The next week passed by in what seemed like a blur. Youra spent most of her time with Taehyung, getting to know him better and starting to understand who he was as a person. He had even introduced her to some of his friends, including Park Jimin who immediately gaped on recognising her before chasing Taehyung and accusing him of betrayal.

She could see now in depth why the two of them were so close. They complimented each other, baritone and high pitch. And they seemed to have a mutual understanding of each other that reminded her a lot of her and Mark, when they were still talking.

She no longer felt guilt when she thought of him, rather she felt a longing for things to go back to the way they were. She wanted to be able to have steady flowing conversations with him just like Tae and Jimin did.

There was this overflowing sense of nostalgia in her, but for once she didn’t have a bitter connotation with it.

Maybe it was because this had been the happiest she had been in a really long time. She was meeting new people, hanging out with old acquaintances like Yoongi and best of all, she was spending time with Taehyung.

Right now, she was seated on the couch of Yoongi’s little apartment next to his girlfriend, who funnily enough turned out to be Eun-byul.

Youra had never imagined sitting next to her and talking about a topic that was not somehow related to Jackson after all these years, but this was a nice change. And she was glad to see one of her former friends happy again, that too with Yoongi.

“So how’d you two get together?” Youra asked as she leaned back into the couch.

Eun-byul looked at her boyfriend who was shouting as he was playing on the PS4 with Jin, another one of Taehyung’s friends, before looking back at her.

“I went to one of his basketball matches a few months ago. We immediately recognised each other, I mean our friend circles were sort of mixed, you and me were friends in high school, and you were friends with Namjoon who happened to be Taehyung’s brother and Yoongi’s friend. We got to talking after the match and he asked me if I wanted to maybe get lunch sometime and well, the rest is history.”

“That’s sweet, I’m glad you moved on after Jackson.”

“I know you’re still friends with Jackson, so no offence but me too.” Eun-byul winked as the two of them giggled.

Youra she realised then that she had missed having a female friend in her life, especially Eun-byul who was her only female friend at one point. After high school, it was like she was surrounded by guys, she rarely ever made female friends.

She made a mental note to try and make new friends that weren’t guys.

“So how did you and Taehyung get together? I heard he’s like two years younger than you.”

Youra grimaced. She didn’t really like dwelling on the between her and Taehyung. It made her a bit antsy.

All her life, Youra had grown up thinking that her ideal guy would be someone older than her, someone who was a bit more sensible in nature. She liked to think that he would be able to balance out her outgoing nature and how loud she was.

She also liked to think that she was a little old fashioned like that.

Not that she had a problem with women being older than her boyfriends or anything, that was far from the truth, but whenever she thought about the between her and Taehyung, she felt like she was somewhat fighting against her principles, the things that made her, well her.

Taehyung on the other hand was the type of guy who believed love had no age, he was willing to be date anyone regardless their age as long as he liked them.

He reminded her of her sister in that sense.

“Namjoon introduced us actually. He wanted me to keep Tae company while he was here in Seoul alone. I don’t know why he asked though, he seems just fine to me with you guys.” She quipped as she looked at Taehyung who was laughing about something with Jimin, their chase apparently long forgotten.

Eun-byul chuckled. “Yeah, but he seems much happier nowadays. It’s like you bring out the best in him.”

“Funny, he said that too.”

She shrugged. “Well maybe it’s true then.”

“Youra-ssi, are you any good at Fifa?” Jin asked from across the room before glaring at Yoongi who was celebrating his second victory. “I wanna wipe that smug smirk off his face.”

She reached out her hand and Jin tossed her the controller. She swiftly caught it and sat next to Yoongi on the beanbag Jin was sitting on. She looked at him and smirked. “Oh you’re going down, Min Suga.”

“We’ll see about that, Choi-ssi.” Yoongi turned towards the TV and pressed start.

-

“How the hell do you do it? You’re on a harder level than me and yet you still managed to win, thrice!” Yoongi whined before making his way over to his girlfriend and leaning on her shoulder. Eun-byul patted his cheek in understanding but was secretly trying to stifle a laugh.

Youra shrugged before sitting next to Taehyung who immediately wrapped his arm around her. “Mark and Jackson loved playing video games and we’re all hella competitive.”

“Oh really? So who used to win from the three of you?” Jin asked as he looked up from his phone.

“Who do you think, Jin-ssi?”

“Looks like V hyung’s got himself one hell of a girlfriend.” Jungkook quipped before getting hit on the head by Taehyung. “What? I was just praising noona.” He looked at Youra. “You don’t mind me calling you that, do you?”

Echoes of BamBam and Yugyeom calling her noona rang through her head. She sometimes felt bad for not explaining herself to them, she was basically telling them to against the Korean hierarchical system, something they had grown up with and they had no idea why.

But at the same time, she didn’t wanna explain why she didn’t like hearing that word, it was too personal, and too unique to explain.

 It was conflicting, wanting people to feel at ease with her, be able to call her ‘noona’ if they wanted to but also trying not to dwell on her own noona in the process.

Who would have thought a simple choice to be unique would make things so hard for her?

“Um sure, if you want to but I prefer being called just Youra.”

“Youra noona has a nice ring to it.” Jungkook sighed and leaned back into the couch. “When am I going to get a girlfriend?”

Jimin threw a pillow at him. “Yah, learn how to be a good boyfriend first.”

“Oh yeah? I don’t see a girl sitting next to you, hyung.”

“Come here, you little brat!” Jimin grabbed Jungkook and put him in an arm lock, making everyone laugh. “I’m two years older than you, you hear?”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve eaten 2,130 more bowls of rice than me, we get it.” Jungkook swiftly moved out of Jimin’s hold and sat next to Jin just as Jimin was about to smack him on the head.

Everyone in the room laughed except Youra. She smiled and looked at her hands on her lap, inside jokes are only fun when you understand them, not when they’re being said to someone who doesn’t know them.

It was weird, she had never felt this way before. All her life, she was the one accumulating inside jokes, she was the one who would give her friends a knowing look before bursting out into laughter with them.

She hadn’t really been on the other side of the spectrum.

She felt somewhat out of place.

“It’s this long running joke in our group where Jimin once complained that Jungkook didn’t really treat him like he was older than him, so in a fit of anger he screamed that he had had 2,130 more bowls of rice than him.” Taehyung whispered into Youra’s ear, playing with her fingers as he did. “Don’t worry, pretty soon you’ll have your own inside jokes with everyone.”

Youra squeezed his fingers and smiled at him. It was like he could read her mind. She kissed him on the cheek before laughing at everyone’s reaction of groans and complaints to keep the PDA down.

She really hoped that she could finally be able to fit in one day.

-

August 1st.

Now there was a date she would never forget.

She woke up feeling drained, as though it was an omen for the rest of the day. Like God was trying to warn her.

Thanks God, but I think you’re a bit too late to the party. I already got the invitation.

She ran a hand through her tangled hair and sighed.

Was this what her life had come to? Waking up, looking at dates and feeling such a heavy weight on her chest like someone was trying to see how long she’d last.

When often times, she just didn’t want to last.

It would be easier to just let herself go, then maybe she could join her sister and finally understand why she had chosen to leave her behind.

Maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.

But then reality kicks in, and she feels the need to prove to herself and everyone around her that she could do this, whatever ‘this’ meant.

Besides, she couldn’t bear the guilt that would come along with her passing, all the people in her life who she knew loved her, she couldn’t bear to hurt them.

So she woke up every day and bore the pain herself.

She would look at siblings smiling and joking around and she would look away.

She would look at loving families wishing their kids a good day and she would look up at the sky and see what shapes the clouds were in so that she wouldn’t cry.

And she would look at young women laughing with their friends and try not to imagine what You-Jin would have looked like with her friends, so happy and so carefree.

And then on the day of her sister’s birthday, she would leave the house all by herself and walk to the cemetery where her sister was buried.

Just like she was now.

She looked at herself while walking and frowned. Her sister probably would have cringed on seeing her wear all black.

Yah, shouldn’t you be wearing something a bit more tasteful? Do you want your noona’s eyes to burn or something?

Yeah well, maybe if she wore black she could convince herself to stop thinking about her sister all the time.

Maybe the idea that she was no longer alive and that she had to move on would finally make sense to her.

She stood in front of the cemetery gate and hesitated. This was the first time she was visiting You-Jin since she had passed 4 months ago.

4 months of no You-Jin in her life.

She didn’t have to see her if she didn’t want to, right?

She sighed and opened the gate. It was about time she got familiarised with the concept of visiting her sister.

She walked in and looked at all the graves of the people had been buried there. There were flowers and the occasional wreaths on most of the graves. A few graves had envelopes on them and she smiled at the thought. She liked the idea that people had left behind letters, perhaps as a way of coping or a way of telling their loved ones all the things they weren’t able to.

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