epilogue

It was moments like these that made me stop and think. Here, with you, surrounded by nothing but the waves that reminded me of you – gentle, yet firm, washing over me like a cloud of warmth that longed for nothing to love me. You are painted under the orangest of hues and the bluest of skies, the whole world reflected in your eyes and the entirety of the universe at the palm of your hands.

There were much more beautiful things to look at, like the trees that rustled against the wind with every movement, that even in their death they crunched beneath my feet, not allowing me to forget them – not even for a single moment. And then there is the world right beyond our reach, waiting for us to unleash our power and anger to those who have trampled on us. I could’ve succumbed to my desire to ruin the world when I knew I could, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Not here with you. Not when you always rendered me speechless, powerless, and immobile and out of breath. Not when you make me feel so alive that I no longer crave the comfort of death but rather the touch of your lips on mine.

I wanted to be the catastrophe that burns everything to the ground. I am tired from running away, from running back and forth in circles between my anger and desire. I am tired from escaping my demons that have been there with me since the beginning of time. I am tired of trying to pretend I am someone I’m not – a good woman.

But here with you, none of those matters. I feel no anger, no pain; just the steady rhythm of how my heart beats your name or how my skin lights up with each brush of your fingers against mine.

There were many more beautiful things to look at, but I choose to look at you. Because what could be more beautiful than a man who is neither my saviour nor my demon, but rather the man who puts my heart at peace until I want nothing at all, nothing but a piece of you. And if I can’t have that, then at least let me be selfish enough to leave a piece of myself with you, along with a part of yourself with me.

Here...I feel no anger. Here I have nothing to escape from. It’s just you and I huddled under the supervision of the stars that created you into being. I have lied to myself long enough that I could handle whatever curve life throws my way, but that is not true. Because in the vast darkness that births home to the craziness of my mind, I have one weakness.

And that is you.

Baekhyun folded the letter back to its place. Mari must’ve written this after the honeymoon where they spent their first night together. It was the only time they ever looked at the stars without having to worry about anything else. It was the only time he truly allowed himself to love her without holding back – there was no fear for her safety, no fear for her reputation, and most of all, no fear for the future.

He only cared about the present in that moment. With her, in his arms, under the mercy of the stars and skies that destined them to meet but didn’t fate them to be together, Baekhyun only cared about her and nothing else.

But that moment was gone. Eighteen years had passed and so much had changed.

He slowly folded the letter back to the pocket of his sweatpants, glancing at his wife who was now sound asleep beside him. Baekhyun was supposed to be home this noon, but after seeing Mari after so long, he didn’t know how to face his wife without thinking of Mari’s face.

Her smile, her laughter, the softness of her touch and the sweetness of her voice – she hadn’t changed one bit. She was still the same kind woman he’d fallen in love with. She was still so strong, so brave, and so full of loving that she didn’t have enough for herself to keep her going on.

But she’d already said goodbye.

And he left her long ago.

With a sigh, he pressed a kiss on top of Naeun’s head, who stirred a little in her sleep before turning around. She, too, had went through so much just to keep her family together. Like Mari, Naeun was also amazing and a strong mother who smiled despite the hardships. But unlike Mari, she didn’t cry nor feared her future. She only thought about her children’s sake that she didn’t care about hers anymore.

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