulgi ignored them. she knew irene could be stubborn when she wanted to be, but two could play that game, and seulgi would not leave until she saw irene.

irene whipped open the window when seulgi obnoxiously pressed the horn again. “fine! just stop doing that!” she yelled at seulgi.

seulgi watched in satisfaction as irene disappeared from the window and she waited, leaning on her car as irene made her way down to the ground floor. it didn’t take too long until she was storming her way out towards her, looking cute in her pajamas despite the furious expression on her face.

“what. the. . is your problem?” she hissed, looking at seulgi with fiery eyes and seulgi unfolded her arms, standing up straighter.

“you blocked my number.” she said, unintimidated by the glare irene was sending her. “why?”

“why do you think?” irene asked sarcastically.

“well i had to find a way to get to you.” seulgi said with a shrug.

“i could’ve called the police.” irene said, and then wondered why she didn’t.

the corner of seulgi’s lip quirked up as if she had thought of the same thing. “but you didn’t. you wanted to see me.”

irene ignored her brave assumption. “why are you here?” she asked, folding her arms defensively. “we’ve broken up.”

“have we?”

“shut up.”

seulgi’s arrogant smile only grew wider from seeing irene’s irritation and irene hated herself for still being attracted to her. seulgi reached through the open car window to retrieve something from the seat of the car and she turned back to hold it out to irene.

“what?” irene looked at the fancy looking gift wrapped box warily but refused to reach out for it.

“i was in japan last week.” seulgi said. “you always liked the peaches from japan so i brought some back for you.” seulgi said, looking at her with a sincere gaze, any hint of her previous arrogance now gone.

irene looked back and forth between her and the box in her hands for a long while, struggling with her heart and mind to decide what to do.

on one hand she knew what the right thing to do was and she knew what promises she had made to her friends. on the other hand, seulgi looked so irritatingly attractive wearing her favourite leather jacket (a gift from irene on her 20th birthday) with her newly dyed light brown hair that had irene craving to feel between her fingers.

“.” she whispered.

~

it was just so easy with seulgi. at least, that was the excuse irene gave herself every time she let herself melt into seulgi’s arms and let seulgi kiss her everywhere. it was just so familiar; so many things that didn’t have to be said, so many things they just knew.

seulgi smirked, hearing irene’s breathless moan when she nibbled on her sensitive left ear the way she liked it. “missed me?” she asked teasingly, her breaths hot against irene’s collarbones and her hands riding her shirt up, prompting irene to raise her arms to slip out of her shirt.

“not too much.” irene replied, breath hitching when seulgi pushed her back against the wall and reached down to pull her pants past her hips. her gaze remained intensely fixated on her and the eye contact alone was enough to make irene weak.

“that’s enough for me.” seulgi said with a grin, kissing her impatiently and bringing her away from the wall once her pants were discarded along with her shirt. irene let seulgi lead the way to her bedroom because seulgi knew the place well enough to get there even with her eyes closed.

that was what irene meant by easy. and without her even saying anything, seulgi knew to turn the bedside lamp on and leave the main light off, she knew to draw the curtains back to show the view of the city through the window - just the way irene liked it.

seulgi gave her a confident smirk from where she stood at the foot of the bed, catching the lustful gaze in irene’s eyes as she watched her like a hawk while settling back on her elbows on the bed. seulgi teasingly removed her shirt, observing irene’s intense stare that gave her a surge of confidence. there was nothing she loved more than feeling desired by someone who supposedly didn’t want her anymore.

she ped her jeans slowly, making sure irene watched every movement torturously and she saw the flicker of suspicion on irene’s face when she noticed the matching purple lingerie on seulgi’s body.

seulgi moved forward to kneel on the bed, pressing irene lower as their faces neared.

“you expected this would happen.” irene said, figuring it out herself.

seulgi’s lips were hovering over hers, stretched into a mischievous smile. “you don’t consider the possibility that i was going to see someone else if you sent me away tonight?”

irene made a dissatisfied sound, jaw tightening as she reached up to curl her fingers into seulgi’s hair and pull her in to kiss her more roughly than before.

seulgi knew her too well. she always knew what to say and what would push her buttons and get her riled up the most; and a jealous and possessive irene was her favourite by far.

(or maybe irene was just her favourite.)

~

they met in college when irene was a stressed out business student in her final year and seulgi was a well-known chaebol who only went to college for the sake of having a degree to her name. the attraction between them was instant despite irene knowing seulgi’s reputation as someone who didn’t take anything seriously.

what was meant to be a one night thing evolved into a full relationship when seulgi pursued irene, deciding that she had finally met someone she wanted to keep around.

surprisingly to everyone (themselves included), they dated happily for a year and a half until their personalities and lifestyles proved too incompatible and frustrating for irene.

seulgi didn’t need to work because her family had all the money she needed. so she could spend her time doing anything she liked, which was usually partying, drinking, getting high, and being out and about all the time. irene on the other hand, had a steadfast job and routine lifestyle with little room for spontaneity. she grew tired and angry of seulgi’s negligence and countless no-shows despite promising to be there for dates or other important events, while seulgi grew tired of irene’s need for control and strict rules.

they fought often until they finally called it quits on a random thursday afternoon in april, but on saturday night they were in seulgi’s bed with their clothes strewn all over the place and on sunday morning they were together again.

a month later, they broke up again because irene was upset at seulgi for drinking too much at a party and it reminded her that seulgi wasn’t the person she wanted to stay with. not even a week later, seulgi called her saying she missed her and it didn’t take much for irene to fall right back in.

her friends were beyond annoyed when the same few events happened over and over again and irene knew she was disappointing them, but it felt beyond her control. because despite everything, she still loved seulgi. there was a part of her that would probably always love seulgi.

even if she knew seulgi wasn’t a good girlfriend, wasn’t a reliable partner, and wasn’t good for her, she would still always go back to her.

~

“you changed your perfume.” seulgi said, getting dressed at the edge of the bed.

“so?” irene retorted, trying to act unfazed but she secretly felt delighted that seulgi noticed the little things about her. she stopped using the expensive perfume seulgi bought for her because seulgi was an ex and she shouldn’t use things from her ex; it only made sense.

“i liked the other one better on you.” seulgi said simply, tucking her shirt back into the front of her jeans and standing up.

irene was still in bed, covers bunched up to her chest because she was sitting up and glaring at her. “i’m not wearing it for you.”

seulgi shrugged. “okay.” she accepted the outcome easily. “see you next time, rene.” she said, heading to the door.

“first of all,” irene called out, her tone harsh and making seulgi halt. “don’t call me that.”

seulgi turned to look at her, eyes wide and innocent but irene knew she was anything but that.

“second of all, there will be no next time.” irene continued.

“come on…” seulgi responded with a light laugh, looking more amused than anything. she had heard this before and irene never really meant it.

“no, i’m serious, seulgi.” irene said, staring at her with the most resolute expression she could muster.

seulgi held her stare for longer, like she was gauging how ‘real’ it was this time.

“and if you come around and cause a noise disturbance again i will call the police.” irene said warningly.

“fair enough.” seulgi muttered.

“now get out of my house.”

“but rene-”

“go.” irene got out of bed, hastily bunching the covers on her body as she rushed to push seulgi towards the door. “get out. don’t ever come back.” she said.

“you don’t mean that. i know you-” seulgi was pushed out of the bedroom and the door slammed in her face before she could finish talking. she heard the lock click and then the shower running, making her sigh in defeat.

twenty minutes later, irene walked out of her bedroom cautiously, breath held in anticipation of whether seulgi would still be here or not. the place was empty and irene let out a breath of both relief and disappointment.

she noticed items on the kitchen counter and she walked closer to find a plate with nicely cut slices of peach and a cup of tea next to it. irene’s heart beat faster against her will, looking at her favourite tea that seulgi still remembered and the peaches she brought back specially for her.

the concept of seulgi preparing tea and food for her in the mornings reminded her too much of the better days of their relationship, when everything felt so perfect and so right. seulgi may have been careless about other aspects of her life, but with irene, she was surprisingly attentive to details and always remembered little things about her.

so as much as she knew she shouldn’t, irene found herself missing her already; wishing she was beside her so she could hug her and kiss her again.

ugh. she thought to herself. i’m in trouble.

~

“today we are gathered here for an intervention.” taeyeon announced to the girls sitting around her on the couch.

yeri nodded solemnly, looking at irene who looked back at her with a roll of her eyes.

“but first, look at how cute he is!” yeri gushed, holding totori up and showing off the cute turtle outfit he was wearing. “say thank you to irene for sleeping with her ex again!”

“you made another bet?” irene asked in disbelief.

“yep.” yeri replied proudly, putting totori back on the floor to scamper around and irene hugged her knees to keep her feet off the floor.

“but tae is right. we need an intervention because you need help.” yeri said, looking at her older sister with a nod. “this is literally like, when crack addicts are in rehab and they need to overcome their addiction.”

“it’s not a drug addiction.” irene tried to defend herself.

“it pretty much is.” taeyeon said, making irene look at her with a betrayed expression. “you know it’s bad for you, everyone knows its bad for you, and you try to stay away but you can never fully detach yourself from her. she is basically a drug.”

“love is my drug by kesha.” yeri added unhelpfully.

“so what solutions do we have to help irene overcome this crippling addiction?” taeyeon asked.

“physically restrain her from ever contacting seulgi or seeing her again.” yeri said.

“oh you could use a chastity belt!”

“wait, why is joy here?” irene asked, looking at the girl across from her who was currently cracking up with laughter with yeri. “and why does she know about everything?”

“because she is my best friend.” yeri replied. “we have no secrets between us.” she said proudly.

irene opened to complain about yeri telling joy her personal issues but decided there was no point in it since it was too late now anyway.

“you know the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?” taeyeon asked.

yeri clapped excitedly, “yes! good idea.” she agreed.

irene let out a dry laugh, “right, as if you can just remove all my memories of her.” she said sarcastically.

“a lobotomy could do the trick.” yeri said, imitating a nail and hammer into the side of joy’s head.

“that’s not how…” irene’s voice died out as she knew any reasoning was futile with these clowns.

“maybe if irene moves overseas.” taeyeon pondered.

“i’m not moving away just because of this.” irene stopped that train of thought quickly.

“or if seulgi moves overseas?” joy suggested.

“or if the drug just doesn’t tempt her again.” yeri said with a shrug. “because every time it’s pretty much just irene unable to resist when it’s there in front of her.”

“good point.” joy said, fist bumping her.

“that’s true, so maybe we should first brainstorm why seulgi keeps coming back to her so we can figure out how to stop seulgi from coming back.” taeyeon said with full seriousness and irene looked around incredulously. did none of them find this entire conversation ridiculous or was she the only sane one here?

“because clearly we can’t rely on this hopeless drug addict to quit on her own. we have to end the drug supply itself.” yeri said.

“you really love using that analogy don’t you?” irene deadpanned.

“so brainstorm!” taeyeon said and when irene looked at her she had a notepad and pen in her hand.

“what the hell…” irene said, putting her head in her hands. why were her friends like this?

“so i guess one reason is that it’s just for old times sake.” taeyeon said. “like reminiscing about the past and everything.”

“i guess…she is kind of pretty or whatever.” yeri said reluctantly, earning herself a flying cushion sent from irene’s direction.

“convenience maybe.” taeyeon said, ignoring the sound of protest from irene as she added it onto the list in her notepad. “oh and she probably likes the challenge of making irene turn back on her word again and again.” taeyeon added, writing it down. “what other things are good about irene?” she asked, looking around for more ideas.

“she’s good in bed.” joy offered.

the others slowly turned to look at her, silence hanging over the room awkwardly.

“i’m just assuming! because she wouldn’t keep coming back if it wasn’t a good lay.” joy explained.

“ohh, yeah good point! good thinking, joy.” yeri agreed brightly.

“um…” irene looked at taeyeon, only to find taeyeon writing down ‘dynamite in bed’. “tae!” she exclaimed.

“what? it’s a good point.” taeyeon looked at her and shrugged. “it’s probably the biggest reason actually.”

“so what if next time irene just does a terrible job in bed and scares seulgi off?” yeri suggested and the others murmured in agreement.

“this is ridiculous.” irene said, flopping back against the couch and covering her eyes with her arm.

“okay, i got it.” yeri clapped her hands, receiving all the attention in the room. “if one of them starts dating someone else, then they have to stop their little thing.”

“true. that’s true.” joy said, agreeing enthusiastically with her best friend.

“so all we need is a rebound.” taeyeon said pensively, looking at irene.

“i’m not sure if that’s…”

“we’re on it!” joy and yeri said excitedly. “already downloading dating apps on her phone.”

“how did you get my phone-”

~

irene tried. she did her best following her friends’ encouragement to go on a date or two with some matches they decided for her but it wasn’t her fault they were all so boring.

nothing about the dates excited her and there were no feelings of thrill or giddiness or . nothing that she craved for and that was when irene realised yeri might have been right with her whole drug analogy.

she craved for seulgi. her body and her entire being craved for seulgi and the feelings that she got when she was around seulgi. she was basically a junkie feeling withdrawals and cravings after she went a week without seeing seulgi.

but just like her, seulgi could never stay away for too long.

irene’s phone rang and she groaned, stretching her arm out to reach for it from her comfortable position on the couch. who was calling at such a late hour? she grumbled to herself as she looked at the caller id with no name to it. possibly a spam call, she thought to herself, but still answered it.

“hello?” she said cautiously in a small voice.

“rene?”

irene felt tingles run through her entire body at the unmistakable sound of seulgi’s voice. she hated herself for how weak she was for her and how her voice alone could make her fall like a lovestruck teenager.

“how are you calling me? why are you calling me?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady but the junkie inside of her was growing excited at the prospect of getting a fix.

“…i missed you.” seulgi admitted and irene heard a bit of noise from her end - multiple voices talking in the background - and irene bit back a smile, her ego being by knowing that seulgi was calling her despite having company around her.

“yeah?” irene breathed, playing with the ends of her hair as she thought about her options of how to navigate this situation she was in. she could hear the kim sisters in her head yelling at her to back off from the phone and to block the number and ignore everything. but she had been so bored recently and all she wanted was to have some fun.

“what did you miss about me?” irene asked, holding her breath afterwards as she waited for a reply.

“everything.”

“then…” irene bit her lip, closing her eyes briefly. “what are you going to do about it?” she asked in a low voice.

a small break of silence, like seulgi was contemplating. “i can be there in ten minutes.” she said finally.

irene inhaled shakily in anticipation. “okay.” she said and she could hear half of her brain screaming at her to say no and to stop this right now, but she just blocked the noise out.

“seulgi? make it nine.”

~

by the time seulgi was at her door, irene could barely stay still - well and truly acting her part of a crazed addict with the way she was itching to get her hands on her.

“hi.” seulgi whispered, smiling as soon as she saw her.

irene wasn’t in the mood for small talk, reaching for the lapels of seulgi’s leather jacket and yanking her through the doorway to connect their lips in an impatient kiss. seulgi barely had time to kick the door shut behind her as they stumbled down the hallway, kissing feverishly and hands desperately searching for contact they had been craving.

the scent of seulgi’s perfume mingled with the scent of weed filled irene’s senses and she scoffed internally because of course seulgi was high. she was pretty sure seulgi spent less time in her days being sober, but her kisses were so irresistible and irene was always so weak when it came to her touches that she couldn’t even be annoyed by it.

she wasn’t sure if she was just overthinking or if seulgi wasn’t as eager as usual, but she was determined to change that. she pushed seulgi up against the wall, still kissing her as her hands reached to untuck the front of her shirt and fumble with the buckle of her belt.

seulgi didn’t react for a second but then she took hold of irene’s hands, pushing them back across the hallway until her back hit the other wall and her hands were pinned above her head by seulgi.

more than delighted for seulgi to take charge, irene waited eagerly for her next action, submitting herself easily.

she just didn’t expect seulgi to remain immobile with her against the wall and for her to ask, “can i use your shower?”

irene blinked twice, looking at her to see if she was joking but seulgi looked serious. okay, irene thought to herself, maybe there was a hidden message here; maybe seulgi wanted to do it in the shower?

“and could i borrow some clothes too?” seulgi asked, letting go of irene’s hands and stepping back.

“uh…yeah. sure.” irene stammered, beyond confused at seulgi’s behaviour. she was a little suspicious at what seulgi might’ve been planning, but seulgi looked genuinely innocent with her intentions of taking a shower to clean up.

irene searched her wardrobe to find a random shirt and shorts that probably belonged to seulgi at some point in the past and put them on the bed for seulgi.

“thanks.” seulgi said with a grateful smile and irene was thankful she didn’t comment on the clothing.

“okay…” irene said awkwardly, still thinking seulgi might surprise her by dragging her into the bathroom with her and resume what they started at the door. but she didn’t.

irene furrowed her brows in confusion after seulgi went inside the bathroom and closed the door, the sound of the shower running soon after.

she closed the bedroom door on the way out and wandered back to the couch where she had been most of the night. she thought hard about what the reason for seulgi’s behaviour could be. maybe seulgi was self conscious about her hygiene after being out tonight and wanted to be clean before doing anything with her? or what if seulgi was with someone else before coming here and-

irene shook that thought out of her head, unknowingly gripping her blanket tighter at the uncomfortable thought of seulgi with other people. rationally she knew seulgi was allowed to see other people - the same way she was also going out on dates with other people - but why did she hate the idea of that so much?

she distracted herself with the movie playing on tv and she soon heard the room door open, soft footsteps approaching the living room.

“you still use the same fabric softener.” seulgi commented, holding the collar of the shirt up to her nose and breathing in the scent.

“yeah.” irene said, turning her head to look at her but remained on the couch. “i’ve tried some other ones but always ended up going back to this scent.” she said and it was only until the words were out that she realised the double meaning in her sentence.

seulgi didn’t show any reaction and she just glanced at the kitchen, “do you have anything to eat?”

irene wasn’t sure what she should be feeling. who did seulgi think she was? coming to her house late at night just to use her shower and eat her food? she wasn’t her girlfriend, she wasn’t even her friend actually.

“there’s rice in the rice cooker and some dishes in the fridge.” irene said, making seulgi’s face light up in a smile.

“thank you.” she said, making her way over to the kitchen, leaving irene to sit there with her head spinning and she started to think this was all a fever dream resulting from the withdrawals frying her brain.

seulgi heated the food up and joined irene on the couch shortly, sitting down beside her all too casually, as if they were close friends or something. “what are you watching?” she asked.

“i don’t know what it’s called.” irene replied honestly, making seulgi snicker as she started eating. irene bit her lip, looking back and forth between seulgi and the tv screen, wondering when it was the right time to confront her about tonight’s events.

just then, irene’s phone on the coffee table lit up with a notification from one of her matches on the dating app yeri had downloaded for her.

irene noticed seulgi’s gaze flicker towards the phone and seulgi stopped chewing, recognising the app icon. “you’re using that?” she asked, unreadable emotion in her tone.

“yeah, just for fun…kind of. my friend downloaded it for me.” irene said and she felt embarrassed and ashamed at the same time.

“is it fun?” seulgi asked.

“uh…i guess.”

“can i look?” seulgi asked, looking amused and irene stared at her for a while, wondering why she was so goddamn weak when it came to saying no to seulgi.

“sure.”

seulgi picked up her phone, swiping left on the notification and the phone unlocked for her after recognising her face. irene sighed quietly, realising now that she had forgotten to remove seulgi’s face id from her phone.

seulgi looked at the app, swiping through a few people and laughing at some of the cringeworthy biographies and photos they posted. “this is such a joke.” she said.

“there are good people on there.” irene said. “sometimes.”

“everyone on here is just looking for a hook up.” seulgi said with a small shake of her head and irene was amused because if that was the case, seulgi seemed like someone who would be on the app.

“these are your matches?” she asked, opening the inboxes page of the app.

“er…” irene said nervously but she let seulgi open the chats and read them briefly.

“why haven’t you replied to her?” seulgi asked, making irene look at the screen to see the name of one of the women she went out with two nights ago.

“the date was boring.” irene replied.

the amused smile grew on seulgi’s face and she just laughed to herself, opening another chat. “oh, no way, you matched with this?” she asked, pulling a face upon seeing the profile picture.

irene blushed, “he’s a news anchor! i was just interested in his bio…” she defended herself.

“rene, are you that desperate?” seulgi asked lightheartedly, returning the phone to where it was earlier and finishing her food.

“no.” irene muttered even though she was - in more ways than one. “just bored sometimes.”

seulgi looked at her, words on the tip of her tongue but she decided against it, looking away again. they sat in silence for a while until seulgi finished eating and brought her dishes into the kitchen again. judging from the sound of the tap running, she was washing the dishes and that satisfied the annoyance irene felt previously. at least seulgi still had the sense to clean up after herself.

seulgi returned to the couch afterwards, wordlessly slipping under the blanket to be beside irene and irene was about to complain but then seulgi’s arms slid around her waist to gently tug her closer and she leaned in to kiss her and everything about seulgi was so soft and so warm that irene could only melt into her.

it was a tender kiss without the intention of anything else and it was different to all the other kisses they had shared recently. irene reached up to hold the back of seulgi’s head as she was lowered down on the couch with seulgi’s weight pressing down comfortably on her.

they kissed until they were breathless and seulgi broke the kiss to kiss down her neck instead, sweetly and without any rush, stopping at her collarbones with one last gentle kiss and rested her head on irene’s shoulder instead. they lay in an embrace, quiet except for the sound of their breathing and seulgi could hear irene’s heartbeat fall back to a normal rate.

“what are we doing?” irene asked in a voice barely above a whisper. having seulgi here in her arms, wearing her clothes with her scent on them and being so domestic together reminded irene of what they used to be and it was a little too comfortable for what they were now.

“i don’t know.” seulgi admitted quietly, eyes closed and breathing in irene’s scent that made her feel at peace.

“why did you come tonight?” irene asked.

“i told you i missed you.” seulgi replied.

irene fell silent for a while, fingers absentmindedly running through seulgi’s hair as she thought about things. she randomly remembered the stupid list that taeyeon and the girls had made last week and she decided it wouldn’t hurt to find out whether any of the items on the list were correct.

“what is it about me that keeps making you come back?” irene asked in a soft voice because she was a little afraid of the answer.

seulgi fell quiet, which scared irene even more.

“is it just for the ?” irene asked, deciding to make things easier for her.

“no.” seulgi responded, shifting a little and irene loosened her hold so that seulgi could peer up at her. “i’m not that shallow.”

irene cracked a small smile, “then, for fun?” she asked, hoping the strain in her voice wasn’t noticeable.

seulgi shook her head slightly, settling back in the crook of irene’s neck and irene shivered when her lips brushed against her skin.

“when i get high, it calms all of the thoughts in my head.” seulgi said and irene wondered where this information was coming from all of a sudden.

“everything is quieter, the way i like it. but it's still not the same feeling.” seulgi murmured against her neck.

“as what?” irene whispered.

“being with you.” seulgi whispered back. “you make me feel calmest. you make me feel like things are okay and that i am okay.”

seulgi let out a small laugh at the awkward silence that followed and she moved herself up to bring irene’s head closer for a kiss and irene’s eyes fluttered close, her heart thumping in her chest with so many mixed and confusing feelings for seulgi.

“and because i love you, rene.”

well… irene thought. those definitely weren't on taeyeon’s list.

~

it was painful because she knew how bad they were for each other but it just felt too good to be together. when things were good, it was amazing, but when things were bad, it was bad.

“don’t touch me!” irene tore her arm out of seulgi’s grip, storming across the room to take seulgi’s clothes from last night and throw them at her. “take your and get out of my house.”

“rene, please-”

“i said, don’t call me that!” irene said viciously, raising a finger warningly at her and preventing her from stepping any closer.

“irene, why can’t we just stay the way we have been?” seulgi asked in a plea. “you enjoyed the times we had together, right?”

“seulgi, let me make this very simple for you.” irene seethed, growing furious with her persistence. “i am sick of your emotional manipulation and your games. i’m not falling fo