a.n. I’ll use all different names for the characters (real name/English name/nickname/stage name), it might get confusing so-

For reference: Barom / Rom / Christian / Ian ✵ Chaerin / Chae / Rin / CL ✵ Dabin / Live ✵ Scott / Rem

✵ ch.2 – changes.

「 ☽ Ian's POV」

“Promise me you know how to ride this thing”.

Chae approached me with uncertain steps.

“Just trust me”. I threw her way the extra helmet I kept in the saddlebag.

She hopped onto my motorcycle and immediately wrapped her hands around me.

“Chaerin? Are you scared by any chance?

I chuckled at her. No matter how fierce her celebrity image was, deep down she was a soft, scaredy-cat.

“I-Ian! Don’t make fun of me, ok? It’s just that I have never done this before”.

“What? You’ve never ridden a motorcycle?”.

She slowly grasped my shirt.

“Never…”.

“There’s always a first time so brace yourself miss”.

I suddenly pushed my foot on the accelerator.

“IAN!”.

Seoul city opened before our eyes, the bright neon and LEDs becoming flashes of color in the distance.

A rush of adrenaline kicked in my bloodstreams; riding my much-loved motorcycle was a way to escape – although shortly – from all my troubles.

She rested her head on my back, gently.

“You alright?!”. I shouted in the shy hope she’d hear my voice in the roaring of the vehicle.

Chae remained silent, only holding me closer to her.

I didn’t hesitate a second and took the road that brought us back to DPR’s studio and parked the motorcycle under the building.

“Oi… I didn’t wanna force you to do this, I’m sorry”. I hopped off after her.

Chae removed the black helmet and shook her head, making the silky silver hair fall over her shoulders.

“That was rad, let’s do it again sometime”.

She flashed her best smile at me, leaving my poor self completely smitten by her excitement.

“Oh, you guys went for a ride?”.

I turned around; Dabin was leaning beside the entrance door with both hands in his black hoodie front pocket, the brooding aura he emanated was quite unlike him.

“Yeah…”. I scratched the back of my head; the hint of tension in the atmosphere stiffened me.

“Man, take me with you next time!”. He cackled – his eyes disappearing in two small half-moons as he patted my back repeatedly. Dabin’s sudden mood switch took me so aback that I froze in place with a confused smile on my lips.

“You two are such lovebirds”. Chae wrapped her hands around both of us, embracing all three in a warm group hug.

“Yeah, my Ian-nie Hyung, come kiss me”.

“Oh, come here Dabin-i”.

“Get a room”. Chae rolled her eyes jokingly.

✵

“Ian”. Scott called for my attention, waving the pen he furiously kept clicking during the call.

“Huh?”.

“You spazzed out”.

“I’m just tired. What’s up?”. I ran my hand through my hair to fix the long lock hanging in front of my eyes.

“Their producer just told me on the phone…”, he heaved a long sigh, “they decided to cancel the shooting”.

“This too?”.

“Apparently”. Scott drowned his face in his palm in resignation.

“How the are we going to fund our projects if we keep going like this?”.

“Christian”, he moved closer to me with the swivel chair and rest his hand on my shoulder to, hopefully, reassure me. “I’ll find some other gig to keep us afloat”.

“This WAS the gig we needed to keep us afloat”. I stood up from my seat, abruptly pushing away his hand away from me.

Dabin barged into the recording room, “Did you guys hear the news? The producer just canceled the project”.

“We ALREADY ing know, Dabin”. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“What’s with this attitude man?”.

Scott glared at him and shook his head, silently begging him to refrain from responding anymore.

I reached for the leather jacket still plopped onto the chair and headed towards the exit door.

Dabin narrowed his eyes, “Where are you going?”.

“Home”.

“What?”.

Scott grabbed Dabin by his shoulder to stop him from coming after me, but I had already slammed the door before I could see his reaction.

“What the hell is wrong with him?”.

“He’s been like that all day, just leave him be”.

Their voices followed me through the hallways as I made my way out of the building.

✵

I gripped the handlebar some more, fighting the increasing tingling spreading in my palms and that slowly rode up my arms. I gripped it strong enough to make the last turn before stopping the motorcycle on a moist green patch at the side of the road, leading to the province. I sat beside the vehicle; the stars were roof for my tired body. The chilly night stung my skin with frozen needles.

I reached for air with my trembling hands, trying to grasp something that wasn’t there.

where are you…?

why is everything I built going to ?

The huge weight on my chest became heavier and heavier as if it wanted to drag my body underground and through hell. I knocked three times on my chest but the ache wouldn’t stop.

why am I so powerless?

why do I feel like drifting away?

A faint buzzing sound filled my ears in an instant becoming an agonizing strident noise in seconds.

✵

tic

tic

tic

The constant dripping of freezing water droplets woke me up from what felt like an endless slumber. My body immediately started to tremble as a result of my clothes being drenched wet.

The light made my eyes retire in darkness, I slowly tried to open them again to get used to the faint white glow.

It took me a minute to realize I was sitting against the glass wall of the shower. The water kept falling on my shoulder, drop by drop, relentlessly. Just like every little piece of bad news, every insignificant obstacle, every bad feeling I bottled had just exploded, drowning me. Drop by drop.

I crawled out of the shower, begging my legs to sustain my bloody self. I pressed my hand against the glass wall for support as I tried to finally stand up when a glimpse of crimson red made me immediately turn my head: my knuckles were bruised and sore.

“Who are you? I can’t even recognize you anymore”.

A strained voice echoed in my head as fuzzy images flashed before my eyes, chaotic, unrelated, tangled. I squeezed my eyes, mentally rewinding the events of yesterday evening but finding nothing.

I shook my head and proceeded to crawl out of the bathroom, leaving a wet path behind me like a snail.

I turned towards the living room, a song I didn’t know was playing louder and louder as I stepped towards the couch, where my laptop was.

“What’s this?”. I looked at the file’s name.

「 imalwaysnear.m4a」

“What is this?”. The sound of my voice suddenly appeared on the aggressive track, rough and strained. It sounded like me but it also felt like someone else’s.

“When did I record this?”. I mumbled, clicking on the file details to uncover the mystery.

“How come…”.

I squinted my eyes.

Created: Tuesday, October 27, 2020, 4:44 AM

“It must’ve been…me? Yesterday night?”.

I quickly patted the coffee table to find my phone amidst all the mess, its brightness instantly blinding me.

It was already noon, I had received several audio messages from Scott; He was probably mad at me for disappearing so out of the blue the other day.

I gathered the courage to get scolded and played all of them as I made my way towards the bedroom. I placed the phone on the nightstand and listen half-heartedly to Scott’s voice while I searched for a fresh new outfit.

“Ian… I don’t know how to say this. I know it’s been a rough couple of months for us… for you. But what happened yesterday with Dabin was truly alarming. I never made you a violent person. You know I love you man…whatever happens. Just know we’re here for you if you need to talk it out. I hope you’ll apologize to him when you’ll feel ready. He’s okay by the way, just a couple of bruises. Just call me when you feel like it”.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed a cut crossing through the bridge of my nose bridge and bruised cheek.