"...Because you already gave me a lot of songs that I never knew I would need that in my life, Kim Hanbin."

She said that with her bright smile, showing her bunny teeth and small dimples on both of her cheeks. She just gave me a long speech with the words that desperately needed by me, and here she was again- giving me another words that swept me away. She said I was capable for creating a words that touched a lot of people in this world-- yet she was the one who did that to me.

"Irina," I called her name with amazement feelings, "You really have no idea what have you done to me, don't you?" I asked her.

She stared at me confusedly. "W-what?" she asked me back nervously.

You just gave me my purpose back, clumsy girl.

***

3 Months Ago...

"This is not enough, Hanbin." said Mr. Yang tiredly.

He already gave me that word for 10 times consecutively on these past months. Yet, I never gave up to give him a lot of songs for iKON's comeback. But he never excepted it, neither gave a feedback to me even once.

"I'm sorry, Sajjangnim. Please give me more time so I could create a song again that will fulfill your wish--"

"Hanbin, it's already more than one year after iKON's latest comeback. You promised to give me a remarkable song for the comeback, but it was never enough. I waited too long and so does the fans-- you must see all of those demanding comments on my SNS asking iKON's comeback. They even blamed me and chided me 'a rat'! If only they know who was the one making the delay of comeback." he shook his head.

I could feel the sensation of being stabbed on my heart. I often get scowled by Mr. Yang, but never once I felt this humiliated feeling so hard.

"I'm sorry, Sajjangnim." That was all I could say.

Mr. Yang gave me a long stare. I replied his stare with the poker face that I did as best as I could. I didn't want to look weak in front of him.

"Do you know why did I always say 'it's not enough'?" he asked me. I quickly nodded, desperately wants a feedback.

He let a heavy sigh. "It's because I felt no emotions at all toward those proposed songs, Hanbin-ah."

And that word slapped me hard on both of my cheeks.

***

2 months ago...

I was staring at myself who being topless on the hotel bathroom's mirror.

The word 'Nihilism' that painted on my upper left chest staring at me back. I could feel the tattoo throbbed on my skin as if he was mocking me. So, you just capable of making a meaningless songs now, Kim Hanbin?

"Shut up," I chided at the remained silent tattoo.

I looked away and now I was staring at my face. There was only the despair and misery on my pair of eyes. I never felt these desperation again for more than 3 years. I thought I would be finally get away from this endless obscuring emotions. But it came again-- and this time was the worst. It was because the conversation between me and Mr. Yang a month ago.

Almost of my life was creating and composing a song. I always confident with my self for being capable to make a masterpiece song-- especially after Love Scenario was booming worldwide. And couple years after that, many songs of iKON be a song of year as well. And I always depended on my imagination to create of those songs. It always works well.

But somehow, this time my only imagination reached the expiration date. Heck, probably even my skills.

I still tried to make a song after that. But Mr. Yang was right-- my songs had no magical effect that could touched emotion. The lyrics I made was just a meaningless words, and the melody I arranged was just an empty tune. I had already tired. I didn't even try again. The usual inspirations that always came into my mind before-- lyrics and melody running around on my head-- were gone.

And now, only nothingness and darkness occupied my mind.

I thought being a song writer was the purpose of my life. I believed and felt confident about it because I never felt tired for doing that. Nevertheless, these past months made me wondering and considering it again. What if being a song writer didn't suit me? And the next question came into my mind made me even more dumbfounded.

What are my actual purpose of being a song writer, for a God's sake?

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