✵ ch.3 – blackout.

「 ☽ Ian's POV」

「 Ian, you’ve hid in your apartment for a week now, are you alright?」

「 Dude, we need you at the studio」

「 I’ll get your lazy myself, I ing swear」

I scrolled through the DPR group chat out of pure boredom, nothing more.

“450 missed messages, huh?”.

Quite a rare scenario, I was the person who usually spammed nonstop in our group chat, bothering the others.

I threw the phone over the coffee table in front of the leather couch where my body was laying, restless, completely drained. Like a stalled car I was stuck there, my limbs dangling down, almost touching the ground.

The sun splashing into a bundle of warm colours was a view I enjoyed quite a lot from my living room’s large windows. I almost refused to acknowledge how stunning that was just to keep lurking in the darkness, tucked away from any worry.

Defeat left such a bitter taste in my mouth. Our label was going through some rough times and I had abandoned the ship and retired in the comfort of my home for the time being.

I had felt strange ever since Chaerin left for LA. An eerie feeling stalked me each step I took, not allowing me any peace.

I looked over my shoulder, my home was completely trashed. Plastic bottles and takeaway boxes were scattered on the floor, my bed undone, all of the surfaces covered in dirty clothes used glasses. A crack house would’ve been 10 times more hospitable than my apartment.

Maybe it was Chae’s sudden departure or maybe I was just exhausted by the useless amount of editing I did for some - now cancelled - DPR projects. A lethal mix of both certainly put me at my knees when it came to my psychological and physical health.

Overworking was my way to keep my mind busy and forcefully kick out any thought regarding her absence. It worked for a while until that day. The blackout.

I could sense a growing tension that took over me the moment I got into a fight with Dabin.

I couldn’t believe I had let myself get into those conditions. I was forced to contain my rage and melancholy inside the walls of my house; it was the only way to protect the people around me from my mood swings and irritability and, ultimately rest for a bit. I felt like .

With the last ounce of strength in me, I dragged my body over to the bathroom.

The mirror’s image told me that wasn’t me. That wasn’t Ian. Ian wouldn’t go into hiding in times of need. Ian wouldn’t get into violent fights. He wouldn’t disrespect his friends. That was the worst version of Ian. The scruffy looking hair, the unshaven face, the deep dark under eyes sitting under those dim eyes, the healing bruises on the cheek. I despised what I saw.

weak.

A deep voice started echoing in my head suddenly.

you’re pathetic.

ing look at yourself.

you look like .

I firmly held my head between my hands, my brain felt like imploding in that instant. My hands started trembling out of control. I watched them twitch like crazy, completely powerless over them.

The more I tried to make up the details of my face in the reflection, the blurrier the vision in front of me became.

“… not again”.

✵

I woke up, strangled by the warmth of my dirty sheets. The stank of cigarettes and whisky choke me, almost making me gag.

“I need to change these”. I immediately thought to myself as I shoved them away from my body.

That persistent headache finally ceased to bother me; its intensity was nothing compared to the one I had the night before.

I slowly turned my head to the right, the blinds cut through the sunlight, just letting a couple of rays penetrate in the dark room as the day was breaking in.

I followed one of the gleams until it hit on tan bare skin.  Someone was lying on the other side of my bed.

“Wh-“.

A woman with platinum hair cascading on her pale face was still fast asleep beside me.  

I flinched at the sight of her unfamiliar features and covered my mouth to prevent myself from waking her up.

“Who is this person?” - I thought to myself, as I panicked to get out of bed. I needed to wrap my head around what was happening.

I desperately tried to cling onto the blurry, fleeting memories that vanished in the distance the more I tried to recall them. That now familiar feeling of loss slowly ate away every bit of my sanity.

how did this person end up in my house?

and in my bedroom?

did we…?

I would not hook up with random people. I just wasn’t that type of person.

I was definitely too old for that stuff and yet- a woman I didn’t recognize was in my bed.

I just couldn’t resolve the mystery as to where I had possibly met her, I could swear I didn’t step out of my house all week for the fear of hurting someone else. No matter how hard I tried to put together the clues around me, the puzzle was missing too many pieces.

maybe she just walked to my place.

what if I downloaded a dating app?

I frantically looked for my phone under the pillows, the bedsheets, in the drawers of the nightstand. With my face squished against the cold floor, I scanned under the bed only to find a pile of random clothes that I then started to go through.

bingo.

There it was, buried under the mountain of dirty garments. I immediately searched for any dating app or messages on my phone to confirm my theory and prove myself I wasn’t actually crazy but to no avail. Of that sort of thing, not a trace.

“Good morning”.

The woman wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear with her raspy morning voice.

I froze in place, my mind going completely blank. Having that huge blackout of events didn’t give me any peace but It wasn’t the time to play detective. I had a complete stranger in my bedroom.

“G-good morning”. I forced myself to greet her with a confused smile.

She kneeled to get her stuff from the pile of clothes that stood up at my feet and started dressing up. I immediately turned around in shame at the sight of her body, my ears were burning red.

“Why are you so shy all of a sudden, oppa?”.

✵

“Come on, don’t be shy oppa!”.

Chae gently pushed a bowl of rice towards the other side of the table, where I was sitting.

“Just eat to your heart’s content”. She flashed her usual bright smile.

“If I'll find myself at the hospital for food intoxication, I will make your name Chae”.

I pointed at the chef with the spoon in my hand and chuckled, I just loved teasing her.

“Don’t be ungrateful and just eat, will ya?”. She pretended to be offended, crossing her arms and such. It was so obvious that she was anxiously waiting for my critique.

Without further ado, I picked a spoonful of fried rice and started munching with no particular expectations. Not because I expected her to be a bad cook, I just didn’t want to put my expectations too high only to be left disappointed.

An explosion of flavours mixed and popped in my mouth. The aroma brought me back to when I was a child and my mom used to cook me a simple fried rice dish before leaving to work. Chae’s cooking felt like home.

I slowly nodded my head in satisfaction and my lips.

“It’s… meh-…alright”. I again.

“Alright?! Spit what you ate, this instant!”. Chae threatened me with the wooden spoon she just picked up from the table to hit me on the arm.

“CHAE, OUCH, IT HURTS” - I hurriedly took another spoonful and immediately stood up from my seat, fleeing toward the hallway of her apartment.

“COME BACK, YOU IDIOT!”. She chuckled.

✵

The annoyingly loud sound of the intercom made me snap back to reality.

“Hello? You okay? Someone is outside the door”.

The platinum-haired girl waved her hand in front of me to make sure I was listening to her, which I wasn’t until that moment.

I shook my head and sprinted towards the door.

“Come on man, don’t make me buzz for another 5 minutes”. I heard Scott’s stern, yet familiar voice.

I opened the door to find him and Cream on my doorstep, a dead-serious expression plastered on both of their faces. They made their way into my apartment before I could say anything.

“Wait guys I-“.

“Dude, you look like ”, Cream exhorted, putting his hands at his sides.

Scott looked around my living room, his expression was distorted by a mix of disgust and disappointment as if he walked into a true crime scene.

“What’s up with this Ian? When did you start to smoke legit cigarettes?”.

“Me? You know I don’t smo-“.

He picked an ashtray stacked with cigarette butts from the coffee table and looked back at me with frustration.

“Where does that come from…?”, I muttered under my breath, surprised by the presence of that object in my home.

Cream carefully walked towards the kitchen, almost stumbling in some empty beer cans, “This is so depressing man”, He inspected the empty bottle of what looked like Jack Daniel’s on the messy kitchen counter.

“When did I drink that? Wait guys- “.

“Whoa Ian, are you not going to introduce us to your girl?”.

I widened my eyes at the sight of her; I had forgotten about the stranger in my bedroom for a hot minute.

“She’s…”.

 A drip of cold sweat dribbled down my forehead as I panicked to recall that person’s name; my mind could only crash into a blank wall.

I paused for an awful lot of time until she interrupted me.

“The nerve! How come you can’t even remember my name? After last night…You know what Mito? You’re a jerk”.

“W-what?...”.

An explosion of pain spread in my left cheek as she slapped me. She then marched directly out of the door, showing me her middle finger as I held my face in agony.

“Man…”, Scott sighed, “I see you’ve been keeping yourself busy lately…”. He pushed aside the stuff occupying the seating surface of the couch and made space for himself.

“Did she just call you Mito? Ian? Are you into roleplaying?”, Cream asked letting out a small laugh.

“Into what?...”.

 “Nevermind”. He heaved a deep sigh and slowly walked towards me, avoiding the trash on the floor like an obstacle course.

I just kept silent. I couldn’t throw a fit again just because I was so burned that I had a complete blackout. I just couldn’t.

“We left you alone for just a week and you managed to turn your pretty apartment into a dumpster”.

“y-yeah…”.

“And the girl? You never told me about that pretty blonde girl, did you? Ian you rascal”. Cream grinned, with a proud smile.

“I- I met her recently I guess…”. I lied, not knowing how to justify myself.

Pushing onto his thighs for support, Scott stood up from his seat, “Ian… I know It’s not the best of times for us right now… but hang in there, okay? We’ll get on our feet soon, we do need you though”, He shook my shoulders to make sure I listened to him.

“Yeah sure…”. I just kept nodding.

“You still haven’t talked with Dabin, did you?”.

“I haven’t”. I looked down at the mess in the living room, attempting to avoid his inquisitorial gaze.

A raw and unfamiliar beat started playing out of the blue, interrupting Scott’s soon to be scolding.

“Look, Scott, Ian actually worked on something”. He redirected his attention towards me with a satisfied smile on his lips.

Scott raised his eyebrow and looked over the laptop, “Have you?”, his eyes went back to me.

“This? No-”

The strained vocals on the track suddenly became an unsettling background to the messed-up scenario.

again?

 Scott’s scrutinizing gaze felt like a heavy blanket over my body. I could sense the abrupt change of atmosphere, the growing distance between the two of us, the distrust.

“Well, that’s your voice, Ian. If not you, who did?”, he smacked his lips.

Cream kept looking around my laptop, “This demo is very aggressive, it’s quite unlike you”, he exhorted.

“I-”.

“I like it, It has character, It’s something different from what you usually write”.

I dashed towards the computer to verify myself.

 「 maybeittookover.m4a」 

“It happened again huh…”. I murmured under my breath. That was the second time an unknown track appeared on my desktop out of the blue.

“Ian? Are you ok? You’re spacing out- like a lot”, Cream tilted his head at me, “Wait, are you high?”.

“N-no, I’m just really really really tired, that’s all…”.

Scott took a short trip to the bathroom only to throw a towel on my head.

“Wash up, we’re taking you to get a breath of fresh air”.

✵

“Christian…?”.

Her disgruntled expression just couldn’t hide her shock, and how could I blame her? At her feet stood a week of chaos and basking in despair, the turmoil made my studio unrecognizable to the eyes of whoever wasn’t me.

She didn’t question me further  and immediately picked up the empty bottles scattered on the floor.

“Can you give me a hand?”, she let through a meek smile as she shook a brown bottle of Asahi.

I stood up from the floor, my vision getting fuzzy as I helplessly staggered through the living room before falling on my side.

“Barom! Are you okay? Answer me!”. She kneeled beside me and shook my shoulders, just before my vision turned to black.

“He must be exhausted”.

“I’m sorry I had to call you, Dabin”.

“It was an emergency, I had to come. Don’t worry about that”.

I wondered why waking up had become such a painful surprise.

I rubbed my eyes with a hand and slowly stood up letting out a heavy sigh.

“Well, the prince is up!”, I was welcomed to my senses by Dabin’s half-smile.

Chaerin was crouching beside him, her shoulders rose slightly as she let out a gentle sigh of relief.

Her eyes were colored in the sweetest shade of hazelnut. Her presence felt like home.

✵

I looked at the mess in my apartment one last time before closing the door behind me. Maybe I hoped for her to come back and help me tidy up just like she did at that time at the studio.

 What a fool.

I had yet to learn how to get up without her.

“Ian, move your !”.