Hi 'polaris' readers! Hope you are all doing well.

You might have noticed that It's been a while since I last updated this fic.

The inevitable happened and I realized that I'd been too ambitious. This story holds such a special place in my heart, which is why I'm having a hard time updating constantly, fully knowing my rushed writing doesn't do justice to what the story once was. I feel like my writing skills have dropped significantly because of my lack of practice, reading, time and inspiration. Life often gets in the middle and I'm lacking the time to sit down and properly think about this.

I wrote and wrote, I have a bunch of drafts sitting in my laptop but none of them satisfy me.

I tried rethinking it, considering a full rewrite but I'm still unsure whether it is the right thing.

I wanted to include such important matters in this: the theme of identity, acceptance and love, but I feel like this is all too big for my humble skills. 

Maybe I just need some time off, maybe I need some inspiration. I'll always be grateful for all the kind and encouraging comments. 

I know one day I'll be ready to get my hands on this again and craft the narrative I originally wanted for it.

To thank you for your attention I'll leave you some interesting facts about the birth of 'polaris' and a random draft dump.

• @m2mbiases helped me choose the title for this story. Polaris is just another name for the North Star, the brightest of its constellation. Historically, it has been used to aid navigation because of its position and the fact it can be seen with the eye. In this story, Chaerin is Christian’s polaris. His reference point when he loses himself. She’s so bright she shows up in his darkness to guide him.
• Originally, Chaerin’s past lover should’ve been Dara. She had been rejected because Dara sees her just as a friend. I wanted to mirror Ian’s unrequited feelings. My friend brought to the table the idea of having Jiyong and I figured out it opened room to explore more of her past relationship, so I kept him. I’m sorry for always making Ji the womanizer in my stories.
• I took a lot of inspiration from a vast array of songs, the album “Moodswings In This Order” by DPR IAN in particular.  In fact every chapter has a song it takes from. Ch-1 'gone' is inspired by “Too Much Love Kills Me” by and “If I Were You” by 2NE1.  Ch.4 'I’m doing fine' is inspired by “Nerves” by DPR IAN and “Why’d you only call me when you’re high” by Arctic Monkeys.
• I actually heard the demo of 'NERVES'  in one of his lives and the words captured my attention and immediately made me imagine the scenes of that chapter. Imagine my joy when I found out he released that exact song in MITO!
• I had planned for 6 chapters only, I wanted it to be brief, a flash of memories and happenings intertwining But I got a bit carried away because I aimed at deepening the sorrow of the protagonists, sorry! Haha
• There’s a chance I might rewrite this, I feel like new ideas came up as I continued writing and that opened a lot of plot holes and inconsistency
• Originally, Mito was the antagonist that wanted to take over Ian exploiting his love for Chaerin. The plot seemed compelling but I really wanted to convey the message behind Ian’s album. Acceptance and balance. That’s the theme that brings the two protagonists together. The battle between dual identities that clash together.
• A huge shoutout to my friend Yen for being such an inspiration for the story.
• I had planned a bad ending and a true ending right from the start.

Random bits and pieces from my drafts:

I quietly made my way beside her, admiring her figure leaning on the rail of the large terrace.

She turned to look at me in silence,

“Why are you looking at me like that?”, I whined, feeling scrutinized.

“I haven’t seen your stupid face in 9 months, why are you being so annoying?”, she chuckled.

“What brings you out here miss? The party is inside”.

“The view from here is really pretty”.

The corners of my mouth naturally turned up at the sound of her giggle.

“You let your hair grow as you promised I see”.

[...]

I always found myself on the cusp of kissing her but never went through with it, I could inhale the rose-y perfume she wore on her neck.,

“ it”.

I caressed her cheek as I slowly leaned in.

I always knew.

A lot of happens after the kiss.

I clutched my chest, air seemed to leave my lungs as I kept looking powerless at Dabin’s distorted figure. Blood kept dripping from the side of his mouth, but he kept talking as if nothing happened.

The table trembled under me, the fingers flinched uncontrollably like they weren’t part of my own hands.

“Are you okay Ian?”.

I slammed the palm on the surface, halting the trembling.

“Y-yeah. I’ll quickly go to the bathroom”.

Dr. Kim’s words suddenly felt devoid of any meaning. Where was the progress if I constantly felt his presence behind my back?

“What’s wrong with me? Why do You keep doing this? Just stop”. I pleaded at the distorted image in the mirror.

I hastily swallowed the pearlescent pills, praying they’d work just like last time in hushing him, even if for just a bit. That was the one-way ticket for a few moments of serenity.

“The sauce they make here is so damn good, you were right Ian!”.

“Right? I told you so—“, I quickly hid the pills in my pocket,

My hand automatically hid the medications in the pocket as soon as I heard the restroom door opening, like a nervous habit I developed.

Our gazed met followed by what seemed like an interminable silence.

“Dabin I-...”.

“I knew it”, he scoffed.

“And there I was asking you to take care of her when I wasn’t around. You thought I wouldn’t tell right? We’re friends Ian. I always know what’s up with you. You didn’t even have the guts to tell me you liked her too... I always told myself, ‘maybe i’m being paranoid’, I tried to believe you Ian! I don’t care if we have feelings for the same person, I thought you were my friend! Are you going to spit her out just like you did with the others?”.

「✵ Chaerin’s POV」

No matter how many times I travelled that barely lit street, I never got sick of it.

I promised myself I wouldn’t pursue people but there I was, impatiently waiting under your house for a sign of your return, my vigil eyes on the look for the blue light of your home studio, the loud sound of some of your guitar riffs or your silhouette In the big windows of the living room. Just sign of your return, any.

Blinding lights welcomed me everywhere I went, I had people screaming my name with pride. I finally got the recognition I desired for so long and yet, and yet, I found myself spending nights just to think about you.

[...]

“Is Christian back yet?”.

“Unfortunately no, Chaerin”.

I can’t lie, I had gone through your studio without your permission.

I sat on the couch put against the wall, in my favourite spot, remember?

I rested my chin on my palm, getting comfortable as always. I could see you, still there on that stupid old desk chair I told you one hundred times to throw away. It hurt your back every time.

“This is not a simple chair, it has emotional value!”, you used to remind me every time.

“Idiot”, I scoffed, instantly remembering the foolish smile on your face when Scott told you to keep it. 

I sat in that very spot, I already felt my spine ache.

“I can’t believe Scott let him keep it, it’s horrible”.

I flinched before turning my head towards the door.

“Dabin?...”.

“I miss him too, believe me”, he leaned on the doorpost.

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home”.

“I need you to drop me somewhere”.

“I’m leaving for LA tomorrow morning, only god knows how long they’ll make me stay there this time. Can we please just talk?”,

She pleaded, running the palm of her hand on the wooden door separating them.

“Please, just please. Tell me something”.

 Chaerin’s voice died at the back of , desperate to hold back the tears forming on her cheeks. Her begs and cries met a wall of silence.

Thank you for following 'polaris', I hope to see you soon!