(Past: The last messages)

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Dear PurpleStar,

It's been a pretty rough week to face. Actually, I feel weird lately. I've been thinking a lot about somebody lately. Well, she's the kindest one, the prettiest, the softest eyes ever. I couldn't tell you who is she, of course, cause I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE. But since we've been talked since five years ago, it's such an honor for you to know about it.

Yeah...
Damn right...
I think I like girls.
That's the message.
I like... girls.

I really have no idea on how to tell my best friend about this. I really am afraid that she will push me away cause she's the best person I have in my life and I couldn't afford to lose her. It feels like, I'm going to lose myself if I ever lose her. Should I tell her? Tell me, PurpleStar. Should I?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Hey ya!

I'm sorry that you've been through a lot of tough things recently. Also, I'm sorry that I just replied it after a week. I'm so damn busy here, GoldenStar. Well, I'm sure I'm fine to find out about it. You can be anything you want, as long as you're comfortable with it. You don't need to afraid. Those who love you, will support you. No matter what. Trust me they will do...

So, tell me again, why are you afraid of telling Taeyeon about this all?
Is she the one that you like? Kim Taeyeon?

I inhaled my breath deeply. It was the hardest part. It was frustrating me, my own feeling towards my best friend, Taeyeon. Even her regular attention could make me feel something different. Around a week ago, I decided to finally spill it all to one of the closest person to me, to an anonymous who sent me so many lovely messages that accompanied me since high school era, my PurpleStar. I knew that by basic, I should've been told Taeyeon first, but how was I supposed to tell her with the fact that the girl that made me fall was... her.

That night I received a reply from PurpleStar. I was at the café alone while doing some papers when I received it and was actually a little surprised. Our communications were a little tenuous since I entered college life —guess we both were getting older and had a lot of things to do in real life. I stared at my laptop, reading every single word she sent to me and her last line suffocated me more than anything.

'Is she the one that you like? Kim Taeyeon?'

I closed my eyes tightly, then leaned my head to the table. All the feelings that settled in my heart and wandering in my head were far more confusing than all my college assignments. I reread the email PurpleStar sent me and let my thoughts drift away. I suddenly came to think of it, I told this person too much about my life, but she never revealed her identity to me even in the slightest. I feel like this isn't fair at all. Plus, I also felt a little uncomfortable about her knowing about Taeyeon —Oh, right! I did talk too much to her. This is all my fault.

I decided to type a reply...

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Dear PurpleStar,

No worries! I'm so damn busy too here with all these assignments... Besides, I can't really complain you. I mean, you're my friend, a friend I never met in real life. How am I supposed to do? Mad at you? Lmao...

Thanks for your kind words... Really...
It's hard to tell, of course. I'm just gonna wait until I graduated and settle with my own life, so I could freely decide what's good to do with my life. I don't wanna hurt those who love me. Yes, I know they love me, so they will support me, but still, I believe some people have their own expectations, don't they? Funny, isn't it? To feel afraid when I shouldn't...

PurpleStar...
I really need a friend to talk. I mean, a real talk. Would you meet me one day?
A meet up won't hurt, will it? Apart from everyone, I kinda believed you don't have any expectation in me as a friend. This is why I told you everything —and you are the first one to.

Lastly, to answer your last question...
No. It's not Taeyeon.

I wish this time you really consider my invitation.

That's it. That's the message. A week after, I refreshed my inbox several times, trying to find for that one particular name, PurpleStar, but found nothing in return. I waited... I kept on waiting until weeks changed into months and after all, I gave up with everything. It was a bitter farewell when I couldn't even wave a perfect goodbye. So long... I had to say goodbye.

(Present)

I was buttering the steak that I just finished grilling when Sooyoung hugged me from behind. She just arrived at my apartment that night, straight from Incheon airport after landing about an hour ago from New York. She put her head on my shoulder cutely and whispered the words "I miss you, gorgeous!" in my ear softly. I turned around, put my arm around her neck and lifted my