The rush.

The one that makes you wish you had three or four copies of you running around to get all finished. 

The one that makes you live three completely different lives in the span of one.

A rush so good it reminds you how good it is to inhale the icy winter air until it stings your lungs.

I fed off of that rush, wondering if it would last.

✵ ch. 6 – maybe it took over.

「 ☾ Ian's? POV」

I finally took time to admire the everchanging colours of the sky: the warm sunrise that scanned time gradually became a pale shade of purple.

Routinely morning runs made me immune to the frigid November weather.

Nothing was better than clearing my thoughts with the view of the deserted shores of Han River, a feeling only rivalled by a motorbike ride.

I’ve always thought that being too busy was better than having too much time to overthink.

I brushed my hair up with my fingers to improve my focus. They had reached the point in which they almost became a hassle. I had almost convinced myself to cut them, just like some girls do after a breakup, but somehow it felt right to keep.

On a thin balance between peace and adrenaline, the oxymoron between the two statuses just made sense to me. That’s what I was on for a month.

Once on a streak, nothing could stop me.

I was high on life.

✵ ✵ ✵

“You’re early today too!”, Cream shouted from the studio entrance.

Admittedly, the neon yellow running shoes lying at the front door immediately gave out my presence.

Quietly, he took place beside me, curiosity getting the best out of him as he spied on the open project on my monitor.

“Put them on, I worked on this piece last night”, I handed him the black headphones as I checked the workspace one last time before playing the track.

With melody and lyrics already engraved in my brain, I limited myself to analyzing Cream’s subtle change in expressions, trying to get the most subtle hints of feedback.

His head surfed on the rhythm, not skipping a beat, proving again, how much of a musical genius he was.

“This is the song that gave you a hard time for months, right?”.

“That’s her”, I replied.

“I almost failed to recognize it, it’s been a long time. Didn’t think you’d manage to complete it, you’re finally out of your slump I se-“, Cream bit his lower lip, realizing he should’ve cut himself off sooner.

He perfectly knew how sensitive I was when talking about the creative block I suffered upon our return from Santorini.

“Well…Ian, that’s crazy good”, he removed the headphones from his ears, clearing his voice to dilute the slight tension in the air.

“What if we added an orchestra part, here and here”, I pointed out at the track timeline on the bright screen.

A firm knock stopped the creative flow that was about to be freed in the humble little studio.

Scott’s familiar figure appeared behind the tinted glass door.

“Sorry to bother you guys. The clients are here”.

✵ 

“Now, we could include some flashes of colours between this scene and the pool one to give more visual interest. Blue represents solitude and red expresses the passionate memories of him and his lovers”, I walked back and forth in front of the large slideshow projected on the wall behind me.

“That’s interesting. Keep developing the storyboard with this logic in mind then. We’ll brief next week to get started on the production If you agree”.

The lights and the client representative gave us a gentle nod before exiting the conference room.

Scott appeared in the corner of my eye with a pleased grin plastered on his face.

“Believe it or not but they’ve rejected all of our inputs before you took on the project”, he started to gather and organize the various storyboards scattered around the long white conference table.

I glanced at him, reactionless.

“Well done Ian, that’s what I meant”.

✵ ✵ ✵

Things finally seemed to fall in place before my eyes.

The flashes and memories of the old Ian had to be just that, fleeting visions I soon planned to remove.

A cage. The four walls I called home became that, a place I was constantly reminded of the old me.

The Christian who’s a loser, who’s weak, who relies on others to stay afloat.

That’s why I tried to stay out of it whenever I could.

“What a useless er”.

I locked him in the past, dissociating myself from his failure and feeding onto the pity I felt for him to strive further.

✵✵✵

The pub’s invasive music had started to sound a bit like white noise.

Somehow, I managed to escape to a safe haven, the nasty bathroom at the back of the pub.

I washed my face in front of the yellow tinted mirror. There, a proud grin plastered on my lips I just couldn’t remove. Satisfaction took the form of a proud unremovable smirk on my lips.

But something was missing. The night would’ve been wasted having to drag Cream home.

The dimples behind her back became a constant image at the back of my brain like an intrusive thought.

[you]

You up? 

I wanna see you.

I had to admit, seeing my messages pile up one on top of another without reply hurt my ego, just a little.

“Ian, come here! Get your shot, quick”, Dabin nudged at me, taking me back to the table’s conversation.

“To DPR’s rise from ashes!”, Scott raised a toast and we followed closely, loud glass clinking left and right.

By surprise, I felt his hand wrapping around my shoulder, as a comradery gesture.

“I want to personally thank Christian for working extra hard, I’m grateful a great mind like you is on our team. It’s great to have you back”.

“Yes!”. “Well done!”.  “You’re the man Ian!”.

 A choir of unanimous agreement rose up. I was surrounded by genuine smiles and validation.

The bitter liquor went down smoothly like water, I posed the shot glass onto the mahogany counter.

“Have you guys heard from Chae?”. Scott’s seemingly harmless question completely changed the direction of the conversation.

“I haven’t heard from her since our trip in Greece”, Dabin was the first to answer.

Scott slid his phone across the table, the bold title of the article took up one third of the bright screen.

“CL CONFIRMS DEPARTURE FROM ** ENTERTAINMENT”.

I immediately thought about the calls I ignored with such ease and shut my lips tight.

“I’m sure she left for LA so urgently to have one last fighting chance”, the expression under Scott’s baseball cap darkened.

“She must be devastated…”.

“I’ll get going guys”, I announced.

“You always leave when things just get started…”, Cream whined.

“Is it because of diner girl?”.

Dabin paused for a second, waiting for the reaction he hoped to cause.

The imperceptible grin under my wisp couldn’t escape his vigil eyes.

He continued, “It is! Yeah guys, leave him celebrate in his girl’s warm embrace!”.

I made my way out in the middle of the mixed reactions Dabin provoked.

✵

The first signs of intoxication appeared with the wobbly sidewalk under my feet.

“Damn, you look rough”.

“Oh, do I?”, I raised an eyebrow at the girl sitting on the sidewalk, just a couple of feet further from me.

To me, it seemed like she didn’t lift her eyes from me once since I crossed the exit doors of the place.

“Want water? You look like someone who might need some”.

“Thanks”.

Disheartened, I lit the cigarette between my lips as I waited for the girl with green sheets to reply.

“Hey!”, the girl with the striped sweater called for my attention, miming an ignited lighter as she kept the filter of the cigarette she was rolling in the corner of .

“Here, sure”. My throw was destined to miss the target, which was her hand forming a cup.

Like a volley player, she threw herself all the way towards the flying object, risking having the cold pavement as a safety net.

“Nice throw dude”, she mocked me before huffing.

I glanced again at the phone for the last time.

“Dude, she’s not into you. Cheer up, there’s no reason to be sad for a girl”.

My lack of reaction probably prompted her to change subject.

“I’m keeping this, by the way. Seems like a fair exchange to me”.

“Fair exchange? For that sip of water?”.

“Actually, it’s unfair. You needed the water waay more than I need this lighter”.

A more than satisfied grin made an appearance on her smug face, causing me to scoff.

“Ian? I thought you were gone”.

Dabin’s red beanie entered my vision as I turned towards the entrance.

“I’m going over to my friends, nice to meet you, Ian”, she shook the metal zippo, to mock me again before getting swallowed into the young crowd in front of the venue.

Dabin quietly peered at the lighter thief and subtly tilted his head on the side, as if in deep thought.

“I swear I’ve seen her before…”, he mumbled.

He sat at my feet, on the cold sidewalk. A small cloud of vapor rose as he softly coughed and rubbed his hand together to fight November’s night breeze.

“Do you still remember when we used to dance in the middle of the street?”.

“How can I forget that Dabin…”.

“I used to be such a dumb kid who just moved to Korea. I knew nobody. I felt so lonely”.

“Dabin…”.

“Thank you for being there for me”.

✵✵✵

The ticking kept going on, mentally keeping me on my toes despite my relaxed appearance.

My throat choked up on the stagnant air of scrapped ideas and rejected drafts.

“What are you doing here at this hour?”

Scott struck me with a look of disapproval, but beneath it lied a hint of concern.

“You’re kind of worrying me, Christian. It’s like you don’t go home to sleep anymore”, he continued.

“I just can’t seem to satisfy those motherers”. I finally replied to him.

“I told you, let’s see it together first thing in the morning”, he carefully approached me.

“No. I have to finish this”, my body shielded the monitor from Rem’s advance.

“What you really HAVE to do, is get some sleep. Come on, I’ll drive you home”.

“YOU CAN’T ING UNDERSTAND”.

Red streaks filled my vision, and as I blinked away, I saw it.

My hand had Scott’s collar in a grip.

“What? Are you going to punch me just like you did with Dabin? Go on. Do so. I won’t simply let it slide as he did”.

I smashed him against the window cabinet, the same cabinet we so painstakingly filled with meaningful props, proofs of our achievements as a team.

Everything crashed down disastrously, years of joy and disappointment buried under the broken shards, now tinted with crimson red.

His body dropped heavily as soon as I released the painful grip.

“Just… who are you? I can’t even recognize you Ian”, he didn’t dare look at me.

The answer lied between the glass fragments at my feet; a glimpse of my broken reflection was enough to finally realize it.

“I’m not him”.

I slumped against the door, holding the broken bearbrick the DPR guys and Chaerin gifted me for Christmas in my bruised hands.

“What If I go back to the old me tomorrow, what if I leave you on your own again? What If I become useless?”, my nervous fingers let go of the wrecked gift.

“Ian...let’s go home”, Scott implored in between painful groans.

 I need to finish that before I…”, I stood up and staggered towards the blurry light of the monitor.

“BAROM? REPLY TO ME! OPEN YOUR EYES, COME ON! DON'T LEAVE ME”.

I still can’t seem to remember exactly what happened after the loud thud.

No matter how much I tried to forget you in the past six months.

I just know that as my eyes filled with darkness, I followed a light.

And that light was you, Chaerin-i.

✵

A high only feels good when it doesn’t last long. Elated, you’re on top of the world. You’re capable of everything.

Then comes the aftermath.

With no warning, the very thing that brought you up so high, drops you into the pits of Earth.

Good luck coming out of it.

a.n. It took me long enough but it’s here. I must say that the biggest enemy I faced was myself. And although it isn’t coming out as I wished at the very start, I learned to appreciate this fic, with all its flaws and pretty words. This chapter in particular had three or four different drafts that absolutely crushed me. Haha

Hope you like it!