(i don't normally do a/ns at the start but i just wanted to give a bit of context)
this chapter is mainly inspired by the movie 'about time' where irene can go back in time if she goes into a dark space and visualises the memory
also i know the artist is meant to be raiden (feat. irene) but i do not care

now playing: the only - irene 
"take me back to when we first started" 

sometimes, joohyun wondered, why couldn’t everything in this world just stay the way it was before?

or more specifically, couldn’t people stay the way they were before? couldn’t feelings stay the way they were before?

the sky had a pink-ish orange hue that blended with the faded blue as the sun set low in the horizon. sunset was the time where the colours of the sky changed the fastest. by the time joohyun reached her street, the pink was almost gone.

she looked at the sky for a moment longer, smiling wryly at the darkening evening sky.

a quiet crunch under her step made her look down and she moved her foot to the side to see the leaf she stepped on. she had reached her apartment and the tree outside, which used to be so vibrant and green, was already losing its colour and slowly turning into dull shades of brown.

autumn really was near.

she breathed out some air, watching the puff dissolve in the cold air and stayed beside the tree with its drooping leaves and wondered why everything- from the colour of the sky to the colour of the leaves to the feelings of people- were so ephemeral. then she laughed because of the irony of it all.

it was so ironic; her thinking about wanting time to stop. the very person who could play with time and manipulate it for her own interests, still falling victim to the uncontrollable and unstoppable nature of time passing.

she supposed, theoretically, she could stay in the same moment by just repeating it. but thinking practically and realistically, she wouldn’t do that.

joohyun opened the letterbox, took out the single letter inside that wasn’t even addressed to her and walked to the elevator.

she wasn’t even tired but she felt so tired.

she should feel happy to be home but she didn’t.

“i’m home.” joohyun called out faintly, with less enthusiasm than she hoped for, and stepped out of her heels at the door.

“hi.” seulgi greeted without looking up from her desk, hand busy scribbling on the notepad.

“there’s a letter for you.” joohyun walked over, placing the letter on the edge of the messy desk where there was a small clearing.

“thanks.”

she tried not to wince at the disarray of the desk and turned to walk toward the bedroom, wanting to take a long, hot shower and just rest for the evening.

“you’re not going to ask how my day was? or say anything else to me?” seulgi spoke up behind her and joohyun’s steps slowed, a heavy sigh building up but she suppressed it from escaping her.

“you looked busy.” she said, not turning around.

“yeah, but i would’ve stopped to talk to you.”

joohyun remained silent for a moment.

“do you not care?”

“no.” joohyun turned around, giving her quickest reply of the day. “it’s just- i…”

“you’re not acting yourself these days, joohyun.” seulgi said, face set in a firm expression. “if there’s something you want to say, just say it.”

joohyun swallowed as the heavy feeling in her chest returned.

seulgi held her gaze, eyes slightly narrowed yet not intimidating because she had no makeup on and her cute eyes were always joohyun’s favourite.

“no, i…”

joohyun was tired but not tired enough to give up. not yet. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to.” she sighed, and at her admittance and apology, seulgi’s gaze softened slightly.

“what did you want me to do? ask you about your day?” joohyun asked.

“well it’s too late now.” seulgi said with a small frown.

“what do you mean it’s too late.”

“you’d only be asking because i told you to. not because you wanted to know.” seulgi said with a small sigh. “forget it. it’s fine. i know you’re tired from work and- yeah, it’s fine.”

“no, tell me. what did you want me to do?” joohyun pressed.

“why do you do this?” seulgi asked, raising her voice a little. “you ask me what i wanted as if that would change anything. who cares what i wanted if you already did what you did. it’s too late, joohyun.”

“it’s not too late so just tell me.” joohyun was stubborn and she saw how it made seulgi’s frustration grow.

she threw her hands up in the air, voice dripping with sarcasm. “i don’t know, maybe i just wanted my girlfriend to come home and give me a bit of attention and care about how my day was. maybe show some affection instead of just giving me this letter like some robot and then maybe i’d stop feeling so about what my boss said to me today!”

joohyun’s concern was evident on her face and she took a step forward. “what did he say?”

“now you care?” seulgi muttered, jaw clenched and joohyun recognised it as her suppressing tears. “just leave it. i don’t want to talk about it.” she swivelled back in her chair to face her laptop again.

joohyun sighed, running a hand through her hair, knowing she ed up. again. it was happening too often these days.

she headed into the bedroom and went straight into the wardrobe, closing the door just as she heard the first sob from outside.

she sighed again in the darkness, closing her eyes.

she thought about the evening sky with its fading pink hue and the tree with its faded green leaves.

she opened her eyes, the sight of the tree with its drooping leaves greeting her, and she breathed out some air, watching the puff dissolve in the cold air. with another short sigh, she straightened her back and walked into the building.

joohyun opened the letterbox, took out the single letter inside that wasn’t even addressed to her and walked to the elevator.

“i’m home.” she called, putting a smile on her face as she stepped out of her heels.

“hi.” seulgi greeted without looking up from her desk, hand busy scribbling on the notepad.

joohyun crossed the apartment swiftly to stand beside seulgi and she leaned down to press a kiss on her cheek. “hey you. how was your day?” she asked, seeing a small smile form on seulgi’s face.

“could’ve been better.” seulgi admitted, putting her pen down to look up at her.

“why? what happened?” joohyun asked as seulgi wrapped her arms around her waist and buried her face into her stomach. she ran her fingers through seulgi’s hair comfortingly as seulgi held onto her.

“just... my boss yelled at my team today because there were some mistakes with the report.” seulgi mumbled. “i hate this job, why did i choose it?”

“oh, seulgi.” joohyun caressed her cheek, leaning back to look at her and seulgi returned her gaze with warm and innocent eyes; reminding joohyun just how much she cared for and loved this girl.

“you’ll be alright. it can be fixed, yeah?” she her cheek and seulgi leaned into her touch.

“yeah. it can.” seulgi managed a small smile. “thank you.” she said with a quiet sigh. “this is what i needed.”

“of course.” joohyun smiled, but these days, it felt more effortful. she leaned down to kiss seulgi, lips gently brushing over hers. “i love you.” she whispered, and she meant it, she really did.

“i love you too.”

joohyun was sure she meant it too. but something was different. things had changed, and it had been so gradual and unsuspecting that joohyun had no way of knowing where it went wrong.

~

“you always do this!”

joohyun rubbed her temples, forcing herself to remain calm.

“don’t you understand that i want you to do it because you want to, and not because i told you to do it?” seulgi paced around the room and joohyun closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“seulgi, you need to calm down.”

“i am calm.” seulgi stopped moving around and stared at her, proving her calmness by not saying anything else.

joohyun sighed. “there’s nothing wrong with you telling me what you want from me. that’s how a relationship works. how am i meant to know what you want me to do if you don’t tell me?” joohyun tried to pacify the situation. she just wanted to sleep after a long day and she had almost been able to until seulgi got upset again.

“you’re missing the point joohyun!” seulgi exclaimed. “i’m not upset because you didn’t cuddle me or kiss me, i don’t care if you’re not in the mood. , i don’t even care that we haven’t done it in weeks! it’s just that there’s no point in you making me tell you what i wanted because if i told you and you did it, it would just feel like you’re doing it because i said so. i don’t want you to be forced and have to fake your affection for me.” seulgi bit her lip, holding back tears. “maybe it’d hurt less if you just told me you weren’t attracted to me anymore.”

“that’s not true.” joohyun hastily got out of bed, ignoring how tired she was. “seulgi, please, it’s not that.” she grabbed seulgi’s hands, holding tightly. “i’ve just been tired and there’s a lot on my mind, but it doesn’t change the way i see you.” she said desperately.

“it’s hard to believe that becauseyou never tell me anything that’s on your mind.” seulgi said, pulling away from joohyun. “you’re not the only one that’s tired, joohyun.” she said, voice wavering and she stepped back to distance herself. “i’m going to sleep in the guest room.” she said quietly, turning to leave

“seulgi-” the door closed and joohyun sighed, palming her face. “.”

she was so tired of all of this.

she could just leave it. she could just go back to bed and sleep.

after a second of hesitation, she went inside the wardrobe and closed the door. she closed her eyes and thought of seulgi; her seulgi, who always smiled at her with her eyes, looked at her like she was her entire world, and could make her feel warm and loved with just a simple smile.

yes, she could do nothing. but she still loved seulgi just as much as the first day. so she had to do something.

joohyun opened her eyes and seulgi was beside her, breathing quietly but she knew she was awake. joohyun moved closer, taking seulgi in her arms and pulled her in.

“i love you.” she whispered, nosing against her cheek and she felt seulgi grin in amusement, turning to face her.

“well, this is a surprise.” she said, clearly referring to the affectionate gesture. “but i love you too.”

“i know i’ve been…reserved lately.” joohyun said, lips brushing over seulgi’s and she leaned in to press her lips firmer on hers. “let me make it up to you?”

seulgi blinked, and for a brief moment, joohyun worried that she had gone back to the wrong night- a night where seulgi wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want her to do this.

but then seulgi kissed her like there was no tomorrow, hands desperately tugging her closer and needy whines escaping from the simplest of touches.

“please.” seulgi breathed, “i’ve wanted this for so long.” she murmured and joohyun felt guilty for withholding her from pleasure for so long because of her own internal conflicts.

“i love you.” joohyun said again, “i want to be with you always.”

“me too.” seulgi said back. “stay with me forever joohyun. i love you.”

it wasn’t the first time seulgi had said that.

“i will.” joohyun kissed her and it wasn’t the first time she said that either. “i promise.” she whispered. “we’ll always be together.”

she held seulgi tightly until she fell asleep in her arms, her bare skin warm against hers and joohyun buried her face in seulgi’s hair, letting the tears quietly slip out.

she thought of the walk home with the sky losing its pink tint, the leaves on the tree losing its vibrant green, and she thought of the look in seulgi’s eyes losing the affection and warmth when they argued earlier.

she thought of their relationship losing the passion and excitement they used to have. the harmony, the loving acceptance, tolerance, and patience slowly being lost as time passed.

she knew she was only prolonging something that didn’t have a future. she knew she was desperately holding on to something because she was too afraid to let go of.

because she knew how it felt. she knew the pain of losing seulgi, the heartbreak of being without seulgi, and she couldn’t bear the thought of going through it again.

but it wasn’t fair. she had tried again and again. she had gone back time and time again to fix everything she could fix. what was she doing wrong?

she tried to make it work by doing everything seulgi wanted her to do. she tried alternate possibilities until she found the best one but somehow, it never worked in the end.

deja vu was nothing new to her, but she was so tired of trying when the result always ended like this.

was she and seulgi just not destined to be? joohyun never believed in destiny- not when she had the ability to change how things turned out. destiny was in her own hands; she could redo her own destiny until it was to her liking.

but if, after so many attempts and so many different timelines, they still couldn’t work out, was that a sign?

joohyun held seulgi closer and whispered ‘i love you’ to her, hoping that seulgi would hear it in her dreams, would feel how much she meant it.

joohyun meant what she said about wanting to be with her forever. for seulgi, she was willing to travel thousands of timelines and try thousands of possibilities just to stay with her.

she wasn’t ready to admit it or to face it. but she knew it was a matter of time before she couldn’t hold on to her anymore. and she knew that in the same way seasons change and time passes and leaves lose their colour, even her promises to seulgi about forever were losing meaning.

~

joohyun stole another glance at the prettiest girl in the world sitting by herself in the corner of the cafe.

“you know the only way she’ll know you exist is if you actually try to talk to her, right? not staring from afar like a creep.”

joohyun startled at the voice that was way too close to her, turning around to shoot sooyoung a glare. “shut up, i’m not talking to her.”

“why not?”

“because it’s weird.” joohyun said. “i’m not the type to make a move on anyone.”

“and that’s why you’re still single?” sooyoung pointed out, earning herself a scowl from the shorter girl. “how will you ever get someone you want if you don’t do anything about it?”

joohyun cleared , averting her gaze quickly when the girl looked up in their direction. “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” she said, taking a cloth to wipe the counter since there was nothing else to do.

“so do you think you can do nothing and wait for the universe to just bring you everything that is ‘meant to be’?” sooyoung quoted. “you don’t think that it’s at least partially your responsibility to take action for your own future?”

“well,” joohyun said, and she was saved from answering the question by a new customer arriving. sooyoung just rolled her eyes at joohyun’s avoidance, turning to get a new cup.

seulgi was a frequent customer at the cafe and joohyun had been infatuated since the first day she saw her. sooyoung agreed that seulgi was pretty and kind and everything good, but she wasn’t sure she understood what it was about her that had joohyun head over heels. maybe it was true love? soulmates? she didn’t even believe in those things.

but sooyoung had to admit, they would be cute together. seulgi was a little taller than joohyun (but who wasn’t?) and she had an outgoing but gentle vibe to her that complemented joohyun’s demure nature. she secretly hoped for them to get together, but with joohyun’s reluctance to make a move, it seemed unlikely.

after a week or so, just as sooyoung had given up on trying to convince joohyun to do anything about her little crush,

“i’m going to talk to her.”

“what?” sooyoung almost broke her neck turning to look at joohyun. “really?” she stared at her incredulously, doubting that this was really joohyun speaking. perhaps she had been possessed.

“yeah.” joohyun said with a determined glint in her eye and the iced vanilla latte with seulgi’s name in her hand. 

“what has gotten into you?” sooyoung asked. “why are you confident?”

joohyun shrugged, a small smile tugging on the corner of her lips. “it just doesn’t hurt to try, right?”

“yeah.” sooyoung said carefully, still convinced this was a prank or something. she watched warily as joohyun walked out from behind the counter, heading over to where seulgi sat reading a book in her usual spot. she was holding her breath, unable to believe this was really happening and now she understood the proud mom feeling that people always talked about.

joohyun had sounded confident in her decision, but the moment she got closer to seulgi, she felt her legs get shaky and her hand was trembling.

seulgi sensed her getting closer and she looked up, eyes locking with hers and joohyun was so nervous that she tripped over her own feet. she stumbled forward, the drink in her hand spilling and splashing over the table and seulgi’s shirt.

“oh my god.” seulgi said, looking down at her white t-shirt that was now stained.

“i-i’m so sorry.” joohyun panicked, eyes wide and the coffee still dripping down her hand.

sooyoung, who had witnessed the entire unfortunate scene, immediately snatched a cloth from the counter and she was by joohyun's side in record time. 

“hey, it’s okay.” she put a hand on joohyun’s shoulder, seeing how shaken she was from messing up her one and only chance to make a good impression on the girl she liked. “i’ll clean this-”

joohyun shook her head, suddenly turning and pushing past sooyoung to run to the back. “joohyun?” sooyoung called, alarmed by her sudden strange behaviour. it wasn’t like her to just run away from her responsibilities without explanation.

“i-i’m really sorry.” sooyoung said, turning back to seulgi who offered a small smile of consolation.

“it’s alright.” she said. “accidents happen.”

sooyoung looked behind her again, wondering if joohyun was getting a mop from the storage room or something but she wasn’t reappearing.

what on earth is she doing?

~

“i’m going to talk to her.”

“what?” sooyoung almost broke her neck turning to look at joohyun. “really?” she stared at her incredulously, doubting that this was really joohyun speaking. perhaps she had been possessed.

“yeah.” joohyun said, taking a deep breath. 

“what has gotten into you?” sooyoung asked. “why are you confident?”

joohyun shrugged. “wish me luck.”

“good luck.” sooyoung said, watching warily because this could be a prank. she watched joohyun walk over to seulgi’s table, snickering at how joohyun walked so slowly and carefully. she gave seulgi the drink, and instead of walking back, she stayed standing there and the two of them exchanged a few words. sooyoung was too far to hear, but she saw seulgi smiling and even laughing a little at something joohyun said.

when joohyun finally returned, sooyoung was almost leaping in joy. “how did it go?” she asked excitedly.

contrary to her expectation, joohyun looked unhappy and her eyebrows were pulled into a frown. “she didn’t seem very keen.”

“what? but i saw her smiling.”

“yeah, to be polite.” joohyun bit her lip, looking like she was thinking deeply about something. then, without another word she turned and walked to the back.

“joohyun?” sooyoung looked confused, hearing the door to the storage room shut. was she going to cry? she wondered.

~

“i’m going to talk to her.”

“what?” sooyoung almost broke her neck turning to look at joohyun. “really?” she stared at her incredulously, doubting that this was really joohyun speaking. perhaps she had been possessed.

“yeah.” joohyun said. 

“what has gotten into you?” sooyoung asked. “why are you confident?”

“i need your help.”

“with what?”

“what should i say or do?” joohyun asked.

sooyoung grinned. “you go up to her and you say: hey i like your shirt what material is it made of? and then she’ll say oh, um, cotton i think? and then you will be like: do you know what mine is made of? it’s made of girlfr-”

~

“i’m going to talk to her.”

“what?” sooyoung almost broke her neck turning to look at joohyun. “really?” she stared at her incredulously, doubting that this was really joohyun speaking. perhaps she had been possessed.

“yeah.” joohyun said.

“what has gotten into you?” sooyoung asked. “why are you confident?”

“anyway, do you think i should just give her my number?” joohyun asked. “it seems subtle and it’s not forceful because she can have the option of using it or throwing it away, i mean, do girls like that?”

sooyoung hummed. “some girls might hate it but some might like it.”

“that’s so helpful.” joohyun rolled her eyes, already taking out the pen from her apron to scribble onto her notepad. “i’ll just try it.” she mumbled and sooyoung raised an eyebrow.

“well, good luck.” she said. “i hope it works.” she said as joohyun walked over.

turns out seulgi didn’t like being hit on that way and sooyoung sympathetically patted a melancholic joohyun on the back as seulgi left the cafe.

~

“sooyoung.”

“yeah?” sooyoung turned to look at her and joohyun suppressed a smile at how she just saved sooyoung from having to almost break her neck.

“i’m going to talk to her.”

“really?” she stared at her incredulously, doubting that this was really joohyun speaking. perhaps she had been possessed.

“yeah.” joohyun said, taking a deep breath. she was holding the iced vanilla latte with seulgi’s name written on the side.

“what has-”

“gotten into me? why am i confident?” joohyun finished her sentence for her, sounding almost impatient.

“woah, how did you know what i was going to say?” sooyoung was amazed.

joohyun just lifted her shoulders.

“well, what are you going to say to her?” sooyoung asked.

joohyun hummed, thinking about the past dozen of attempts. “i’ll need to be confident but not arrogant. direct, but not forceful. i can’t try too hard to be funny, but i can’t be boring either. i think she likes it if i talk about the book she’s reading but she doesn’t like being asked too many personal questions; not for now at least. so i’ll stick to talking about books and maybe i’ll invite her to the bookfair that’s happening in the library next week.”

“that…” sooyoung blinked, finding it a little weird how much thought joohyun had put into this as if she knew exactly what seulgi wanted. “i mean, wow. yeah. do that.” she said.

“okay, wish me luck.” joohyun said, mustering a deep breath and smiling with a confidence that sooyoung had never seen before.

“good luck.” she uttered, watching her friend make her way over to the table. this didn’t feel like joohyun; was she really being possessed?

but when joohyun came back with a skip in her step, the widest grin on her face, and seulgi’s number written on her palm, sooyoung thought that this new joohyun wasn’t bad at all. at least she was finally getting what she wanted.

~

“10...9…8…”

joohyun glanced at seulgi, sharing a nervous smile and looked away to drink from her cup to cool down her warm cheeks. should she do it?

“7...6...5...4…”

she glanced at all the couples near her that were already holding onto each other, ready for their new year's kiss, but there were also a few single people (including her) at the party standing around awkwardly.

“3…”

her and seulgi were just friends and it hadn’t been that long since they started becoming friends. maybe it wasn’t right to make a move this quickly. seulgi might even feel uncomfortable if she kissed her.

“2...1!”

joohyun sighed into her cup, looking down awkwardly as the room erupted into cheers and the couples kissed and then out of the corner of her eye she saw one of the single guys who was friends with seulgi giving h